Jacob
journeyman
Reged: 05/12/08
Posts: 63
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My wife left me last August for a man she met playing the online game Warcraft. I was on temporary duty at Fort Benning when I got the 2000 phone bill that clued me in that something was going on. I immediately opened a new checking account and got a lawyer. The most painful thing in my life happened, she tricked me into a 3 way phone call with this guy and professed her love for him. She thought she was going to get alimony + child support, but she only gets 2/3rds of BAH type II, about $600. She kept asking for more money since she didn't work. My reply was "get a job" So i decided to pick up the pieces and move on. I started dating again. In November, she called and said she loves me and wants to be with me. I agreed to try to reconcile, but I said it would be very hard since I'm getting deployed. I told her she was to have nothing to do with the guy again. When i got home, there was a call from canada on the phone from the previous day. I found earlier chat logs where she states:
rachel slade well, this is kinda gruesome, but.....
rachel slade i found out today
slade rachel lay it on me
rachel slade that if whats-his-name dies in iraq, i get a lot of money lol
slade rachel not gruesome love, ruthless
slade rachel haha
rachel slade lol
Now i'm Iraq. I don't trust her. She avoids answering questions outside of the weather, our daughter or money. So conversations that could occur that would rebuild trust do not. I obviously think she is still cheating. She doesn't have access to my money and I did take her off my life insurance. Suggestions?
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Miranda
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 20822
Loc: North of Mexico
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Well change your SGLI before you leave.
When I was active duty a girl in my Squadron died while in the middle of a divorce. Her husband took off with another girl...she never changed her SGLI and died in a freak car accident. Guess who got the money?
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13.1...because I am only half crazy!
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Jacob
journeyman
Reged: 05/12/08
Posts: 63
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SGLI was updated accordingly. I wish I didn't love her so much though.
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Kat22
journeyman
Reged: 02/25/08
Posts: 91
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I'm so sorry you have to go through this! She sounds very immature. Please be safe over there and worry about you and your unit...not her!
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Jacob
journeyman
Reged: 05/12/08
Posts: 63
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I try not to let it get to me, but its nearly impossible to not think about it. I email her several times a day. Like most, I thought I knew her but in fact I don't know this person that my wife has transformed into. Her story of the affair is so vague that it is hard to follow. She is expecting me to just forget the whole thing happened, but when someone goes through a traumatic event such as her telling me that she loves the other guy and wants to be with him, you just can't forget. Here is her first and only explaination of events:
"when he said he was moving and didn't know when he would be online again, and the fact that he was really pissed off at me, just made me really realize i needed to take time for myself and look, without any outside influence, at how i felt about the both of you. so he and i stopped talking and i was alone and did my thinking. i spent at least 2 months, almost 3, just Thinking about everything and do you know what conclusion i came to? that i wanted to be with YOU, my sweet husband. that's when i called you and we started talking again. "
Maybe I am depressed? Because the longer I think about it the less i believe a word she says. Then, we each communicate differently. I am very forward in my communication and want to openly discuss it. She never talks. she claims she has to be alone and think to get through issues. I am not sure how that is supposed to help a relationship when your partner doesn't know what the hell is going on. I guess i should of taken that mind reading elective in college.
I don't trust going to any counselors over here. Regardless of what the media says, they will use counseling as a basis to remove someone from service and I have to keep my career.
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Kat22
journeyman
Reged: 02/25/08
Posts: 91
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Trust is a hard thing to give when it's been taken away. You don't trust her now and it's understandable. Being apart may help you sort through this. You have people to talk to on here if you need.
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Jacob
journeyman
Reged: 05/12/08
Posts: 63
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I agree. One of the biggest issues for me is that I want to why she decided to come back. Like i explained in the initial post, she was absolutely brutal and ruthless in telling me to get lost. She story she gives just doesn't make sense for someone as in "love" as she was. Am I wrong for wanting to know exactly why her and her boyfriend didn't last?
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Renee
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 4022
Loc: The Palmetto State
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You're not wrong for wanting to know that Jacob; its a natural curiousity. The thing is, is it doesn't really matter at this point. You've asked her flat out what she's doing, why she's doing it, and you've asked her to stop. You've asked her to work on your marriage.
In response she's distanced herself from you, she's lied to you when she does speak, and hidden her true feelings from you.
My XH was a Warcraft addict also, and while I don't know if he actually met one of his girlfriends thru the game, I know the mindset of staying home, playing the game endlessly, and expecting someone else to support you. Your wife has it made right now: married to a soldier and getting his benefits, he's deployed so she doesn't have to deal with him unless she wants to, she has her honey on the side to tell her how wonderful she is, but he can't expect her to function either because, well, she's married.
At a time when she should be moving heaven and earth to make your marriage work, and going the extra mile to acheive that while you're deployed, she's checked out of the marriage. You do NOT deserve that behavior. I know this post isn't much help to you when you've posted in the Saving Your Marriage board, and I'm sorry for that. The idea that you want to save your marriage after what she's done (and continues to do) is incredibly forgiving.
Unfortunately, she doesn't appear to have the same goals as you, and you can't save it single-handedly. Things happen for a reason Jacob. As hard as it may be to accept, your life will be much improved without this woman in it. You don't want to be 10yrs down the road and dealing with this same nonsense again.
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Jacob
journeyman
Reged: 05/12/08
Posts: 63
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I felt incredibly stupid after all of this because I bought the damn game for her and I to play together. I thought it would be something we could do together and have some fun without having to go out. NEVER AGAIN will i allow anyone to play that type of game in my house.
One of the things I did prior to leaving was installa keylogger on the home pc. I found out she was still playing the game (which she had told me she didn't play anymore) when I confronted her about it, she claimed that she had turned over the account to one of her online "friends" and her "friend" asked her to log on. It was all bullcrap. She spent a good week after I left trying to disable it and was eventually sucessfull. I told her if she had nothing to hide then the keylogger is not an issue. yada yada yada, she won't budge.
There is no way to prove or disprove her activities or intentions unless i hire a PI? are they worth it? Has anyone used one before?
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Kat22
journeyman
Reged: 02/25/08
Posts: 91
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When someone we love has violated our trust so badly, we want to know why, how, who, etc. But honestly what purpose does it serve? You can't make her be honest with you. You can't show her her wrongs.
I know you feel betrayed, but hiring a PI will just waste your money. You already know you can't trust her. What kind of marriage is that?
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