sdee66
recently joined
Reged: 05/27/08
Posts: 5
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My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years now. We have no kids and no real assets together (except for one truck). I'm not sure if I'm in love with him anymore. It's killing me because I dont know how to talk to him about this..its going to break his heart. I think the only reason I'm still here is because he is a wonderful man. He is so good to me, but I just don't feel like I'm in love. I feel like we are two friends living together. I have zero sex drive...I mean, we have had sex twice in 2008. That's it. We've had lots of stress in the past few years with finances and moving and deployments (he is active duty Marine Corps and I was Navy). I'm also concerned because I feel like I'm in a time crunch. He gets out of the Marine Corps in December and we have plans to move back to Texas, my home state but not his. I don't want to make him move to Texas just to have it end and for him to be alone there and stuck. But on the other hand, I don't know if this is just a funk or if it's just not right for us to be married. I keep finding myself imagining what I would do if we weren't married anymore and it doesn't scare me. What scares me is hurting him. I would almost rather just bite the bullet and stay to make him happy but I know that in the long run, it would only come back only this time with bitterness and resentment. I don't know what to do. He is a great husband, but I can't stop wondering if this is all there is. I want to be madly in love, not living with a buddy. Maybe that's just a fairytale. I just can't believe that it will be like this always. I don't even want to really kiss him. There is nothing there anymore.
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matart1
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 09/01/05
Posts: 2798
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your right that it would not be fair to drag him along.
a marriage is like a job or I guess anything else you do, if you put nothing into then you get nothing back.
my husband is the love of my life and is also my best friend. if he wasn't my friend then we would not have anything to look forward to. we have had one put through all the tests kind of relationship and despite everything, we would rather be together the two of us then anywhere else.
is the low sex drive something physically wrong with you that you need a doctor to diagnose?
is there a possible depression problem?
have you tried to seek marriage counseling for both of you or counseling for yourself?
you really have not been married long to want to bail out so quickly but if you feel sure about this - make sure that no children come of the marriage or anything else - it will only tie you to him that much longer.
good luck. good men are hard to find. I hope you figure out what will be best for you.
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Life is a long lesson in humility.
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Jacob
journeyman
Reged: 05/12/08
Posts: 63
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That is typical with most marriages I think. I know that year 2 for me was sexless as I was consumed with work and her with little one. I thought about straying, but once I engaged in that pursuit, I immediately knew that my wife was the one for me. The grass always looks greener on the other side.
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sdee66
recently joined
Reged: 05/27/08
Posts: 5
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Thanks ya'll for your responses. My husband and I have discussed counseling but never did anything about it (we are the world's biggest procrastinators) but yesterday we finally called and we are in the process of gettin started with appointments. Luckily, we are a military family so they take good care of us when it comes to stuff like this. My mother has been concerned that I have depression for a while, especially since she has battled it for years. I went to the doctor last year for it but they told me it was just situational...we have been through a LOT in the past two years...both of us have deployed, planning our wedding, financial issues, I got out of the military and started school again, we moved across the country, the list goes on and on. I think those things definitely don't help, but I think there is something else wrong. The doctor wasn't concerned because I am not suicidal. I really hope that counseling will help and that the counselor will be able to address this possible depression better than my doctor did. I don't want to make any rash decisions, I will NEVER cheat, no matter how bad it gets. Cheating is never the answer. And there is no way we are having kids right now with these issues. Having a baby will only make things worse right now. I'm so scared though of telling my husband how I really feel about all this because I don't want to hurt him. It will come out in counseling though because I need to be honest, otherwise counseling won't do any good. I just hope it all works out without anyone getting hurt.
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matart1
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 09/01/05
Posts: 2798
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hmmm. your situation brings to light a lot of what we went through.
we were both active duty and he got out first for a much better paying job. I followed a couple of months later. fortunately our eaos's were close and I "thought" I was doing the right thing for our family....at that time we had a 2 yr old.
well let me tell you - I went into a depression leaving the job I loved most and not to mention a secure feeling to what normal people live day to day.
it was a worse depression than the blues I got from having our child.
my hubby was happy as can be to be doing something else and could not comprehend what I was going through.
it nearly destroyed our family. my depression from leaving the military was also compounded by dealing with his ex-wife and all the garbage from that too. those were a couple of ugly years as a couple. it was really hard to find my purpose so to speak.
is it possible you are missing some of what you did more than you realise it..??
good luck to you and I hope it all works out.
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Life is a long lesson in humility.
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Renee
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 4022
Loc: The Palmetto State
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I would also add that since you have gone through so much in the last couple of years, could it be that things have slowed down a bit, and you aren't used to what not rushing around is like?
Kind of like when you get on one of those amusement park rides that spins you faster and faster, and then when it stops you struggle for a bit to get your bearings before you can walk right again. I think there is something similar to marriage vertigo that exists.
You've gone thru the rushing and planning for the future and all of a sudden the rushing is over and the future is here, and you start thinking, like you said, Is this it?
One other thing is that depression can exist without being suicidal. Its quite possible you are depressed and its causing your unhappiness. On the other hand you could very well be depressed because of the situation. Get into counseling and stick with it awhile before you make any life changing decisions. You don't want to give up a wonderful man over feelings that may pass.
Good luck-
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Jacob
journeyman
Reged: 05/12/08
Posts: 63
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I have been in the service a while and I've seen a lot of crap. So many divorces, so much cheating. Please go to the therapy. Take a vacation? I know it may not be finacially a good option, but it could be a catalyst for some adventure and fun for you both. 
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sdee66
recently joined
Reged: 05/27/08
Posts: 5
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Quote:
I would also add that since you have gone through so much in the last couple of years, could it be that things have slowed down a bit, and you aren't used to what not rushing around is like?
Kind of like when you get on one of those amusement park rides that spins you faster and faster, and then when it stops you struggle for a bit to get your bearings before you can walk right again. I think there is something similar to marriage vertigo that exists.
You've gone thru the rushing and planning for the future and all of a sudden the rushing is over and the future is here, and you start thinking, like you said, Is this it?
Ok this sounds very familiar to me. I've mentioned to friends before that I'm kind of scared about whats going to happen when we have no more deployments, because in a weird way, they help us out! When he's gone and fighting for his life, it's easy to put little (and big) fights aside because in the grande scheme of things, they don't mean squat. Then he comes home and I'm so happy he's home safe that nothing else matters. Well, he won't be deploying anymore. This is real life happening now and maybe I'm just not used to it.
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sdee66
recently joined
Reged: 05/27/08
Posts: 5
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BTW our first counseling session is next Wednesday...wish us luck!
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ProudToBeDad
recently joined
Reged: 06/14/08
Posts: 8
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Your story is so familiar. Of all the things I have read your marriage is the most salvagable of all. All marriages go through cycles especially early on. The sex thing can be fixed with work. See a doctor and explain your feelings. Get a B-12 shot on a regular basis. It will do wonders for your mental and physical well being. Eat right and exercise. As for your husband you do not have to kiss to have sex. Forget the time crunch. Sometimes a new location, new circumstances will change a relationship. Don't be hasty. Marriage is hard work and dissappointment sometimes. Give it time. Remember "for better or for worse". Best of luck.
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