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Reged: 05/19/08
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Please Any Help; Parent's Possible Divorce
      #403484 - 05/19/08 03:13 AM

Hi everyone. This is my first post, I'm not sure if it is even in the right area but if there is anyone out there who might offer any help it would be so appreciated. If I can, let me try to briefly explain what's going on:

About a year ago, my dad told my siblings and I that his current job had hit a ceiling and would be taking an offer in Dallas (we live in OK) to pursue a higher position. It was hard, but I figured he was doing it for us and would be coming back often (short flight right?) so we would get used to it. Well as time went by, the visits never really came. I think in the past year, he's been back 3 times? We would talk on the phone almost every day, and he always said that work was hectic (the car business can be, so I thought that's ok), and he would try and be back more. Eventually, he transferred to a job in ALbuquerque, and then to San Antonio, where he currently is. (I apoligize for the boring details, please just stay with me)
Well a couple weeks ago my mom went down there to visit him, but when she came back, she sat down with me and my younger sister and dropped a bomb; Turns out he was fired from his job here back home because he had been involved with someone at work. (I didnt ask for the details). She went on to say that it happened again in ALbuquerque, and that while all this time she had been trying to protect us kids, trying to talk to him, trying to work it out, he wasn't trying at all. When she went down to visit him, he would not talk about it with her, and when asked for an explanation, all he would say is "I don't know why I did it."
Look, my parents have been married for 22 years. Up until recently I had thought things were great between them, it was a complete shock when my mom told me about my dad's affairs. My dad has been a great teacher, always taught me to do the right thing, be the bigger man, be respectful of others and tell the who is this person who risks their marriage,family,career,reputation,everything, and then skips town and runs away from their mistake leaving us to deal with the damage?
I am sorry for rambling for so long. Basically, I am desperate for any type of help in this situation. I am the oldest, I'm 21, so I feel an obligation to not only my younger bro/sis to be strong but also my mom. Since my dad left, I've basically been the man of the house (taking time off from college, which is a whole other issue, but sorta related...) I haven't really told any of my friends because I don't like to unload my problems on other people, I've always been that way, but those close to me who do know, my girlfriend and my therapist, say I need to be open minded and talk to him as an adult. Problem is, I am still stuck in that anger mode where all I want to do is break something (and I am big guy, which scares me). Matter of fact, he flew in TODAY, just today, to tell my younger bro who is 14 whats been going on. I didnt handle it very well and as soon as I saw my dad I stormed out, avoiding coming home all day. Even after all of this, my mother, my sweet, forgiving, strong mother, is trying to talk to him, figure out what is wrong, and all he says is "I don't know why. We aren't gonna be together anymore. I love you." Frankly, I don't really buy that. But I feel stuck. My mom hasn't flat out said they are getting a divorce, but I don't really know what this is called right now! She keeps saying she doesn't want to be divorced, never thought she would be, I don't know what to say to her half the time.
I know I cannot change someone else. They need to change themselves, which leads me to believe that if he truly was SORRY or felt at all like he wanted to salvage things between my mother who he "loves so much" and us kids who he "loves still", then he would be trying to figure out why he has done what he see a therapist, talk to someone, BE HERE AND WORK IT OUT!!!! Not to mention he drinks a lot, which we all think is part of the problem, but has he tried to quit or go to an AA meeting? Nope. Just flew down to San ANtonio, bought a new car, got an apartment, and is living on his own, although he says he is "suffering and is all alone".
Someone please help me. He leaves in the morning and part of me feels I need to talk to him, but I don't know what to say, and more importantly I don't know what to do to help my family from falling apart. It's so depressing, how a family can be so strong and loving for so long (over 20 years) and in an instant be broken and disfunctional. What should I do? Can I help save their marriage at all? Can I help my dad at all? I'm desperate, this is still all so new to me, I feel like I'm losing my mind, like the world around me is playing some cruel joke. This goes so far beyond him; my mother's mom has health issues from the stress, his mom is upset, wondering how she failed raising him, and apparently the woman from his work here in OK is bringing a lawsuit against him/the dealership...I still can't believe this is happening. I would appreciate any support or thoughts people on here have. I am at a loss, I don't know what to do...

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Reged: 07/21/06
Posts: 401
Re: Please Any Help; Parent's Possible Divorce [Re: okturtle]
      #404127 - 05/20/08 09:01 PM

OKturtle, I think if your dad has been gone a year, you should be trying to go on without him. Your family is now your mother and your siblings, and unless or until he decides to open up to you, he's choosing not to be part of the family. The love and support you have for each other is still there, it just doesn't include him. It's a little bit like he died, but in a way it's harder, and you may someday develop a new but different type of relationship with him. Possibly he'll come back to your mother, but I really don't think you should count on that.

You could make an attempt to talk to your dad. Tell him you just don't understand what's going on. He may be willing to talk, or he may not. You may not like what he tells you though.

I feel for you. I had a son in college when my now ex husband decided he didn't want to be married anymore and it was very shocking for all of the rest of us (everyone but him).

There's really nothing anyone, not your mom, or you, can do if he doesn't want to be married anymore. Sorry that I don't have a more positive outlook. I just think you should try to accept that your family is changing, and unfortunately it's out of your control.

To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

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Reged: 04/24/07
Posts: 89
Re: Please Any Help; Parent's Possible Divorce [Re: Patrice]
      #407553 - 05/30/08 03:04 PM

I am so sorry you are going through this. You are old enough to be aware what is going on, but there is very little you can do about it.

One thing you CAN do, is try to stay in school. Finishing your education will help your mom more in the long run than being the man of the house now. Talk to the student health services and get some counseling, what you are experiencing is very stressful, no doubt about that, and you need some place to vent this anger in a safe way.

You might be better off not talking to dad right now, he sounds as confused as you are, and not able to act like a father.

Your mom needs to rely on other adults for support, not you. Its not your role in this to be her support, even though you want to be.

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