someday
recently joined
Reged: 06/12/08
Posts: 8
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This isn't all that simple but...... after 14 years of caring for my 2 children my son is leaving me for his dad. He is a great kid. He's well liked by his peers, coaches, and teachers. He's a straight A student. I did okay. Now- he won't have anything to do with me and his dad is in contempt of the court order. Here we go again - back to court. I'm just afraid this time I'm going to be hurt sooooo badly there won't be any repairing it. My ex is a mean man and a liar and I think the courts (and my son) are going to give him the power to hurt me again. They are trying to take all my rights away (I haven't seen my son in 2 months). The courts aren't going to do anything but slap him on the wrist for contempt and then ask my son who he wants to live with. If my ex was a better "gentle-man" (he and his father hit women, I would be okay with it but.... my son I'm afraid will end up just like him. And the sad part is I'm going to be chewed up in the court room - I KNOW IT!!!! I'm scared and I'm reaching out for some one to talk with. Someone who understands my pain. :(
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sadie46
member
Reged: 04/21/06
Posts: 186
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My sis is going through this at this time. Her ex is sending papers for change of custody. Nephew is 13. Only child and she has raised him since 2 as primary. She is so depressed and hurt. I tried to tell her that this is pretty normal for that age to want to go live with Dad. The problem about this whole thing is that Dad is not going to be around much to supervise and allows alot of freedom and sis has already seen her son get caught up with the wrong kids and doing juvenile activities. That is one reason why her son wants to live with Dad. Her ex not only requested the change based on son's preference but also to make sis look bad her threw in some deal about misconduct. She has no idea what he is talking about. Sis is a sthm mother and her husband has a very good job. Ex is seeking full custody with her visitation, him to not pay support anymore and requesting child support from her. He goes on and on about how she can make this great living. Out of work force now for 6 yrs. Her ex at 56 yrs old has an 11 month old and not married to the mother and no plans to marry. Sis feels this whole custody thing is about one thing....MONEY. Ex sent a letter recently making demands, threats and tells her she better do everything his is asking or else type thing. She is willing to do joint and the child wants that...50/50 and to make the child support thing a wash. Her ex makes very good money on his own. I don't think her ex truly has the child's best interest at heart. Sis thinks after this summer the child will not like living with her ex and want to come home. I think a temporary agreement throughout the summer would be great and review things before school starts then come to an agreement as to what was working during that time and go from there.
Sorry that you are going through this with your son. Your concerns have merit and I also saw how ex's can manipulate a child into thinking things which are not true. Good Luck and love your son and be there for him when needed.
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someday
recently joined
Reged: 06/12/08
Posts: 8
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Thank you sadie46 for responding. It is good to know that there are people out there that can relate to my pain. My son is 16 right now and he/his dad want joint custody. Same deal- Dad has no rules and allows him to be a "man". He is my son's "friend". The sad part is my son is SOOOO hateful toward his sister and I. We have become the enemy. I can't give up though. STUPID courts will probably give him his way - despite the fact that he has been in contempt of the CO, he won't return my son, and he's already initiated transfering schools. I'm so tired of all this!!! I guess I do have a comment to your sis. It will only get worse. My son started this about age 14 ( his dad moved 15 min away 5 yrs ago - 2 years after I got married again. He was living across the US for 3+ years). His dad has been working on him for this long -waiting- until my son is LOW MAINTENANCE (can drive himself around). My son said I want to go to dad's when "I don't like it here." -which means No rules! I suggest only that your sister not give joint custody - u don't have to. AND be there for your sis because the worst is yet to come. MONEY, CONTROL, HATE -it all has a role in these two situations. Thxs again. Hope to hear more.
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sunnyday
member
Reged: 05/16/07
Posts: 150
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Hello - my Ds is 13. About a week ago while I was putting away laundry I overheard ex tell my ds (ds talks to his dad on his cell with it on speakerphone- I have no idea why)that I was keeping him from ds and that he would soon have to tell a judge that he wants to live with him. I was really hurt. I knew ex talked that way about myself and my dh to the kids but it was a smack in the face to really hear it. Thing is I hadnt kept ex from the kids nor withheld any visits so I dont know what he is talking about. With my ex it also seems to always revolve around money. He is constantly adding a comment on how much cs I get to all his emails. Plus he travels frequently and cancels his mid week visit often so I am not comfortable with the idea of ds staying over there alone. Even this week when the kids got home from their overnight wed morning none of them were bathed nor had they eaten and they were all like zombies at 9:30 am because ex lets them stay up as late as they want so it was after midnight when they went to bed. Yesterday ds got angry and said he was glad he was going to his dads this weekend but it was only after I took XBOX away because he was so wound up playing it with his sis they were pummeling each other. Ex is fun dad with no rules and I am just mom who makes him clean his room and OMGOODNESS - BATHE!!!
oh and my ex moved .24 of a mile away from me. So the man that belittled me and put me down for years is now practically my neighbor who I know for a fact often drives slowly by our house and looks in our windows to see what we are doing (even when he has the kids which is weird). I know what your going through - and I know what you mean by money control and hate playing a huge factor. Sad and tiring but true.
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sadie46
member
Reged: 04/21/06
Posts: 186
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Someday this sounds exactly like what sis is going through. Her ex wants full, but to come to her house after school and when he needs a babysitter kind of deal. Says she needs to "share her wealth" for son a car and college. Sis got $350 a month in support based on his $70K+ salary. He is IRS for 25 years. She never modified it, even loaned ex $5K. Ex has moved 16 times in 10 years, BK twice, married the woman left sis for 3 times in 5 years, and now has this new illigitimate baby. Ex son has treated her horrible recently and they were tight tight all those years. Good grades well liked sports kid and things are not good now. She never modified and even loaned him $5K. She fell apart when he filed something under misconduct. Doing this just to win. She did say that son was cursing her and yelling at her a few months ago and she did slap him which is wrong, but not criminal. She knows it was not right and will never do again. Other than that nothing. Ex bailed right after born abouts. She waited 15 years to have him. Got married at 18, he was 31. Ex didn't like the fact that sis took to much time away from ex to be with baby, so he left her for another woman. He is a mommy's boy kinda man. I did call him a few months ago to ask what was going on and he started in on me. Saying that if sis doesn't do what she is told he will hurt her but not physically. He too acts like the child and him are buddy's now. Son is easy to take care of per se these days but cost alot more. Sis knows what it is all about, and knows her ex is using the son for money. The way it looks he wants a $700 swing his way..no support of $350 to her and her pay him $350. I did tell her that she must let go over some of the control she had...protective too much and let him learn from his mistakes. I also said to set some rules down so that the son just doesn't think he can do anything he wants..which is what he is doing now. Playing parents. Her ex has also told son all kinds of things that are adult things...law etc and then makes him tell sis what the law will do. I think it is terrible. She is so torn anymore. I'm sorry that things like this go on. Thank god my kids were grown...but ex still plays them like a fiddle against me. He is the most evil man I know. Wish you the best.
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greeneyes
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/08/08
Posts: 2847
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and my ex is telling her that when she is older, she can choose were she lives. I told my daughter that, if that were to happen, it wouldn't be for a long time. And that depending on the age, judges will listen to a child's wishes but the judge still makes the final decision. And a judge can say no to what she wants.
I'm not hurt, I'm angry. My ex shouldn't be telling our daughter this.
I hear you on the fun dad - I deal with this all the time and it is frustrating. But when my daughter is older, she'll realize who was actually around for the important things in life and it wasn't her father.
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Relayer
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 03/13/07
Posts: 9506
Loc: Moorglade Mover
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[quote]Thank you sadie46 for responding. It is good to know that there are people out there that can relate to my pain. My son is 16 right now and he/his dad want joint custody. Same deal- Dad has no rules and allows him to be a "man". He is my son's "friend". The sad part is my son is SOOOO hateful toward his sister and I. We have become the enemy. I can't give up though. STUPID courts will probably give him his way - despite the fact that he has been in contempt of the CO, he won't return my son, and he's already initiated transfering schools. I'm so tired of all this!!! I guess I do have a comment to your sis. It will only get worse. My son started this about age 14 ( his dad moved 15 min away 5 yrs ago - 2 years after I got married again. He was living across the US for 3+ years). His dad has been working on him for this long -waiting- until my son is LOW MAINTENANCE (can drive himself around). My son said I want to go to dad's when "I don't like it here." -which means No rules! I suggest only that your sister not give joint custody - u don't have to. AND be there for your sis because the worst is yet to come. MONEY, CONTROL, HATE -it all has a role in these two situations. Thxs again. Hope to hear more. [/quote]
If your son can drive, he is certainly old enough to decide who he lives with and since he is a minimum of 16, the judge will most likely go along with it.
You are only the "enemy" because you have turned yourself into one.
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GO CUBBIES!!!!
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someday
recently joined
Reged: 06/12/08
Posts: 8
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You sound like a personal friend off my EX or your just a small person that attempts to hurt people just to make yourself feels strong. If your a man and not a women maybe your body part must be....... stay the heck out of the "Women's Rights" section and find a more positive thing to do ----- like go fishing or something.
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someday
recently joined
Reged: 06/12/08
Posts: 8
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greeneyes - I think I'm getting a little tired and angry as well. The tears have stopped flowing so heavily. I figure there is not much I can do anymore - just wait until the judge makes his decision.
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googledad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 12/31/05
Posts: 10207
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My sis is going through this at this time. Her ex is sending papers for change of custody. Nephew is 13. Only child and she has raised him since 2 as primary. She is so depressed and hurt. I tried to tell her that this is pretty normal for that age to want to go live with Dad. The problem about this whole thing is that Dad is not going to be around much to supervise and allows alot of freedom and sis has already seen her son get caught up with the wrong kids and doing juvenile activities. That is one reason why her son wants to live with Dad.
>>>>>> An opinion , perhaps the child wants to spend time with their other parent to make up for " lost time " .
Her ex not only requested the change based on son's preference but also to make sis look bad her threw in some deal about misconduct. She has no idea what he is talking about. Sis is a sthm mother and her husband has a very good job.
>>>>>>> So ? She's a SAHM mother for a 13year old ?
Ex is seeking full custody with her visitation, him to not pay support anymore and requesting child support from her.
>>>>>>>> Did she seek CS from him as primary custodial parent ?
He goes on and on about how she can make this great living. Out of work force now for 6 yrs.
>>>>>> How is she supporting her child ?
Her ex at 56 yrs old has an 11 month old and not married to the mother and no plans to marry.
>>>>>>> So ?
Sis feels this whole custody thing is about one thing....MONEY.
>>>>>>> I take it she waived CS because it wasn't about money ?
Ex sent a letter recently making demands, threats and tells her she better do everything his is asking or else type thing. She is willing to do joint and the child wants that...50/50 and to make the child support thing a wash.
>>>>>>> What prevented her from sharing 50/50 & no CS earlier ? Was it only good as long as she received a weekly check ?
Her ex makes very good money on his own.
>>>>>> Your sister might have made a good living if she hadn't decided to abandon ther workforce for 6 years .
I don't think her ex truly has the child's best interest at heart.
>>>>>>>> But she did when deciding to seek primary custody & CS ?
Sis thinks after this summer the child will not like living with her ex and want to come home.
>>>>>>>>>> Wishful thinking .
I think a temporary agreement throughout the summer would be great and review things before school starts then come to an agreement as to what was working during that time and go from there.
>>>>>>> Is his how custody was decided initially ?
Sorry that you are going through this with your son. Your concerns have merit and I also saw how ex's can manipulate a child into thinking things which are not true. Good Luck and love your son and be there for him when needed.
>>>>>>>> Funny how NCPs manipulate custody to get out of CS but CPs that face paying CS themselves decide that 50/50 and no CS is apropriate .
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Careful. We don't want to learn from this.
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