ssmom79
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/27/07
Posts: 7784
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I like what you said about enforcing the rules, but letting the bio-parents handle the breakdowns, that's a great piece of advice.
Of course, in my situation, we built our system together as a blended family, but I know that not every family works that way.
I just said that to kid with SRS really...no hard feelings, I know if YOUR situation specifically you have major issues in that area.
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MaritimeGuy
addict
Reged: 04/15/08
Posts: 532
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Someone pointed out this great article a while back...I've posted it once before. I thought it contained a lot of good points...
(Oprah.com) -- As far as hard jobs go, it's up there with air-traffic controller and crane operator. Stepmothers preside over a minefield of hidden hurts, half-concealed traditions and occasional tugs-of-war. Want the job?
It's been said that parenting is the toughest job in the world. Wrong. It's the second toughest: Stepparenting wins hands down. Right now, approximately half of all Americans live in a stepfamily, which means that every day, millions of women are subject to the taunt -- sometimes mournful, often angry --"You're not my mother!"
I've been a stepmother three times. I know, from hard-won experience, that a great relationship with your stepkids is possible. And if you avoid certain trapdoors like the 12 verboten phrases here, you'll not only get along, but you'll never have to ask them to pick up their socks.
1. "Go ahead, call me Mom!"
You're not their mother, and you never will be. They're conflicted enough, and pushing them to use a mom-name will only confuse them more.
Corollary: "We're going to be one big, happy family!"
You might eventually become the happiest of stepfamilies, but it won't happen overnight. Studies show the new family dynamic takes at least three years to fall into place, and the first year is the toughest.
2. "Feel free! Do whatever you want."
Almost as much as they need love, children need boundaries and are adrift without rules. Learn to say (not scream, please) the phrase, "In this house, we ...," so that time together will not be bogged down with endless negotiations.
Corollary: "Let's get down!"
No matter how close in age you are to your stepchildren, you're still a parent figure; try to be an example of mature living and not "one of the gang." This is especially true if your stepkids belong to that group of psychotics euphemistically known as teenagers. Chances are they won't think you're cool for very long.
3. "I'll get it," "I'll drive," "I'll wash it," "Forget about me," etc.
Don't let your stepkids (or their father) turn you into the creature everyone in the world resents: a martyr. Martyrs make people feel creepy and guilty, and when kids feel that way, they generally act out. You're better off being wicked.
4. "Why the long face?"
Your stepchildren are allowed to be sad -- they're in mourning. Let them grieve if and when they feel like it. Sorry, but they probably will grieve more around you, since you're the evidence that their parents are never getting back together. Don't call attention to their sorrow; remove yourself, and get Dad to be a mom at this point. Their depression will pass --they're kids.
5. "Your dad and I always ... "
Don't allude to the great times you have with their father when they're not around. They already feel left out and probably imagine the two of you tossing your heads back laughing, spending wads of money, and throwing Ring Ding wrappers on the floor (not to mention the sexual fantasies going on in their fevered little brains). If you want to give them a positive image of a loving couple, just be a loving couple.
6. "Did your mother bring you up to do that?"
Never bad-mouth the ex -- and your husband (or partner) shouldn't either, even if the fur is still flying. Studies show that it's the ongoing conflict after divorce that hurts kids the most.
Corollary: "How could you have married such an idiot?"
Don't stand next to him when he's on the phone with his ex, making faces and sticking your finger down your throat. Don't write her letters or e-mails, and if she's a crank caller, get caller ID. Fighting about the ex -- call it the 'ex hex' -- is the equivalent of having a stink bomb thrown into your marriage.
7. "Have you always done that?"
Families have traditions that are meaningful to them. So if your husband and his children insist on watching "Hogan's Heroes" reruns, putting mayo on hot dogs, collecting rubber bands, or anything else you find distasteful, just keep your mouth shut.
8. "Your room is a pigsty!"
Something's got to give, and neatness should be it. If the situation is desperate and the kids are growing subspecies in their space, get Dad to go in there and organize a cleanup. Life is messy, and it's even messier when you choose a man with children. But remember: It's better to have a man with kids than one without kids who flosses his cat's teeth.
9. "Well, my kids and I ... "
If you have kids of your own who live with you and your husband, your stepkids may feel like they're getting the fuzzy end of the lollipop. Mentioning trips, restaurants and the fun stuff you did the weekend they were with their mom feeds the illusion that your children are getting more. Be clear that there are no favorites and everything is even between both sets of kids.
10. "What's the matter, never heard of thank you?"
Don't become a stepparent expecting gratitude. (Don't become a parent expecting it, either.) While you shouldn't tolerate rudeness, choose your battles carefully. Kids generally don't have the best manners; they get preoccupied and forego social niceties. Don't be petulant; you're the grown-up.
11. "We're not made of money, you know."
Their father's primary motivation is guilt. (Come to think of it, that's his secondary one as well.) Dad is guilty, the ex is angry, the battle is on, and money is the weapon. Stay out of the fight, work out a family budget, and don't discuss finances in front of the children.
12. "It's them or me."
It will always have to be them. Your stepchildren are jealous of you. But admit it, you're jealous of them too. If you make it a battlefield, this is a battle you'll lose.
Corollary: "Wake me when it's over."
Rather than enduring the time you spend with his kids, enjoy it. They're never really going to go away, even if you stay under the radar. Intimacy may be a long time coming, but, like so many other situations in life, you've just got to put in the time. Granted, it's a complicated dynamic, but the Beatles were right: "The love you make is equal to the love you take." Or is it the other way around?
By Rosemary Rogers from "O, The Oprah Magazine," May 2003
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1004SRS
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 12/11/06
Posts: 5044
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That is wonderful advice. Enforce the rules, but insist that the bioparent handle the breakdowns.
I can't imagine being a step-Mom - not to mention a step-Mom where the bioDad throws in the towel and leaves everything up to you.
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Relayer
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 03/13/07
Posts: 9506
Loc: Moorglade Mover
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Dad's fault here Jill
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GO CUBBIES!!!!
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asurvivor
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/14/05
Posts: 3410
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I'll admit. My husband is on the verge of throwing in the towel on his 18 y/o. She is home today doing chores bc I'M SURE SHE HAS PLANS AND DOESN'T WANT THEM SQUASHED. (rolling eyes))
But its more then laziness with her. She has attitude and mouth to go with her laziness. In our case, SD knows DH (and I) are hanging by a hair with her and we mean business that either she shapes up or ships out.
It's been 7 years of struggling with her and I will admit she hangs on to every word from BM, DYSFUNCTION (or not) more then she hears us. It's sad bc it holds her back from moving forward but we cant' say to SD don't talk to your mother all she does is f&ck with your head so here we are........................
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KrazyKat
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 04/05/07
Posts: 1714
Loc: Somewhere in the Middle
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One thing to consider, Since he doesn't do chores anywhere else, he may not know how to do them. And not knowing the proper way to do them, he's not going to do it to your specifications. He's doing it to his specifications of clean.
Seriously, you may need to take him step by step a few times for him to understand on exactly how that specific chore is to be done.
I do realize that some kids are just plain lazy and won't do anything. However, it sounds as if your SS hasn't truly been taught the proper way. KWIM
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If you have a problem, build a bridge and get over it!
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Rebecca5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 11697
Loc: Down home.
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Well...
We talk a lot about responsibilities, and how much each child is capable of handling. If they can't get the basics done: cleaning their spaces, putting their clothes away, etc (things with which safety and security are NOT an issue, and should be second nature by now).....then it wouldn't be safe for me to allow them to shoulder the heavier ones: going out in a group of friends, having a cell phone, Internet usage, etc (things that require newly acquired skills, the ability to reason and keep themselves safe).
I usually say something like, "I'm not really comfortable with you going to the beach with Allison and Jordan right now, DD. There seems to be a struggle to get XXX done this week, and I feel like you might be overwhelmed." And it's like magic. XXX gets done. 99% of my rules are centered around safety and security....choices and consequences.... and accountability.
As a general rule, though, I don't think that steps should be doing the lion's share of the disciplining, without a bio-parent's involvement. If a step is the one present in the home most of the time, a simple family meeting where rules/expectations are set forth for everyone, at the same time can set a great tone. It shows unity, and everyone is clear that both parents are of the same mind. IMO, it just looks a lot less like "wicked stepmother" kind of stuff when it's done that way.
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jil_stevens
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/31/06
Posts: 3893
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His dad does...and his dad does most of the punishing, but it is summer and I am home with the kids all day and he is at work, so this time of year more of the responsibility tends to fall on me. SS lives with us about 95% of the time, so we have really gotten into the task of whoever is around does the parenting, rather than pushing everything off until the bio parent is home. Esp. since we have no "joint" kids, just "his" and "hers."
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jil_stevens
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/31/06
Posts: 3893
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He is about ten and a half, and the problem is that no matter what the chore is, he is too lazy to do it. His dad has taken away all the video games, television, you name it, the boy cries about it, but is even too freaking lazy to try to earn them back. When I take stuff from my kids and lay out a plan for them to earn their stuff back, they do so to get their things. SS won't...he would rather do without than have to do the work to get it back.
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jil_stevens
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/31/06
Posts: 3893
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I was mainly venting, hence all the "I's" in my post. SO is very active in parenting, but we have been battling this for years and going nowhere and he is getting frustrated. I really doubt he would actually throw in the towel, it is more his frustration talking than anything else. And SS's mother is no help. She comes from a large family, and she was the brains, so she was not given many household chores so she could concentrate on her studies (she is from a very poor family in a Latin American country) and so she now does her son the same way. He should never have to do anything. But then the problem that SO has tried to explain and she says she understands but doesn't follow through is that when she got married, she didn't know how to cleain, cook, or do anything for herself, and she has agreed she doesn't want SS to be that way, but still doesn't make him do anything. Of course then you throw in that she only has him about every other weekend and she does more playing with him than anything.
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