jil_stevens
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/31/06
Posts: 3893
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Actually, the cat assignment was not given as a punishment so much, but he had been continually lying to both of us, and SO told SS that this was going to be his opportunity to show us he could be responsible. It was for a set limit, because it only lasts while the cat is kenneled due to his injury. And if SS spends the night at mom's or at a friends, then others do the chore. So he is never required to miss out because of this chore. The ONLY reason he had to do it or miss guitar lesson was because he had spent a good half hour covering his tracks to NOT do the work, and called his mom to pick him up early, knowing we wouldn't object, so he wouldn't be around when his lie was discovered. So, he was punished as SOON as he returned to our house, we didn't delay it four days while he was home, and had he been home it would have been taken care of immediately. Had he merely forgotten, he would not have been given an ultimatum. But seriously, he spent half an hour getting out of a job that would have taken two minutes...it was the scooping of a small litter box in the kennel, and checking the food and water levels. That was ALL. And as I have said, if he did the work, but didn't do it to our standards, that would be different, as we know he doesn't have the work quality an adult does. But to spend that much time covering your tracks and lying about it rather than do the work is what got him in trouble.
And considering he would MUCH rather be with us than with his mom, I highly doubt he thinks we hate him. When he is with his mom, he calls us every day just to talk. He is an information-needing kid, and he knows that I am the only one who will take the time to fully explain whatever it is he is asking about, so he even calls me from his mom's to ask questions. Anytime he sees something, he wants more information. I have explained ED, multiple-personality disorder, other mental illnesses, we had a long discussion on why someone would try to assassinate a president and not go to jail (he saw a special on Reagan and Hinckley). He just has this need to know everything, and he knows I will answer his questions. Yes, he is ten, so sometimes I tailor my answers accordingly, but I give him the answers he is looking for. Sometimes SO just shakes his head when I tell him of some weird conversation SS and I had. He is very curious about everything. For Christmas I got him a HUGE set of fact books, and he devoured them, he just loves that sort of thing, and then is always giving me facts about everything. Sometimes, it is really stupid stuff and I go along because he is excited, but sometimes, he brings up some really interesting things. For instance, who knew a cat has over 30 vocalizations? Seriously, he comes up with some interesting stuff. If he gives me some oddball fact, sometimes SO will be like, "where the heck did you hear that?" and he will reply he read it somewhere, and I never doubt it! He has an uncanny memory for that sort of thing.
And of course, SS doesn't know how frustrated SO and I get with his laziness. If I told him, I really wouldn't need to come on here and vent! But when SO said he wondered if he should just throw in the towel, I am the one who refused, and said it didn't matter if he killed us from stress...it's our job as the parents to get him to do his stuff.
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Rebecca5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 11697
Loc: Down home.
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[quote]First, the kid has the vocabulary of a college student and I spent a bulk of everyday answering questions for him. He likes to have all the information and is NOT afraid to ask anything. As for his mother...yes, she has little interest, however, lucky for us, if he calls, she generally picks him up. Generally though, he doesn't like to go to her house. Why would he? He has no toys and no video games there, it's a small house with 6 people already in it, and he has to sleep either with her (which he hates) or on the floor. If she has plans (she is big on a heritage group for her nationality...she has been in this country since a year before SS was born) he loves to go do that stuff, but if she has no plans, he won't go.[/quote]
Having a vocabulary to read and write isn't the same as being able to label your(collective) emotions. Young children don't know how to convey their emotions well. They just don't.
ALL children have wishes for their relationships with their parents. ALL of them. Just because his mother sucks, and he doesn't stand on the rooftop begging for her affection doesn't mean that his relationship or lack thereof doesn't impact him in some way.
Have you considered some resources about children of divorce, and how they express their emotions non-verbally? I think a little research on the subject may really help you in the long run.
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Relayer
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 03/13/07
Posts: 9506
Loc: Moorglade Mover
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[quote][quote]
ALL children have wishes for their relationships with their parents. ALL of them. Just because his mother sucks, and he doesn't stand on the rooftop begging for her affection doesn't mean that his relationship or lack thereof doesn't impact him in some way.
[/quote]
Watch out Rebecca. I have said the same thing here a number of times and was attacked by many women on the board. Let's see if the same happens to you..LOL
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GO CUBBIES!!!!
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jil_stevens
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/31/06
Posts: 3893
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I agree Rebecca...however, his dad and mom have not been together for the majority of his life. For him to "suddenly" develop problems doing things he doesn't want to do doesn't seem divorce related, kwim? If he was having trouble in several areas, or the divorce was fresh, i would absolutely agree. But honestly, his mother doesn't ignore him...she is just more of a buddy, I guess. We are the parents, and she is the Disney-mom. In fact, they just got back from Disneyland last week.
Really, the ONLY problem this kid has is that he only wants to do what he finds fun, and not what is necessary, whether it be chores, school-work, whatever. In fact, today when I got home he was super excited to go buy car paint with SO except was worried that he would be late for the tacos we are having for dinner. I told him not to worry, get a snack, go with dad, and there would still be tacos when he got home. So, he danced out of the house and is having a grand time...buying tape to paint a car, LOL.
His mom and dad actually have a model relationship when it comes to him, if you ask me. They hate each other, but you would never know it if he is around. And they back each other up on everything. If he gets mouthy with mom, she calls dad, and dad handles it over the phone. Honestly, though she doesn't spend as much time with him as I think she should, since she lives so close, and I think she should at least have a place to live where he has a bed, the time she does spend is all about him. Both parents are at every band concert, awards dinner, you name it. She and I have even eaten dinner together, because we were switching off at a restaurant at dinner time, so we just all ate, then he left with her. I don't consider her a friend, but we are civil for SS.
I seriously doubt this is a product of something that happend 8 years ago and just manifested in an "I don't want to do my chores" thing now, kwim?
But, I don't disregard your belief on counseling, etc. My kids see a counselor because their dad won't leave them out of the middle, etc. There are times when it is absolutely necessary, and if there was any evidence at all he was having emotional problems, he would already be in counseling. But seriously, he just doesn't want to do his chores, and that isn't an odd problem for kids, whether they are from divorced families or intact families.
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Rebecca5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 11697
Loc: Down home.
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It sounds like the lack of motivation and lying are a global issue...not just related to chores or whatever. There's usually some reason for that.
I wouldn't discount the effects of his craptastic relationship with his mother (I don't care how much money she spends or all that crap, it's not your typical parent/kid relationship, and that makes things tough for any kid), the fact that his parents have an acrimonious relationship, or the effects of things like step-siblings and step-parents...and where he fits in in his world.
It's not really about counseling....just trying, maybe, to understand the motives behind his actions on a little less superficial level. It's a heck of a lot easier to parent effectively if parents understand what's underneath it all.
My parents divorced...jeesh....28 years ago, and there are still things that come up sometimes that are tough for me for a moment.
It's just one person's opinion, you know? Take it or leave it.
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