Lovemygirls
recently joined
Reged: 06/25/08
Posts: 13
|
|
I have been married for almot 5 years and we have two daugthers under 3. My wife is verbally abusive. We rarely have sex. There is no affection. There is no love. We fight just about every day. We are friends at best. We both work full time, have a house together. We have been to counseling. There hasn't been any adultery on my part. I don't know about her but I doubt it (she kissed a guy once in a bar when drunk). I am really depressed b/c I hate our relationship, and i want out b/c i don't think its going to get any better, but I feel trapped b/c I don't want to destroy our kids. My toddler doesn't do well with change and she is VERY attached to me. I don't know what to do. Please help.
I do have to mention that I drink too much on weekends (beer). It helps me escape mentally for a few.
|
Annie7676
old hand
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 862
Loc: NY
|
|
Does your wife know how you feel? Have you shared these feelings in front of the counselor when you went to counseling? If you have and she has not considered them and felt uncomfortable enough to want to change then maybe divorce is the best thing. However, if she is verbally abusive now in the marriage and has a negative reaction to a divorce then get ready for it to get very ugly and in most cases the children do get dragged in. However, maybe she is just as miserable and wants out also.
Was there a time in your marriage where you were not unhappy? If so maybe she is just as unhappy as you and somehow having two children under the age of 3 and working full time takes all the energy out of a marriage.
Are you still in counseling? If so is there any indication that she wants to work on the marriage and save it?
If she wasn't verbally abusive and was more intimate with you would that make you feel less unhappy?
The stress of life itself can really zap a marriage..
I do not have any answers but sometimes getting a divorce works and sometimes it doesn't.
I wish you luck.
|
Lovemygirls
recently joined
Reged: 06/25/08
Posts: 13
|
|
No, I haven't brought that up at the counselor's. Not intentionall for some reason it didn't come to mind during the few sessions we both attended.
If she were more intimate and less angry and critical, etc I think I would be happier.
I was about to give up on the counseling b/c i felt our issues were normal for people with two young kids and I am willing to keep trying but not if every day i am absolutely miserable and depressed. If she can stop with the verbal abuse I am willing to keep trying. I have an opportunity to rent a house from my family for cheap soon. I need to decide whether to stick it out soon.
Oh the other thing is that my wife tells me to get out of her house if i don't like it. She thinks its her house only b/c her family gave $ to help on the purchase.
|
Annie7676
old hand
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 862
Loc: NY
|
|
In fairness to your girls, yourself and your wife I would suggest you be honest with her about how you feel, she may not have a clue and you both have fallen into a terrible pattern and forgot about you and her in the marriage. Her unhappiness may be coming out with verbal abuse and lack of intimacy, you may have shut down because you are so miserable...its a recurring cycle...
I would offer up that you take her somewhere away from the children, the two of you and plan carefully what you want to say and tell her how unhappy you are and then ask her if she is happy. She may say no and then try from there..you may want to try and save your marriage first with all you got..and get it all out there and then if you still feel terrible then give up.
divorce is tough and not very amiable, you think its bad now...
only you can know if its worth saving but for the sake of your family, saving it is worth a try at least
and then if it isn't at least you tried.
good luck
|
HO2
member
Reged: 08/14/06
Posts: 178
|
|
Two kids under three and both parents working full-time.....I know that many people live like that, but face it: little kids take 150% percent and in most jobs they want 100% from you as well - and then what is left for your partner? What is left for yourself? Where do you find the energy to be generous, patient, loving?
Basically noone out there is a nice and charming and sensual person when they are running low on batteries and have a million things on their plates, sometimes less money and more time is the better deal.
Without knowing any details, I would think that both of you feel overwhelmed........this is the kind of sitatution where people ask themselves 'how about my needs, how about me?' I understand that frustration leads to unhappiness, unhappiness leads to anger and depression. Still, unhappiness does not give you the right to verbally abuse your partner. Unhappiness does not give you the right to abandon your partner by knocking yourself out with alcohol and leaving your partner to take care of things - the ONE moment when you could be 'family'. This is the pattern you have to break first.
And then - as a second step - you will have to talk about what each of you can do for the other to be happier. You will have to make time for you two as a couple without chores, without kids - which is probably difficult because you do not get to spend a lot of time with your kids anyway right now - and each of you will need some alone-time.... so that your wife has some time to herself where she can breathe and relax and recover and that you have some time to yourself......'room for de-stressing'....as a young parent you often forget that it is also your responsibility to see to it that you as a parent are in the best of possible shapes and that you need to be 'selfish' at times so that you can be the best version of yourself....
If all of the above does not sound feasible right now,
then know that it is only the first few years of a kid's life that they take away a lot of your time and energy. The situation now with two helpless toddlers should not be projected into the future : the future will be different, that is for certain.
You are giving now, you are sacrificing time and energy and 'fun' to raise babies, you make that sacrifice for a few years; in retrospect the phase you are going through right now will not look like a long time .....
I would not simply run away now and make a difficult situation even worse, with even less time with your kids, with even less mutual support, with even more fighting about assets, alimony, time with kids....creating five more battlefields and even more pain for the four of you .......
Changes are needed, adjustments are needed that is correct, but there are far better options out there than divorce....
|
Lovemygirls
recently joined
Reged: 06/25/08
Posts: 13
|
|
I tried to bring up the verbal abuse last night and she got defensive and said I was verbally abusive and wasn't being helpful with the children. I said forget it, I can't talk to you, you are never wrong and you are always defensive.
"Unhappiness does not give you the right to abandon your partner by knocking yourself out with alcohol and leaving your partner to take care of things"
I was waiting for someone to pick up on the little mention of alcohol use. I use it to get by during these stressful times. I don't feel I shirk my responsibilities.
Also, my wife does not trust me, she checks my email accounts. I changed the passwords b/c of that.
I will stick it out as I know this child raising has got to get easier. I know my 2.5 year old is getting easier.
|
Annie7676
old hand
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 862
Loc: NY
|
|
Its normal for people to get defensive when they feel criticized/attacked/threatened or put down. And it is almost impossible to get ones point across without that happening...and of course once you put it out there she attacks back in the psych books its called ego defense mechanisms...
dont just "stick it out" for you, her or the children. That is a doom of all marriages, both living in silent or fighting misery....my x did that for years i guess...he never fought with me, was a great provider, etc etc but had checked out long ago but what happened is he was seething underneath with disdain and anger....not a pretty thought...
why not next time when she lashes out say i hear you but what you just said really hurt me, what do you mean by that
i still think now that i am old and out of it that some marriages can be saved...i think as couples we get caught up in life, bills, jobs, triggers, hurts, etc and we hold it all in and fester......and then when the initimacy goes...thats like the kiss of death....
can you recall when you felt excited or wanted to be around your wife? she is probably still the same person, the kids, etc are just maybe blocking who she used to be from the pressures of that...
i would suggest that even if she does not continue counseling that you do for yourself to have a "trained" counselor help you with this. It would be great if both of you could go to a counselor that could help you both find your way back to your wife.
and i just have to ask...does she love you? and do you love her?
if so...then i would say its worth it to save your marriage.
again I wish you good luck.
|
Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7135
|
|
Can you give a brief run down of a typical day in your life (including your wifes life?) I bet people who have been through this and have learned a few things can point out places that need to change on both sides.
AS for the alcohol thing....YOU are the one who brought it up, at the end of your post, in a seperate paragraph, and then you "wondered" when someone was going to mention it. You made it the pink elephant in the room. On these forums don't ever go "oh yeah and BTW..as an after thought I should tell you " about something that "isn't important" because that totaly makes it look like it is.
--------------------
When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
|
Lovemygirls
recently joined
Reged: 06/25/08
Posts: 13
|
|
I know I didn't want to make a huge issue out of it b/c every counselor I go to focuses way too much on the alcohol thing. I know it isn't helping but I don't think its the only issue.
|
HO2
member
Reged: 08/14/06
Posts: 178
|
|
I am sure that it is not the only issue, but take it from me: one of the top ten complaints that women have is that their husbands drink too much and that it is an enormous turn-off. I don't mean the occasional glass of wine or beer when you have dinner with friends, I mean non-social drinking....even worse when non-social drinking comes with a 'only because of you...' message attached.
As a matter of fact, if you do not need alcohol, then try to stay away from the bottle at the weekend and get into a 'father & child quality time'- routine. I remember how I adored spending time with my Dad and going for a walk & just chit-chat, while my mum was doing whatever. It is possible that this will change the quality of your marriage dramatically.
There is no better remedy than taking the request of your partner seriously. This way you will also be in a stronger position to get her to listen to your requests. It is taking and giving....either that or... justifying one's own weaknesses and bad deeds by constantly repeating the weaknesses and failings of your spouse....and I mean this with respect to both of you....it is easy to get into a 'I only do this because he/she ' routine without taking responsibility for one's choices. Both of you have the ability to make the choice to make things better...the wiser one makes the first move.
|
Previous
Index
Next
Threaded
Edit
Reply
Quote
