Sunni3
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Reged: 06/27/08
Posts: 11
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I agree with you 100%. You gave some seriously awesome advice. This will also help others in a similiar situation. Bravo
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Lovemygirls
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Reged: 06/25/08
Posts: 13
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Quote:
Can you give a brief run down of a typical day in your life (including your wifes life?)
We get up start getting ready for work and getting the kids ready for daycare. There is usually accusations about one person doing more to help get the kids ready or fighting over who got more sleep. We stress out until we get the kids out of the house to daycare. We both work 8 hours, one of us picks the kids up. (If I get home late b/c of work or getting a haircut I get accussed of being a liar as to where i've been) We get home and feed the kids, give them baths, get them to bed and then start dinner about 8pm. We eat and then go to bed. We eat dinner in front of the tv. Usually i get annoyed b/c it takes her so long to get to bed after we eat. She usually comes to bed 30 mins after me. In bed, we are both so tired, we don't talk much. She usually asks me for a backrub, which i give most of the time. If I ask for sex, she always says no.
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Lovemygirls
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Reged: 06/25/08
Posts: 13
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Quote:
I am sure that it is not the only issue, but take it from me: one of the top ten complaints that women have is that their husbands drink too much and that it is an enormous turn-off. I don't mean the occasional glass of wine or beer when you have dinner with friends, I mean non-social drinking....even worse when non-social drinking comes with a 'only because of you...' message attached.
As a matter of fact, if you do not need alcohol, then try to stay away from the bottle at the weekend and get into a 'father & child quality time'- routine. I remember how I adored spending time with my Dad and going for a walk & just chit-chat, while my mum was doing whatever. It is possible that this will change the quality of your marriage dramatically.
There is no better remedy than taking the request of your partner seriously. This way you will also be in a stronger position to get her to listen to your requests. It is taking and giving....either that or... justifying one's own weaknesses and bad deeds by constantly repeating the weaknesses and failings of your spouse....and I mean this with respect to both of you....it is easy to get into a 'I only do this because he/she ' routine without taking responsibility for one's choices. Both of you have the ability to make the choice to make things better...the wiser one makes the first move.
I have made the choice to give up alcohol for me and my family.
I am very involved in my children's lives. I do things alot with them, but I'll do even more if I'm not hungover.
As for the rest of your reply-i'm not sure what you mean by the requests part.
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finz
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/17/08
Posts: 6453
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When my kids were in grammar school, they had a course called Second Step to teach them how to "fight fair" As goofy as it sounds, I learned a lot from it.
The first rule of fair fighting is .....use "I" statements, like "I feel like I am always being criticized" "I feel like nothing I do is good enough" Do you see how that is less confrontational than "You are verbally abusive" ?
The second rule is do not use the words never and always. Saying "I know how hard it is to work full time and take care of two little girls, but I miss date night, I miss the great sex we had that got us those two girls" is much more likely, if not to get sex that night at least to get the communication going than, "We never have sex anymore" and "You always shut me down when I'm trying to be romantic"
It's worth a shot........good luck !
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Lovemygirls
recently joined
Reged: 06/25/08
Posts: 13
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Ok, i can try that.
One question: How do you know if you just don't like each other? Or if its just the rest of the detractors/distractors/etc causing you to think you don't like the person?
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Annie7676
old hand
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 862
Loc: NY
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Thats a good question...the distrations/and built up tensions may cause the dislike...when people are angry with one another and hold it in and act out, e.g., drinking, verbal abuse, etc..that is usually a sign...it can cloud ones whole life...we start reacting from our hunkering down protect ourselves point and begin to develop terrible patterns of behavior.
and once the intimacy goes then its really hard to hang on
maybe if you will stop the drinking, continue to go to counseling get all the issues out no matter how painful then it will help but she will need to work with you
do you remember a tme where you liked our wife?
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Lovemygirls
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Reged: 06/25/08
Posts: 13
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I'm going to try stopping the drinking. Haven't had anything to drink in 5 days. Yes, I can remember a time when I liked her. I remember feeling very in love with her on our wedding day. I also remember being very in love with her during the early months of our relationship.
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Annie7676
old hand
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 862
Loc: NY
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Well maybe the person you loved is still in there - just as miserable as you....if you can both reach out to each other and find your way back maybe you can work out the marriage.
I was with my x for almost 30 yrs...jobs, kids, etc pushed us apart and then the intimacy goes...he is a nice guy and we both dealt with it in our different ways...and when this happens we usually arent consciously aware of it.
If both of you want to save your marriage and make a great life for you and your wife and the kids, then again counseling and facing what has happened may help. taking care of kids and working can really drain the time you have left as a couple...couples need to make that time for each other....
i wish you luck...divorce is very hard and can get very ugly and then after all that...the grass on the other side of the fence may not be greener after all....
divorce is easy to initiate but the train ride is awful...and life may never be the same....
again good luck
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7135
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We get up start getting ready for work and getting the kids ready for daycare. There is usually accusations about one person doing more to help get the kids ready or fighting over who got more sleep. We stress out until we get the kids out of the house to daycare. We both work 8 hours, one of us picks the kids up. (If I get home late b/c of work or getting a haircut I get accussed of being a liar as to where i've been) We get home and feed the kids, give them baths, get them to bed and then start dinner about 8pm. We eat and then go to bed. We eat dinner in front of the tv. Usually i get annoyed b/c it takes her so long to get to bed after we eat. She usually comes to bed 30 mins after me. In bed, we are both so tired, we don't talk much. She usually asks me for a backrub, which i give most of the time. If I ask for sex, she always says no.
Okay, here are some minor suggestions from a mother of 4 (3 of which were born one right after the other). Take turns being the one to get the most sleep. For a 3 day period you be the one to get up during the night and she gets to sleep, then switch. The one who gets to sleep through the night gets the kids ready the next morning. Get things ready the night before. Clothes, diapers and anything they need for daycare laid out where ever you get them ready. It will go much faster and be less stressful. If they eat breakfast before daycare get as much of that ready the night before as possible. Cereal and bowls and spoons on the table, or bread and plates by the toaster. Anything to make it easier when you aren't as tired and are better capeable of thinking. (mornings are personally worse for me)
After work, does she know when you are going to do something before coming home? The accusations are coming from her being insecure about the state of your relationship just like you are. Why are you not eating dinner WITH the kids? Take turns making dinner for the family while the other watches the kids and all of you eat together. You'll be amazed at how much more pleasant it is. Then take turns doing dishes while the other gives baths. You'll get done at roughly the same time and can put the kids to sleep together.
Now, as for the backrubs vs sex. She is asking you for intimacy and you are providing it. That's great. It would be so much easier to get her into the sex mood if you start by asking her to scratch your back or do something that doesn't start out as "sex". Offer compliments while she's doing it, tell her it feels good or that you like the way she touches you. You may be surprised by how it warms up into something more.
Seriously, if you want the marriage to last you'll have to work as a team. That will require both of you cooperating, but it can't hurt to make these suggestions. If she refuses then maybe it's over for her too, but at least you'll know you've tried.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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Lovemygirls
recently joined
Reged: 06/25/08
Posts: 13
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Those are some very good suggestions. We are going to have daycare give them a snack later in the day b/c when we pick them up they are starving. But the dinner together does sound good. We do it sometimes and always enjoy it but...anyway, she is now doing water aerobics with one of her girlfriends about 3 days a week at 5:30pm. So that'll make it hard.
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