finz
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/17/08
Posts: 6458
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Quote:
One question: How do you know if you just don't like each other? Or if its just the rest of the detractors/distractors/etc causing you to think you don't like the person?
Is your best case scenario that you can get that "lovin' feeling" back ? Then there is hope.
If you best case scenario is tolerating each other's presence until the girls reach college (my current plan) or having a civil divorce and finding happiness elsewhere, then it's most likely too late.
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Lovemygirls
recently joined
Reged: 06/25/08
Posts: 13
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I think that "lovin" feelin is too far gone. Last night we were fighting about the temperature in the bedroom and she got pissed about the fan being on b/c it bothered her sinuses and allergies (very common fight). So i got fed up and refused to turn the fan down and she lost her temper and spit on me. Nice huh. Should you stay with someone who spits on you? Oh and there was the verbal abuse going too--i hate you---why don't you lose some weight so you wouldn't be so hot. you're retarded, idiot. get out of my house, i'll get custody. pack a bag...blah blah......
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finz
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/17/08
Posts: 6458
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I'm trying to not laugh, but good Lord....she spit on you ? Is she 7 ?????
I know that this is a very personal decision that only you can make, but, it sounds like there is no respect there at all. Although divorce will be hard on your kids, sometimes you can do more damage by staying. You don't want them to grow up thinking this is what marraige is supposed to be. Your wife will obviously still have influence on them, but when they are with you, you will be able to teach them "this is the way we coomunicate in this house." Maybe someday, they will get to see you in a loving relationship with a new SO
Good luck
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Buckeye
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 12/08/05
Posts: 7857
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Don't agree with the spitting - but come on, she had a valid point about the fan (I have the same problem). We solved it by buying a fan with an extra slow setting so that we are both happy.
Sounds like you both could use some family counseling - believe me, it would be cheaper and easier to try than going through a divorce and possible custody problems.
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Lovemygirls
recently joined
Reged: 06/25/08
Posts: 13
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Doesn't matter what the disagreement was about, no excuse for acting like that. Regarding the family counseling, we have but she doesn't seem to take it seriously, don't make an effort to make appointments, etc. The counselor who sees us both individually also said he thought she was avoiding counseling. Anyway.
So for the update. Things were good for a few days. I think it was around the time that we had sex once or twice. Then it was back to the same old same old. For example, we got into a fight and I mentioned moving out and she said "grow a pair and leave". And yesterday she made a comment about me watching stupid 80s B movies and I said that was watching a show on the National Geographic Channel about Green Berets in Afghanistan. She said "you don't even know where Afghanistan is". Then this am, she has a cold and she's still sleeping (its almost noon). And i tried to get her up and she said "be a man and take care of your own kids for a while". Real nice huh? There is more, but its always talking down to me and flipping out on me and losing her temper. I have an opportunity to rent one of my family's properties that just became available. I've been thinking about it for a long time. I hate the fact that a family could be broken up. Its really saddening. Both of our parents are still together and I just feel like we owe it to our kids to stay together no matter how miserable we are. Then some days I think that time is precious and if we just keep staying together thinking things are going to get better as the kids get a little older and it isn't so hectic that half our life will be over and we'll both be miserable and nothing will get better. I mean, I know that stress brings out the worst in people but we just despise each other half the time. I feel like we just aren't right for each other.
Before Kathleen found out she was pregnant with our first child, she said she was going to leave me. We were sleeping in separate rooms and everything. I tried to talk to her about why she wanted to leave and asked her to go to counseling and she refused and wouldn't change her mind. It wasn't until she found out about being pregnant that decided to stick around.
I just don't know what to do. I can't stand the thought of not seeing my girls every day and what I think it will do to my oldest. I feel like its going to devastate her. I am so lost I don't want to make a bad decision.
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MaritimeGuy
addict
Reged: 04/15/08
Posts: 532
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I don't mean to add to your stress but you say you're concerned about how a split will affect your children. How do you think growing up in a home where mom and dad despise one another will affect them? You may be making a huge effort to keep this stuff from the kids but they can sense the tension. I heard it said just this past weekend, "It's better kids come from a broken home then grow up in one."
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Lovemygirls
recently joined
Reged: 06/25/08
Posts: 13
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Its been a while since I have been here. I guess I've just been dealing. We are still in counseling and are stable. I'm back to drinking on weekends.
The verbal abuse is no longer there. We are civil to one another. We do have friendship we talk to each other.
However, I can't get over the feeling that I am just not in love with her. Its a very oppressing feeling. I feel trapped as I don't want to give up the house and family, but I just can't get past it.
I don't feel attracted to her. I look at her and I don't feel love. I am in fact, at times, repulsed by her. I know this is bad, but being brutually honest.
I have many dreams about being in a relationship where I feel in love.
I just don't know.
Regarding the drinking, she isn't supportive of it. I told her this week that i was trying to stop drinking again and later that day she told me some friends were having a party and we should get a sitter and go (drinking).
I just don't know. There is also the issue of her habits that drive me nuts.
Its just crushing to me that neither one of us would be able to afford the house alone so we'd both end up in aparmtents. My daughters are 2 and 3. I feel like they'd be hurt badly. And I would hurt as I want to see them every day.
Is there any custody arrangment that allows the parents to see the kids daily? I can't imagine only seeing them like every 3 days or something like that.
I just feel like it isn't fair to either of us for me to stay with someone I don't feel like I love just for the kids. Help!!
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