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JennyLynn
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It's settled!
      #420010 - 06/26/08 02:58 PM

Judge signed off on it, XH and I signed off on it.

I now have sole custody. XH has visitation EOW Friday through Sunday evening at 6pm. I dismissed half the arrears, IF it's paid by December 4th, our hearing date. He will owe $300/month flat. He started a new job - at a restaurant. So at least he's working. If the half of the arrears isn't paid by the date of the hearing, he'll owe the full amount.

Other than his psycho mother making a few snide remarks, it all went well.


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Cassie23
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Re: It's settled! [Re: JennyLynn]
      #420013 - 06/26/08 03:00 PM

What was his CS before the new $300 amount?

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MaritimeGuy
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Re: It's settled! [Re: JennyLynn]
      #420014 - 06/26/08 03:01 PM

Hey good news!

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preemiemom
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Re: It's settled! [Re: JennyLynn]
      #420016 - 06/26/08 03:01 PM

Someone owes me a dollar.

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PrincessJ
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Re: It's settled! [Re: JennyLynn]
      #420017 - 06/26/08 03:02 PM

Psycho mom must be so proud.

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youngatheart
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Re: It's settled! [Re: preemiemom]
      #420020 - 06/26/08 03:03 PM

Why is that?

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BB1
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Re: It's settled! [Re: JennyLynn]
      #420022 - 06/26/08 03:05 PM

That's excellent, JL. You must be relieved that it's over. I know you were anxious about the whole thing.

Why was his mommy there? Did she need to hold his bitty hand while the judge made him take some responsibility?

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preemiemom
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Re: It's settled! [Re: youngatheart]
      #420025 - 06/26/08 03:08 PM

[quote]Why is that? [/quote]

On the other thread, Katie asked if he was going to jail. I said I bet a dollar he wasn't.


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Tweeby
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Re: It's settled! [Re: preemiemom]
      #420027 - 06/26/08 03:08 PM

This is how JL expected it to turn out. IF there was an agreement than there would be no jail term. But I guess you didn't read that part.

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youngatheart
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Re: It's settled! [Re: preemiemom]
      #420028 - 06/26/08 03:09 PM

Why would he when he signed the agreement she offered and the Courts accepted it?

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Laineann
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Re: It's settled! [Re: JennyLynn]
      #420030 - 06/26/08 03:12 PM

Congrats to you. Bet you are glad it is over!!

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preemiemom
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Re: It's settled! [Re: youngatheart]
      #420031 - 06/26/08 03:12 PM

There's no guarantee the court would accept it is there? Unless she really went to court yesterday? How would one know until you got in front of the judge? I mean he's SUCH a horrendous deadbeat father, and Oklahoma, her county in particular, is sooooo stringent. Gotta teach him a lesson right? Make him change his ways? So much for that. Evidently the court isn't all the concerned with that. Of course, evidently this court isn't opposed to selling custody for child support. Unbelievable. This is why NY doesn't do this. You can't combine child support with custody. Period.

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youngatheart
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Re: It's settled! [Re: preemiemom]
      #420036 - 06/26/08 03:18 PM

You seriously make NO sense. Jenn made a proposal to him, he agreed with it and signed it. The Judge signed off on it. Why would the Courts do anything further. As Jenn said yesterday, she was told that the Judge would go with just about anything that she was agreeable to. And they did. End of story.

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agui667
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Re: It's settled! [Re: preemiemom]
      #420037 - 06/26/08 03:18 PM

Here is the thing I don't understand...Why was custody changed to 100% sole to you. What purpose did that serve? How is your son going to feel when he learns that his dad gave up custody to clear a debt, at your request? JL, this is going to come back and bite you in about 10 years.

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preemiemom
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Re: It's settled! [Re: youngatheart]
      #420039 - 06/26/08 03:19 PM

It was sarcastic. Everyone sooo insistent that judge's don't care what people WANT or AGREE to. Or did you miss that part of that thread?

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BB1
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Re: It's settled! [Re: agui667]
      #420041 - 06/26/08 03:20 PM

How is your son going to feel when he learns that his dad gave up custody to clear a debt, at your request? JL, this is going to come back and bite you in about 10 years.

-----------------If the parents are smart, the son won't ever hear those words.

--------------------
It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear.


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preemiemom
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Re: It's settled! [Re: agui667]
      #420042 - 06/26/08 03:21 PM

[quote]Here is the thing I don't understand...Why was custody changed to 100% sole to you. What purpose did that serve? How is your son going to feel when he learns that his dad gave up custody to clear a debt, at your request? JL, this is going to come back and bite you in about 10 years. [/quote]

She doesn't care. She wants the man GONE. It's plain as day. Sad really. This is just phase one...


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Cassie23
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Re: It's settled! [Re: preemiemom]
      #420043 - 06/26/08 03:21 PM

My guess would have been no jail as well whether JL was there or not.

I also agree that custody and support should have NEVER been brought up in court in a nonpayment hearing.

JL may have gotten what she wanted (sole custody with EOWeekend) by doing it this way, but I personally think the way she went about getting what she wanted is absolutely wrong.

I find that the court systems are getting worse and worse if they allow an exchange of money (or no money) for a change in custody or visitation. I find it extremely sad. The reason why I dislike judges, courts and the CS laws in most states (/counties).


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Cassie23
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Re: It's settled! [Re: BB1]
      #420049 - 06/26/08 03:24 PM

If the parents are smart, the son won't ever hear those words. (end quote)

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

In most divorced situations (certainly not all) you are going to have one not so smart parent! ;)


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MTmom
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Re: It's settled! [Re: Cassie23]
      #420050 - 06/26/08 03:25 PM

"JL may have gotten what she wanted (sole custody with EOWeekend) by doing it this way, but I personally think the way she went about getting what she wanted is absolutely wrong. "

And she never would have had the opportunity to make this "deal" had superdad upheld his end of the court order...

so when the day is done.. he is responsible for his own choices.

This time? He chose to sell his son. Nice.


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BB1
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Re: It's settled! [Re: Cassie23]
      #420051 - 06/26/08 03:26 PM

In most divorced situations (certainly not all) you are going to have one not so smart parent! ;)


---------------Amen to that!!

Seriously, I doubt JL is going to say, Son, I bought you from your dad. And I doubt the ex is going to say, Son, I sold you to your mom. That's just silly.

--------------------
It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear.


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Cassie23
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Re: It's settled! [Re: MTmom]
      #420053 - 06/26/08 03:27 PM

This time? He chose to sell his son. Nice.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Oh I agree, he sucks- but he only chose to sell his son because he was offered the choice by his son's mother. Two wrongs surely don't make a right, and that definitely is upheld in this scenario as well in most life situations.


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youngatheart
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Re: It's settled! [Re: agui667]
      #420057 - 06/26/08 03:30 PM

Actually, this is soemthing I agree with her on 100%. Her ex is a loser. In 10 years when something goes wrong with her son, she now has no requirement to let him into the decision process. She is in control, even if he decides he wants to be an a$$.

In most cases I wouldn't agree. In hers I do.


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preemiemom
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Re: It's settled! [Re: Cassie23]
      #420059 - 06/26/08 03:30 PM

[quote]If the parents are smart, the son won't ever hear those words. (end quote)

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

In most divorced situations (certainly not all) you are going to have one not so smart parent! ;) [/quote]

Or more than likely, as in this case, one not so smart, and one vindictive. NOT a good combination.


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PrincessJ
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Re: It's settled! [Re: BB1]
      #420061 - 06/26/08 03:33 PM

Seriously, I doubt JL is going to say, Son, I bought you from your dad. And I doubt the ex is going to say, Son, I sold you to your mom. That's just silly.


---->If he is as big an arse as she has described? I can totally see it coming out of HIS mouth.

--------------------
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
--Jack Handey


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Cassie23
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Re: It's settled! [Re: youngatheart]
      #420063 - 06/26/08 03:35 PM

Actually, this is soemthing I agree with her on 100%. Her ex is a loser. In 10 years when something goes wrong with her son, she now has no requirement to let him into the decision process. She is in control, even if he decides he wants to be an a$$.

In most cases I wouldn't agree. In hers I do. (end quote)

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Her ex is a loser. If she thought he didn't deserve joint then she should have sought a modification of custody and visitation. I think it was a very cowardly way of getting what she wanted. Even so I think it sucks even more that the courts would allow such an exchange.


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agui667
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Re: It's settled! [Re: Cassie23]
      #420065 - 06/26/08 03:38 PM

----> Seriously, I doubt JL is going to say, Son, I bought you from your dad. And I doubt the ex is going to say, Son, I sold you to your mom. That's just silly.<-----

No, but I see it going something like this when her son gets older and wants to hang out with his dad, and he will.

"you see Jr. your dad didn't even love you enough to fight for 50% custody, he reliquished his custodial rights. But Mommy would never do that, I love you soooooo much!"

Sick Sick Sick Sick

And if I'm wrong, I would like JL to answer this queston...

What on earth did CS have to do with custody?????????


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JennyLynn
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Re: It's settled! [Re: Cassie23]
      #420067 - 06/26/08 03:40 PM

Of course not everyone is going to agree with my decision - you don't have to. It's not your X, it's not your child, it's not your life.

Am I a coward? I'm anything but a coward. Do I think I'll regret this in 10 years? Nope. I'm damn proud of myself, and no one can take that away from me.

Sure, I have sole now on paper, he has EOW - this is the SAME that we PRACTICE now. I legalized it. I used the CS situation to be able to do so - he got some of what he wanted, I got some of what I wanted.

Is my son a pawn? Hell no. Anyone can think or say what they wished - but at the end of the day? I have absolutely NO regrets and I did what was best for MY son, and it's a shame some people I would have thought would have respected that, don't.

Again, I'm proud of my decision. I forced XH into nothing. He agreed to the terms. I asked him for his input, he had none. I've negotiated, he's a big boy - he didn't have to sign anything he didn't want to. The judge? If HE had a problem with it, nor would he would have signed.

And so, here it is, at the end of the day - it's over. I'm happy. And my son is happy. And X SHOULD be happy. And that's all that matters - what I did WAS right for MY SON.


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MTmom
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Re: It's settled! [Re: Cassie23]
      #420068 - 06/26/08 03:40 PM

It was a very cost effective way of getting it. Had she sought the modification there would have been lawyers, experts, evidentiary hearings, and a bunch of wasted time.

This way she got the modification w/o a fight AND her ex got a break on arrears.


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youngatheart
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Re: It's settled! [Re: Cassie23]
      #420069 - 06/26/08 03:40 PM

Why would she seek a modification if she can get him to agree? Good Lord. She ended up getting what she believes is in the best interests of her son: sole decision making power.

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JennyLynn
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Re: It's settled! [Re: agui667]
      #420070 - 06/26/08 03:41 PM

<<you see Jr. your dad didn't even love you enough to fight for 50% custody, he reliquished his parental rights. But Mommy would never do that, I love you soooooo much!">>

HE HAS NEVER HAD 50/50 CUSTODY. Jesus Christ how many times do I have to say it??? All I did was make official what is ALREADY in reality in place.


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agui667
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Re: It's settled! [Re: JennyLynn]
      #420072 - 06/26/08 03:44 PM

Whatever JL...I think you made a big mistake, but that's just my opinion.

But seeing as how worked out for you, I hope I never see a posting by you concerning how horrible of a dad your ex is! I don't want to hear about him how he doesn't care about the daycare, school or your son being sick. I don't want to hear about any of it anymore. You got what you asked for and now you are going to have to live with it!


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PrincessJ
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Re: It's settled! [Re: JennyLynn]
      #420073 - 06/26/08 03:45 PM

What WAS the custodial arrangement, exactly?

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I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
--Jack Handey


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JennyLynn
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Re: It's settled! [Re: agui667]
      #420074 - 06/26/08 03:45 PM

Aqui - give me a break. seriously. He ALREADY doesn't do those things. There is seriously no reason for this discussion - you apparently don't want to remember all the facts.

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1966Gal
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Re: It's settled! [Re: JennyLynn]
      #420075 - 06/26/08 03:46 PM

Wow. Some of you are being rough. She didn't "sell" her son at all. She forgave 1/2 of arrears and got their custody arragmemnt modified to reflect what is truly taking place.


Are you guys forgetting how many opportunities she gave him to not only exercise his custody but have MORE if he wanted it? How long does his crap have to go on before she can finally say to herself "he's not going to step up and I need to move on with my life?"

Her ex has been given MORE than enough time and opportunity to do the right thing and he has repeated chosen not to. That's not JL's fault. At some point, she has to stop playing the game and take her ball and go home...and that's what she did.

I think the guy got off easy...too easy!

--------------------
The Gov cannot give anything to anyone - that they have not first taken away from someone else.


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JennyLynn
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Re: It's settled! [Re: PrincessJ]
      #420077 - 06/26/08 03:46 PM

The arrangement we've had in place PJ?

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youngatheart
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Re: It's settled! [Re: agui667]
      #420079 - 06/26/08 03:46 PM

He didn't care when he did have joint legal custody. Her doing what she did ensures that he can't step in later, having NO CLUE the realities, and start making demands. Good Lord.

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BB1
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Re: It's settled! [Re: agui667]
      #420080 - 06/26/08 03:47 PM

I don't want to hear about any of it anymore.


--------------Guess you might want to put her on ignore then, since it is a public forum.

--------------------
It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear.


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matilda
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Re: It's settled! [Re: JennyLynn]
      #420081 - 06/26/08 03:47 PM

Congratulations on reaching a settlement!! I sincerely hope that this ends some of your stress and you are better able to move on with your life. Regardless if other posters agree or disagree, you are becoming a stronger woman. Hopefully he pays the money so that you are able to pay off some debt as well. My best advice for you is to go out this weekend and do something fun with your son and forget about what happened for awhile.

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Cassie23
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Re: It's settled! [Re: JennyLynn]
      #420082 - 06/26/08 03:48 PM

JL I have been on your side from the beginning.

Do you truly think you did the right thing- 100 PERCENT? Because if you thought it was the RIGHT thing from day 1 you wouldn't have come on here TWO days ago asking us if it was the right thing. Several of your posts have you questioning whether or not you were right- what's right, not knowing what is right... Remember??

I think it was cowardly because you chose to exchange what you wanted (as for custody) for less money. If it was an issue you should have sought a modification in custody and got it the right way.

Don't be so sure of not having regrets later- you don't know that. Did you do what you thought was best given the situation? Yes, I am sure you did. But if you are telling me NOW that you are 100 percent certain you did the right thing today- I would actually call you a liar too.

I think you did what you felt you needed to today. There are reasons for it, I am sure. I guess someday you will find out if it was the right thing to do.


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PrincessJ
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Re: It's settled! [Re: JennyLynn]
      #420083 - 06/26/08 03:48 PM

[quote]The arrangement we've had in place PJ? [/quote]

Yeah. I guess. Not what he exercises but exactly what it was ON PAPER. KWIM?

--------------------
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
--Jack Handey


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Tweeby
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Re: It's settled! [Re: 1966Gal]
      #420085 - 06/26/08 03:49 PM

I would agree Runs. Thee is not that big of a difference between joint and sole legal. The NCP STILL has rights. JL STILL has to inform her ex of any major decisions now she just doesn't have to have him agree. Meaning if her ex is not around and a decision needs to be made she makes it without having to worry about her ex contesting it later.

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Melody
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It's decision making!!!! [Re: agui667]
      #420089 - 06/26/08 03:52 PM

What the heck???? He's not giving up his kid in order to clear a debt...he gave up the power to make decisions regarding the kid....whole different picture. He still has visitation....it's just semantics (sole vs. joint). And in 10 years, she can explain that to the kid, because he will have the competency to grasp the difference between the two types of custody.

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Cassie23
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Re: It's settled! [Re: MTmom]
      #420090 - 06/26/08 03:52 PM

If her ex was willing to give her sole custody then she wouldn't have needed the lawyers and everything else.

I think making custody issue at a CS nonpayment hearing is wrong. I am surprised this judge allowed it.

Is it normal in OK for a custody and CS to be done at the same time? Even if it is then fine- but if that's not the norm...then I think the courts made a mistake and BOTH the parents made a mistake.


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JennyLynn
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Re: It's settled! [Re: PrincessJ]
      #420092 - 06/26/08 03:54 PM

PJ - what we originally had in place was joint legal custody.

His visitation consisted of holidays (we'd switch off), EOW Friday through Monday, EVERY Thursday, 5 weeks in the summer.

He's exercised ONE of his holidays. He did keep him a bit extra over Christmas when he had his daughter. he's exercised his Thursday night visitation 4 times in over a year. Basically, it's EOW.

He's never been to a dr. appointment or dentist appt. - not even when I had to take DS to the ER. I've informed him of everything. He didn't want to help choose his daycare. NONE of the decisions regarding our son has he wanted ANYTHING to do with. he doesn't even know DS's pediatrician or dentist's names, or where they are - I've told him...but he wouldn't remember. He had to ask me for his daycare's name 5 times after he'd already started. He doesn't WANT to have responsibility for these decisions.

Now? This is all on paper, only his EOW visitation ends at 6pm Sundays b/c I'm sick of picking DS up on Mondays after his father's visitation with him falling asleep in the car when we live 2 miles from his daycare b/c he's had no rest at his dad's.

Child Support? He was originally ordered to pay $602.75/month - this included half of daycare, medical/dental insurance, and roughly $200 of that was in actual "child support." Since November he was also ordered to pay $130/month for arrears, and $119/month for his portion of debt he owes me on the van (this doesn't include other debts he owes me in full amount).

Now? He gets 6 months to pay $3K in arrears. He only has to pay $300/month in CS (including everything - daycare, insurance, etc).

And I now get on paper what I've had all along anyway.

Will I regret my decision? Nope.

Edited by JennyLynn (06/26/08 03:56 PM)


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Runswithscissors
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Re: It's settled! [Re: preemiemom]
      #420094 - 06/26/08 03:55 PM

We already knew he wasn't going ot jail because yesterday he accepted her offer......I remember saying to you and KrazyKat if it's agreed upon then "what's the problem".... he agreed YESTERDAY to her proposal.........

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MTmom
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Re: It's settled! [Re: Cassie23]
      #420095 - 06/26/08 03:55 PM

"I think making custody issue at a CS nonpayment hearing is wrong. I am surprised this judge allowed it. "

Lots of judges "allow" it... I personally know of 4 who have.. and I don't personally know JL, so she's not counted.

Lots of judges allow and even support negotiating child support for parenting plans that will reduce fighting.. I've seen it first hand.


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Melody
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He DIDN"T relinquish his rights [Re: JennyLynn]
      #420097 - 06/26/08 03:55 PM

he merely agreed to let Jennylynn be the decision maker....and as compensation for this option, he gets to keep $3000 IF he pays the other $3000 by December. What will really be interesting is if he fails to do that....and then Jenny gets what she wanted all along WITHOUT having to forgive any of the money.

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Runswithscissors
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Re: It's settled! [Re: JennyLynn]
      #420098 - 06/26/08 03:56 PM

Congrats JL!!! Go party!

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Re: He DIDN"T relinquish his rights [Re: Melody]
      #420099 - 06/26/08 03:57 PM

Exactly Melody - and he also gets to pay less than HALF the state ordered CS.

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JennyLynn
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Re: It's settled! [Re: Runswithscissors]
      #420100 - 06/26/08 03:57 PM

LOL thank you!!

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Cassie23
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Re: It's settled! [Re: Cassie23]
      #420103 - 06/26/08 03:58 PM

You know what? I guess I'm trying to understand the court systems in OK. What I'm saying is if the courts allowed a CS nonpayment hearing to become a custody hearing that bothers me if in OK those two things are to be kept separate normally.

Another thing that bothers me is had she kept it separate would she have gotten sole custody and the visitation agreement she wanted??

If she would have, then I could see getting it done that way. But the way I first understood it was IF he is willing to give her SOLE and the EOWeekend visitation THEN she will take away some of the arrears.

Was that the deal? Or like Susan said did she just want the new order to reflect what is already taking place?

Also Susan, her ex was keeping her son till Monday mornings- the new order is till Sunday at 6pm, so he lost some of what he did have and was using.


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Spring
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Re: It's settled! [Re: agui667]
      #420107 - 06/26/08 03:59 PM

I had full custody of my son up until he was about 12. I still involved my ex in every decision made...and only on one occassion did I have to "pull rank".

In some cases. I think it is better to have one parent making all decisions. In some cases, the parents can not co-parent.

Regardless of what is layed out, there is still absolutely no reason for JL's ex to not be the daddy the boy needs. There is nothing stopping him legally from doing anything but having a say in the day to day decissions.

I personally did not agree with my ex not having joint custody. I actually had though he did have it...until something made me check. We practiced joint anyway..so when the time came that we finally did our divorce papers, it was changed.

JL, having sole custody gives you way too much unilateral power, IMO. I am not saying it is wrong for your situation...I am just leary of one parenting having that much power over another. I am hopeful that you will try to respect the boys father for what his position is in your son's life. No power tripping...no moving the boy away etc. You have stated that you did what was right for YOU a few times...and I only saw once where you said you did what was right for your son. I am praying this IS what is right for your son, I can completely understand that it is what's right for you.

Again, I am not saying yur decision was wrong, its not mine to judge. I am just very hopeful you understand the power you have, and that Dad has given up to you, and I pray that you make every decision with what is truly and deeply best for your son.

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Cassie23
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Re: He DIDN"T relinquish his rights [Re: Melody]
      #420110 - 06/26/08 04:01 PM

That Melody is very true.

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Re: It's settled! [Re: 1966Gal]
      #420112 - 06/26/08 04:01 PM

I agree GAL!

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youngatheart
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Re: It's settled! [Re: Cassie23]
      #420113 - 06/26/08 04:02 PM

Everything I've seen here, custody and child support are done together.

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Melody
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Yup...sorry [Re: JennyLynn]
      #420114 - 06/26/08 04:03 PM

I missed that part. He even got a HUGE break on the monthly CS payments....so preemiemom should be REALLY happy about that now, cuz he'll be able to get the REFRIGERATOR box instead of the DISHWASHER box for his new home.

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Melody
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They are separate issues [Re: Cassie23]
      #420118 - 06/26/08 04:06 PM

but they are still intertwined if the state is one that uses parenting time in their calculations. So...if you have a custody/visitation issue that gets resolved and there is a change to the amount of parenting time, then an adjustment of child support is automatic as the timeshares are changed. Here in CA, the child support is ALWAYS adjusted as part of the process when parenting time is altered.

I went from having 50/50 with my ex to having sole legal/physical and 0/100. It would have sucked big time, if I had to file a separate motion to then get the child support amount refigured when I now had 100% of the parenting time. Instead it was adjusted right then and there.


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Re: It's settled! [Re: youngatheart]
      #420120 - 06/26/08 04:07 PM

Then there is nothing wrong with how they decided it.

I am used to NYS where that is a huge no--no. I am also used to crappy judges, courts and CS laws.

If OK normally does it that way, then what is done is done.

I do hope it came off as more of wanting the new order to show what has been taking place (as far as custody and visitation) and not I will take off this amount of money if you sign away your joint custody rights. That just gives me a ucky feeling.


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PrincessJ
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Re: It's settled! [Re: Cassie23]
      #420122 - 06/26/08 04:09 PM

Maybe that's why PM finds it bothersome, as well. She's in NYS. They must work very differently in OK.

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Re: They are separate issues [Re: Melody]
      #420123 - 06/26/08 04:09 PM

I understand that in configuring CS. But then it would make sense to me that if those two issues were separate you would have to get the modification in custody/visitation FIRST, showing the lack of visitation. AND then set the CS according at another hearing.

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No the courts are not interested [Re: Cassie23]
      #420126 - 06/26/08 04:12 PM

in dragging it out even longer, having to backdate and make support retroactive, backlog the court calendars even more, and cost thousands of dollars more for attorneys when it can simply be done and all wrapped up together. The visitation issues are always dealt with first with NO discussion of CS until after either an agreement is reached or the judge rules....THEN the figures go into the calculation and support is set.

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Re: It's settled! [Re: Spring]
      #420130 - 06/26/08 04:16 PM

Spring I completely understand what you're saying - what I'm trying to say is I ALREADY make every single decision regarding my son ON MY OWN. XH has never responded with any input regarding any decisions for DS.

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Re: It's settled! [Re: Runswithscissors]
      #420132 - 06/26/08 04:16 PM

[quote]We already knew he wasn't going ot jail because yesterday he accepted her offer......I remember saying to you and KrazyKat if it's agreed upon then "what's the problem".... he agreed YESTERDAY to her proposal......... [/quote]

HE agreed, didn't mean a JUDGE would agree. Particularly when selling off custody. Sickening.. Truly.. Sickening..


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Cassie23
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Re: No the courts are not interested [Re: Melody]
      #420133 - 06/26/08 04:17 PM

If it was set that way to reflect what is already happening then that's cool, except he should have gotten till Monday mornings.

But the way JL first brought it forth was she wanted to use the custody and visitation in exchange for taking away some arrears. That I think is wrong no matter how you color it. To each their own.

Although JL is making it sound now like is absolutely the right thing and she will have no regrets- I just wonder how things change so quickly? One day you aren't knowing for sure, and you don't know whats right and the next day you know it was the right thing with no regrets. I just think that might be a little forced, in my eyes...


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preemiemom
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Re: They are separate issues [Re: Cassie23]
      #420135 - 06/26/08 04:19 PM

I believe that is how it works here. THey won't allow you to tie the two together, after the initial divorce. Or in an initial custody/child support situation. Just TO avoid situations like this. Judge hearing custody couldn't give a shyt less whether other parent never paid a DIME. don't care. It's about custody. Period. If you try to bring UP monetary issues? They will threaten you with contempt of court.

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Spring
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Re: It's settled! [Re: JennyLynn]
      #420136 - 06/26/08 04:19 PM

Yup...I know. I am hopefull one day he will grow up and want to be part of thise decisions...and not just to cause problems, but because he decided his son is that important.

The paper doesn't really matter, but it is your safe guard. For the sake of your son, I would still encourage Dad to be a part of his world on every level. The paper is your security...make sense?

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Re: No the courts are not interested [Re: Cassie23]
      #420139 - 06/26/08 04:19 PM

Cassie - when did I say I didn't know for sure? I asked people what they would do, I NEVER suggested I wasn't sure if it was right?

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youngatheart
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Re: No the courts are not interested [Re: Cassie23]
      #420140 - 06/26/08 04:20 PM

Actually, I personally know that him having til Monday morning was a HUGE problem because he kept breaking the daycare rules by not bringing him in until naptime on his Mondays. The daycare has actually brought this up with Jenn several times. The last thing Jenn or B need right now is to lose his spot at daycare because of idiot-boy.

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Re: It's settled! [Re: Spring]
      #420141 - 06/26/08 04:20 PM

Definitely makes sense Spring. And I told him just that - if he ever wants to be more a part of his son's life, I hope he does.

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katiefedup
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Re: It's settled! [Re: preemiemom]
      #420142 - 06/26/08 04:20 PM

Now if the ex H had 1/2 a brain he would be back in court asking for more visitation to include holidays and what not. Just a while ago JL said if she got 100% custody she wouldn't ask for CS...why the change? The only looser in this whole mess is the little boy. Id it 100% physical and legal? If it is both the JL doesn't even have to let him go EOW

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preemiemom
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Re: No the courts are not interested [Re: Cassie23]
      #420143 - 06/26/08 04:20 PM

That's the STATUS QUO Cassie. THAT is why I get so frustrated with her. It is like that with EVERY issue on here with her. Then she gets her back patted 9 ways to Sunday on how she's "doing the right thing" and suddenly she's Helen Reddy.. all empowered and ready to stand up to that big bad man.

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Re: No the courts are not interested [Re: youngatheart]
      #420145 - 06/26/08 04:20 PM

Exactly - I have my reasons for ending it on Sunday evenings.

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cincsu
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Re: No the courts are not interested [Re: JennyLynn]
      #420146 - 06/26/08 04:22 PM

sounds like a good deal to me if all the parents are happy....he got a huge reduction in CS which may now be able to allow him to not live with his mother. it doesn't sound like from what you've said he's really losing anything with your son since he never participated anyway. now you have it in writing you can do what you want. he may regret it one day, but as you said he didn't have to sign the papers. he could have agreed to go to jail or begun his new job months ago to pay something.

the only question i have is for how long the $300 per month for CS will be in effect? what if he goes out in 6 months and gets a job paying $45k per year and you are struggling. what would happen then? can you ask for more? do you have to go back to joint legal custody, etc etc?

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Re: No the courts are not interested [Re: cincsu]
      #420147 - 06/26/08 04:23 PM

Cassie - btw...this was in my OP the other day, when I was looking for opinions, on WWYD, not whether or not I was questioning myself about what was "right"

<<I want to do what's right - all I want is for my son to be happy, and to do the best I can for him. I've prayed a lot about this, and I think I do know what I'm going to offer, and I'm looking for any advice or opinions regarding it. Of course, in the end, I will do what I feel is best for my son and for my situation, but any input is greatly appreciated.>>


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Spring
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Re: It's settled! [Re: JennyLynn]
      #420148 - 06/26/08 04:23 PM

Awesome JL...exactly what I was getting at :-)

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Re: No the courts are not interested [Re: JennyLynn]
      #420151 - 06/26/08 04:24 PM

sounds like a good deal to me if all the parents are happy....he got a huge reduction in CS which may now be able to allow him to not live with his mother. it doesn't sound like from what you've said he's really losing anything with your son since he never participated anyway. now you have it in writing you can do what you want. he may regret it one day, but as you said he didn't have to sign the papers. he could have agreed to go to jail or begun his new job months ago to pay something.

the only question i have is for how long the $300 per month for CS will be in effect? what if he goes out in 6 months and gets a job paying $45k per year and you are struggling. what would happen then? can you ask for more? do you have to go back to joint legal custody, etc etc?

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Re: No the courts are not interested [Re: cincsu]
      #420153 - 06/26/08 04:25 PM

Cincsu - it will be in effect for one year, or more, one year or until after taht when I modify. It states in our agreement it will be no less than one year.

No, we will not have to go back to joint legal for him to start paying the state ordered amount. Nor will the amount matter regarding if it was sole vs. joint, b/c his overnights even currently even close to the cut off where the support goes down .


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katiefedup
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Re: No the courts are not interested [Re: JennyLynn]
      #420154 - 06/26/08 04:25 PM

"all I want is for my son to be happy, and to do the best I can for him."

Did today accomplish that goal? I think you need to be a bit more honest with yourself. I would completely understand if you said , hey I want to be happy and this is how I might be able to do it. Instead, you mask it as making your child happy....ummmmm Unless your son is odd, I don't know many 3 year old boys that would be happy to see their father less.

Edited by katiefedup (06/26/08 04:53 PM)


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cincsu
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Re: No the courts are not interested [Re: JennyLynn]
      #420165 - 06/26/08 04:39 PM

i guess the point is if he couldn't pay now then he won't be able to pay then...even after 1 year. this is not going to be the end of this one.

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rschiller
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Re: No the courts are not interested [Re: JennyLynn]
      #420167 - 06/26/08 04:46 PM

Here where I am in TX child support and custody are not joined issues. You can not ever address one with the other. The court would not have listened to custody issues if this was filed as a non-payment issue. Wouldn't matter what NCP agreed to at that point, they wouldn't have allowed the issue to even be brought into the settlement here.

I've thought about this a bit.

I have joint custody with my X, but he too is just like your X JL. He doesn't use most of his parenting time, is late, hasn't been to a dental appointment, dr. appointment, teacher conference, hasn't made on decision nor has he helped with one thing when asked and informed of such matters. We've been divorced going on seven years now as you know.

Thing is........I could easily have asked for sole custody, but I didn't want to let him off the hook, you know? He already has every excuse under the sky as to why it's my fault he doesn't parent, that would just give him one more reason to parent even less.

He told me the first year we were officially divorced that if I wanted to have sole custody and leave the state with the kids, move back home to be closer to my family, he would "let" me, if I didn't make him pay support.

I had already made up my mind that I wasn't going to be to blame for him not having a relationship with his kids. I was not ever going to have him someday tell them it's your mom's fault because she took you away, or she wouldn't let me see you............

I understand why you did what you did and I support that, but didn't you just kind of give him reason to NOT be interested now?I mean if he wasn't parenting and didn't care, so what. I can see him telling that young man someday when he asks him why he wasn't involved with him, telling him, "Well, your mom took sole custody of you and I couldn't".

Your X is much, much, much like mine, an abusive a$$.

I'm glad you are confident though, I'm happy if you are at this point.


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Re: No the courts are not interested [Re: rschiller]
      #420171 - 06/26/08 04:52 PM

Thank you rschiller.

If I gave him a reason not to be interested, that's not my doing, KWIM? I parent who WANTS to be interested wouldn't allow something like this to stand in the way. Not to mention - this is the way it is anyway. I've tried making him interested in BOTH his children for over 4 years now. I can't force him to be an involved parent. I've definitely learned that the hard way.

Edited by JennyLynn (06/26/08 04:56 PM)


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katiefedup
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Re: No the courts are not interested [Re: JennyLynn]
      #420172 - 06/26/08 04:55 PM

JL, you gave him an option....give up your role as a parent or go to jail, I think you gave the 6 month time line.

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Re: No the courts are not interested [Re: katiefedup]
      #420175 - 06/26/08 05:13 PM

no, he gave himself several options...pay CS, ask for a modification of CS or go to jail for 6 months. that was his choice.

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Reilly
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Re: No the courts are not interested [Re: JennyLynn]
      #420177 - 06/26/08 05:17 PM

I absolutely would have done what Jenny did....but my circumstances are a bit different..

Absent father 11 years....

If I had the opportunity to trade off SOLE physical and legal custody (edited to add...in exchange for no child support paid to me.), in order to protect my boys...would I do it..? You betcha...

No offense to JennyLynn...but what I see JL moves as preventing is the future Mrs Dumbass who comes in and allow Ex Dumbass to convince her that he needs to take full custody....kinda like he did with her and his FIRST ex wife...

It won't prevent him from filing for custody at a future date....but it sure is good to have on paper that he was willing to trade off so that he didn't have to support his child like he should have...

I totally get WHY she did it...

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Edited by Reilly (06/26/08 05:19 PM)


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Melody
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I thought the order is merely [Re: katiefedup]
      #420178 - 06/26/08 05:18 PM

reflecting what is presently taking place, so how is the child seeing his father LESS?

But I do agree with you about the wording....the child's happiness had nothing to do with this, as it was merely a LABEL that was being changed and some alteration to the money


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cincsu
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Re: No the courts are not interested [Re: JennyLynn]
      #420179 - 06/26/08 05:18 PM

and i agree with JL on this one...as the wife of an NCP with a CP that just tries to constantly push him out of the child's life....someone that wants to be involved certainly wouldn't let this stand in the way. my DH has jumped through far more difficult hoops to stay involved in his son's life....

BM is to tell him of doctor's appointments, she doesn't, he gets the records. he takes him on his time, too, just to be sure everything is ok and SS gets his annual check ups...same with the dentist.

DH flies out to meet with the teacher and request report cards and updates in between - how SS is doing in schoo, where we can work with him outside of school.

he has traveled back and forth to CA for the last 4+ years to see SS, waited when BM didn't show up and took her to court for contempt....

had phone calls ordered into the CO when she wouldn't return phone calls...asked for a reduction in CS when he thought he was paying too much and got it.

took her to court to get SS's social security number so he could add him to his insurance as COd because BM wouldn't turn it over....and the list goes on and and on....

if a parent wants to be involved they will go to the moon and back to do it.

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Re: I thought the order is merely [Re: Melody]
      #420188 - 06/26/08 05:46 PM

"reflecting what is presently taking place, so how is the child seeing his father LESS?"

Because he was taking more than his EOW, not reg., but started to make the move. Now, JL knows he isn't going to pay 1/2 of the arrears by Dec., so in drawing up this agreement. She gets exactly what she wants...Full custody, EOW and most likely another judgement against him.


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Cassie23
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Re: No the courts are not interested [Re: Reilly]
      #420200 - 06/26/08 06:13 PM

I see your point Reilly. But in all reality what if her ex gets caught up on ALL arrears and starts paying CS on time. What if he starts seeing his son just as the CO allows, but now he wants more. Now he wants to be a joint decision maker and he wants to have EO holiday and 6 weeks in the summer. Can he go to court and get it if he pays JL MORE $$ to get it? Will it be that easy for him to offer it, have JL accept and a judge to sign off on that?

My guess? Nope...


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JennyLynn
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Re: No the courts are not interested [Re: Cassie23]
      #420213 - 06/26/08 06:41 PM

If he wanted that Cassie? He'd have it.

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Cassie23
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Re: No the courts are not interested [Re: JennyLynn]
      #420258 - 06/26/08 07:24 PM

Well then you can you be my SD's BM? PLEASE!!!!!!! :)

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JennyLynn
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Re: No the courts are not interested [Re: Cassie23]
      #420260 - 06/26/08 07:26 PM

LOL - wish I could!!

gosh today I was missing exDSD sooo much! BM sent me some recent pics and it about made me cry!


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Cassie23
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Re: No the courts are not interested [Re: JennyLynn]
      #420264 - 06/26/08 07:30 PM

I was actually just picturing the picture you once posted of all of you at church--- your ex, you, DS and your ex DSD... What gorgeous children. I can't imagine not seeing her knowing that you probably spent more time with her than your ex did. I would feel the same way with my SD- I think her and I have spent more time together over the years than DH and her have.

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JennyLynn
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Re: No the courts are not interested [Re: Cassie23]
      #420269 - 06/26/08 07:35 PM

Oh yes, I did everything for that girl when she was in our care :). I woke up with her, I put her to bed, I bathed her, read her books, took her shopping...everything I would have done with my own daughter. I had to beg XH to spend alone time with her...it was mostly me and the kids...and X doing whatever he wanted. It's been a year and a half since I've seen her, and I still cry about it and think about her every day. I'm lucky I at least keep in touch w/ her mom so I can see her grow through pictures and hear how she's doing. She starts 1st grade this fall..she was 2 1/2 the first time we met. She's growing up!

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Cassie23
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Re: No the courts are not interested [Re: JennyLynn]
      #420272 - 06/26/08 07:37 PM

SD was 2.5 when we met and she is 16.5 now- wow! I do hope that not having her Daddy in her life on a consistent basis doesn't effect her too much. I do hope her Mom does a great job with her too. I know BM loves my SD very much- but she has never disciplined her, she always bought her things to make up for the lack of stability and SD is not turning out so great....

Your sister still planing on getting married in the Fall?


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JennyLynn
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Re: No the courts are not interested [Re: Cassie23]
      #420274 - 06/26/08 07:38 PM

Yes...*gag*...I wish she'd wait longer...he already proposed, she already has the ring...

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