gr8Dad
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I know you folks have heard alot about my step kids, and there have been some ups and downs opinionwise on that subject. I found out something last night that has me VERY upset, and I did something rash, but what I thought was the best.
She is 9, gonna be 10 this month. She has always struggled with her weight, mostly, in my opinion, because her mother doesn't feed her a balanced diet. Also, she is not very active (lots of TV). When gr8Ex and I got together, she was overweight, but under supervision of snacks and a better diet, she had done SO well, lost a LOT of weight. She has a large body style, and I never mentioned it to her (THAT does more harm than good). Well, since we split, she has steadily gotten heavier and heavier. I chalked it up to nothing I could do but continue to love her.
So I see her a few days ago, and she is REALLY down. I asked if everything is okay and is there anything I can do, each question is answered with a depressing, "Yeah" or "No..." I mean she is down SO much that I contact the school counselor (she and my youngest are in summer school because of the TAKS test)and ask her to speak to her, see what is up.
I talk to a mutual friend last night, he mentions that gr8Ex is on some weightloss patch (Apparently the "surgery" she had wasn't enough, she is starting to pack the weight back on again. She should exercise or something, right? Nope, need a fix that requires no effort, so she buys a patch, but I digress). And I am told she is putting them on the NINE YEAR OLD as well.
OMG, I was PISSED. First, ALL of her girls started their periods about 9-10 years old, so this little one is PROBABLY about to start it. Second, it is an ADULT dosage, which CANNOT be good for a child, and it is OBVIOUSLY driving her emotional state into the ground.
I made a decision. I know that if I tell her, she will do nothing. The mutual friend told her it was wrong, she told him to mind his own business. I was left with no choice. I called her Mom. I explained that a LOT was going on over there that I disagreed with, but most of it was simply parenting choices and I would not criticize them to her. Then I explained this situation. The reaction to their granddaughter being doped up was depressingly low. Got a lot of, "Well, what are ya gonna do, you can't tell her anything..."
Okay, lay into me, was I wrong? I DO love those kids, despite their complete abandonement of me and my kids (with the exception of one of them, and even she is getting to be like her mother, all sweet and friendly when she needs something, NOTHING when she doesn't). I chalk it up to the lifestyle thay are being taught to lead (no responsibility, no adult supervision, pretty much do what you want, treat people like crap until you need them, and if they get mad, drop them altogether). But I THINK there is actually MEDICAL DANGER involved with this one, and I am concerned.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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Reilly
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Do you have a nurseline available thru your insurance that you can call and ask about the specifics of the patch...?
I don't think you're wrong for being concerned, but I don't think there is much you can do...I'm not sure even calling an agency like CPS will do any good...
Gather the information concerning the weight loss patch and you'll have to present it to Gr8ex...I'm not sure your involvement will prompt her to do anything though...
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Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?~Marilyn Monroe
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Redlegg
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No one likes a tattletale. I think you did a work around and its not going to work and its going to backfire in the long run. I would have done the same thing, but not before i discussed it directly with her. I would have gotten the probable mind my own business, then I would have talked to her mother. Its done, can't unring the bell, now what next. Well if this is issue of choice, if this is your hill, then it sounds like child abuse and should be reported as such. Think about your motives, they sound intact to me (the health of the child), so what option do you have but to kick it up a notch and report it. This sounds like a case of right idea, left out one step, but don't give up.
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BB1
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9 year olds should not be on diet pills or patches. That is teaching her unhealthy habits, which she will likely continue throughout her adulthood. Seems like gr8ex is practicing really lazy parenting. I dunno. I think something is going on. I mean, you wrote about the other kids with dating and piercings, now this. I wonder if they are not all depressed, including gr8ex, over your seperation and upcoming divorce. You need to talk to gr8ex about your concerns and try to drill down to the real issue, which I think is that they are all reeling from this change of lifestyle, loss of normalcy, and all of the other stuff that comes with divorce.
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It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear.
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gr8Dad
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...but first, I do not know if it rises to the level of "abuse", and second, I just can't bring myself to do that, as I am SURE she would blame it on me to the kids, and give them a justification for what she is doing.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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gr8Dad
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...talking directly to her, but if she won't listen to a FRIEND, she surely won't listen to ME. And, honestly, I can't talk to her. First, she is very manipulative, and I am afraid she would con me into something. Second, I am feeling way to betrayed at this point to hold a civil conversation with her. I am afraid it would degrade into something more akin to a fight, and that accomplishes nothing.
I have decided to simply leave it at what I have done. I feel that i have done at LEAST what is expected, and perhaps it will be a good exercise in, "Hey, it's not my problem anymore..." As hard as that is, its all I can do, and I need to accept that.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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gr8Dad
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...and did do ALL I could to save our marriage. But when you are going to a marriage counselor, and she LIES to him, then says she feels that is okay, because it got her what she wanted, you have to accept that the ship is going down, all you can do it get off and get into a nice safe lifeboat.
I beat myself up for quite a while right after the separation as to COULD I have done more. I got past that. I did all I could, she wanted out, I was hubby number three, and she was "done" with me, time for her to move on to the next victim.
I have been there for the kids, they know this, but I think she is forcing them to take sides, or raising them to be just like her. That is sad, but again, not my problem and really nothing I can do about it.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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Redlegg
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I don't think you're making a wrong choice, you're there on the ground. The only thing I would have done differently is talking to her.
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BB1
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Nothing like living with a liar, huh? BTDT, still there.
I guess you are just going to have to accept that you have no say at all in how she raises her kids...whether you like it or not. I promise you this, if you continue to go to her momma, she's going to make those kids cease any contact with you. You did what you felt is best out of concern for the little girl, don't blame you for that, but just offering my crystal ball theory...she's going to remove them from your life forever if you go to her mom.
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It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear.
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gr8Dad
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...adn I made sure I mentioned NOTHING else specific (just that there were some things happening that I disagreed with), and also told her Mom that I ONLY went to her out of concern for the child. I worry about her severing all contact, but I worry about her physically harming the baby as well (okay, I KNOW she is not a baby, but she is the baby of the family). I wouldn't go to her Mom with ANYTHING less serious.
Also, I do not know if you remember, but right after the split, her Mom called ME (and we DO keep in touch), and apologized for not telling me some things sooner, like the way she lies and how bad she is with money.
I don't know, I made the call, I just hope it was okay, and I PRAY that the kids are okay.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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BB1
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It will prob be fine. If gr8ex gets upset, I'm sure you can smooth her ruffled feathers so you can still see skids.
I didn't recall her mom calling you. Unfortunately your posts generally lead to heated battles, 15 pages, 233 replies. I can't keep up with that. LOL.
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It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear.
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gr8Dad
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...feathers, I am sure she will NEED something, which will cause her to revert to "nice" mode, LOL.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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PrincessJ
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That's freakin' ridiculous. This? is the kind of stuff that led my little sis to bulimia. I was partially to blame by teasing her as a child for her little baby fat rolls.
She was making herself throw up by age 11. I hold a LOT of guilt for teasing her...
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I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
--Jack Handey
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Cassie23
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I would have talked to her personally and when she tells you to mind your own business I would throw the threat of letting the school nurse know (but since we aren't in school), CPS know. Maybe the threat of it would be enough to have her smarten up??
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1966Gal
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I don't think you are wrong to voice your concern. But I DO remember that you said I was wrong to make a similar call to my ex over concern about something he was doing to my kids.
Do you recall that?
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The Gov cannot give anything to anyone - that they have not first taken away from someone else.
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gr8Dad
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...but if you do, and would like to refresh my memory, I would be glad to address it.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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MTmom
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where is sd's father?
Why can't you tell him and have him push the issue?
X won't listen to you.. but doesn't the father have some medical say-so?
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1966Gal
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You really don't recall? My ex was parenting in a way that was hurting my daughters. I made a call to him to give him a heads up. You jumped all OVER my a@@, telling me to MYOB...and I had no business calling him over concern for my kids.
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The Gov cannot give anything to anyone - that they have not first taken away from someone else.
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Cassie23
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Ah was that the birthday party thing with new SM???
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youngatheart
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Personally, I would take it further and call CPS. That's just insanity.
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1966Gal
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No, Gr8dad even said recently that I was reponsible for my ex's divorce due to my "meddling." Don't see how that's possible when I only met/spoke with her twice and that went very cordially.
I *did* call my ex to tell him that he he really hurt the girls feelings and it was affecting their relationship with him when he moved his girlfriend and her mother into his house without telling them. They showed up for their EOW visitation and she had moved in. He agreed and apologized to them and promised it wouldn't happen again.
I also had a phone call conversation with him about how hurt the girls when he married her (on my D's birthday) and didn't tell them until 3 weeks after.
My girls were being hurt and discounted by their father...being told that it was "none of their business" that he got married. It hurt them enough that I felt it warranted a conversation with him. The conversatsions were really just "Hey, just giving you a heads up that you attitude is REALLY hurting the girls feelings and they would never tell you because they don't want to hurt your feelings."
Just like Grdad, we both felt that actions of the other parent were hurting our kids enough to warrant a concerned phone call.
Gr8dad jumped ALL OVER ME for making that phone call. Telling me I had no business.
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The Gov cannot give anything to anyone - that they have not first taken away from someone else.
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spinnerdegrassi
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There's a big difference between hurt feelings and giving a child a potentially harmful dose of medication that can affect her system.
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1004SRS
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Unfortunately, you can't control what happens to your X-stepdaughters. You just can't. I have been told repeatedly on this board that I can't control what my X does with our children on his time.
I was mad because he took our DS3 almost 4 to the drag races. They are a huge drunkfest in my town. I was told that it didn't matter. MYOB.
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1966Gal
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There's a big difference between hurt feelings and giving a child a potentially harmful dose of medication that can affect her system.
++++++++++++
But there is NO different in parents who are very concerned for their kids and harm being done to them, no matter if it's physical or mental.
There is a point when you feel your kids are being harmed "enough" to warrant a phone call to the ex.
A weightloss patch for a very overweight child may or may not be harmful. But he was concerned enough to feel compelled to say something. When I was concerned enough that I felt complelled to say something, he jumped all over me.
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The Gov cannot give anything to anyone - that they have not first taken away from someone else.
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Redlegg
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You are correct, concern is concern, but there is a huge difference between hurting a child's feelings and medicating them on your own. Neither is right, but one can cause serious physical damage or even worse. The principle is the same, but they are definitely different. One may actually be breaking the law, if its not OTC.
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sunnyday
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Reged: 05/16/07
Posts: 150
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Dont know if this would help but do you have a friend that is a dr. or a nurse that could possibly check for you if the dose, age and weight of what the medication recommends to see if it will actually "physically" harm her?
Another thought was the other day I had to call poison control because my 13 year special needs son brushed his teeth with a dab of diaper ointment I had left on the counter after babysitting my nephew. Poison control checked the zinc level of it and said he was fine and laughed that she had heard much worse. But it made me feel a lot better. Only thing was they took my name and number so it isnt annonomous.
Also is this a perscription patch? Because sharing a persciption meant for one specific person seems to be a lot more serious than sharing something like an over the counter medication.
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gr8Dad
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"I *did* call my ex to tell him that he he really hurt the girls feelings and it was affecting their relationship with him when he moved his girlfriend and her mother into his house without telling them. They showed up for their EOW visitation and she had moved in."
Sure, cause THEy make the house payments and the bills, right? You wonder why I say you are raising your children to be spoiled and feel entitled. Since when does a parent have to clear a decision through the kids, divorced or not?
"I also had a phone call conversation with him about how hurt the girls when he married her (on my D's birthday) and didn't tell them until 3 weeks after."
I remember this as wel, and if I recall, there was a BIG wedding ceremony scheduled in the future, with the kids involved. They went to a JP and got hitched for insurance purposes. And i was not the ONLY one who thought it was no big deal.
"Just like Grdad, we both felt that actions of the other parent were hurting our kids enough to warrant a concerned phone call"
First of all, you are able to TALK to your ex. Second, it was the kids FEELINGS, which were only hurt because YOU wound them up about the marriage thing, and YOU have raised them to think THEIR feeling about something are the ONLY think that counts.
Oh yeah, and thehurt feelings are unlikely to cause the children ACTUAL PHYSICAL HARM, like medicating a child with an ADULT dose of a weightloss drug.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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1966Gal
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Oh yeah, and thehurt feelings are unlikely to cause the children ACTUAL PHYSICAL HARM, like medicating a child with an ADULT dose of a weightloss drug.
++++++++
Concern is concern, Gr8dad. Seeing something bad, mentally or physically, being done for your kids still causes concern. Only YOUR concern is worthy of a phone call, but other people's concern for their kid's well-being isn't? My kids were being "wronged", just as you felt your D was being "wronged" when she got her cell taken at school.
Telling kids they don't matter in your life, that their feelings don't matter to you, that what happens in their own home is none of their business, can do a great bit of mental harm to a child. It can affect their self-esteem and relationship with the parent doing that to them. It WAS AS worthy of a phone call as yours was. Especially because they are MY kids.
You had every right to be concerned and make the phone call you made. So did I.
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The Gov cannot give anything to anyone - that they have not first taken away from someone else.
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MTmom
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1966 this is dumb.
going tit for tat is just dumb.
i hope you both stop.
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1966Gal
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going tit for tat is just dumb.
i hope you both stop.
++++++
Doubtful that will happen. Gr8dad loves to call me a hypocrite and biased no matter what I say or do. Merely pointing out that he is no different...in fact, usually more so than what he accuses others.
His "reasons" are ALWAYS "valid", everyone else is biased and a hypocrite.
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The Gov cannot give anything to anyone - that they have not first taken away from someone else.
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Becky
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Reged: 06/01/04
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Loc: New Hampshire
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LMAO.
You could have just ended it, gal. Just left it alone at MTmom's comment. But, you have to make a dig and now you 'know' that he will come back and say something.
You were the one that started this bs with your 'didnt you say this and this to me tho' crap.
He asked for an opinion on his situation. There is no need to drag up your crap to add to this. If you dont agree with him, then dont agree. Dont start a pissing match.
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My choice is what I choose to do and if Im causing no harm it shouldnt bother you.
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1966Gal
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He asked for an opinion on his situation. There is no need to drag up your crap to add to this. If you dont agree with him, then dont agree. Dont start a pissing match.
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Why not? He does it to me ALL THE FREAKIN' TIME. It's time he got a little of what he loves to dish out!
Every single post I start, he has something ugly to say. Yet, you are don't say anything to him when he does it.
He belittles others and calls them names if they call their ex over matters he deems "unworthy." Yet, ALL of his "matters" are "worthy???"
I think the dichotomy needed to be pointed out as he so READILY does when he sees one.
In fact, Becky, he did it just last week when he accused me of driving my ex's new wife away. Where were last week when he was doing that??
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The Gov cannot give anything to anyone - that they have not first taken away from someone else.
Edited by 1966Gal (07/01/08 11:48 AM)
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MTmom
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JUST PUT HIM ON IGNORE.
You 2 obviously dislike each others opinions on everything. So "ignore".
This is just dumb.
2 wrongs don't make a right and you're being childish.
Let this stop here.
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Becky
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I dont see him justifying what he did.
I see that a lot in your posts, just looking for someone to back up what you say.
He asked for others opinions, and usually he takes what other people have to say and ACTUALLY uses it. He doesnt say...well this is how we do things here...blah blah blah.
And calling your ex to tell him what he can and cant do in his home, well that is a myob type of thing. I mean kids shouldnt have ANY say in who their parents are marrying.
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My choice is what I choose to do and if Im causing no harm it shouldnt bother you.
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ssmom79
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Really Gr8dad...what CAN you do? You aren't her stepdad any longer, and I'm really concerned that you getting involved may do more harm than good with gr8ex on this one.
I would also be concerned. I would try to find out as much information as you can about this patch. Like what kind, what's the dosage, did she get her own medicine or is she taking someone else's, is this a prescription or an OTC patch?
Do you know she's using the patch for sure because you mentioned someone told you she was using it?
Do you think you could talk to your SD about it personally once you find out a little more on the patch? Or maybe a sister, aunt, grandma? I don't recommend the XMIL, but maybe you have someone who is close with the kids who might be able to talk to her?
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1966Gal
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And calling your ex to tell him what he can and cant do in his home, well that is a myob type of thing. I mean kids shouldnt have ANY say in who their parents are marrying.
+++++++++
??? I didn't call him to tell him what he can and can't do in his home. I called him to tell him that he had really hurt his kid's feelings...something I know he would want to know.
Yes, kids SHOULD be informed if their parents is getting married and their parent is going to move someone into the kid's home. That's common courtesy, if nothing else.
If you were a child and your parent was moving someone into your home or your parent was going to marry someone, wouldn't you want to know before the fact? How a parent can make a huge life decision like that and not even bother to tell their kids beforehand is sad.
It really hurt my kids and caused them to look at their dad differently, since he usually showed them much more consideration than that.
I'm not saying he needed their permission, but to at least give them the dignity of a head's up would have at least showed them they matter.
By not saying ANYTHING to them was really saying, "I don't care what you think. You don't matter."
Edited by 1966Gal (07/01/08 12:01 PM)
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gr8Dad
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...with what you did.
"It really hurt my kids and caused them to look at their dad differently, since he usually showed them much more consideration than that."
Instead of saying to them, "I am SURE he didn't mean to hurt you, why not give him the benefit of the doubt..." You ENCOURAGED their anger.
But if it will SHUT you up, you are RIGHT, the situations are the same, I am a HYPOCRITE for even THINKING any different.
Now, can we END this?
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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1966Gal
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No, we can't, because you are still lying and inserting your own version of the truth.
How do you know what I said to my kids? Of course I told them he didn't mean to hurt their feelings. I NEVER encouraged their anger.
They didn't even know I made the phone call!
Geezus, Gr8dad, you insert your own "facts" and then present them as the truth. It's ridiculous.
It's like me saying, "well, you told you SD she was fat, so she went to her mom and asked for the patch and now you are mad at her for giving her the patch, when you were the one who told her she was fat in the first place!"
Is there any OUNCE of truth in what I just said? No. And there's not an OUNCE of truth in what you just said either. So please STOP "creating" your own facts and then bashing me for them, when they aren't true in the first place!
YOu did it last week too, when you said I was responsible for my ex's wife leaving him!!! grrrr
I'm about as responsible for my ex's wife leaving him as your are for your ex giving your SD a patch!!!!
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The Gov cannot give anything to anyone - that they have not first taken away from someone else.
Edited by 1966Gal (07/01/08 12:10 PM)
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gr8Dad
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...to criticize ANYONE for insert crap that isn't there, you do that DAILY.
I VAGUELY remember the thread. But I am SORRY if you were offended. I take back whatever I said, so can this end?
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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RJ1
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You called the counselor and the MIL but you didn't think to call the Mom? Weird. All you can do is tell her Mom what you think and leave it alone. They are not your children. Your posts are sounding quite melodramatic as well. I mean the girl could be bummed about summer school, or she could be ill from hormones...how do you know it's so "obvious" she's down from the patch? Too many assumptions and it's really not your business any way.
RJ
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preemiemom
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Just replying in general.
If Gr8Dad has a good relationship with the Gr8Grandma... Gr8. If not.. might be viewed as interfering, or none of his business.
I can sympathize with him. Former stepdaughter has a mole on her arm that is highly suspicious looking, she HAS a family history of skin cancer (her mother is having her 3rd melanoma in a year removed this month), and frankly? It's extremely unsightly. It's about 2 inches long, has long black hairs that grow out of it, is highly irregularly shaped, is pitch black.. all the earmarks of "questionable" moles.. and it's right on her forearm. It's impossible to miss. If I were her mother, or her father, it would have been GONE. Period.
I've said what I can say to her father. Would I say something to her mom? No, I don't have that kind of relationship with her.
Not sure what the "right" thing to do in this situation is. He is still involved it seems, he does have connections to Gr8Mom's family. Heck, why not use 'em? At least he can say he did what he felt was the right thing.
THAT said.. I wouldn't push it beyond that. You said your peace, you've appeased your sense of right.. I wouldn't take it any further than that. If no one else chooses to listen, that's not your problem.
Of course, you can offer yourself to be an open door for your stb former stepdaughter to talk to, to discuss things with, etc. etc...
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Miranda
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Quick reply-
I would be concerned with any child being given an adult dose of weight loss medication regardless of relationship.
Susan's situation is nothing similar and is more about controling what her ex does in his own home...poor fella!
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13.1...because I am only half crazy!
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Redlegg
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I hate to do this, but here goes, if the girls relationship was hurt so much, they must have had a good one with their Dad, and suddenly they could not talk to him, had to go through you, hmmmm. Sounds like they felt they could not talk to him from the beginning. Maybe you should have just told them to talk to him and not gotten involved, after all he was so considerate of them in the past.
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1966Gal
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I hate to do this, but here goes, if the girls relationship was hurt so much, they must have had a good one with their Dad, and suddenly they could not talk to him, had to go through you, hmmmm. Sounds like they felt they could not talk to him from the beginning. Maybe you should have just told them to talk to him and not gotten involved, after all he was so considerate of them in the past.
+++++++++
I did tell them that and that's what they eventually did. However, I contacted him beforehand to let them know how they were feeling so he could be prepared and "open" for the conversation.
Give me some credit, I was married to him for 14 years. I know how to talk to him. I have a very good relationship with him and my call only helped his relationship with his daughters. Geez, I'm doing to opposite of PAS and still getting sh*t on for it. LOL What a great opportunity to sever their relatioship for good....Just tell the girls "your dad is an uncaring a@@ who doesn't give a crap about you and you should never talk to him again!"
Nope, instead, I said "I bet your dad doesn't know he hurt your feelings and that you are feeling this way. You need to talk to him." Then I quietly called him and said "this is how the girls are feeling about what's going on. I told them to talk to you about it, but they are afraid of hurting your feelings."
But it's me, Susan, so even if I try to make sure a father and his kids having a good relationship, I'm wrong. LOL
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The Gov cannot give anything to anyone - that they have not first taken away from someone else.
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 Rebecca5
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Well....hmmm....
It depends. I completely agree that your ex is a lazy POS, and the psychological damage she's inflicting on your SD is just horrid. Sadly, we're still waiting on the licenses for parenting.
As for the patch...
Without knowing what kind of patch she's using, it's tough to say. Most of them are the Hoodia kind, and if that's the case, I wouldn't worry so much....they're not even worth the plastic they're printed on.
More likely, her depression stems from the familial changes, impending puberty, personal esteem issues and the fact that her mother's a b!tch.
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Cassie23
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Susan everyone's situation with their ex is different. If I were to divorce I would want to be able to talk to my ex like you do yours. I'd want him to do the same if the kids came to him and expressed some form of hurt about something I have done. Actually DH and I do that NOW. Example: DS asked to speak to me the other day after I got off the phone with his Dad (DH has moved to where his new job is, we will be moving in a month), DS was feeling upset about something his Dad said. I spoke to DS about it, tried to understand it and then I told DS let's talk about it more when Dad comes home this weekend, so we could all be there in person. I called DH right away to let him know how DS was feeling--- it helped--- the next day DS and DH spent a half hour on the phone talking about DS's feelings on the situation. This gave DH the head's up that DS was going to be 'reaching out'....
Anyway- different people, different situations... DH has nicely spoken to BM about issues with SD and BM freaks out- she starts with, "I have done everything for SD. I have given my life up for her. I know what is best for her, you don't!" That kind of crap gets you no where fast.
So-- the tactics that you use or gr8 uses may be appropriate for your GIVEN situations, surely the same way of going about something isn't always going to work given that there are different people in each scenario.
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Cassie23
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Also wanted to say if that's the way Susan and her ex have always handled things with the kids, then it's great that they can continue to keep that same parenting style in though they are divorced. Especially because her ex didn't seem to get PO'ed with the scenario, he was okay with it.
To me it seems like a great way as long as it works well for BOTH sides (her and her ex).
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1966Gal
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Sure, cause THEy make the house payments and the bills, right? You wonder why I say you are raising your children to be spoiled and feel entitled. Since when does a parent have to clear a decision through the kids, divorced or not?
++++++++++++
Gr8dad wrote that above. I'd like to close my thoughts by saying how pitiful the above statement truly is.
You bet your sweet a@@ I'm raising my girls to believe that their thoughts and opinions MATTER. That they, and everything about them, MATTER.
I'm raising them to THINK and to REASON; and the only way I can do that is to teach them by open discussion. I ask them their opinions on EVERYTHING. I fully discuss all of my choices/decisions with them. What they have to say MATTERS to me.
When I decided to downsize into my townhome, I asked them how they felt about it and why. D16 didn't care. D13 didn't want to move. Ultimately, she didn't get her way, but I heard her out and made sure she understood my reasoning for making the decision to move. She knows she doesn't control our house, but she still MATTERS.
Does this make them spoiled? NO! Does it make them "entitled?" NO! But it does teach them to think and speak and it gives me insight into them and how the "work."
I am a good, STRONG mother fully in control of her household. I could PAS my kids against their father in less than 12 hours if I wanted to. But why? Fathers are supposed to be the man their kids love, respect and honor above all other men in the world. What "good" would it do to raise them to carry about hate and discontent for the one man they should love above all others? How would that "help" them in life...carrying around that kind of hate and hurt?
So, you want to say I'm bad for noticing they were losing respect for the father and then taking steps to correct that "disconnection" that was beginning to occur between them? Sorry, but you'll never convince me I was wrong for helping to fix something that was beginning to fracture.
And I'm not wrong for teaching my kids to speak up and believe that they MATTER. If you tried it, Gr8dad, maybe your kids wouldn't have such self-esteem problems and feel like they need to create false accusations for attention. Treat them like everything about them MATTERS and what they have to say MATTERS and you CARE about how your decisions affect them. Try it! I GUARANTEE you it won't create spoiled, entitled children. It will create kids who feel good about themselves, confident and don't need to lie to get their parent's attention.
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The Gov cannot give anything to anyone - that they have not first taken away from someone else.
Edited by 1966Gal (07/01/08 02:11 PM)
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1966Gal
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Sure, cause THEy make the house payments and the bills, right? You wonder why I say you are raising your children to be spoiled and feel entitled. Since when does a parent have to clear a decision through the kids, divorced or not?
++++++++++++
So, Gr8dad...since you are such a GREAT DAD, what do you think is a better converstaion to have with your kids?
"It's none of your business if I'm married or not...you don't control this house!"
Or
"So how do you feel about me marrying R? Do you like him? Why do you like him? But what if, after I marry him, you decide you don't like him? What will we do then? How do you feel about SD? Do you like her? What do you think our lives will be like after we get married? Do you think things will change? How might they change? blah, blah, blah..."
Which set of questions do you think will make your kids feel valued? Which set of questions do you think will make your kids feel like they matter to you? Which set of questions do you think will give you insight into you child's mind and heart?
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The Gov cannot give anything to anyone - that they have not first taken away from someone else.
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Redlegg
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I never said you were wrong, if you got that impression, it was a mistake on my part. But did you not wonder why they did not talk to their Dad, especially after you have taught them that their opinion matters and fostered a wonderful relationship between them and their father. Their feelings about the situation are one thing, why the situation is there would seem to be a concern as well. I find it hard to believe that these strong voiced, independent women you are raising lost their voice with their father, and maybe that is some food for thought, but I did not want you to get the impression I thought you were wrong. I am not sure the 14 years and knowing how to talk to him are valid anymore. You have been divorced awhile, and i am sure you have grown, as has he and people change. I know my ex tells me the same thing, "Iknow you", she may have when we were married, but she thinks I am still that same jerk now :) :) :) :)
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1966Gal
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Because I'm still teaching them to be strong, independent women. They won't fully "get there" until much later.
They need to learn to deal with their dad...and he had never disappointed them before...so they really didn't know how to approach it/him. And, as I said, they didn't want to hurt his feelings. He was excited about his new relationship and they didn't want to put a damper on it by telling him how his actions were hurting them.
To know his actions were beginning to fracture their respect for him was not something I was going to let fester. I don't want my kids having that burden on their shoulders.
And you know what...my ex is a good man. He's a good father. He's not malicious at all. I knew with all my heart, if he hurt them, it was unintentional on his part...and he needed a "heads up."
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The Gov cannot give anything to anyone - that they have not first taken away from someone else.
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Miranda
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And you know what...my ex is a good man. He's a good father. He's not malicious at all. I knew with all my heart, if he hurt them, it was unintentional on his part...and he needed a "heads up."
****************
Really? Cuz I could sworn there was a post about him being passed out drunk in a hotel room in Florida while he was on vacation with "the girls". Or is that a different ex?
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13.1...because I am only half crazy!
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gr8Dad
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What you fail to mention, to those hat do not know, was that when they got married on your daughters birthday, the daughters were out of town with YOU. Second, they KNEW he was getting married, as there was a larger ceremony planned later in the year and your girls were INVOLVED in it. The ONLY reason they got hitched (which, if i recall correctly, he TOLD them) was for INSURANCE purposes.
So it was not like this woman was Dadies girlfriend, and all of a sudden she was his wife. The girls KNEW they were getting married.
As for your continued barbs, I wanted nothing but to end this, but you had to get your digs in. So, let me try again. YOUR RIGHT. Can we end this now?
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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gr8Dad
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...she needed him to look bad so she wouldn't.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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1966Gal
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Really? Cuz I could sworn there was a post about him being passed out drunk in a hotel room in Florida while he was on vacation with "the girls". Or is that a different ex?
++++++
Absolutley...forgot about that. Taht was another time he let them down, but that was many years ago. I didn't say he was perfect. But he's a good father and a good man.
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The Gov cannot give anything to anyone - that they have not first taken away from someone else.
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1966Gal
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What you fail to mention, to those hat do not know, was that when they got married on your daughters birthday, the daughters were out of town with YOU. Second, they KNEW he was getting married, as there was a larger ceremony planned later in the year and your girls were INVOLVED in it. The ONLY reason they got hitched (which, if i recall correctly, he TOLD them) was for INSURANCE purposes.
++++++++
LOL There you go AGAIN, making up stories!!! No, they DIDN'T know. They weren't told until 3 weeks AFTER they got married. THEN, it was explained to them that a larger ceremony would be next summer. He later told me, when I called him about it, that it was for insurance purposes.
So, yes, it was EXACTLY like she was daddy's girlfriend and then all of the sudden his wife.
Geez, can you get anything straight? Why are you SO intent on lieing about everything and then telling me I'm wrong based on your lies?
Nothing you just posted was the truth.
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The Gov cannot give anything to anyone - that they have not first taken away from someone else.
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Miranda
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Who cares you all need to quit. Susan you started it...this time.
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13.1...because I am only half crazy!
Edited by Miranda (07/01/08 04:40 PM)
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1966Gal
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How come you never tell Gr8dad to quit, Miranda.
Until Gr8dad learns to tell the truth and stop making up lies about me, as he just did above, I will not quit.
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The Gov cannot give anything to anyone - that they have not first taken away from someone else.
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1966Gal
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So it was not like this woman was Dadies girlfriend, and all of a sudden she was his wife. The girls KNEW they were getting married.
+++++++
So, Gr8dad, since everything about this statement is a total and utter lie, since you said "it's not like she was daddy's gf and then all of the sudden his wife",...when, in reality, it was EXACTLY like that, what do you have to say?
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The Gov cannot give anything to anyone - that they have not first taken away from someone else.
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matart1
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of course you will never quit.
you were never taught to grow the fvck up - reading your words is like watching an episode of Little House on the Prairie with that creature Nellie Olsen.
maybe for once you should practice what you preach.
there is never a day that goes by where you do not twist someone's post or words to suit your fvcked up reality.
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Life is a long lesson in humility.
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1966Gal
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I'll shut up when Gr8dad stops telling lies. Not until. I don't tell lies about his situation. He keeps saying he wants to quit, while still telling lies in the same thread.
He needs to stop the lies and admit he has his facts wrong.
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The Gov cannot give anything to anyone - that they have not first taken away from someone else.
Edited by 1966Gal (07/01/08 04:52 PM)
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katiefedup
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general reply
Gr8dad...they are not your kids or even your step kids anymore. If my husband and I got divorced I would be horrified if he went gossiping why or "if" my daughter was on weight loss stuff. It really is none of your concern. It is time you totally disengage with the ex and her children. Sure, say Hi and what not, but please stop talking to friends and the ex MIL about things that are totally out of your control. If this keeps up she will file for a RO
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spinnerdegrassi
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Maybe one day...when Gr8dad's son's grow up...and Susan's daughter's grow up...a chance meeting will occur, and love will be in the air...and voila...a merging of two families in wedded bliss. Now that would be a fun rehearsal dinner.
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youngatheart
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BWAHAHAHA...I just spit my gum across my desk laughing at the thought of THAT wedding. I think I would have to meet Gecko and her goat for front-row seating at THAT wedding! hehehehehehe
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gr8Dad
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...today about it. I took what was said to heart, and we had a heart to heart. I explained my concern, she assured me it was all natural OTC, and that she had spoken to the doctor about it after giving the girl a physical. She, of course, is LYING, cause the EOB's from the insurance still come to my house, but I will sleep the sleep of the righteous tonight, as I have made her aware of my concerns, and am moving forward.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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gr8Dad
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...spinner, you BASTARD! LMAO!
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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Miranda
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Posts: 20822
Loc: North of Mexico
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LMAO @ Nellie Olson. PERFECT comparison, LOL!!
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13.1...because I am only half crazy!
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Debi
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Call Social Service gr8dad. What she is doing is abuse, both physical and mental. I didn't read any of the other responses so I have no idea what others think but as far as I'm concerned an xSF has the right to continue to care.
My 10yo is chunky and it bothers her because her sisters (older) are super thin. she will be too when she hits her growth spurt but I know it bothers her. I would never EVER allow ,much less push some kind of drug on her. Can I punch xgr8mom in the freaking face?!
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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Runswithscissors
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I have thought about this for a little while.
I feel badly for you and your step daughter... but I have two major issues. 1) stop meddling in her business or take the RIGHT actions to protect the child such as calling CPS... if you are that concerned... MAKE THE CALL. 2) This woman hasn't just "changed"..... remember the whole convo on how people change and you were adament that they don't.... we just don't "see" it.... same for you...this person you married was not the person you thought she was.... that's okay.... it HAPPENS... I just hope that you will be more sympathetic towards others when stuff like this happens.....
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katiefedup
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"Call Social Service gr8dad. What she is doing is abuse, both physical and mental.
Why???? WTF? She claims they are OTC ones...herbal patches. Gr8dad calls BS because he still gets the insurance papers, which means a MD perscribed THEM. If she is obese then whats the harm if her health is already in danger. If a 10 year old is 20lbs or more over weight they are defined as obese.
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Rebecca5
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[quote]"Call Social Service gr8dad. What she is doing is abuse, both physical and mental.
Why???? WTF? She claims they are OTC ones...herbal patches. Gr8dad calls BS because he still gets the insurance papers, which means a MD perscribed THEM. If she is obese then whats the harm if her health is already in danger. If a 10 year old is 20lbs or more over weight they are defined as obese. [/quote]
That doesn't make any sense. His issue, from what I understand, is that gr8mom CLAIMS to have a doctor's approval (AFTER an exam) for an herbal remedy, but gr8dad knows that she's FOS....because he gets the EOB's, and the daughter hasn't been to the doctor recently.
I agree that calling CPS is a waste of time. Mostly, though, because the "weight loss patches" are stupid. When tested for the "herb" the claim to contain, almost none/none has been found. There has been no proof that they do ANYTHING to aid in weight loss. If they WERE effective, it would be as an appetite suppressant, and the effects of it likely haven't been approved for children. The only real concern is that no one knows for sure WHAT they do, if anything. But anyone would be fighting an uphill battle...calling CPS for an OTC product.
As for the "what's the harm if her health is already in danger...." that kind of a crock o' crap. That's kind of like saying, "Okay....well....you're already an alcoholic, let's see if cocaine cures it." It's stupid, not approved by a physician, and replaces one unhealthy habit with another.
If mom REALLY wants to help her daughter have a healthy body, AND a healthy body IMAGE....MOM will get some psychological help for her OWN body image issues, and then help her daughter by encouraging a healthy diet and appropriate exercise. Right now, she's doing a great job creating a child who will be overweight, or struggle with weight, for the rest of her life.
ETA: Obesity isn't defined by pounds. It's defined by BMI.
Edited by Rebecca5 (07/01/08 09:13 PM)
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katiefedup
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again, if a 9 year old is 20lbs plus over their ideal body weight they are obese. Unless she is 9 feet tall, then there are other issues. If they obese (just saying) and under a Dr.'s care, who is Gr8dad to question friends or the ex MIL about this? Actually, what business is it of gr8dad's what his ex wife's kids problem are? He asked and he got an answer...now, back off
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Rebecca5
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Again....she is NOT under a doctor's care.
ETA: "Their ideal body weight" is different than what you first said.
Edited by Rebecca5 (07/01/08 09:47 PM)
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katiefedup
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20 plus lbs over weight for a 9 year old is obese. That is what I stated, and I stand by it.
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Rebecca5
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[quote]20 plus lbs over weight for a 9 year old is obese. That is what I stated, and I stand by it. [/quote]
20 pounds over their ideal body weight would be the accurate version. "20 pounds overweight" is an innocuous statement that many people would interpret incorrectly.
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katiefedup
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Rebecca argue away....20lbs over weight is over weight and obese for a 9 year old girl. Show one average 9 year old girl that is 20lbs over weight that isn't technically OBESE...this is just silly, fvck will you always argue with me?
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gr8Dad
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...if a doctor saw a child that was overweight, they would FIRST talk about exercise, cutting back on fatty foods, etc. There is no way a doctor would go, "Yep, kid is fat, stick a patch on them." The question is moot, see above thread.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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katiefedup
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I agree, but if she did see a doctor, you wouldn't know "maybe". How over weight is she....I keep throwing around 20lbs, but I have no idea....I lied
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Rebecca5
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[quote]Rebecca argue away....20lbs over weight is over weight and obese for a 9 year old girl. Show one average 9 year old girl that is 20lbs over weight that isn't technically OBESE...this is just silly, fvck will you always argue with me? [/quote]
When was the last time I argued with you, katie?
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gr8Dad
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...still get the EOB's from the doctor. The only way she would have taken to a doctor WITHOUT me knowing would be if she went to a DIFFERENT doctor, and paid full price, not using the insurance.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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Rebecca5
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[quote]...still get the EOB's from the doctor. The only way she would have taken to a doctor WITHOUT me knowing would be if she went to a DIFFERENT doctor, and paid full price, not using the insurance. [/quote]
I really did try to explain that...a few times.
It makes me sad for anyone to label a child as "fat" or "obese" at that age without trying to actually help them solve the problem. I mean...the BMI scale for children changes MONTHLY for children, depending on their age and gender. They develop so many esteem issues when treated like your SD...and...well....grow up to turn into your STBX.
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katiefedup
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Wait...Gr8dad said she has always had a weight issue and recently started putting on more weight. I never called "her" obese, nor did anyone. Fvcking stop putting words in my mouth.
ETA: I am a little cranky tonight. I have court with the deadbeat tomorrow and about 15 people waiting for my return so we can finally leave on our camping trip.
Edited by katiefedup (07/01/08 10:40 PM)
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Rebecca5
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[quote]Wait...Gr8dad said she has always had a weight issue and recently started putting on more weight. I never called "her" obese, nor did anyone. Fvcking stop putting words in my mouth.
ETA: I am a little cranky tonight. I have court with the deadbeat tomorrow and about 15 people waiting for my return so we can finally leave on our camping trip. [/quote]
For crying out loud, katie...did I say that YOU said that? I was actually thinking about her MOTHER. You know..the one who slapped a pretend weight loss sticker on her kid.
Have a drink or some sex or something. I'm really NOT cranky, until people start cursing at me for no apparent reason.
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katiefedup
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"Have a drink or some sex or something"
Ok, read my OT post. Drink? Now I am officaly sick again.
S ex? My husband will be upset if I did that tonight...LOL
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Debi
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Why???? WTF? She claims they are OTC ones...herbal patches. Gr8dad calls BS because he still gets the insurance papers, which means a MD perscribed THEM. If she is obese then whats the harm if her health is already in danger. If a 10 year old is 20lbs or more over weight they are defined as obese.
It sounds to me as if the MD prescribed them for her MOTHER. Not the child. It IS abuse. You don't tell your 9yo they are fat you try to help them if that's the case. You cut back on snacks, you change their diet without calling it a "diet". Making her feel as if she is "less than" by drugging her is the mental buse. Drugging her is the physical abuse.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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