Margaret80
recently joined
Reged: 07/02/08
Posts: 8
Loc: Texas
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I just finished reading pointers on do's and don't before one files for divorce. One of the do nots said: Avoid spending large amounts of money on or with your new partner. For example, don’t charge meals at expensive restaurants, purchase for extravagant gifts, take expensive trips or vacations with your new partner.
My husband has a long distance girlfriend who lives in England. My husband is unaware that I monitor his emails and instant messaging.
He met this woman on a business trip in Nov 07. For almost six months, they have been chatting. In May 08, he used the death of his father to fly from Texas to England to see her rather than attend the funneral in New York.
Now he has taken leave from work (June 28th, 2008) saying that he needed to spend two weeks in New York working on his father's house to put it up for sale.
But, he and his girlfriend are having a wonderful time sightseeing, fishing on a charter, staying at very, very nice hotels and then flying to Vegas for a week on July 6. (I have copies of his reservations that he made online. And pictures of her that he took on the fishing trip, downloaded and sent to her email address. And, an email from a stranger that said "It was so nice meeting you and Margaret. We must stay in touch."
I am very sad, even though I do not love him anymore. I have endured 8 years of verbal abuse when he gets angry. He has never hit me. And he just started leaving me at home this past year when he attends seminars and trainings. I have been considering filing for divorce since November 07, but kept thinking that the emailing between the two would get old. I don't think that she knows that he is married to me.
Please tell me, will the courts regard me as a woman who simply didn't have the guts to walk out?
I know, without doubt, that he will inflict verbal vengence for months, maybe years, that will bruse me unless I can hide somewhere. He has locked me out of the house more than once. The bad attacks happen about every three months or so. He says terribly mean things when he is drunk.
So why do I stay...? I can't afford to be on my own and I don't want to live in an apartment that has roaches.
I am assuming that I would be responsible for half of the house payment since the mortgage is in both of our names if I moved out... and I can't afford a nice apartment, my cell, car insurance, etc. and $600.00 a month toward our mortgage.
Please tell me, we have separate credit cards. When I am able to line up my ducks financially, and I am able to file for divorce, could I be held responsible for vacations charged on his card that took me to the Caribbean the first week of May 08 and took her to New York and Las Vegas June/July 08? Can I be held responsible for any of his credit card charges that benefitted me, i.e. food and vacations. (By the way, I buy my own clothes, glasses, gas, lunches.)
He makes twice as much as I do and has about 5 credit cards in his name that I have never seen the amounts on and have never charged on. I have three credit cards in my name that he never sees and that I pay. These are not joint accounts.
The attorney's retainer fee is $2,600, so it may be October before I have the money to pay the filing fees and retainer...
Also, do the judges in Texas care about mental and verbal cruelty? I have nothing on record regarding these issues. Only friends that have seen the way that he treats me, but this is not their problem.
Will my email printouts bare any weight in any of the court's decisions?
Will my living with him in the same house for almost a year accepting his infidelity and abuse count as strikes against me?
Or, will everything just be split down the middle regardles of fault or actions?
We have two vehicles, a house, and his retirment fund and some scuba equipment and a trailer in which to haul the scuba stuff. The boat he owned before we married. We are both 57. I have no retirement funds. We've been married 8 years. There are no children. He works in civil service - 10 + years; I work for the city. He retired from the Air Force before we married.
I know that money is not everything. And I could move into a little apartment. But why should I move out and let him live in our nice home until the divorce is final and the house is sold. And if he is forced by the courts to move out, I couldn'd possibly pay my living expenses plus elect., phone , satellite, chorine for the pool, etc. It takes two salaries to live in our home and pay our individual expenses and credit cards.
Guys or gals....let me hear your thoughts. Should I end this marriage now, tell the girlfriend about ME, or just live with it and find my own boyfriend?
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motorboater
old hand
Reged: 03/14/08
Posts: 921
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Quote:
Please tell me, will the courts regard me as a woman who simply didn't have the guts to walk out?
No.
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Also, do the judges in Texas care about mental and verbal cruelty? I have nothing on record regarding these issues.
Not too much. Violence w/proof carries weight. Everything else is usually he said/she said, and par for the course in a failing marriage. Though I suppose some really creative emotionally abusive behavior can matter. But not just "he was mean to me."
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Will my email printouts bare any weight in any of the court's decisions?
Possibly. Sometimes they do.
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Will my living with him in the same house for almost a year accepting his infidelity and abuse count as strikes against me?
No. Unless he can prove you didn't mind or thought it was fine.
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Or, will everything just be split down the middle regardles of fault or actions?
Probably not. You really need to educate yourself on personal vs. marital property and so on.
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Should I end this marriage now, tell the girlfriend about ME, or just live with it and find my own boyfriend?
Sounds like you do want to divorce. If you're sure, then be brave and do it quickly. If instead you want to fix the marriage, then be brave and try to do it quickly. If you're not sure, your job is to figure it out.
Personally, if I was divorcing, I would never bother with the other woman. Just a recipe for additional drama and disaster, knowing myself. I suppose you might enjoy hurting her or their relationship...but that would just make you a hurtful, vengeful person. A sympathetic one, sure, but still hurtful. I'd just get out and not look back.
Why would you want to live with it and find your own boyfriend? You think it's bad that he's done what he's done, right? Just as bad for you. Worse, overall, because you'd now both be treating each other awfully.
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finz
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/17/08
Posts: 6462
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You might be able to do a cash advance on your cc to pay the retainer. You can stay in the house through the procedings and save some money by not moving yet. Wait til you have sold your home or been bought out by him. The lawyer can explain what is marital property to be split vs what is nonmarital. He can also explain if you will be entitilled to any of his pension, etc. After only 8 years, I don't think so, but I am new to all of this too.
Keep all the records that you have regarding his lavish spending on the OW. The judge may deduct that from his "chunk" of the marital estate.
What kind of scum skips his own father's funeral ?
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Margaret80
recently joined
Reged: 07/02/08
Posts: 8
Loc: Texas
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Dear Finz,
Thank you for responding to my post. Regarding me staying in the house, it is 30 miles from town and my closest neighbor is 2 miles away. My husband could come to the house and get away before the sheriff could arrive. I think for my safety, I must be the one to leave.
I could leave this weekend while the husband is in New York and Vegas, take what I could that is mine or what I consider to be half, such as two of the 4 televisions, kitchen stuff and a bed. I could leave a note and say that I needed some space and that I would send him $500 toward the $1,000 mortgage. He would cut me off of his Tri-care insurance, which I need for surgery in August, and turn off my Blackberry, cancel my car insurance and probably write horrible things in a local blog.
As I said in my previous post, I love my things...but you know, it is very miserable in the evening when he sits on the couch and drinks and watches TV, while I swim by myself or sit in my office and read.
Maybe I need a really strong support group that helps me work through my feelings to the point that I can let go of my "stuff". I've always had a nice home and nice vacations, somehow I have to let go of my wonderful home and scuba diving trips to the Caribbean or just turn my head and let him think that I am stupid and know nothing about his affair! Thanks again and have a fun and save 4th.
P.S. He has never talked much about his family. I don't think that he had a happy childhood. Seeing this woman in London was much more important than attending his father's funeral. Her emails are filled with words of adoration and love and he needed the sex since I have been avoiding sleeping with him. Yep, he is scum.
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Margaret80
recently joined
Reged: 07/02/08
Posts: 8
Loc: Texas
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Dear Motorboater,
Thank you for responding to my lengthy post. You are correct. Vengence is not a part of my character. This woman is not to blame.
I do NOT want to mend this marriage. But I want my cake, pool, blackberry, and Caribbean dive trips...
And finding a boyfriend, nope... I've never even looked at another man. I'm as true as true can be...and he has hurt my heart and my feelings with not a second thought of the brusing I am enduring from this affair...And whose fault is that...mine - the material girl who has it all except for a loving husband. So, here I am....with a scumbag who probably just keeps me around for my salary that pays the house payment and who I keep around to pay for the icing.
Thank you again for your comments. Have a fun and safe 4th of July.
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kaestu
recently joined
Reged: 04/17/08
Posts: 23
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Regarding the mortgage payment...yes, you are responsible for the payment being made, and if you move out and he doesn't make the payment, you will be held accountable as much as he. However, you will also have rent to pay for you to have a place to live, just like he has a mortage payment to have a place to live. Would he pay half of your rent? Likely, no, but it is a good argument. Would he be willing to ruin his credit and lose his house by not paying the entire mortage? Just a couple of things to think about.
My stbx and I separated and our mortage payment was twice my rent. We took the total of the two combined and then decided to split the cost in comparison to what we both make. It came out in my favor, so instead of working out temporary child support during our separation, we called it even. Obviously my situation differs from yours, but it was a fair way to work things.
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Margaret80
recently joined
Reged: 07/02/08
Posts: 8
Loc: Texas
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Thank you Kaestu. He would not be willing to ruin his credit, and we will both want top dollar for our home when it is sold. He is planning to inherit about $150,000 from his father within the next 6 months and at that time says he is going to pay off the house so we don't have a mortgage. He talks long term like he expects to live here for the rest of his life.
He is a funds manager (money-budget guy) by trade and will try to beat me out of every dime that he can possibly get away with. He will fight tooth and nail for all property, and then make my life as difficult as possible during and after the divorce. There will be vengence, and I will need a protective order.
I must find the money to hire a good attorney, and I don't want to obligate myself on a credit card.
But, the first step is to get to that point where I can move out and accept a life without my things - just accept that he will be living in our nice home, and I might be living in an apartment with roaches for a while.
I must plan as if the courts will make me pay half the house payment until it sells.
It's the Fourth of July and he and the other woman are in a nice hotel on Time Square and planning to watch the fireworks on the harbor tonight. Oh poor, pitiful me... I should be moving out while he is gone rather than grumbling about the miserable existance I will have to endure on my own. Thank you again for your comments. I still have 9 days before he returns.
Edited by Margaret80 (07/04/08 04:22 AM)
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finz
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/17/08
Posts: 6462
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It's July and the surgery is in August......stall !
Although, I think because your divorce hasn't even been started, nevermind final, if he stopped his insurance coverage of you he would have to pay for half of your hospital bill (or all of it if you had a sympatheitic judge who wouldn't appreciate stbx's cheap trick. Also...he might not be able to take you off the insurance that quick. Most employers only let you do it once a year, unless it is an immediate need like birth of a child, death, or final divorce judgement.
I've been doing a lot of wallowing myself lately thinking about how screwed I will be by divorcing. I have custody concerns too, so my situation is different and my primary nightmare is wondering how I will manage only seeing my boys 50% of the time....or less. My secondary nightmare is where I will be able to see them because my income won't cover an apartment in this town nevermind a 2 bedroom so I'd have room for them too. So I totally get how thinking about post divorce lifestyle is depressing for most of us.
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Margaret80
recently joined
Reged: 07/02/08
Posts: 8
Loc: Texas
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Finz - thank you for the suggestion to stall. It's gallblader surgery. My employee insurance will pay 80 percent, his Tri-care military will pick up the full balance. I'm 57.
I have two friends who keep saying money is not everything and the fun stuff is not important, but they have not spent vacations in luxury hotels in the Cayman Islands, lived for a week on a liveaboard boat scuba diving in beautiful blue water, had the pleasure of swimming in their own pool, killed a 12 point buck on their own property. These things are a part of me and my life.
I have no friends that I could share a home with, but I wonder if you could lease a home with another single mom? ...
My friends say keep your chin up....yea okay....it is very depressing.
Thanks again...
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Buckeye
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 12/08/05
Posts: 7857
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Stop focusing on all the "things" that you will lose and think of all the new "things" that will happen.
No more putting up with ex, etc., etc. Look for the bright side.
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