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luvjasmin
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Reged: 07/05/08
Posts: 2
Extreme Verbal and Emotional Abuse - New here
      #423741 - 07/05/08 03:33 AM

I've been married 23 years to a severe alcoholic and the extreme verbal and emotional abuse has affected my mental health and self esteem. It started about 5 years after we married and increased as the years have passed. He works extremely hard in our family corporation and doesn't drink until after work. I'm an incest and multi rape survivor so I suffer from PTSD. He never comes home or calls. It's 3:16 am and I haven't heard from him. His friends mean more to him than I ever have. I retired from the hotel business 4 years ago and I went into severe depression. I'm behind 3 years on our personal and business taxes because my mental capacity has just seemed to disappear. I was also diagnosed with Addison's Disease. I was a very accomplished hotel GM and managed to do the business book keeping as well. When I quit, I lost my identity. The only form of communication we engage in is his constant screaming and irrational allegations. I'm so fearful of him. I never know what's going to set him off. I don't call him because it makes him so angry. I've forgiven him so many times to the point he doesn't apologize anymore. I don't think he remembers some of the ugly, hurtful comments he says when he's drunk. We had to hire an attorney to help us with the IRS and he's so angry because he believes I was purposely hiding information. I didn't realize there were issues until I got a visit from a revenue officer. I called my CPA and she said get an attorney ASAP. I did. There are no longer windows of sober opportunity to tell him anything at all, so my CPA told him. He has yelled at me constanly and actually screamed at me "Do I need to have a man come in and rape you like your father did?" That is the type of cruelty I hear constantly on the rare occasions he actual bothers coming home. Three days ago he sprang the news on me that he can't take my mental health issues anymore and wants a divorce. He told me I have 3 months to get out and wants to do the divorce ourselves. I screwed up and I'm working hard to get everything finished but he has left so many emotional scars and I have no bruises or broken bones to show for them. Come to find out the issues with the IRS (other than my lack of filing the yearly returns) were caused because they misposted our 941 payments for 3 years.

What I can't understand is that I'm so sad and upset and he's as happy as a lark. I've cried more in the last three days than I have in my entire life. My life is going to drastically change because I have no source of income and will need to move from Austin to Fort Worth to live with my mother. His life won't change at all except he'll have to do his own laundry! I feel abandoned and lonely yet I know I need to get out of this marriage. Why do I still love this person when he obviously hates me? My father was verbally abusive to my mom as well but nothing to the degree I've suffered. I'm I the only idiot that feels this way?


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judy54
recently joined


Reged: 04/17/08
Posts: 17
Re: Extreme Verbal and Emotional Abuse - New here [Re: luvjasmin]
      #423781 - 07/05/08 10:16 AM

Are there kids involved? If not, I'd say get into therapy and end the whole thing.

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Relayer
Carpal \'Tunnel
**

Reged: 03/13/07
Posts: 9506
Loc: Moorglade Mover
Re: Extreme Verbal and Emotional Abuse - New here [Re: luvjasmin]
      #423806 - 07/05/08 11:03 AM

[quote]I've been married 23 years to a severe alcoholic and the extreme verbal and emotional abuse has affected my mental health and self esteem. It started about 5 years after we married and increased as the years have passed. He works extremely hard in our family corporation and doesn't drink until after work. I'm an incest and multi rape survivor so I suffer from PTSD. He never comes home or calls. It's 3:16 am and I haven't heard from him. His friends mean more to him than I ever have. I retired from the hotel business 4 years ago and I went into severe depression. I'm behind 3 years on our personal and business taxes because my mental capacity has just seemed to disappear. I was also diagnosed with Addison's Disease. I was a very accomplished hotel GM and managed to do the business book keeping as well. When I quit, I lost my identity. The only form of communication we engage in is his constant screaming and irrational allegations. I'm so fearful of him. I never know what's going to set him off. I don't call him because it makes him so angry. I've forgiven him so many times to the point he doesn't apologize anymore. I don't think he remembers some of the ugly, hurtful comments he says when he's drunk. We had to hire an attorney to help us with the IRS and he's so angry because he believes I was purposely hiding information. I didn't realize there were issues until I got a visit from a revenue officer. I called my CPA and she said get an attorney ASAP. I did. There are no longer windows of sober opportunity to tell him anything at all, so my CPA told him. He has yelled at me constanly and actually screamed at me "Do I need to have a man come in and rape you like your father did?" That is the type of cruelty I hear constantly on the rare occasions he actual bothers coming home. Three days ago he sprang the news on me that he can't take my mental health issues anymore and wants a divorce. He told me I have 3 months to get out and wants to do the divorce ourselves. I screwed up and I'm working hard to get everything finished but he has left so many emotional scars and I have no bruises or broken bones to show for them. Come to find out the issues with the IRS (other than my lack of filing the yearly returns) were caused because they misposted our 941 payments for 3 years.

What I can't understand is that I'm so sad and upset and he's as happy as a lark. I've cried more in the last three days than I have in my entire life. My life is going to drastically change because I have no source of income and will need to move from Austin to Fort Worth to live with my mother. His life won't change at all except he'll have to do his own laundry! I feel abandoned and lonely yet I know I need to get out of this marriage. Why do I still love this person when he obviously hates me? My father was verbally abusive to my mom as well but nothing to the degree I've suffered. I'm I the only idiot that feels this way? [/quote]

If he doesn't have you tied up and locked in a closet, leave. You are successful, you can afford a new place. Otherwise you have no excuses for sticking around.

--------------------
GO CUBBIES!!!!


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sunnyday
member


Reged: 05/16/07
Posts: 150
Re: Extreme Verbal and Emotional Abuse - New here [Re: Relayer]
      #423860 - 07/05/08 03:08 PM

I agree with Relayer- you need to leave.

It is hard going back to work and trying to make a new life. After my divorce I had no job experience and nothing to show for the past 15 years except I was a good mom. I took an entry level job and am looking at a promotion maybe next year- it has been really hard but I will tell you one thing. Even on my WORST day at work where I am workin my tush off and dead tired it is still better than my marriage was. Gaining your own sense of self esteem is priceless.

My other adive would be to get your own lawyer. A lawyer for him will look after him. Also I didnt go for SS because I knew if would be hard enugh to get cs from him but you should be entitled to some ss (spousal support) to get back on your feet.


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luvjasmin
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Reged: 07/05/08
Posts: 2
Re: Extreme Verbal and Emotional Abuse - New here [Re: judy54]
      #423897 - 07/05/08 07:10 PM

Thanks for the support. My sons are 21 and 26. I know I'll get past this ridiculous grieving period and go get a brand new wonderful life. I'm going to find a support group and go to Al-Anon. Less tears today!

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lmy
recently joined


Reged: 07/10/08
Posts: 2
Re: Extreme Verbal and Emotional Abuse - New here [Re: luvjasmin]
      #425929 - 07/10/08 01:24 PM

Sounds like you are taking the right steps to end this marriage. I believe it is time to end any marriage that constantly draws the worst out of you and you see yourself changing for the worst, and the person is unwilling to work on themselves and change. Emotional/verbal abuse is just as bad as physical abuse. It has robbed you of joy of life, your identity and self-esteem and it certainly doesn't hurt the people doing it because they only gain more control. This only leads to destructive beliefs that you can't survive without him and need him for your everyday survival. Definitely get your life back. You may be up to debt over your head and have to suffer a little while financially and other ways until you get on your feet...but with a smart plan and careful assessment of your needs you can pull through...and you'll have some peace to go along with it at the end of the day. You are worth it.

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CAGrown
recently joined


Reged: 07/18/08
Posts: 3
Loc: California
Re: Extreme Verbal and Emotional Abuse - New here [Re: lmy]
      #428664 - 07/18/08 05:40 PM

I'm currently leaving and filing for a divorce due to emotional instability. I'm worried I'll be a homicide statistic so I left. Completely understand your fears.

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suzynj
newbie


Reged: 08/17/08
Posts: 35
Re: Extreme Verbal and Emotional Abuse - New here [Re: CAGrown]
      #440583 - 08/17/08 11:34 AM

Alanon, therapy, and a good divorce attorney. Gather your network of friends and support people. You are fortunate enough to have financial stability and excellent grounds for a livable financial divorce settlement. I know it hurts and no you are not the only idiot that feels this way, we are out there in droves. It is never too late to become the person you were ment to be. Start today. It's your life and you deserve to be happy.

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mischivs1
Unregistered




Re: Extreme Verbal and Emotional Abuse - New here *DELETED* [Re: suzynj]
      #445678 - 08/30/08 05:31 PM

Post deleted by dsAdmin

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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
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Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
Re: Extreme Verbal and Emotional Abuse - New here [Re: ]
      #446880 - 09/03/08 01:46 PM

Well, if he's just discovered he's bi-polar, he can start medication. Only you can say what you "should" do, but IMHO, you should wait it out to see if the medication helps. Doesn't mean you need to live together during this time and go through any more of the emotional roller coaster. But you can try another letter letting him know that you'll support him in getting help with this and maybe you two can work things out once he gets his bi-polar condition under control through medication and counseling, but that in the meantime, you feel the two of you should remain separate to allow both of you to heal. This way you're not shutting down the relationship and giving him any reason to spiral downward, but giving him hope, and giving the both of you a chance.

--------------------
Char Fox


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