mullan
recently joined
Reged: 08/02/08
Posts: 8
|
|
Hello, I am new and have a situation that I need outside opinions on. Sometime in June my husband told me he wanted a divorce. I am a Christian, he is not. And divorce did not seem like the right thing to me. I had made it clear to him that I was going to keep trying. In Oct he served me with divorce papers. I had a feeling for some time there was someone else. I had asked him several times and he always denied it. Late Oct I caught him leaving the house around 1am and walking down the street. The next night after work I confronted him. He finally admited he was "in love" with someone. I asked if he had slept with her and he said they had been intimate. For the last 4 months I had been working so hard to love him even though he was not responding. We had talks and he would say things that made me think there might be a chance. In hindsight I was in extreme denial but that night my world came to a stand still. I snapped and lashed out and tried to slap him across the face. he blocked my arm and pushed me to the ground. When I got on my feet I was yelling how dare you push me. He was in my face calling me vile names. He had me pinned to the wall while he was yelling at me. I was trying to push him away and when I could not get away I grabbed his neck and dug my nails in and pushed away from me. (fyi.. he is 6'2 235lbs, I am 5'4 1xx lbs) I was fighting back trying to get away from him. When I finally did I left the room and told him I wanted him out of the house. He said you cant kick me out of MY house. i said yes I can. he said OH YEAH, THEN YOUR GOING TO JAIL. I went in the living/dinning room and i was so upset all I could do is say How could you. He got in my face again still calling me every name in the book. He went to the dinning table pulled out the phone book and was looking for the police number. Long story long, the police came to the door. Because he had marks and blood on his neck I was taken to jail. I spent 12 hours there and because the kids were in the house I was charged with 4th degree felony assault even thought i had sent them outside when the yelling started. When I was released, I was not allowed to go home. I have 3 kids and was terrified I would not be able to see them. When I was arrained i was so scared I did not hear them say the charge was reduced to harrasment so I asked for a trial instead of pleading guilty and taking a fine. My lawyer advised me to request a restraining order which would give me temp custody and the house. So I did and it was granted. This really pissed him off and he went to the DA and insisted they charge me with 4th degree assault and not harrasment. This charge comes with the possibility of jail time. He protested the restraining order and the judge removed it. Even thought my husband had been physically abusive to my oldest son and i had my pastor on the stand saying he had seen my husband in a rage and it had made him scarred for his physical saftey. You see my husband has been verbally abusive for a long time and he gets angry very quickly. I can see this so clearly know and I feel like a fool for allowing it for so long.
So because I had the No-Contact order from the criminal case he was able to kick me out of the house. I have no family here and almst ended up in a womens shelter. I was told by different people, not to leave the kids behind because it would be considered abandonment. But if I took them to a shelter with me then I would be removing them from a good home and putting them into a situation much worse. I thought going to jail was the worst day of my life but not knowing where to go or if I should take the kids or leave them. Would i ever see them??? Thankfully a frind from church let me stay with her and she had room for the kids. My husband and I settled shared the kids as best we could. it wasnt much but at least I got to have them. I ended up renting a house and for the past 10 months have been waiting to go to trial on the criminal case. I can not risk going to court for the divorce because the criminal case is for domestic abuse and the chance of loosing custody of my kids is to great. My soon to be ex has been using this as a weapon and wont agree to any settlments i have suggested. I can not get into my house to remove my belongings because of the criminal case. He has so much control and power right now and I can do nothig about it. This is a nightmare that I can not wake up from nd it is taking a toll. When this first began he told his family that all he had done was kiss this other woman. Well she gave birth to a son last weekend. That was one powerfull kiss! Since the birth of this baby, I have been in a spin. My emotions are all over the place. i am not handling this well. The criminal trial had been rescheduled 4 times and it looks like it will be again. I have absolutly no rights in this. The old Right to a speedy trial only seems to be for people who are sitting in jail. My life is on hold and I am comming unglued. My faith is stronger because of this trial but I need it to end and the court system is NOT on my side.
If I loose custody of my children I really think I might loose my sanity. It is what keeps me up at night.
|
Relayer
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 03/13/07
Posts: 9506
Loc: Moorglade Mover
|
|
So, you, the domestic abuser, got the house and kids. Nice.
--------------------
GO CUBBIES!!!!
|
Cayteax
member
Reged: 03/30/05
Posts: 183
Loc: Southern US
|
|
Seriously, Dude. Reread her post. In the end husband got the restraining order removed and kicked HER out of the house. She's living with a friend now. AND they are sharing the kids. I'm gonna reread but that's what I got out of it.
According to what I read she DID strike first but he blocked her strike and had her backed against a wall and she fought to get out.
OP, don't really have any words of wisdom. I won't lie. You're in a pretty pickle. I suggest counseling and maybe anger management for you as a show of good faith.
ETA: She was staying with a friend and is now renting another house.
--------------------
Cayteax
Edited by Cayteax (08/04/08 02:32 PM)
|
Relayer
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 03/13/07
Posts: 9506
Loc: Moorglade Mover
|
|
[quote]Seriously, Dude. Reread her post. In the end husband got the restraining order removed and kicked HER out of the house. She's living with a friend now. AND they are sharing the kids. I'm gonna reread but that's what I got out of it.
According to what I read she DID strike first but he blocked her strike and had her backed against a wall and she fought to get out.
OP, don't really have any words of wisdom. I won't lie. You're in a pretty pickle. I suggest counseling and maybe anger management for you as a show of good faith.
ETA: She was staying with a friend and is now renting another house. [/quote]
I read it the first time. She played victim and initially got the house. Then the actual victim (who was defending himself) got a no contact as anyone should and had her removed.
I was commenting on her and her lawyers little court
maneuver of getting a RO in an attempt to get the kids and the house, although she was guilty.
Why it was granted is beyond me. Must of been two different judges or something. Women need to be punished just as much as men when they are the abusers and abusers often do these little tricks.
--------------------
GO CUBBIES!!!!
|
mullan
recently joined
Reged: 08/02/08
Posts: 8
|
|
Did you guys really read the post? All that happened was a slap in the face that did not even land. He was in my face holding me against the wall and yelling every vile name in the book. I grabbed his neck and squeazed to get him OFF me. Do you really think this is domestic abuse?? What woman wuld not sap the face of a cheating husband? In the past he had beat up on my 15 yr old son under the guise of disipline. Bruises and scartch marks on my sons throat is NOT disipline. He is a very angry man and when he gets anry he is very scarry. My slap was a gut reaction and not something that happened every day. Does this situation really deserve jail time, an ankle braclet and probation for 3 years??
|
Maury
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 8146
Loc: This Asylum --->
|
|
"Do you really think this is domestic abuse??"
A slap is clearly domestic abuse. An act of self defense or to get someone off you, is not. Whether or not you subjectively believe a woman or a man is validated in slapping their spouse for cheating, it still qualifies as domestic abuse and from a legal perspective is inappropriate.
Each state is different, but chances of any significant jail time on such facts is remote. Around here, the usual would be three days in jail (not on a bracelet) on a first offense. In many states, it is probation.
You may always seek a speedy trial whether you are in jail or out. It must be held wherever practical within 60 days of your pretrial. You must demand that speedy trial, however, with a speedy trial demand.
Domestic abuse is seen as a serious issue and, as a result, all acts that fall within its definition are treated seriously. Certainly blood and marks on his neck would be fairly compelling evidence of domestic abuse.
Most states have a statutory presumption that personfound to have committed acts of domestic abuse should not be awarded primary custody, You would have to argue against that presumtion which can be rebutted. Not having primary custody does not mean that you lose your children, but I imagine you can see how fathers who are often faced with such a dilemma would feel slighted as well and that is, sadly, far more common.
The fact is that you made a serious mistake and acted inappropriately. To not understand that and seek to display that understanding in family court can be detrimental andto any custody case. All to often it is the husband that falls into such traps or even faces fraudulent charges. In this instances, you have al but acknowleged that an act that is doemstic abuse did occur. That would make a victory at trial unlikely unless you can convince a jury that it was somehow defensive. Stating you were angry because he cheated is not a valid defense.
|
mullan
recently joined
Reged: 08/02/08
Posts: 8
|
|
This all happened last Oct 2007. My trial has been reset 4 times and will probably be reset again. it is set now for Sept. i have asked and tried to research my right to a speedy trial but everyone says because I am NOT sitting in jail I have no rights. Which ever way this goes I can deal with it. it just nee dto get on the stand and get it over with. What do you mean by Speedy trial request?
|
Maury
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 8146
Loc: This Asylum --->
|
|
What state are you in. I can probably find a form for the Speedy trial demand.
|
mullan
recently joined
Reged: 08/02/08
Posts: 8
|
|
Oregon
|
BeckaLeigh
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/08/05
Posts: 6875
Loc: Texas
|
|
It sounds like you are living in a nightmare that you are just as responsible for as he is, if not a little more. Yes, it was wrong of you to try to strike him. And if he was/is abusive to your child, why did you want to work on the marriage to the point of ignoring his desire for a divorce? I realize sometimes it is hard to let go of something that has been there for so long, but if you were concerned for your child, why didn't you do something before? I can understand the desire to hurt him after he hurt you, but as adults, we have to own up to our mistakes. YOU chose to try to strike him. YOU tried to draw first blood and when it failed, he pushed back. I would, too, in his place. He had made it abundantly clear that he wanted out, you wouldnt let it go. I don't see why you posted this under domestic violence/abuse, other than you got yourself into this situation, then tried to turn the tables and it backfired, now you are upset. I can't blame you for being upset, but neither can I have much sympathy for you, after being abused myself. You tried to slap him, he pushed you down, you got up yelling at him. IMO, he was pretty justified in what he did. He didn't get out of hand like some people would have. YOU did. So, reap what you sow, and face the consequences like an adult.
--------------------
I tried being normal once. Worst five minutes of my life.
|
Previous
Index
Next
Threaded
Edit
Reply
Quote
