johnson27
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 07/31/08
Posts: 2435
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I've been dating my b/f for 2 1/2 years. We both have 2 kids the same ages, 7(girl), 9 (boy). Him and his ex divorced because she had an affair on him, later divorced him and married the guy she had the affair with, which she soon divorced also. There was a period in our relationship that he decided to go back and try to work things out with his ex. He saw that things couldn't be reconciled after all that had happened, and eventually we got back together. His ex speaks negatively about me to their kids and blames me for them not being able to work things out, she even tells the kids this. So naturally the kids don't care for me too much. Although when i'm around they do respect me and most of the time they want to play with me and show me things, which is a positive, so that baffles me as to why they don't like me. Me and my b/f have been discussing moving in with each other and he sat the kids down to talk to them about it and they said they didn't want him to b/c they didn't like me but couldn't give a real reason as to why. My b/f understands that alot of that has to do with the ex and just natural feelings regarding their dad being in a relationship with someone other than their mom, but at the same time he doesn't want the kids to dread coming to see him b/c he lives with me. He wants his kids to be happy so now this is affecting his decision to move in and i'm not sure how to handle this or how to feel about it. I don't see the kids liking me or admitting to liking me so that they don't feel like they are betraying their mother and i don't feel that the kids should be left with a decision like that either, they are too young. I feel like their opinion does matter to some extent, so how can we reach a solution to make everyone involved happy???? I felt as though i should sit down and talk to the kids to explain to them that i would still like an opportunity to be friends with them despite their feelings about me. And my b/f says he still wants to talk to the kids a little more to get them to see a different side of things, but i'm just not that optimistic about it. What should we do???????
Edited by johnson27 (08/04/08 03:16 PM)
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Annie7676
old hand
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 862
Loc: NY
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there are probably many books out there on the subject...you may also want to consider counseling with a family counselor experienced in these things...maybe if the BM agrees all of you together to go...
the trick is to not have the kids against it, they may not like it but try in some way to accept it and not have it rammed down their throat
the best way is to be nice to them, which I am sure you are, work extra hard to show them that you are nice person, do have their best interests in mind and remember they are young...this is probably very confusing to them....
sometimes actions speak louder than words
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MaritimeGuy
addict
Reged: 04/15/08
Posts: 532
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Whether or not the ex is bad mouthing you and no matter how nice you are to the kids your relationship with their father is a concrete sign he is not getting back together with their mother. So I think at some level there is always going to be some resentment there.
I would suggest it's just going to take time, patience and consistency. If you're good to them and care for them they will grow to like you. You just can't force it.
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suzynj
newbie
Reged: 08/17/08
Posts: 35
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What would you do if your children didn't like him?
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johnson27
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 07/31/08
Posts: 2435
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My kids didn't like him in the beginning - because he wasn't daddy - even when daddy decided to not participate in taking care of them, our kids still adore their dad, and of course they would always prefer daddy over anyone else - It just took time for them to warm up to my SO and he's around a great deal as opposed to me since my SO doesn't have his children fulltime - so he was able to form a relationship with my children alot faster than me with his - And since my ex isn't telling our kids what an aweful person my SO is as opposed to his ex who is, it makes it easier for my children to take a liking to him.
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Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
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Justme89
recently joined
Reged: 09/17/08
Posts: 2
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Coming from the kids point of view: I was 9 when my dad remarried with out even telling us anything, we met the lady once and he only dated her 6 weeks before they where married. My real mom said horrible things about her, and she in turn said horrible things about my mom: I was 9.
I hated my step mom for years, my mom moved us across the country and i didnt see my dad or step mom for years, In that time my dad and step mom send dozens of cards and presents I never received, when i was 16 i found boxes of it in the garage, I went to my mother and she GROUNDED ME! for snopping, but not before i read all the cars in my step moms hand witting telling me she was sorry and her and daddy loved me very much and there will always be a place in her heart for us. My and my real mother had a falling out and i moved out at 16, at 17 i was homeless droped out of school and scared. I finally found my dad on the internet and moved to texas to be with him and my step mom, Now that i was older they explained what had happened, and court documents of everything, The divorce all of it. every lie was answered with the truth. Now at 19 i live by myself in SC, My and my real mom do not talk and she still has not apologized about all the lies she told, but me and my step mom talk everyday and our even closer then she is with her real children. Things take time and pray, God makes everything right. So they may not like you know, but this is a difficult time for them. Just be supportive, I was never asked anything. They are young and i think if they get to see you two living together and loving them all equally, things will be just fine. Hopefully their mom is not like my mom tho!
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johnson27
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 07/31/08
Posts: 2435
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thanks JM89 - I've made an effort to spend more time with them to show them who i really am and we've had a blast playing and i feel like they are coming around. Although i know right now they would love nothing more than daddy and mommy getting back together and would rather have daddy all to themselves, they seem to really make the most of it when we are all around each other. I give them time to their daddy alone so that they still have that and i feel like from this point things will get even better. Their mom has said horrible things about me to them, but as they get older i'm sure they'll see the truth for themselves. It's really sad that sometimes ppl can't put hard feelings or resentment aside in order to create a united happy front for their children. With all my problems with my ex, never once have i said a negative thing to our children about him. It's good to hear that throughout all of your hardships you were able to build back a relationship with your father and SM.
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Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
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Annie7676
old hand
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 862
Loc: NY
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it sounds like you are on the right track..give them love, attention and make them feel loved, comfortable...the old saying actions speak louder than words will come to play...
they will respond, kids are stupid...i would ignore the comments from the X, just act like it doesn't bother you and things shoudl work out
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johnson27
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 07/31/08
Posts: 2435
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Thanks Annie!
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Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
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