nolonger
enthusiast
Reged: 09/15/08
Posts: 305
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[quote]I'm sure its not as easy as I tried to make it seem. Ex'es like yours sound like mine except I'm not worried about her being able to beat me up (though she used to try). I do worry about her next sucker punch and keep my distance accordingly. But other than that, she essentially can't have a conversation without attacking. I've become pretty good at hanging up and/or walking away.
You could limit it to text (eg email). Then keep 100% of his BS/insults and take him back to court for noncooperation/contempt until he gets sick of paying for his and your legal fees...
Still, you can't really be claiming that you want to raise kids 50/50 cooperatively with him AND have him under RO at the same time, are you? [/quote]
No. I can't claim that. In my state, "unless he's beating the kids bloody" (quote from my lawyer)he will share 50/50 custody no matter what. My question is, then, how do I use the law to protect my constitutional right to live in peace and happiness!? What - because I'm divorced I can't have it both ways? Insane! There's GOTTA be something but I know after talking with dozens (I do not exaggerate - DOZENS) of survivors that plain and simple - the law won't help.
Sorry if I've come off as defensive on this thread - because I truly am defensive, but not personally against you - I'm just trying to curb the attitude that is common in society that "most women" cry abuse only to use it to gain more in the divorce.
Nope. Not always the case. Some of us don't "claim" abuse, some of us are continually victimized in spite of our intellegence, wealth, education and emotional strength. We ALL deserve much better than this.
Sorry you went through the wringer.
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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It's when you yank on their choke chain that it becomes abuse. Good thing hubby's never complained when I do that. LOL
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Char Fox
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nolonger
enthusiast
Reged: 09/15/08
Posts: 305
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[quote]It's when you yank on their choke chain that it becomes abuse. Good thing hubby's never complained when I do that. LOL [/quote]
I'm not sure I understand what you're saying. It almost sounds as if you're placing some blame on the victims. I do NOTHING to provoke him. N-O-T-H-I-N-G. Of course, it's always hind site that helps me understand what set him off (i.e. the texting I detailed was 3 days after he had to pay off the credit card because he holds all the money). He was obviously Pissed that he could not get me to pay it (he's court ordered to do so and if I could simply divide in half the joint funds right now, I'd happily pay it!) So the texting was punishment for me since he was made to follow the rules. That's not exactly yanking his chain. I had nothing to do with it - it was all done by his lawyer - his lawyer made him follow the rules.
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motorboater
old hand
Reged: 03/14/08
Posts: 921
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Well, if you're not going to try to take the kids or money from him because he's a jerk in txt and the phone, then do this:
1. keep all the txt and email and mail so far to document your case
2. get a digital recorder and attach it to your phone. Record the convos. If you live in a two party state, tell him you will record the convos. That should be enough to shape him up right there.
3. block his txt and phone #. Or screen.
4. don't have conversations with him outside of email. Not one word. But be decent in email regardless of what he does.
5. get good at ignoring the "noise" in his email
6. let him know that each txt, letter, or phone convo will go to court to hold him in contempt for noncooperation, etc. He'll lose because of your strongly documented case and pay all legal fees.
7. if he persists or pusues you in person or forces his way into your home or whatever, he's harassing you and treat him like the criminal he is.
The law will help if you do need an RO and have proof; ROs are easy to get even when not deserved. If you deserve one and use it appropriately, go for it if necessary.
Again, not all claims are false and not all ROs are misused. Just that 1st claim holding more credence than counterclaims is a problem since mutual abuse is more common than one-sided, attaching settlement rewards to ANY claims is a problem, and err'ing on the side of "victim women/victimizing men" is a problem.
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motorboater
old hand
Reged: 03/14/08
Posts: 921
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she's talking to becka about deaf dogs. not you :-)
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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As per motor's response, Becka and I were sharing a joke about dogs and hubbies. Calm down hon, I've dealt with some real abuse, like being drug around by the hair of the head and having a fist stuck in my face while having my head shook and shoved in gravel. I know what it's all about, believe me.
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Char Fox
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nolonger
enthusiast
Reged: 09/15/08
Posts: 305
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[quote]she's talking to becka about deaf dogs. not you :-) [/quote]
Ha! I totally missed that one. Pretty funny!
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nolonger
enthusiast
Reged: 09/15/08
Posts: 305
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[quote]Well, if you're not going to try to take the kids or money from him because he's a jerk in txt and the phone, then do this:
1. keep all the txt and email and mail so far to document your case
2. get a digital recorder and attach it to your phone. Record the convos. If you live in a two party state, tell him you will record the convos. That should be enough to shape him up right there.
3. block his txt and phone #. Or screen.
4. don't have conversations with him outside of email. Not one word. But be decent in email regardless of what he does.
5. get good at ignoring the "noise" in his email
6. let him know that each txt, letter, or phone convo will go to court to hold him in contempt for noncooperation, etc. He'll lose because of your strongly documented case and pay all legal fees.
7. if he persists or pusues you in person or forces his way into your home or whatever, he's harassing you and treat him like the criminal he is.
The law will help if you do need an RO and have proof; ROs are easy to get even when not deserved. If you deserve one and use it appropriately, go for it if necessary.
Again, not all claims are false and not all ROs are misused. Just that 1st claim holding more credence than counterclaims is a problem since mutual abuse is more common than one-sided, attaching settlement rewards to ANY claims is a problem, and err'ing on the side of "victim women/victimizing men" is a problem. [/quote]
Great advice. That's exactly what I've done for two years. I have over 100 pages of journal entries (only 3 pages of actual provable harassment) and about 4 hours of recorded verbal abuse as well as video footage of emotional and verbal abuse. I forward every text to my email and print those out along with every abusive email. I save every abusive voice message.
In spite of all this evidence, I was advised to "hold off until we need it" so that the "divorce can be about dividing equally your assets instead of viewed as 'you're out to get him'."
It just make no sense to me. It's a 50-50 friggin' state! I just want the abuse to STOP!!!! Oh yeah, and get my 1/2 already so I can MOVE ON!
Thanks for your suggestions. You're right on!
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