Dolfinity
enthusiast
Reged: 08/19/08
Posts: 350
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I am the CP of a 5-yr old special needs child (autism - I have full physical custody, 50-50 legal). Ex is Army Captain, just returned from 1 yr in Iraq, now assigned 3 years in Germany. He's had little involvement in the care, raising, and unique special needs of our child. He remarried while on 3-week leave from Iraq. I have three issues I need help with ASAP:
1. Ex wants our child to fly to Germany for 2 weeks at Christmas and 12 weeks in the summer. I am willing to negotiate visitation, but feel that his proposal does not take the best interest of our child into consideration - especially his age and his special needs. I am proposing that Christmas visitation should occur in the states (closer to home to avoid disruption to schedule); and summer should not exceed 4 weeks away from home. Ex won't even consider it. What is reasonable visitation in this situation?
2. Ex's wife has spent 2 weeks of her life with our child, and now feels she is an expert on his care and upbringing. My ex will not even meet with me to discuss the change in visitation unless she is there. He has delegated the care and discipline of our child to her during his visitation. She is domineering and has been calling my child's teacher, and showing up to parent meetings demanding that she be included on all school and doctor forms. As far as I can tell, she has no legal rights in deciding the custody and visitation of our child. Do I have a legal basis to tell her to back off?
3. Ex leaves in 1 week (has been back for 2). If we cannot reach a visitation agreement, is our next step mediation? Can that be done with him remotely?
Current parenting agreement states that we will address a change in visitation when ex is assigned to a base stateside.
Thanks for any insight you can offer.
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~ Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. ~
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matart1
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 09/01/05
Posts: 2798
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I doubt very seriously that you are going to convince the courts that visitation must remain in the states.
typically with long distance visitation - or better yet I'll use my husband's schedule for example - his decree is worded as he is to have every other major holiday and the entire summer, one week after school lets outs to one week prior to it beginning. this while he was in the military also but I have seen this same senario with families that have nothing to do with military.
so...
1. more than likely will happen.
2. you don't have to like her, she just has to be decent to son.
3. time to put differences aside. and yes, it can be done remotely.
time to address visitation now. it is not always possible to be stationed where you want or where the other person wants you to be.
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Life is a long lesson in humility.
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Dolfinity
enthusiast
Reged: 08/19/08
Posts: 350
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Given your situation, I have a couple questions:
- How old are the kids?
- Are there any special needs involved?
- Who paid for the travel?
- The Mother does not get to have ANY major holidays with her children? Unless she explicitely agreed to that, I've never heard of a judge awarding an agreement like that.
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~ Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. ~
Edited by Dolfinity (08/26/08 11:16 AM)
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matart1
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 09/01/05
Posts: 2798
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ah lets see if memory serves correctly.
- the kids were 8 and 5 at the time.
- there were no special needs for either child.
- father was stationed in VA and had helped move his ex to FL. intially he was required to pay for travel. she kept dragging him back to court over piddly things and then the travel and visitation was readdressed because the first order said that visitation was basically up to the mother's agreement - well she never agreed and only agreed to her receiving child support -
- so then he was given every other major holiday and basically the whole summer and travel expenses were split 50/50.
at first his ex tried to argue why she should be responsible for travel but the judge agreed that both parents should hold equally responsible.
just because your ex is stationed in Germany does not mean that he will automatically have his rights terminated if that is the intent.
if you are requiring him to pay exclusively for travel then he can have his child support offset to reflect in his increased cost just for visitation alone.
the child is not of the special needs that would preclude a hardship orders.
good luck though. divorce is tough and even more so with children.
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Life is a long lesson in humility.
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Miranda
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Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 20822
Loc: North of Mexico
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There is no way you will get him to come to you for visits. That is ridiculous. Germany has resources available for your ex to use for your son. You can fly an escort with the child or you can meet at the "port of call" depending where that is. Your ex has a right to visit with his child and you are not the regulator when it comes to the boundaries of visitation between father and son.
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13.1...because I am only half crazy!
Edited by Miranda (08/26/08 04:01 PM)
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Dolfinity
enthusiast
Reged: 08/19/08
Posts: 350
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Thank you E1 for your feedback. Please know that I'm not against visitation, nor am I trying to be a butthole about this... my goal is to work out together what is in our child's best interest, not to force more money out of Dad, or prevent him from seeing his child. I do think it is important for our child to spend time with Dad. Absolutely. I am appreciative and proud of the sacrifices Dad has made for the country, and it is unfortunate that instead of being allowed to return stateside, he is now stationed in Germany.
Our child is special needs, but no, not the kind that would entitle Dad to hardship orders. But they are of the kind that require a team of occupational, physical, behavioral, and speech therapists, along with psychologists and early childhood specialists who work with him regularly to help him learn to interact with others, express himself verbally, and redirect negative (aggressive) behaviors. When he doesn't understand his environment, he can be destructive to others and himself. His main coping mechanism is structure and routine. This is a very common aspect of autism.
We have a mediation scheduled a couple days from now. I'm hopeful that with the help of a neutral 3rd party, we can work out the most ideal situation for Joey, given the complicated nature of the physical distance between Mom and Dad.
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~ Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. ~
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Redlegg
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/05/06
Posts: 26804
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What do you think is in the best interests of your child when it comes to this situation? What do you think needs to be in place in Germany, and how do you thnk the travel should be?????
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Dolfinity
enthusiast
Reged: 08/19/08
Posts: 350
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Based on past history of disruptions to the routine, and the advice of his early childhood specialist, I think it is in our son's best interest to do the following:
* Christmas holiday is too short for successfully transporting a 4yo to Germany and back without huge effects on him in school. But if Dad comes to the states to spend Christmas with family, it would be fine for our son to join him.
* Summer overseas should not exceed 4 weeks. This can be increased by a week each summer for each year of age.
* If Dad comes to the states at any point during the year, he can visit with our son at any time.
* For our son's comfort and safety (knowledge of how to handle melt-downs and anxiety attacks), travel should occur with his biological mom or dad, and exchanges between visits should go from mom to dad, or dad to mom.
* Our son yearns for and needs time with his Dad. So ideally part of his day would be spent at the on-base exceptional families facility, where he can continue to receive his therapy, and interact with other children while Dad is at work. Dad would be with him in the evenings and on weekends. If Dad gets deployed, Mom would travel to bring him back home.
* We have regularly scheduled phone calls or web cam sessions (at least once/week), and our son has free access to call Mom or to receive calls from Mom even if it's not our regularly scheduled time. (The same is true for Dad when our son is with me.)
Those are my suggestions that I'm bringing to the mediation.
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~ Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. ~
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Miranda
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 20822
Loc: North of Mexico
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Would you be happy if you only saw your son 4 weeks a year?
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13.1...because I am only half crazy!
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Dolfinity
enthusiast
Reged: 08/19/08
Posts: 350
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Absolutely not. That's a raw deal.
But that's just it... it's not about my happiness or his Dad's happiness. It's about what's best for this child in this situation. I have done, and will do, anything to create a nurturing environment for my children, and to ensure the best care, emotional well-being, and stability for my children. This includes changing jobs, moving to new locations, and sacrificing my own wants/desires for someone else.
Another factor in our situation is that the reason we are no longer with Dad is that he was emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive. Our marriage counselors knew this, but it was not ever something escalated to his commander or to MPs, therefore it was not a factor in the divorce. But I do want to limit the length of time he is with Daddy to avoid getting into an abusive situation.
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~ Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. ~
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