ksday
recently joined
Reged: 09/15/08
Posts: 8
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I met my husband my sophomore year in High School. He was my first serious boyfriend so I basically have no other relationship experiences. We dated for six years and have been married for two. We have a five year-old daughter and a eighteen month-old daughter. We just bought our first house last Feb. and began having "major" problems soon after.
I started working nights while he was home watching our girls. He started drinking heavily. He was already a bad drunk as it is. I started to worry about my girls being left alone with him. Then I realized he was courting other women on the internet as well. After I caught him he flew into a drunken rage and wanted to break my laptop. I was foolish and tried to "save" it. I am a student and had half a semesters worth of homework that I needed on my computer. Long story short I came out of the ordeal bruised up with a broken computer.
We seperated and he continued to befriend local women. To this day he swears up and down nothing physical ever happened. We started marriage counseling and under the instruction of our therapist, ended the seperation to ensure better chances of working things out.
Although he vowed to stop drinking it became clear that he was an alcoholic and was having a hard time quitting. I have endured several months of catching him drinking and became someone I hate being. I feel so insecure and jealous it turns my stomach.
In the beginning of all our problems he started a friendship with a married woman named Jenny. One of the drunken things he said around town, and to me accidently, was that he was having an affair with a married 35-year-old woman. He later claimed it was just another side effect of him being a bad drunk. I couldn't help feeling that Jenny fit the description. I was always uncomfortable with their friendship but tried to be understanding. Recently while trying to get on good terms with me he called their friendship off and told her it was causing too many problems. I felt so embarrassed that I tried to contact her and let her know my reasons for not being comfortable with it. Today she wrote me a nasty message telling me basically she didn't care about me or what I had to say and she couldn't promise me she wouldn't continue to contact him  I was so nice and as understanding as I could be, it crushed me when I read her e-mail.
There have been so many bad incidents. I just feel hopeless. I kept holding on hoping that he would just get better. He has gone to a few Alcohilics Anonymous meetings. I don't think he gave it a chance to work because it didn't seem to help.
At this point I feel like the on again off again relationship we are having is so damaging to my children. Maybe trying to work the marriage out for their sake isn't the best thing to do?
I am so fearful of divorce for so many reasons. We just bought a house! I feel so trapped and do not want to move my children again. He has broken a few things in his drunken rages there would be some work needed done to even attempt to sell the house.
My other reason for not wanting a divorce is when my parents divorced it changed the entire course of my life. It is an awkward subject but there is no easy way to say it so I am sorry if it makes anyone feel uncomfortable. I was molested by my alcoholic step-father. It caused so many side affects that I am still working on. I can not imagine ever introducing another man into my life. I can honestly say I would not be able to do it! I am so young and have so little experience with love it seems crazy to think that. But it is how I feel.
When do you know things will never change? When do you know enough is enough? He is begging to come home and says he will do anything to avoid a divorce. But this has all been said and done so many times it means little to me now.
Maybe someone out there knows something to tell me that would help.
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MaritimeGuy
addict
Reged: 04/15/08
Posts: 532
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ksday
You husband has a serious problem and needs help. Unfortunately I don't think you're going to be able to help him. This is something he has to do on his own.
I don't have first hand experience dealing with alcoholics so I'm not the best one to give advice. One thing that does make sense to me would be for you to participate in an al anon group for family members of alcoholics.
Neither you nor your kids want to go through life living with someone who flies into drunken rages and destroys things. Unless he get help, not just promises to change, but actually gets help I don't think you should let him back.
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ksday
recently joined
Reged: 09/15/08
Posts: 8
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Thank you. There is an al anon meeting I am planning on going to tomorrow.
I sat up and read a lot of posts last night until they all started hitting too close to home for me. I finally went to bed completely freaked out!
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johnson27
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 07/31/08
Posts: 2435
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Ks how long has this been going on up to this point?
I met my ex while in high school, we got married and had two children together. There was alot of his behavior before our marriage that i didn't approve of but felt like once we got married he would fall into your ideal husband and father. I was niave.
He became addicted to meth. It was a hard battle and i don't think he would have gotten clean unless he cut off all contact with the people he was associating with. There was a phase in our marriage where he was clean and going to work everyday, and although things weren't perfect, i thought they were looking up.
We decided it was time to buy a bigger home. Soon after, things started getting bad again. Along with the bigger home came bigger responsibility and left less room to play financially.
We soon ended up divorcing and he completely undid all the hard work that had been done getting himself clean. He quit his job and started selling and using drugs everyday. Now he has nothing to do with his children. He will call once every 3 months or so to tell me he wants to change and be a part of his kids lives, but then i won't hear from him again for another few months.
I pretty much figured out that neither me nor his kids were going to get him to change. It was gonna have to come within himself. So here i am trying to move on with my life.
I miss having the family unit and even with meeting someone new and getting involved in a serious relationship it can't function as a nuclear family. I go to my son's baseball games and i hear mothers say to their kids, lets go find daddy, or lets see if daddy can get you something from the concession stand. I miss not being able to do that. I'm pretty happy with my life now, but it doesn't mean that i don't think back sometimes and wish things turned out differently.
I can't control my ex's behavior, the only behavior i can control is my own. I'm not trying to encourage either side, whether you choose to stay or go is a decision only you can make.
I do believe however that you should make sure that you have exhausted all of your options before making a decision that will completely change your life. The best advice i've ever gotten was if you're not sure what to do, then don't do anything at all...also, i asked the same question to a friend, when do you know enough is enough?....She told me, you will know, you won't even question it. Not that i'm implying that you shouldn't work on your marriage, but rather, not go in the other direction until youre absolutely positive.
No regrets.
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Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
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finz
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/17/08
Posts: 6458
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Hi KS
It sounds like you are in a really tough spot. As you will learn in Al Anon....you can't control him, only your reaction to him. I definitely agree with the above advice.....keep him out of the house until he has proven he can stay sober. Will you have to sell right away ? Could you and your kids move back with your family if need be ? Do you work outside of the home in addition to school ?
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Annie7676
old hand
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 862
Loc: NY
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I am sorry you are going through this. From your post here you mention introducing another man into your life, please put that thought on hold until you get this chapter of your life straightened out.
I grew up with a roaring raging alcoholic mother...I have no tolerance for it, thats my take. I know you want to save your marriage, do all you can but you may just want to end it now and get on with your life. Sooner is better than later...but its hard to face the harsh reality. You can't change this man....only he can do that and it does not appear he wants tooo....let this jenny have him.....You and your babies deserve so much more......you and your babies should be cherished and loved by the man in your life....not treated like this and I know alcohol is an addiction but when is enough enough???
Yes divorce is hard but there are many things one can do to make it not so hard. Your spouse has a serious problem, drinking, rage and OW...NOT a good environment to be raising your babies, they are exposed to this and it will scar them. Trust me on that...my mom no longer drinks but I am still leery of her...I try my best but some days its hard.
Get counseling...do you work ? Do you have education? I would work on becoming independent and being able to stand up alone without him. Yes its sad to lose the house but the choice between a drunk, cheater raging guy and staying...I would run as fast as I could...
I do hope things work out for you....I am sorry to sound so harsh but sometimes its best to just cut your losses and start over again. And if you dont make the divorce or break up of the family a negative then maybe it doesnt have to be...
Good luck
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