worriedmomz
recently joined
Reged: 09/18/08
Posts: 12
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my mom has a PO against my dad. they've been married 33 years and he's been abusive 25 (my whole life). My whole family turned their backs on my dad, i let him stay with me, with one rule-no drinking (alcoholic). He got drunk last night, i took him to detox (he doesn't really speak english, so he doesn't know he can leave) this morning he was supposed to go to court, judge was going to decide if he'll extend PO, i don't even know if he went. He has no job, no money, nowhere to stay(he has his car). I hate myself for feeling bad for him, but i also get mad, bc i went through so many arguments with my husband over my dad, just so he can come home drunk, like it doesn't even matter.
I don't know where he's going to go, what he's going to eat, i don't think he knows where the homeless shelter is. I never thought i would see my father like this and it hurts. On top of that some of my familly members got mad at me for taking my dad in, but i never wanted to see him on the streets, obviously he didn't care. I just recently had serious brain surgery, so i'm not supposed stress out, ironic.... Why do i feel like this affects me more than anybody else in my family? Don't get me wrong, i also feel so sorry for my mother. Bless her heart. I love them both so much and i don't know the right thing to do. To my knowledge, she doesn't want divorce, she wants time to think, separate. I feel like it would be better for them to divorce, bc at least my dad would get half, or however it goes, but maybe then he could afford a place to stay. My mom has a lot of family here, so i knwo she's going to be okay. I'm tired of crying and stressing out. Should i just stay out of it? Any advice will help..
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matart1
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 09/01/05
Posts: 2798
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it sounds like you love both your parents equally despite all the years of ups and downs and you were just thinking of what would be best - I can't see fault in that and the rest of your family members should have probably just supported your decision as it was a decision that effected your household and not theirs yes...??
maybe your mom will be okay with a lot of family nearby to help so maybe you can relax and not worry so much there - as far as your father goes - you just had brain surgery - take care of you - your husband would probably like to see you healthy and live another day....
alcoholics have to want to help themselves and reach rock bottom before get the big picture of what they are doing to the people around them.
you could be crying and stressing out for a long time before your father "gets" what he is doing to his family....
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Life is a long lesson in humility.
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finz
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/17/08
Posts: 6495
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Your dad has to want to help himself. As Matar said, he'll probably have to hit rock bottom before he'll do that........and he can't hit rock bottom if you are there to help him out. Let him be homeless. If he has lived in a country for this long without learning any of the language.......it's his own fault. He'll have to learn now.
Listen to your husband.....you need to get healthy for your own family now.
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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Stay out of your mom AND dad's issue, but he's STILL your dad. Try helping him without putting yourself in the middle. Find the shelters for him, find out the process, find an interpreter, whatever he needs, then steer him there. You don't need him in your home with the current situation and your stress, but you don't need to stress over how he'll survive either. So give him the boost to survive, but not in your own home. Your stress will go down and your family won't get so upset over it.
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Char Fox
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worriedmomz
recently joined
Reged: 09/18/08
Posts: 12
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Matar you are right, he has to hit rock bottom.
Update: i guess he went to court bc my sisters found out he doesn't live with me anymore. They're asking what hapened and why, but i'm not even answering my phone. For the 8 days he was with me, nobody even called to see if we needed anything(and they know i'm struggling, being that i had to stay home for 6 weeks after my surgery and my husband got laid off when i was in the hospital, i've only been back to work for 3 weeks). Anyways, i just feel so much anger towards them. I think i saw my dad this morning on my way to work..he was driving..or i might be seing things. I just need to learn how to let go. I keep telling myself, if my mother is okay with not knowing what happens to him, maybe i really shouldn't care. Well, i haven't talked to anybody in the last week so i don't even know what's going on with the PO and what happened in court. My dad knows a lawyer that speaks our language, she was the one that bailed him out..MY DAD JUST CALLED ME, asking for his pain medicine, i'm scared to give it to him, maybe he wants to overdose.
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ILMimi
addict
Reged: 01/03/08
Posts: 502
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I found that going to Al-Anon meetings gave me some answers and some peace when I was living with my alcoholic/drug addict ex. Contact your local hospital- I'm sure they have a listing of meeting places or can point you in the right direction.
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worriedmomz
recently joined
Reged: 09/18/08
Posts: 12
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I definetly will, because i'm going crazy wondering if he's okay.
Thank You.
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I_am_YesDad
member
Reged: 09/20/08
Posts: 135
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[quote]my mom has a PO against my dad. they've been married 33 years and he's been abusive 25 (my whole life). My whole family turned their backs on my dad, i let him stay with me, with one rule-no drinking (alcoholic). He got drunk last night, i took him to detox (he doesn't really speak english, so he doesn't know he can leave) this morning he was supposed to go to court, judge was going to decide if he'll extend PO, i don't even know if he went. He has no job, no money, nowhere to stay(he has his car). I hate myself for feeling bad for him, but i also get mad, bc i went through so many arguments with my husband over my dad, just so he can come home drunk, like it doesn't even matter.
I don't know where he's going to go, what he's going to eat, i don't think he knows where the homeless shelter is. I never thought i would see my father like this and it hurts. On top of that some of my familly members got mad at me for taking my dad in, but i never wanted to see him on the streets, obviously he didn't care. I just recently had serious brain surgery, so i'm not supposed stress out, ironic.... Why do i feel like this affects me more than anybody else in my family? Don't get me wrong, i also feel so sorry for my mother. Bless her heart. I love them both so much and i don't know the right thing to do. To my knowledge, she doesn't want divorce, she wants time to think, separate. I feel like it would be better for them to divorce, bc at least my dad would get half, or however it goes, but maybe then he could afford a place to stay. My mom has a lot of family here, so i knwo she's going to be okay. I'm tired of crying and stressing out. Should i just stay out of it? Any advice will help.. [/quote]
You love your Dad and bless your heart for doing so, although Finz is right, he needs to learn English..jeez..
But it was me, I would help him. Would you let your mother wander the streets? Or your husbands? If the answer is no to either, help him. But seriously, he needs to learn to speak the language.
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worriedmomz
recently joined
Reged: 09/18/08
Posts: 12
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over the weekend, i found out he's staying in a shelter and he picked up a little part-time job. I guess i underestimated him. Now that he is not with me,everybody wants to help him, my sister put him in a hotel on friday and filled up his car, my other sis did his laundry and let him take a shower and now my mom calls me everyday. I guess i should've listened to my mother-in-law as well, when she said "Men are always going to be all right, they're Men". I can tell my mom misses him, but my father needs to stop drinking and after all the talks i had with him, he still doesn't see that drinking is the cause of all his problems. Now i can sleep at night, bc even though it hurts that he sleeps in a shelter, i know he's okay. He knows what we want him to do(rehab), now he just needs to realize that his drinking IS A PROBLEM. Thank you guys for all your advice.
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I_am_YesDad
member
Reged: 09/20/08
Posts: 135
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I'd sleep like a baby if my Dad was sleeping in a homeless shelter
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