lostwithouther
recently joined
Reged: 11/03/08
Posts: 3
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I have never joined a forum like this, or any forum for that matter. I am writing because I don’t know what else to do and I am looking for any help I can get. My wife wants a divorce but I do not. We have been married nearly nine years and have two wonderful children ages 2 and 4. We have known each other since fourth grade. We started dating early in college and never looked back. I’m not one to brag, but we had one of those relationships that made people cringe – we were so in love! Soon after our marriage I started medical school, then residency. My wife has been by my side through thick and thin. She has been my support, my rock.
She is the romantic type, the optimist, the care free, live day by day and soak it all in, the emotional one. She is precious. I am the more logical type, the “realist”. And bottum line, I messed it all up. I did a horrible job meeting her emotional needs. She is a “words of affirmation” type. Showing emotions has always been a challenge for me. I showed her I loved her my saying “I love you” daily, by leaving her notes, by always saying “thank you”, by letting her be free to spend time with friends whenever she needed. What I didn’t do is give her the one type of love she needed – the emotions, the vulnerability, the words of affirmation, the compliments. All of this was in my mind on a daily basis, but I never, or rarely expressed it. Over the years she kept telling herself that someday I would meet these needs, that once the stress and time of residency was over, I would show her this. Meanwhile she lost part of who she was.
This last year she has become very involved in teaching yoga. She feeds off of it. She feeds off the compliments and gratitude people express to her. She is great at what she does. The areas of our marriage that were not being met by me are now being met by other people. There hasn’t been any infidelity, but I know she has thoughts about it, we have talked about it recently.
The last week and a half have changed my life, when she told me she was no longer in love with me. I have cried more in this time than I ever have. She responds with hugs and kisses, but tells me all she feels is sadness as if I was just a friend; no romantic feelings at all. I have told her over and over again my remorse, my anger at myself for not meeting the needs that are important to her. She broke down, feeling a sense of relief that I had finally figured things out. She is not optimistic about us and states if it weren’t for the kids, she would have already left. We have agreed on marriage counseling, which starts in a few days. I am more in love with my wife than I ever have been. I know I can change and show her the appreciation she deserves. But I also know it is too little, too late.
I would appreciate any responses, words of encouragement, ideas, or anything. I am desperate.
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christine1
addict
Reged: 04/21/08
Posts: 439
Loc: Ma
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HI,
I am so sorry for what you are going through! All I can say is take the marriage counseling very seriously and do all you can to let her know just how much you love her. Sometimes during the course of a marriage people fall in and out of love ( I think that is normal). Hopefully things will turn around for you, you seem to really love your wife. Good Luck!
Christine
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lostwithouther
recently joined
Reged: 11/03/08
Posts: 3
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thank for the reply. The latest news is that we are going to separate. We are still communicating open and honestly about everything. Ultimately, she feels very detached from me, detachment that has been adding up over the years. She still communicates that she cares about me deeply, respects me and isn't completely throwing in the towel yet. She feels that the only way things could possibly work out is if she has time by herself and doesn't have to come home to the stress, emotions, etc of living together. She says she needs time to think and put it all together; time to figure out what she wants. I understand her rationale, but am still hurt and struggling with separation. Any advice? How do I continue to show her that I am capable of giving her and meeting her needs if we are separated?
Thanks for reading and I look forward to any advice, comments, etc.
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christine1
addict
Reged: 04/21/08
Posts: 439
Loc: Ma
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Hi,
That is tough................ All I can say is try not to smother. Go out for dates, try to find what you lost along the way. Sending flowers, nice notes and being attentive to her needs may help her to realize that the marriage can be saved and the love rekindled.
I don't say this to upset you but are you sure that there is no one else?
Good Luck and stay strong.
Christine
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lostwithouther
recently joined
Reged: 11/03/08
Posts: 3
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Christine1............no, i am not sure there isn't anyone else. However, we have been laying it all out there with communication. She has told me about her thoughts of other guys, a particular guy several months ago with whom she states she doesn't know if she would have stopped an advance by him. So who knows. I believe her when she says there has been no physical affair. I also know, as does she, that she is walking a very thin line with emotional affairs. It is something she is struggling with right now. Despite how much this hurts me, I also, in some regards, can't blame her. All I can do is hope our relationship strengthens so she doesn't feel like, or want to go else where for her emotional needs. She knows that I feel very strongly about crossing the line, doing something that is in my mind not repairable, not amendable to fixing. Any thoughts, advice? Thanks.
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christine1
addict
Reged: 04/21/08
Posts: 439
Loc: Ma
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Hi,
It puzzles me that she wants to live apart if she is truly committed to trying to salvage your marriage. On the other hand, maybe space would help her to figure out her feelings. I am just hoping space doesn't give her an excuse to cross the line.
You are going to counseling though and for her to be willing to do that means something. You sound like a man who has his head on straight and knows what his priorities are now. Somehow you just need to convince her that she is number 1, that you can get your love for eachother back and on and on...................
I wish you the best of luck! Will say a prayer for you. I truly believe they work!
Take care of yourself,
Christine
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senorita2007
recently joined
Reged: 11/06/08
Posts: 1
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hi,
I am so happy to know that you are willing to change your basic character for the sake of saving your marriage.Hats off. I am actually sailing in the same boat as your wife. My husband is very reserved with compliments, verbal display of love and affirmations.I used to feel so lost, depressed and emotionally insecure.
If i were you, I would give her the time and wait patiently. If you are uncomfortable to express compliments and feelings of affection directly make it a habit to text or email from work place, because I have always yearned that from my husband. Take some big step and show a grand gesture to bring her back and give her a confidence in this marriage...
all the best.
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7136
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It makes me sad when I hear of people who want to throw it all away because "the spark is gone" or because they "are not in love" at a given moment. We live in such an instant gratification era that people don't see that all relationships involve work. It's so much easier to throw something away that doesn't work at the moment than to take the time to fix it. We don't run out and get new kids when they aren't behaving as we'd like. Please realize that not being able to meet every needs she has doesn't mean all of the blame is on you. Just because she isn't happy doesn't mean it's all your fault. Accept some ofthe blame because it takes 2, but don't put it all on you.
I don't really have any advice but I sure hope she realizes that the grass isn't greener and different doesn't mean better before it's too late.
--------------------
When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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Annie7676
old hand
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 862
Loc: NY
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I may get bashed but I was married for almost 30 yrs...like you everyone thought we were the perfect couple...but X left...didn't love me anymore.....
I would say yes go to marriage counseling..try to save it but from my cynical seat she wants out and as hard as it is, let her go...does she work? does she have a career? Your pursuit of a career is a hard and long one...no one is perfect...if you love someone you dont let little things block it...thats an excuse..I do not buy it...
I am sorry to sound so terribly harsh but when my X told me he wanted out, the best thing in retrospect even though it was incredibly painful is to have just let him go...I would have moved on much faster to recovery and you know what if they do love they will come back...but trying to save a dead marriage is futile.
Focus on your children, keep busy, do the counseling, whatever you can but you may need to resign yourself that its done...
I am so sorry to say that but reality can really bite sometimes.
I wish you all the luck in the world and hope that your marriage is saved....
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JasOnGReasY
newbie
Reged: 05/17/08
Posts: 28
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http://www.squidoo.com/savemarriagenow
read and download that book. It will be the best $50 you ever spent.
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hopeornot
recently joined
Reged: 11/17/08
Posts: 1
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Very interesting topics because the same thing is happening to me with some slight differences. I just like lostwithouther forgot the small stuff with my wife. While I was working, an old college boyfriend from over 10 years ago started emailing my wife. Now she feels she is in love with him again. He is very romantic and the one she always regrets leaving.
She wants a separation to 'clear her head', but she will see him while we are separated. I have asked her why she won't go straight to a divorce if he is her heart's desire, but she says she doesn't want a divorce. We do have young children.
She says she loves me, but doesn't know if she loves me like a wife should love a husband. she will not go to marriage counseling right now, but might see a counselor on her own.
Any thoughts?
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Annie7676
old hand
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 862
Loc: NY
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Again, after going through a LTM ending and being on these MB's, I would say try to save it but if your gut says it isn't working, then you can save yourself much emotional heartbreak by just letting her go. If one partner wants out they want out.
Sure she doesn't want a divorce because she wants to check this out with old BF..understandable but hey this is real life and what are you supposed to do while she asks you to wait and makes you put your life on hold. If you can handle this, its one thing but if not, move forward with the divorce.
Seek a free consult with a lawyer, know your rights, know what will happen so if it does you are prepared and have taken the necessary steps to do it. That may get her attention.
And I dont buy for one bit that forgetting the small stuff makes one stray...sure it has an impact but once the word divorce enters a marriage, somehow those small things can get lost in the shuffle when the harsh reality of divorce comes to play.
Divorce is very hard and equally so when there are kids involved.
Good luck to you and I hope you can save your marriage.
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