sadie46
member
Reged: 04/21/06
Posts: 186
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My intentions is not for my kids to hate their father and vice versa. But I have seen things that have hurt my kids by untruths and they have believed them. That is what troubles me. I have asked the kids to meet with me at some time with a counselor so that they know what the real concerns I have and how it affects them and our relationship.
3 months after filing, son announces he wants to get married to high school sweetheart 2 months later. Within a week of finding out, our trial was scheduled the day before his wedding. I called my lawyer and ask to postpone either earlier or later. He called ex lawyer and explained. I was forwarded a letter from ex lawyer that says she knows about the wedding and her client will not do a continuence. I called ex and said why are you doing this..it's our son's wedding and you can change it. He says out of my hand..which I knew different. 3 days before wedding, his lawyer calls mine and says, "I think the trial will be bad for everyone and my client will agree to continue". Things like this went on where he didn't even care about my kids feelings. I know that I can't change some things that went on and wouldn't want to hurt them, but ex has been vindictive and that in turns affects us all.
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nolonger
enthusiast
Reged: 09/15/08
Posts: 305
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Quote:
I don't think telling your kids the 'truth' at this point would be of any benefit to you. They don't want to know all of that - I can almost promise you that.
My parents divorced when I was 2 (I'm 30 now). I have been told stories of the other from both sides - my stance has always been the same - their issues with each other are NOT my issues.
Honestly I don't care if my Dad beat my mom senseless, or if she slept with all his friends, family and his dog. Obviously I care in the capacity of how it effected their lives, but not in the sense of it altering or changing the relationship I have with either of them.
What it boils down to is that each of them is my parent, and I love them - yes even their flaws that I am very aware of. It's much like the: I can make fun of my brother as much as I want and that's ok because I know that *I* love him - but lord help ANYone else that might make fun of him - that's just not ok. It kind of works that way with divorced parents too.
If you push this need for your kids to know the 'truth' or 'see the light' you will push them right out of your life. Instead just focus on YOUR relationship with your kids. You can not 'judge' the quality of your relationship with them when you compare it to any other relationship (i.e. their Dad and his family) they may have. You are 50% responsible for the relationship that you have with them, they own the other 50%. Work on your 50% that's really all you can do.
And don't forget - your kids are still growing and figuring out their own morals/values/path in life - and it is ever changing. Their needs change, maybe right now they need something from Dad and his family more. Maybe you and your family give something to your kids that your not even aware of - but I promise every person in their life has a place - and NONE is 'more important' than another. Kids of divorce learn to adapt, balance, utilize people/things in ways that benefit them most - because they have HAD to, to make it through it. Remember YOU and your Ex divorced - the kids didn't divorce either of you. You and your Ex put them in the position of having to 'choose' - sure you both have your reasons for it - but that doesn't change that your kids now are having to deal with the mess you guys made the best that they can. Give them a break. And trust me whining and guilt trips will NOT work.
Just my 2 cents as an adult child of divorce...
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johnson27
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 07/31/08
Posts: 2435
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sadie - have the kids specifically asked you any questions regarding what their father has told them or what happened? If so, then answer the questions truthfully.
If they have not asked then i would not bring it up. It will make you look like you are blaming or "pointing fingers", for lack of a better word. Actions speak louder than words anyhow. So the details don't really matter about who's to blame, they just want to be loved by the both of you and dont' want to be dragged into an arm pulling battle.
I really know how you feel. My ex left our children's lives when we divorced. When he would make contact once in a blue moon, he would make excuses about his absence, such as he's been busy working, which he wasn't working at all, he was selling and doing drugs. Or make broken promises, such as telling our son he bought a 4 wheeler for him, and our daughter that he bought her a cell phone. He's even told them before that i wouldn't let him see them. He was in jail!, But he didn't want to tell them that, so instead he blamed it on me. Then he hangs up with them and we don't hear from him for another several months.
It gets stressful at times, here i am supporting the two of them, loving the two of them, and doing the best that i can while my ex has dropped all of his responsibility and doesn't seem to care an ounce about our kids. That's when i just want to tell them the truth. Tell them the lies, and tell them that i'm the one that has been taking care of them. But i don't. Because if i do, then i'm no better than him. I'm harming them just as much.
My kids aren't as old as yours, and you say your ex is the master of deception, but honestly, those kids love him just as much as they love you and i'm sure that even if they have the slightest doubt of his stories, they still don't want to believe that either one of you are doing anything wrong. My kids love ExH more than anything else in this world, even with all the let downs, disapointments, they actually don't see it as being let downs, my son still believes ExH has a 4wheeler for him, and my daughter still believes she has a cell phone that her father bought her. It really breaks my heart.
Just love them, show them your love, reach out to show them more love if you have to. Even though they are technically adults, they still might not have had enough experience to look at the situation in an "adult" manner. Things will work out!
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Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
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Rosie7
recently joined
Reged: 09/28/08
Posts: 6
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Sadie, different ages, similar situation. I think I tried to make their father's image so much better because my father died when I was 4. Maybe it's a mistake because it comes back to bite you. I'm sorry you are hurting so much because this pain I'm in is torture and I can't get any relief without making myself look really bad. God Bless you and I hope it gets easier.
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Yes_Dad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 08/23/08
Posts: 7406
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Quote:
Sadie,
It "sounds" like you want the children to "hate" their father for what he did to you.
It won't happen. You can show them anything you want. Kids of divorce assume both parents lie.
You can "build up" your relationship w/ the kids not by "tearing down" their beliefs in their father but by getting therapy, becoming whole again, and becoming a person the children WANT to be around.
Personally, I would not make my kids "choose" between who they wanted to be with over the holidays. Holidays are only a day on the calendar.
My family is far flung. We all get together and have "Thanksgiving" when it is convienent for us; not when the calendar tells us too.
HTH.
I read your original first post about the paperwork mix up
WTF did you write a motion to end visitation then come here asking how to have it resumed? I understand your problem but now you got what you wished for.
How did he "just take them"? What were the abuse charges? Evidently dismissed. You looked to slap him and you did. Now you are talking about him serving time (I have no idea why, must be a CS issue or he won't be serving time).
You say "do I ask that regular visitation to be resumed which is what the boys will desperately want? " and then say they are "frustrated". Frustrated with what?
YOU are the one who sought to end visitation with your motion. You are the one who did it to the kids TOO. You both have problems with each other and learning to co-parent. You could have simply filed a motion asking for supervised visitation since he seems to have a problem returning them, not slap him and end it. Your kids are going to grow up hating your guts.
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