moms3kids
recently joined
Reged: 01/11/09
Posts: 24
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Ok first of all, this is all so so new to me, i though i was happily married till Christmas Eve... come to find out there's another women also. Ok so i'm passed the shocked stage, i'm not quite as ticked off as i should be for some reason yet. Anyways we are going to see a lawyer on thursday together for mediation. We were able to sit and talk about everything, think was have it all laid out but we'll see come thursday.
Anyways we have 3 kids we own our home that we are all still staying in, him on the couch, works nights anyways... but he keeps pushing and pushing for me to get a place and get out. well we live in a pretty small town i'm not moving the kids into some crappy little place just to please him. But i'm wanting a 3 bed room house to rent and it could be spring before i'm able to find one. He's more ticked off then. I'm just wondering how long i can stay in this house with the kids if we end up filing hopefully by the first of Feb.
Also he isn't going for putting a cohabitation clause in the papers. I think we need one, first of all i don't want my kids around some this women i know i can't totally stop it but the no sleep overs would put me at rest, i mean he's only going to have the kids every other friday and saturday night. seriously so she can stay with him any other time except when the kids are there. so what eives shoudl i push this is it worth it? How do i push it???
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7135
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You don't have to leave until someone is ordered out. In my situation we were both ordered out when the house sold as neither of us could afford to keep it. My x decided, on his own, to move to his parents house a couple of months before that. No one put him out.
Yes, I would definitely have the no sleeps overs clause put in. There is really no reason for it not to be unless he is planning to move her in, which I guess would mean she would need to stay at a friends or a hotel 4 nights a month unless he plans to marry her right away. You push it by telling him that it applies to both of you and that it is in the best interest of the kids to make sure that they don't have random people moving in and out of their lives.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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moms3kids
recently joined
Reged: 01/11/09
Posts: 24
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yep i tried that the clause that it applies to both of us, he says he doesn't need some clause telling him what's ethically moral when the kids are with him, well i'd say yes he does since he wasn't ethically moral enough to divorce me before moving on. seriously. He's not bending on it, but then again he doesn't have a lawyer either... i'm not sure what to do now. if i push it's going to turn into a big battle and string out. on the other hand no i sure as heck don't want this women moving into my house where my kids are going to be even if it is only every other weekend.
If we got joint custidy is it wrote in the divorce that it's joint and that he gets every other weekend? or is that a verbale agreement as to when he actully get the kids? that i can modify once the divorce is over?
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
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The parenting time will be written into the decree and will be very specific. The parties can agree to alter it after the fact but it is there to protect the NCP's minimum time. Just be prepared that if he does ask for more time he will more than likely get it. Him cheating on you makes him a lousy husband but doesn't , in itself prove he's not a good dad. In most states joint legal custody is presumed. There a re a few that hold out and insist on one peron having sole custody.
The truth is you are probably not going to get through this without things getting ugly and it will be up to you to decide if this clause is an issue worth pushing. I'd say that you will both have to explain your position to a judge if it gets that far and more than likely a judge is going to rule on the side of protecting the children. My guess is if he had no intention of having her there over night he wouldn't care if there is a clause. You are right in saying that you can't keep him from having her around them but there isn't a reason for her to spend the night. It could also depend on where you are located as to how easy it is. If you are in a bible belt state you will more than likely get your way.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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moms3kids
recently joined
Reged: 01/11/09
Posts: 24
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He's 1/2 the reason that she lost her job, so i'm wondering if she's not going to be able to keep the place she's in on unemployment and he's thinking she could move in here, but she has two kids to and is still married (separated but not legally).
We're in Indiana not sure if that's good or bad?
I'm pretty sure that's why he wants me out of this house so bad is so she can come over, stay, move whatever the hell he's going to do. I wonder if he's going into this w/o a lawyer then i could get the clause added in w/o him knowing it. We agreed to just use the lawyer we have for mediation and then he will represent me and huband will sign off on it. he wants out of this fast and quick for and giving on EVERYTHING except this on thing.
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icwal
enthusiast
Reged: 11/19/07
Posts: 334
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Do not move out!!! I am going through the same situation you are (but alot more uglier than yours), however since I filed over a year ago we are still in the same house together (and yes it sucks). I have a no tresspassing order out that will not allow her to come onto our property. I only have 1 child that is under 18 (well she just turned 18 today), however I stated that in no circumstance is she allowed around his Gilrfriend (I figure if my STBX had a problem with that he could take me to court since there are no custody issues since we are still living together). There are days that I can't stand being here but my lawyer said not to move out because he will move her in (which is most liekly what is going to happen to you). Stay put, don't talk to him under no circumstance, get yourself a lawyer if you haven't already, and stand your ground. ALso try to make sure that you have a witness around when you 2 are together in the same house. You don't want him to file a PFA or RO which would force you to move out.
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7135
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Being in IN is like being on the fence. LOL The southern part of the sate is pretty conservative, closer to Chicago not so much. I don't think you can sneak it in without him knowing but if your attorney puts it in, he doesn't read it and signs it oh well. He's not too smart to not have representation and for his sake I hope he understands that attorney doesn't represent him and won't give him advice (my x wanted me to do that. "It will save sooooo much money". I told him no way in hell! LOL) At any rate I will say again.....DO NOT MOVE OUT. If he is so gung ho to live seperate lives let him move out. Tell him you like it there for now and aren't going any place unless you're ordered to.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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Yes_Dad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 08/23/08
Posts: 7406
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Quote:
Being in IN is like being on the fence. LOL The southern part of the sate is pretty conservative, closer to Chicago not so much. I don't think you can sneak it in without him knowing but if your attorney puts it in, he doesn't read it and signs it oh well. He's not too smart to not have representation and for his sake I hope he understands that attorney doesn't represent him and won't give him advice (my x wanted me to do that. "It will save sooooo much money". I told him no way in hell! LOL) At any rate I will say again.....DO NOT MOVE OUT. If he is so gung ho to live seperate lives let him move out. Tell him you like it there for now and aren't going any place unless you're ordered to.
Illinois is the same. If you aren't in Chicago (or Cook County) and the 5 or 6 collar counties, you might as well be in Hooterville. Completely different world. A 180 from anywhere 100 mile south or west of the city. Different worlds politically and morally. I would have a hard time recognizing anyone from downstate or much further west than I am. Most of it is farming communities and VERY small towns. My suburb would be considered a large "city"
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moms3kids
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Reged: 01/11/09
Posts: 24
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We are in the smack middle of the state of indiana near the IL state line. We are going to see 'my' lawyer today but he's going with me. I will move as soon as i find somewhere that's big enough for me and the kids. I'm trying to find something he might want from me to use as a way to bargen this thing in but i just don't think he'll agree to it. and i'm sure he'll look for it since i've brough it up. besides he's already said he'd just get engaged if that's what it took. I guess i'll just ride this out as long as i can in this house since it's in both out names i know for sure he won't be able to refinance to get my name off for years. and when he does refinace i'm going to ask for $50K back that my grandparents gifted us when we bough it 3 years ago.
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Yes_Dad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 08/23/08
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Quote:
We are in the smack middle of the state of indiana near the IL state line. We are going to see 'my' lawyer today but he's going with me. I will move as soon as i find somewhere that's big enough for me and the kids. I'm trying to find something he might want from me to use as a way to bargen this thing in but i just don't think he'll agree to it. and i'm sure he'll look for it since i've brough it up. besides he's already said he'd just get engaged if that's what it took. I guess i'll just ride this out as long as i can in this house since it's in both out names i know for sure he won't be able to refinance to get my name off for years. and when he does refinace i'm going to ask for $50K back that my grandparents gifted us when we bough it 3 years ago.
Fair or not, the $50K is a marital asset unless protected by a notarized agreement or prenuptial. And if you can't agree, the judge will order the house sold with you splitting the proceeds according to your percent of the division of assets.
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moms3kids
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Reged: 01/11/09
Posts: 24
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I kinda figured that but thanks, he's agreed that if he sells the house i will get all proceeds up to $50K back and he claims he will make the effort to repay it to me but we arent' sure how it can be put into the agreement. he says even if he refinaces the house and adds the $50K in there's no way he could make the house payment, that he's hardly going to be able to make the payment the way they are now. So i guess that's something eles we need to still talk about.
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Debi
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It's unlikely ou will get the 50k back. Once that money was put into marital property it became marital property (unless there was something signed stating it is yours if you divorce). My x tried this. His parents gave us 10k toward the down payment on our home. I told him I'd make sure he got the 10k back (we walked away with about 15k after the bank was paid.) I thought that was fair....he got 10k and I'd take 5. Nope he wanted 12,500 and to give me 2500. It got split 50/50 because he was greedy and said he'd let a judge decide.
As for the comment about getting engaged.....that's exactly why you need to push for the clause. Tell that one to the judge and you'll get it for sure. I'd say if he doesn't agree let the courts decide.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7135
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kinda figured that but thanks, he's agreed that if he sells the house i will get all proceeds up to $50K back and he claims he will make the effort to repay it to me but we arent' sure how it can be put into the agreement. he says even if he refinaces the house and adds the $50K in there's no way he could make the house payment, that he's hardly going to be able to make the payment the way they are now. So i guess that's something eles we need to still talk about.
Tell him you've decided the house is just going to be sold. He would have to have it refinanced before the divorce is final or within so much time (say 60-90 days) of the divorce being final. If he can't afford it then he can't and if he finds out he can't move your replacement in he's not going to want it anyway.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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moms3kids
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Reged: 01/11/09
Posts: 24
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well we saw the lawyer today my lawyer but he's going to do this for both of us. He said they just add a clause into the divorce that says you are responsible for this dept you for this if you dont pay your incontempt of court if the other party has to pay it. they can finalise this with out getting my name of the house
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7135
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they can finalise this with out getting my name of the house
Then I would say it needs to be sold. You really want to let him live there and be responsible for half of the house? It goes into forclosure it's in your name too. He trashes it and it needs 20k worth of work you're liable for half (until you take him to court for it) Back taxes? Half your responsibility. Think this one through very, VERY carefully. The credit bureau doesn't give a furry rats rear end who is responsible per court order. They are coming after both of you.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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Yes_Dad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 08/23/08
Posts: 7406
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Quote:
I kinda figured that but thanks, he's agreed that if he sells the house i will get all proceeds up to $50K back and he claims he will make the effort to repay it to me but we arent' sure how it can be put into the agreement. he says even if he refinaces the house and adds the $50K in there's no way he could make the house payment, that he's hardly going to be able to make the payment the way they are now. So i guess that's something eles we need to still talk about.
You need more than "making an effort". You'll never see the money
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jaiye
old hand
Reged: 10/27/05
Posts: 860
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Mom
Do not sign a "quit Claim" deed before he refinances that house. If he can't refi it then make him sell it. If you sign off on the house and he doesn't make the payments it will trash your credit along with his. You attorney should never advise you to sign off on it without making him refinance it if he is working for you.
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moms3kids
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Reged: 01/11/09
Posts: 24
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Ok i dont' want to see this house sold, i know he's not going to be able to refinace it out of my name, he just can't... but i do have this on my side... he loves his job, he's lived for the job he has now for his whole life, he's wanted forever and will do anything to keep it. Anyways well he's a cop so if he does not make payment even one missed payment all i do is take it back to my lawyer he's in contempt of court right and well he'll lose his job, his life, the kids, ect so really why would he not make the payments??? Also i'll have to ask if the lawyer can write it this way but we wanted it to say something alone the lines of ... if a payment is missed, accounts be come delinquent then i get the house back and he will NOT be able to take an equity loan out or sell unless he can pay me $25K (about 2/3 of the equity now) so 1/2 of what i put into it i mean i have take into account what he's put into it also, the land, the labor, ect ect as much as i dont' want to give him credit. but still...
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