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beachmommy
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Reged: 01/29/09
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Visitation
      #498436 - 01/29/09 06:25 AM

My husband and iare going through the process to get our marriage disolved. well we have agreed on everything down to what spoons and knifes he keeps. the only problem is visitation of our daughter who is 21 months. i am all for her seeing him and him being a part of her life. but he wants to trade every other year (like he keeps her for a year then i have her for a year) im not all for that. she is still a baby when he deployed she was very little so all she has known is me. then when he came home he hasnt been home alot so yetagain im all she knows she knows that he is dad but still isnt very comfortable being left alone with him. plus we have agreed i will move back to my home state. we have agreed on 50/50 for tickets for visitation its just when he gets visitation. please help. i justwant my daughter to feel safe and happy where she is. please help. what do you feel is an appropriate visitation schedule for a 21 month old? at the moment we are considered stationed over seas so just to have her thatfar away would be hard on her and me.

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elliesmom
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Re: Visitation [Re: beachmommy]
      #498472 - 01/29/09 09:02 AM

Ok, I went and had a cup of coffee so hopefully this will be less bytchy than the last one I typed and erased.

If your daughter doesn't "know" her dad. That is your fault. My husband was gone from the time my twins were 8 months old until they were 17 months old. And they called him Daddy when they saw him. We had pictures and video of him and we talked about him every day. Because I APPRECIATED that he has no choice about when/where he works and that his job allowed me to care for our children without working myself. So given that this is NOT his fault - I think it is royally unfair for you to use that as a reason that your child should be further separated from her father. Or that somehow it hurts you more than him to have her far away. The sad fact is one of you will be missing her for the rest of her childhood. I see no reason why it should be more on him.

Frankly, your plan to move home sounds great for you, but sucky for your child. She shouldn't at 21 months be in a position where she has to miss EITHER of her parents for months at a time. Ideally - you two would live in the same town so you both could always be close to her. If that can't happen then I think 50-50 is still a good option. I don't see why it needs to be year to year right now. Obviously when she starts school it would be necessary and she'd be older, but for now a couple weeks here and there would seem to be a better choice. Even every other month would be better. You can write up a decree that addresses changes based on her getting older.

The good news for you is the changes in her are about to taper off. Personally between the ages of 0-2 years I felt like they were new kids every day and it would have been very difficult to miss any of it. Between 2-3 the big changes are language - and you don't have to miss any of that if you can get her to talk on the phone or to a webcam with you (and him) while she is in the other's care. At 3 I think the changes REALLY taper off.

--------------------
Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.


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Redlegg
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Re: Visitation [Re: elliesmom]
      #498490 - 01/29/09 10:02 AM

at the moment we are considered stationed over seas so just to have her thatfar away would be hard on her and me.

I am guessng Alaska or Hawaii, and the COL there plus the economy might not make it possible to stay. That might also be a reason for the annual thing right now, just the cost of flying so much. But EM is right, what can you do to insure your child does know her father, as a parent and not not some distant guy she just calls dad.........


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shortmarriage
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Re: Thanks for sparing us [Re: elliesmom]
      #498526 - 01/29/09 12:06 PM

elliesmom wrote:
"Ok, I went and had a cup of coffee so hopefully this will be less bytchy than the last one I typed and erased."


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Miranda
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Re: [Re: shortmarriage]
      #498590 - 01/29/09 02:26 PM

[quote]elliesmom wrote:
"Ok, I went and had a cup of coffee so hopefully this will be less bytchy than the last one I typed and erased." [/quote]

Yes she did type that.

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matart1
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Re: Visitation [Re: elliesmom]
      #498621 - 01/29/09 03:17 PM

I'm glad you took the time to be nice because I can't find it in me to say anything nice to the poster that will benefit the situation - what a low life...

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Life is a long lesson in humility.


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beachmommy
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Re: Visitation [Re: matart1]
      #498673 - 01/29/09 07:40 PM

ok first of all that is not my fault. when he came home she knew who her father was i had videos and pictures and she talked to him just as much as i did. HE came home and spent all his spare time with his friends getting drunk while i was home with my daughter. HE was the one not spending his time with his daughter. i have gave him all the oppertunities (offering to have them go out by themselves to the zoo or out at the park just them)to have his daughter know him and im not wanting to take her out of his life. as soon as his enlistment ends he will be moving back to be closer to us. i can't afford on my own to be living in Alaska with my daughter. i have offered counseling, anger management for the both of us, everything i can to keep this going for the sake of my child. i came here to get an answer to a question that really does trouble me because i am watching her fade from her father. Ideally he would be home and spending time with her before he deploys again because thats what parents do they compromise their old partying days to be with the one they created. so does anyone have an actual answer because im willing to work on the visitation. i have no problem with every other month but he has to show the court he isnt going to be putting holes through our walls when he gets mad at her like the 3 holes we have in our house right now.

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beachmommy
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Reged: 01/29/09
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Re: Visitation [Re: beachmommy]
      #498676 - 01/29/09 07:51 PM

we have also agreed on the webcams and phone calls. i am all willing to making sure he has his time with her. he will have full responsibilty to make decisions for her, but as my husband and i sat down to talk about this, this morning his reason for having her is so he has the extra money he would be getting for her.

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shortmarriage
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Re: This Forum [Re: beachmommy]
      #498690 - 01/29/09 08:54 PM

You will find posters who give great advice and support. But, you will also find (way too often) other posters who have nothing better to do than pick a fight whenever they have a chance.

I hope you find some of the support you came here seeking.


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Redlegg
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Re: This Forum [Re: shortmarriage]
      #498707 - 01/29/09 10:41 PM

Its tough to give an answer, a scenario is presented, discussed, and suddenly the father is made out to be a violent drunk who cannot control his anger. That is very different than the original picture. Makes you wonder what else is missing.

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