walstib
recently joined
Reged: 12/02/04
Posts: 9
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I can use some advice from those who’ve been there, done that. Here’s my situation:
I married my wife about five years ago. She’s divorced with two kids. This is my first marriage and I have no kids. We have custody of the children and her ex is nearby. He has them every other weekend.
During the first year or so of our marriage, wife’s ex paid his child support in full and on time for the most part. Then he lost his job and stopped paying or paid very little for over a year until he found a new job. Since his new job and for the past couple of years, he hasn’t been paying the amount he used to pay before he lost his job. He has been paying steadily though. My wife claims that she’s been on him, but he claims he cannot afford more than what he gives. According to my wife, during the most recent conversation she had with her ex, he told her the more she pushes him regarding child support payments, the more he considers disappearing or killing himself.
Meanwhile, my income and my wife’s income hasn’t increased much at all since we first got married, although the cost of raising two kids (both girls now twelve and fifteen years old) has increased significantly. Orthodontia for both, clothing, extracurricular activities, etc., etc. And here I am, trying to find another job to supplement our income, trying to create a detailed household budget, and trying to figure out how to adjust my already simple lifestyle and cut back on my own personal expenses so our checking account stops going below zero month after month after month. We’ve got no savings, no emergency fund, and not much invested for retirement. Resentment is building.
My wife is easy going and non-confrontational. She hasn’t kept records of what her ex was supposed to be paying based on whatever salary he’s been earning. She hasn’t kept records of the kids’ health care expenses not covered by insurance, which her ex was supposed to contribute equally to. I’m starting to feel like both my wife and her ex are taking advantage of me and it’s got to stop. So now I’m studying her marital settlement agreement and learning about child support laws. More resentment… Why the hell is it my responsibility to determine and enforce the terms of her divorce?
Our kitchen is practically falling apart, major appliances are dying, bathroom falling apart too. Wife and I agree we need to sink money into our house, but we can’t save a dime. I do not want to be a slave to debt, so I don’t want to borrow a lot to get the much needed work done. At the same time, wife buys kids a new computer on credit, gets a more expensive cell phone account and an extra phone for the teen, sends other kid to private gymnastic lessons, and repeatedly talks about how we need to replace her ten year old car.
I’m reaching out here because I really don’t have anyone else to talk to about these things.
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qeggleston1
recently joined
Reged: 12/01/04
Posts: 10
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If your wife haven't done so, she needs to seek child support through the courts. If she has an order for support, she should consider getting the case reviewed.
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Plum
enthusiast
Reged: 10/04/04
Posts: 218
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It's not your responsibility to enforce your wife's decree; nor is it your responsibility to pay for your stepkids. It is the responsibility of the bio parents, both of them.
So there's a few pertinent questions:
What state issued the decree?
Is it the same one in which all live now? If not, where do all live?
When was the last time the support order was modified, if ever?
Does your wife work?
I'm going to either be the first or just get in line to tell you this, dude: you KNEW your wife had kids when you married her. The money stuff, her spending, etc. is between the two of you. Here's another thing: it is not the purpose of child support to pay for an extra phone line for a teen or for any other sparkly "extras."
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Lawyers rule the U.S.; I am not one of them.
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Eric
old hand
Reged: 05/30/04
Posts: 807
Loc: USA
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Did you really think that the "other man" would pay it all?
Get real.
Besides, your appliances are your problem, not the ex's.
Welcome to the "real world."
Circumstances change and all a court order will is place the guy further behind, put him in jail, lose his license and you think you had it bad now? You ain't seen nothing yet...
The guy is paying steady. It is not his fault that you have not had any significant increase in income. Do you think he has what with trying to play "catch up" all the time?
How about this? If you disagree with all of this, have the ex contact me. I can help him. You? No. You don't seem to understand life's changes...
Eric
www.FIRMncp.com
Eric@firmncp.com
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Equality is not a difficult concept
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aussie928
old hand
Reged: 10/29/04
Posts: 969
Loc: Dallas
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Walstib, dont let our village idiot bother you.. we are all used to his alcohol induced ramblings. I do have to agree with Sir Eric on one thing...if your wifes ex isnt already a class A deadbeat..by all means send him to Eric...he is the President and Chairman of the board. I would call him a half wit.. but dont want to be complimenting the mate..
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walstib
recently joined
Reged: 12/02/04
Posts: 9
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[quote]Did you really think that the "other man" would pay it all?
Get real.
Yes, I really did expect him to fufill his child support obligations.
Besides, your appliances are your problem, not the ex's.
Welcome to the "real world."
Replacing dead appliances wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have to pick up his share of his child support.
Circumstances change and all a court order will is place the guy further behind, put him in jail, lose his license and you think you had it bad now? You ain't seen nothing yet...
The guy is paying steady. It is not his fault that you have not had any significant increase in income. Do you think he has what with trying to play "catch up" all the time?
Playing "catch up"?? He takes care of himself first and then decides what he can afford to give his children for support.
How about this? If you disagree with all of this, have the ex contact me. I can help him. You? No. You don't seem to understand life's changes...
Eric
Okay, who are you? And how can you help my wife's ex?
www.FIRMncp.com
Eric@firmncp.com [/quote]
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walstib
recently joined
Reged: 12/02/04
Posts: 9
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[quote]It's not your responsibility to enforce your wife's decree; nor is it your responsibility to pay for your stepkids. It is the responsibility of the bio parents, both of them.
So there's a few pertinent questions:
What state issued the decree?
Is it the same one in which all live now? If not, where do all live?
Illinois and Illinois
When was the last time the support order was modified, if ever?
Never been modified as far as I know
Does your wife work?
Yes, full time
I'm going to either be the first or just get in line to tell you this, dude: you KNEW your wife had kids when you married her.
Yep. But I suppose I was naive to think the kids' father would fufill his obligations. Based on what I've learned so far, he's contributing about 1/3 of what he should be according to the marital settlement agreement. And has never helped out with braces, lessons, back to school expenses, the kids' new computer, etc.
The money stuff, her spending, etc. is between the two of you. Here's another thing: it is not the purpose of child support to pay for an extra phone line for a teen or for any other sparkly "extras." [/quote]
I understand. That's part of the problems I'm trying to solve.
Thanks for your help.
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Eric
old hand
Reged: 05/30/04
Posts: 807
Loc: USA
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Why not state how much money this "deadbeat" is spending?
Then, the rest will fall in place except the last question...
I am Eric Ericson. Founder of Fathers' Integrity & Rights Movement (FIRM). FIRM is the largest and most active site on MSN Communities (a Microsoft company), freak'n WORLD WIDE.
We deal with your "mentality" all the time. How about opening your "horizon" and read the FAQ's and Quick Facts pages of the FIRM site? After that, when you start to realize the indoctrination that you have incurred, read the FIRM's What's New page then, branch out to the rest of the site.
What I will never understand is those seeking blood from a turnip...
Do you know what? I spent Thanksgiving at my girlfriend's ex's for 3 days. He will be here for Christmas. We have 3 years of tape to verify this equality and understanding of the love of the children and for the children.
Pay attention!
Grow up already... They had sex. They had a relationship. They had fun together. They have children together. Life changes. So does who makes more money...
Get used to it... Or, you will continue to have the hatred you currently do instead of endless love...
Eric
P.S.: My girlfriends ex quit his IT job (more than 100,000 per year with a top 500 company) to become a "helper" with his degree in psychology. Guess what? Spousal support stopped. Any extras stopped. Does she sue? Of course not. He loves his children and between the two, the kids are doing just fine and kids don't cost $400 a month unless if you are materialistic and care about keeping up with the "Jones." Kids ONLY care about love. Money? ONE OF THE BIGGEST MISNOMERS UNLESS YOU BELIEVE IN THIS: They don't care. Honest...
Ready to change? Ready to care? Ready to part of the family as opposed to an instigator of fueling the hatred?
Welcome home...to FIRM,
Eric
www.FIRMncp.com
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Equality is not a difficult concept
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walstib
recently joined
Reged: 12/02/04
Posts: 9
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[quote]Why not state how much money this "deadbeat" is spending?
Don't know that yet. We've asked him to provide us with copies of his W-2s and tax returns and expenses, but he hasn't given us the info.
Then, the rest will fall in place except the last question...
I am Eric Ericson. Founder of Fathers' Integrity & Rights Movement (FIRM). FIRM is the largest and most active site on MSN Communities (a Microsoft company), freak'n WORLD WIDE.
We deal with your "mentality" all the time. How about opening your "horizon" and read the FAQ's and Quick Facts pages of the FIRM site? After that, when you start to realize the indoctrination that you have incurred, read the FIRM's What's New page then, branch out to the rest of the site.
What I will never understand is those seeking blood from a turnip...
Do you know what? I spent Thanksgiving at my girlfriend's ex's for 3 days. He will be here for Christmas. We have 3 years of tape to verify this equality and understanding of the love of the children and for the children.
Pay attention!
Grow up already... They had sex. They had a relationship. They had fun together. They have children together. Life changes. So does who makes more money...
Get used to it... Or, you will continue to have the hatred you currently do instead of endless love...
Eric
P.S.: My girlfriends ex quit his IT job (more than 100,000 per year with a top 500 company) to become a "helper" with his degree in psychology. Guess what? Spousal support stopped. Any extras stopped. Does she sue? Of course not. He loves his children and between the two, the kids are doing just fine and kids don't cost $400 a month unless if you are materialistic and care about keeping up with the "Jones." Kids ONLY care about love. Money? ONE OF THE BIGGEST MISNOMERS UNLESS YOU BELIEVE IN THIS: They don't care. Honest...
Ready to change? Ready to care? Ready to part of the family as opposed to an instigator of fueling the hatred?
Welcome home...to FIRM,
Eric
www.FIRMncp.com [/quote]
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Plum
enthusiast
Reged: 10/04/04
Posts: 218
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http://ocse3.acf.dhhs.gov/ext/irg/sps/report.cfm?State=IL
(IL CS profile)
http://www.ilchildsupport.com/
(IL CS Enforcement office)
http://www.ilchildsupport.com/customerfaq/order.html
(Answers the question, “How do I get my CS order changed?”)
Support orders in IL are to be reviewed every 3 years; I’m don’t know why hers has not been. She can get it reviewed and modified.
The state of IL is large and populous. The Court or CS Enforcement people don’t know that support is not paid in full unless and until the CP files contempt. So she needs to file. She can have his wages garnished to ensure payment, she can file for his income tax refund. You, on the other hand, can do nothing from a legal standpoint.
You and she also need to know what CS is for. It is the NCP’s contribution (note it’s not full payment) to the basic needs of the child. For example, the kid/s theoretical portion of the house, the heat, the water, the food; the kid/s clothing and medical. It is not for cable tv, cell phones, computers, gymnastics, or prom dresses. The CP is to contribute to the basics as well.
If the CP decides to spend money on extra things like cell phones or computers, it is the CP’s decision and expense. The CP may ask the NCP to help out, if they have a working relationship. But the NCP is not required to pay for extras outside of CS. This usually includes sports, as well.
Sometimes, depending upon the judge and the lawyers, the CP may ask for and receive an order that includes contributions to extracurricular activities or for orthodontia.
In the meantime, the appliances and the state of your bathroom are not the law’s concern. You and your wife are expected to work out your own finances. Once again, you knew she had kids when you married her – what would you have done if the NCP had died?
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Lawyers rule the U.S.; I am not one of them.
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