nolonger
enthusiast
Reged: 09/15/08
Posts: 305
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While responding to Tammy's post on relationships with exes, I got to thinking. Should I be friendly again with ex's girlfriend?
A bit of background: GF and I were once pretty close friends. We were new friends (about a year) and over that year shared her divorce pain and my pain of coming to the decision to divorce. I talked with her every single day. We'd go out for drinks. I tried setting her up with a guy friend. I spent the night at her house when I was in fear for my safety at home. Meanwhile, she maintained her friendship with my soon to be ex, trying to be neutral, she said.
Over the course of a few months, I became suspicious of her and he. It turned out that the night my husband RAGED at me for a supposed affair I was having (I hadn't had an affair, EVER, but I now am dating the man I was accused of F*ing) it was because SHE told him I had had an affair. Of course, this led to my discovery that she and my husband were having an affair before I moved out of the marital home.
I confronted her and she apologized but I told her I had never been so deceived by a friend in my life and that our friendship was over.
Well, it's about a year now since they hooked up and they're getting serious. In fact, she took my son on a ski trip with just her and her kids. I see where this is going. I predict that he and she will marry.
SO, that leads me to my question. If I envy people who are friends with their exes new wives, should I make an effor to be cordial? Right now, I can barely describe our "relationship" as civil, as I simply avoid her at all costs.
A bit more background - my x is verbally and emotionally abusive and we have an injuction trial tomorrow for an RO due to continued harassment by him.
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tammy917
journeyman
Reged: 09/17/07
Posts: 87
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What is she thinking? You stayed at her house when you feared for your safety and she thinks it's going to be different with her? She's looney.
She told your ex you were having an affair? I would never consider being friends with someone like that no matter if she did end up being a part of the family. That's kind of my situation, my ex married the homewrecker. When her and my ex are fighting she will call and beg me to let her see the kids no matter what happens. I laugh and say I don't want her influence in the kids' lives any more than I have to and that I'll never be her friend. (she used to be a stripper)
On the other hand, she sounds like she'd be a positive influence in your son's life and as crappy as the situation is, she's a pretty good choice to be in your ex's life. Not a drug user or have questionable values.
Just not someone you'd probably choose to be your friend anymore?
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shortmarriage
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 12/07/08
Posts: 1773
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nolonger, If I were in your shoes, I could not be friends with this woman again!
What kind of friend-
* lies to your husband telling him that you were having an affair
AND
* has an affair with your husband?
Not a very good friend! I would avoid her at all costs, too!
If she and your ex get married, revisit the idea then. So, she may be the one who ends up wearing your jewelry?
I'm sorry you're going through all of this!
Good luck on Tuesday, and let me know how it goes.
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tammy917
journeyman
Reged: 09/17/07
Posts: 87
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Ok, let me restate that. I think her values are questionable since she did have an affair with your husband. That came out wrong.
But considering you thought her worthy of your friendship before all this happened, perhaps she has some redeeming qualities that perhaps if the situation were different you may think she'd be an OK stepmom?
That said, I wouldn't feel obligated to be her friend.
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nolonger
enthusiast
Reged: 09/15/08
Posts: 305
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SM, when the gf heard about X saying he wanted my jewelry she said, "That's so rediculous, I don't even believe it!" and when she was told that it was on voicemail, she said, "Why the heck would he even say that?" So she's objecting to the idea, too.
T, Oddly, I agree with you. She is about the best thing I could ask for around here for a step mom to my kids. That's why I don't burn any bridges. I've been civil to her (enough) and don't bug her or anything and know that we can become friendly again. I just don't imagine having her be one of my buds like we used to be.
It does bother me, though, that she cheated on her husband (after finding out he cheated on her) and that she had no problem starting a relationship not only with a married man, but with her FRIEND's husband. So maybe her values aren't all they appeared to be.
What else is she hiding?
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Annie7676
old hand
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 862
Loc: NY
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Boundaries....if she is going to be a good step mom then thats great...I would be cordial, pleasant but always keep in mind that she lied to your X and had an affair (you said) with your X when you were still married?
Yes people change but I would still be wary and I agree with you do not burn bridges but I would not go back to being a good friend as you know what happened last time.
Good luck tough decision
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mommyof9
old hand
Reged: 10/04/08
Posts: 1176
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Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.... call and invite her to lunch.
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Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.
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