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tammy917
journeyman


Reged: 09/17/07
Posts: 87
What would you do? Need Advice
      #501707 - 02/08/09 10:10 PM

*also posted on life after divorce* didn't know which would be best.

It's been 4+ yrs after my divorce, have dated lots, had a few boyfriends, nothing that's lasted more than 10 mos until now.

I reconnected with an old high school boyfriend almost a year ago. We've been dating ever since. He had his 2 kids most of the time. His ex is sporadic at best about taking the kids so they've always been a part of this. I have 3, he has 2.

A little background. His folks live next door to his ex, in a house owned by her (used to be theirs but she got those 2 houses in the divorce),he got the marital home.

Her family is LOADED. His family, not so much. He is accustomed to their generosity eg. using their suburban for the last week and a half just because he can, going out to their vacation cabin to spend the weekend, very generous gifts etc...

I am bothered that he uses their suburban... He has a vehicle, it is fine, but the suburban is nicer he says. He drove it to my place this weekend (an hour away) to spend the weekend with me. Last week, when he first borrowed it, he didn't let on that it was his ex in-laws' until I pressed the issued and asked straight out. Kind of a game of 20 questions to actually find out what I want to know.

Also, he is at his folks' house often. Like every day and night for a few hours during during his lunch breaks and while his kids are at their sport practices (he lives 14 miles from town) Consequently, his ex sees him there and invites him over/ cooks/ brings him take out for dinner.

Sometimes I think it's safe to say the kids are there, sometimes they aren't. Usually (I hope) she sends some home for the kids to eat also.

I told him last summer I was bothered by the fact that he grilled out at her place, whole fam damily at her house.

So he just quit telling me about the meals. I saw it on his phone (he perused my messages earlier that day, so I did his later... he knew I was doing it). She was asking him things like chicken or roast? and this Chinese meal or that one?

I understand that he's always gonna have a connection with her. Forever. They have kids together. As I will have a connection with my ex. However, I don't eat meals at his place (I'd vomit), nor do I ask my ex in-laws to borrow their stuff for weeks on end.

He says I'm jealous of his relationship w his ex, I say there has to be boundries... I know where they are and he doesn't. I don't think I'm jealous. I wouldn't be mad if he had just told me about his visits rather than let me find out this way, or tell me he's borrowing the suburban from the ex in laws for this reason or that reason. If he's got nothing to hide why is he not being forthright?

What do you think?


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nolonger
enthusiast
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Reged: 09/15/08
Posts: 305
Re: What would you do? Need Advice [Re: tammy917]
      #501783 - 02/09/09 09:41 AM

Honestly, I'd chill out a little bit. I doubt there is any fear of he and his ex reuniting. It's really healthy to have any relationship with ex's inlaws and the ex. It's even more healthy to have a meaningful relationship with them. I see it in my own community - ex wives who are best friends, shared parenting, helping one another out, vacations, shared parties, the whole she-bang. I envy those people.

You can be a part of that and foster a better relationship with his kids. If this relationship goes any where, wouldn't you hate to be on the outside of this all the time?

Step back, look inward at your true feelings and motives and consider this objective advice. There's much worse in the world, right?

I consider you lucky.


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tammy917
journeyman


Reged: 09/17/07
Posts: 87
Re: What would you do? Need Advice [Re: nolonger]
      #502024 - 02/09/09 04:27 PM

You have a point. I can't say I don't get along with her, or I do because I've really only seen her once dropping the kids off at his house. She did know about me before but didn't know I'd be there. Haven't had a chance to test the waters yet.

It's not the relationship b/n her and I that's contentious, it's the one between him and his ex. And her family... I think I would be on the outside at events that include the whole family. Or maybe it's how I'm approaching it... acting like a middle schooler perhaps?

I'm so torn.

But he eats supper with her... I just think that's wierd


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Misslisa1017
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Reged: 05/18/06
Posts: 2056
Re: What would you do? Need Advice [Re: tammy917]
      #503663 - 02/14/09 01:04 PM

It is weird. Seriously. I mean on one hand it's great that he has a good realtionship with his ex for the sake of the kids.

Great, but on the other hand it's not so great that he's not sharing things with you, yeah he's not outright lying to you, but he's also not sharing. KWIM?

So theres a little problem with the relationship. I'd talk to him.


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finz
Carpal \'Tunnel
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Reged: 06/17/08
Posts: 6748
Re: What would you do? Need Advice [Re: Misslisa1017]
      #504381 - 02/18/09 04:29 AM

His bounderies sound like ideal coparenting and maintaining a relationship with his inlaws even though his marriage didn't work out. He has bounderies....sounds like you can't acknowledge them because they are different than what you have. Wanting to vomit at the prospect of sharing a meal with your ex and your kids is not the ideal reaction. I understand everyone might not be able to be pleasant in the company of their ex......but wouldn't it be nicer for the kids if they could ?

I took the reluctance to tell you who's suv it was as because you have made it known that you disapprove of his continued contact with his ex/inlaws.

chicken or roast ? Don't sweat it

black negligee or red ? Problem, get concerned


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tammy917
journeyman


Reged: 09/17/07
Posts: 87
Re: What would you do? Need Advice [Re: finz]
      #504943 - 02/19/09 08:04 AM

I'm taking everything I'm told to heart. Thanks for the advice.

I look forward to having a relationship with my future hubby's ex wife. I wouldn't have a prob with that. I really think I'd be a good step mom/new wife that way. But don't you think in order to have a good relationship with the ex there should be a "distance" between the divorced parents?

When I said i'd vomit I was referring to me sitting down to eat w my ex and his new wife (the homewrecker). I wouldn't even consider eating with him if she and the kids weren't present.

My folks aren't loaded and don't have those kinds of things to borrow out. I guess I would just feel like his new in-laws (my family) don't have it so why not borrow from the previous fam? I might have a prob dealing with that. Again, distance? At that point that I found out about the suburban I hadn't expressed my issues with continued close contact... He just didn't share the tidbit of info with me. Now I have the issue since he wasn't honest from the get-go.

I still don't know


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johnson27
Pooh-Bah
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Reged: 07/31/08
Posts: 2435
Re: What would you do? Need Advice [Re: tammy917]
      #504948 - 02/19/09 08:23 AM

"But don't you think in order to have a good relationship with the ex there should be a "distance" between the divorced parents?"

---> Agree here. But HE may not know 'how' to define that distance....He may not know what boundaries to set....something that bothers you, he may not see as a big deal. I think that the two of you should sit down and discuss this, and at the same time keep these boundaries within reason, that way he knows. Try to place yourself in his shoes when doing this though.

About borrowing the suburban...I don't think it matters to him who was borrowing it out, he might feel like if someone is offering to let him borrow it, then why not.

What is his relationship like with his parents? I am VERY close with my ex mother in law. She was even over for Thanksgiving dinner, as far as i know SO is ok with it, he hasn't expressed not being ok with it...and if he wasn't, i don't know that i would care. I'm not going to give up my relationship with her. But i guess it all depends on the dynamics of the situation. My X is not involved, nor is he around at all. My mother passed away not too long ago, so she is the closest thing to a mom that i have and the only grandmother the kids have.

The only issue i see here that i would have is the eating dinners with his X. I just would not be ok with that. But again thats just me. It's not a matter of what's right and wrong, it's a matter of what YOU can deal with.

--------------------
Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.


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mommyof9
old hand
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Reged: 10/04/08
Posts: 1176
Re: What would you do? Need Advice [Re: johnson27]
      #507707 - 02/26/09 04:03 AM

If I was in your situation I would assume that although he and his Ex no longer wanted to be married, they may not mind being f*ckbuddies.

--------------------
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.


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