Start Your Divorce Today - Premium Divorce Online


Divorce Source Community Forums >> Domestic Violence/Abuse

Jump to first unread post. Pages: 1 | 2 | 3 | >> (show all)
dramafreeplease
recently joined


Reged: 03/13/09
Posts: 7
money hoarding,controling, abusive husband
      #512455 - 03/13/09 09:36 AM

ok here it goes... i have been married 8 years at the end of this month. i want a divorce after years of physical,verbal,and mental abuse (more mental and verbal than physical). my husband and have 2 children together ages 9 and 6. i have moved back once to my home state of pennsylvania once before to get away from him; taking the children with me. i went there to go to cosmotology school in order to be able to provide for my children on my own. he said he would pay me no support of any kind and go back to his home country of mexico. so here's kicker #1: i had him arrested for domestic abuse once before. but in order to get him a "green card" we had to hire a lawyer to vacate the charge. so in a divorce can i use that one charge as evidence that he is physically abusive? or would it be looked over because it was vacated? kicker #2 while i was in pennsyvania trying to go to school my truck was stolen. all of my equipment for school, checkbook, a fire safe,and money were inside that truck! so of course i call the police and file a report. then i called him and let him know what happened. i let him talk to the police because the truck was in his name. 2 weeks later i had to come back to south carolina in hopes of him giving me another vehicle (we had 3)and bringing the children down for a visit. he said he would give me one of the other vehicles, then refused. so i had to quit going to school. i still have to pay off a student loan for the time i was there. kicker#3 is that the more and more i thought about it, i wondered why i couldn't get any information about the truck that was stolen. and why the police said they were no longer looking for it. low and behold 3 months later, 1 day before my husband was to go and take care of some legal matters in mexico; my husband shows up at our house driving none other that the truck that was "supposedly" stolen. he said he saw it parked along I-77. this obviously made me instantly suspicious. i got inside the truck and everything was in there just as i had left it! everything! now if it had been stolen all of those things would have been gone! then i looked at the mileage... just as many miles on it as it would take to drive it from pennsylvania to north carolina where he was said to have found it! then on top of that he takes the truck to mexico and sells it! he put the money from the sale of that truck into a bank account down there that he just opened. which now brings me to the money and possession hoarding. everything is his if you as him. he paid for it, it's all his! he has a bank account here that he refuses to put my name on too because i will "steal his money"! our 4 vehicles are titled, registered, and insured in his name only. he gives me $120 a week to grocerey shop for a family of 4! and i had better not ask for money for anything else because it turns into a huge fight of how i don't work and make the money so i dont get to spend it! this is just a little taste of some of the antics he's pulled over the years. so with some of the background here, my questions are: how do i prove abuse when i haven't called the police about it since he was arrested the first time? and would i qualify for any kind of spousal support for myself until i can get restablished so my children don't have to suffer in poverty. like i said he has all of the money and i have nothing! i don't even have a way to pay for a divorce. i'm looking into legal aide but am afraid they will look at the money he makes and tell me to get lost. thank you if you can help me out on this. it will be greatly appreciated!

Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
DivorcePara
recently joined


Reged: 03/11/09
Posts: 12
Re: money hoarding,controling, abusive husband [Re: dramafreeplease]
      #512523 - 03/13/09 11:07 AM

Please contact a local abuse hotline or shelter for women. They can help you find resources, perhaps legal help, and start to set up your own life. In all likelihood, even if you are eventually awarded support in a divorce, it sounds like this guy is unlikely ever to pay and will do whatever it takes to evade his obligations. If I were you, I would consider myself already on my own and start making moves to set up a place for yourself and your children. Again, I think a women's shelter is a good place to start. Good luck!

Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
DivorcePara
recently joined


Reged: 03/11/09
Posts: 12
Re: money hoarding,controling, abusive husband [Re: DivorcePara]
      #512566 - 03/13/09 12:28 PM

I wanted to add... If you decide to leave, do a little work first. Do you have access to the mail? Try to get copies of his recent bank statements or at least write down the names of the banks, the account numbers and the balances. Same goes for any 401k or retirement accounts.Get a copy of his paycheck stub if you can and copies of your last few years tax returns. Write down the year, make and model of each of your vehicles. Make a list of personal property and furnishings, etc. When you can get to an attorney,these items will be invaluable in seeing that you get your fair share. Thanks.

Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Misslisa1017
Pooh-Bah
*

Reged: 05/18/06
Posts: 2056
Re: money hoarding,controling, abusive husband [Re: dramafreeplease]
      #512756 - 03/13/09 04:35 PM

If this guy is so bad why did you have two kids with him?

Not just one but two? If he is that abusive? Sounds to me like you are the one that ran and he caught you with your hand in the cookie jar and bam slammed the lid.

I dont' think he should be limiting you, but at the same time, I also don't think what you did by running was fair either. It takes two. Sorry. Get a divorce and settle it like a big girl.

Don't run and hide.

Play fair.


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
dramafreeplease
recently joined


Reged: 03/13/09
Posts: 7
Re: money hoarding,controling, abusive husband [Re: Misslisa1017]
      #512801 - 03/13/09 08:28 PM

thank you so much for the information divorcepara! i'm sure that all of the imformation you have shared WILL be in valuable. i can access some of those things that you mentioned but not all. and misslisa 1017 i don't know what part of that story would even prompt an idiotic statement like the one you made. hand in the cookie jar huh? that's great! now can you pester someone else if you can't at least be helpful. if i wrote my whole life story on this marriage i'm sure you would see me differently. when you feel like you can't take anymore you leave. or maybe i should have been a b***h and risked my childrens well being. thats basically what you are saying...

Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
finz
Carpal \'Tunnel
*

Reged: 06/17/08
Posts: 6756
Re: money hoarding,controling, abusive husband [Re: dramafreeplease]
      #512807 - 03/13/09 11:17 PM

It would have risked your children's wellbeing to stay with hubby, but you felt safe putting them at risk by going back to him after the truck was "stolen" ?.......Interesting

He was abusive enough for you to bring charges against him, but not so abusive that you couldn't vacate the charges ? ............Very Interesting

Before you get snitty with posters like MissLisa, you might want to acknowledge that if we can see holes in your story, so can a judge.


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
kdpnas94
recently joined


Reged: 03/15/09
Posts: 9
Re: money hoarding,controling, abusive husband [Re: finz]
      #513127 - 03/16/09 12:03 AM

Just because a person stays with someone who is abusive doesn't mean they risk their children! Sometimes people who are abused don't see it clearly until the end... sometimes life is more difficult.

Do you leave and have NO WAY to support your children because every effort you've made to get a job or to make money has been thwarted, and all the friends you may have gone to have been slowly pushed away from you... ?

Which is better, poverty or a man who abuses his wife, but not the children? I know I was willing to give up MY life, and my self respect, and my dignity for what I thought was the greater good.

It took me 8 years, and another pregnancy, to see that my children were going to grow up to be just like their father. *That* was my motivation for leaving!

Abusers are well known for manipulating and twisting things so you think it's your fault something happened... As someone who has been abused, I know how muddled it can be. You see a red flag, but it doesn't click because you feel it's your fault, not theirs. Thats what abuse is all about!


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
DivorcePara
recently joined


Reged: 03/11/09
Posts: 12
Re: money hoarding,controling, abusive husband [Re: kdpnas94]
      #513475 - 03/16/09 03:17 PM

Wow. I am really in shock that there are posters attacking an abused person for struggling over when and how to leave. Although I am sure there are those people who make false allegations about abuse, you can't not put that assumption of everyone. Particularly a woman who is obviously in a precarious situation and looking for advice.

DramaFree.. please, please get to a shelter or an abuse support group. The behaviors you describe, i.e. complete control over finances, limited your movements, pushing others out of your life... these are classic abuser behaviors, and it will only get worse. Better to be poor and working hard to have a decent, safe home, than under the constant threat of abuse from the one who is supposed to love and support you.

Good luck, again.


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
shortmarriage
Pooh-Bah
**

Reged: 12/07/08
Posts: 1773
Re: money hoarding,controling, abusive husband [Re: DivorcePara]
      #513666 - 03/16/09 11:16 PM

Wow. I am really in shock that there are posters attacking an abused person for struggling over when and how to leave. Although I am sure there are those people who make false allegations about abuse, you can't not put that assumption of everyone. Particularly a woman who is obviously in a precarious situation and looking for advice.

----->I agree. There are some posters here that are more inclined to discredit and attack posters, rather than attempt to provide any type of help in their situation. It's unfortunate, but I've seen it on this forum many times.


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
finz
Carpal \'Tunnel
*

Reged: 06/17/08
Posts: 6756
Re: money hoarding,controling, abusive husband [Re: kdpnas94]
      #513680 - 03/17/09 02:40 AM

[quote]Just because a person stays with someone who is abusive doesn't mean they risk their children! [/quote]


***********************************************

OP said that the kids were at risk.

OP herself said she left him and moved to another state to get the kids away from him........but then she moved back in with him because her car died.

It makes no sense for her to claim the children are in an unsafe situation with him, but suddenly it's not too unsafe when the truck disappeared (Her specific concerns about not putting the kids in an unsafe situation is discussed in her reply to MissLisa)


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Pages: 1 | 2 | 3 | >> (show all)



Extra information
0 registered and 4 anonymous users are browsing this forum.

Moderator:  dsAdmin 

Print Topic

Forum Permissions
      You cannot start new topics
      You cannot reply to topics
      HTML is disabled
      UBBCode is disabled

Rating:
Topic views: 10351

Rate this topic

Jump to

Contact Us Divorce Source Home

*
UBB.threads™ 6.5.1.1


Resources & Tools
Start Your Divorce Online Start Your Divorce
Several Options to Get Started Today.
Divorce Tools Online Divorce Tools
Keeping it Simple to Get the Job Done.
Divorce Downloads Download Center
Instantly Download Books, Guides & Forms.
Divorce and Custody Books Discount Books
Over 100 of the Best Divorce & Custody Books.
Negotiate Online Negotiate Online
Settle your Divorce and Save.
Custody and Support Tracking Custody Scheduling
Make Sure You Document Everything.

Easily Connect With a Lawyer or Mediator
Have Divorce Professionals from Your Area Contact You!
Enter Your Zip Code: