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Reged: 12/07/08
Posts: 1773
Re: divorce over money... or character flaws....? [Re: fengshui]
      #525442 - 04/22/09 10:44 PM

Counseling did not help my marriage. In fact, it made things much, much worse. My STBX would be so ticked about what I would say in the therapist's office. He told me that I was using things against him. He also refused the suggestions our therapist made for our "homework." After our appointments together, it would be a LONG ride home with no speaking once we got home. A few months before I moved out, he told me he would only speak to me in the therapist's office. Did he really think that I would stay in a marriage like that? Yes.

Your husband is embarrased he's losing everything? He just doesn't want to take responsibility for himself. He sounds like a man child. Is he overly concerned with outward appearances? Like, does he like for everything to appear to be perfect while your marriage has been falling apart?

Well, you deserve more in a marriage than just a roommate. Especially an abusive one! He's not able to give you what you need. You probably have known that deep down inside for some time now. The guilt trips may have worked before, keeping you from seeing what is really happening in your marriage. Manipulaters and abusers are really good at the guilt trips.

I totally agree with what you said about boundaries. Once they realize they can cross those, they will continue a little more each time, for a little longer, and then before you know it...yes, it becomes a cycle.

When the marriage is missing the love, trust, respect, commitment, security, stability, and all that good stuff that marriages are based on...the financial problems do add insult to injury. Particularly with a short term marriage. I cannot agree with you more. That's definitely been the case with me.

Why did you have to help him with money to get an apartment? Is he not working? When is he moving out?

You'll build your retirement back up. You'll get back on your own two feet. It'll be a lot easier without the dead weight. Hang in there.

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Reged: 03/31/09
Posts: 10
Re: divorce over money... or character flaws....? [Re: shortmarriage]
      #526907 - 04/28/09 05:01 PM

My hubby has been laid off since January. I have felt SO GUILTY "throwing him out" without a job. He is collecting unemployment. Today is actually the first day that he's been back to work and it looks like things are going to be picking up. He isn't moving out until next month. My friend is moving out of her apartment, and it is a cute 2 bedroom near downtown in a cute trendy neighborhood and it is w/out a lease and only $495 a month WITH heat. So, it was the best situation for him to aquire this apartment from her. Hell, I wish I could take it! I'm going to be slaving away to live at the house on my own.

There has been a few recent situations where he was violent, and it was "my fault" for making him so angry. He found some text messages on my phone from a HS friend who lives in another state (I think that I mentioned earlier that I was talking to him). Well my hubby found more messages and flipped out and smashed my phone and broke a bunch of things in the house, calling me a sl*t and every other degrading term imaginable. He stayed at a friend's all weekend and then came back here, once again, pretending like it was nothing and wanting to "make up". I made it CLEAR that he IS moving out, and I am finished with his abuse and immaturity. He is actually begining to realize that he makes made so many mistakes and wants to make it work and says that he "needs to pull his head out of his @ss before he loses me". I told him that he needs to move out anyway. Actions speak louder than words. The thing is that I'm actually interested in dating other people and I feel really guitly about it. I know that I need to let things cool down, but I made my mind up a long time ago to leave him so I've felt single almost. Terrible, I know....

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Reged: 03/31/09
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Re: divorce over money... or character flaws....? [Re: fengshui]
      #526908 - 04/28/09 05:03 PM

"my fault" according to him, NOT what I think- fyi

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