PHG
recently joined
Reged: 03/31/09
Posts: 2
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About 3 months ago, my wife left me after 22 years citing years of verbal and emotional abuse. She was also seeing another man, who she claims is not the cause of our breakup, and that she isn't leaving me for him.
I was devastated, and immediately sought education and counseling. Today, I understand what my problems were, and I am in the process of changing this behavior. I have made substantial progress, as witnessed by my four children who continue to live with me.
My question is, will my wife ever be able to see the changes I've made? If so, how? And, is reconciliation viable in my case, or are the victims of my type of abuse simply too damaged?
Thanks for your help.
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Maury
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 8146
Loc: This Asylum --->
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Sometimes people reach the point of no return. They turn off. They shut down and there is no remedy. You can suggest counseling, but it would seem that she has moved on.
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dramafreeplease
recently joined
Reged: 03/13/09
Posts: 7
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I'm so sorry to hear this story. I however commend you for trying counseling! The only problem is it sounded like for her it was too little too late. If anything, it will help you in the long run for any type of relationship that may come across your path. She may be upset and beyond reconcilliation, but all of the counceling will help the two of you be able to be civil towards one another when the time comes. Another thought is that perhaps you can ask her if she would like to participate in some of your sessions. That may help with further understanding in why she feels the way she does.It will also help you not make the same mistakes in the future. Your children will also be able to respect the fact that even though the two of you may not get back together; you can still respect one another.That always goes a long way in the eyes of children no matter what their age. Keep trying to better yourself. It's all you can really do for now. Good luck!
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nolonger
enthusiast
Reged: 09/15/08
Posts: 305
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My advice to you is to live your life with compassion, empathy, forgiveness and caring love for your wife no matter if she comes back and with her coming back NOT being the goal. Change for YOU as dramafree recommends. Forget about the other guy. Only time will tell if you've changed and she's gonna need a LOT of time - years - and even then, she may be so out of love for you that she refuses to go back.
My best advice? Leave her alone. Live your life. Let her live hers. Whatever you do, if you find yourself constantly bothering or battling her, please acknowledge that you haven't really changed at all. And if you truly love her, you'll see that the best love you can give her is to set her free from your abuse.
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finz
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/17/08
Posts: 6453
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PHG....I wish you luck in learning from your past mistakes and getting ready to find a healthy new relationship someday.
DFP and NL......I commend both of you for your ability to offer sincere advice to PHG
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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The best way to show her change is TO change. You can't force her to accept you back even if you have changed. If she's done, she's done. But just because she left doesn't mean she's done. She'll see how you are with the kids, she'll see the changes. And if she still has feelings for you, you and she MAY reconcile down the road. But don't push for any reconcilation as that would be the fastest way to push her farther away. If she wants to come back, she will, and if she doesn't...no amount of change will change that.
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Char Fox
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PHG
recently joined
Reged: 03/31/09
Posts: 2
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Thank you all for your kind input. I understand now how badly I have hurt her, and accept the fact that it may be too late for us. This is my cross to bear, for my abusive behavior and inattention for all those years. I deeply grieve for what I have lost, but have no one to blame but myself.
I will continue to educate myself, and stick with counseling, all with the ultimate goal of making fundamental changes, for me, and whatever future I have. Now I need to accept the fact that she has moved on.
This has been therapeutic, and I greatly appreciate the time you all have taken to respond. May God's blessings be with you all.
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nolonger
enthusiast
Reged: 09/15/08
Posts: 305
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PHG, Good luck to you. I spent most of my time in church today praying for my abusive ex. I'll add you in the prayer, too.
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