Ann1999
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As of two weeks ago, my husband and I are informally separated. It's all very weird and I'm not sure how to go about it. What are the rules/guidelines? We are sleeping in separate rooms, but at this point everything else is pretty much the same. We have children, so we're trying to keep things normal for them until we figure things out. He's in another relationship (one of the things he needs to figure out-his feelings for her). Then I need to figure out how strong my feelings are for him or if I could ever  get over what he did. I'm not completely innocent. I had an affair earlier in our marriage, lied about it for years and treated him horribly. Something he hasn't been able to get past or I think ever will. My question is-oh, I have so many-help!
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javajunkiee
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Have you and your husband participated in counseling recently?
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Marriage doesn't come with a money-back guarantee.
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Ann1999
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We plan on doing that if he decides he wants to work on the marriage. Right now he is confused and doesn't know what he wants, so I separated from him so that he could resume his relationship with her to see if that's what he wants. He briefly broke it off with her when I found out. I'm not sure what i want either. It's all too fresh and I don't know if I will ever be able to get past it. In the meantime, I'm wondering how we go about being separated, but living under the same roof. Should I still be doing things for him like cooking, laundry, ironing and medical stuff? I'm a stay at home mom with 4 young children. Should my responsibilities only be taking care of the children during the day, cooking, cleaning for them, groceries etc.?
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javajunkiee
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My personal opinion? I would take care of the kids and the same household tasks I always took care of, and he can take care of his own business. Do his own laundry, set his own appts, etc, etc. I also would not expect him to do for me either - he does his part for the kids and the house, period.
The situation you're in sounds very new and very fresh, so its understandable you're trying to find your way through it. This "finding himself" plan he has? I would not sit by indefinitely while he decides whether he's happier with his family or with his mistress.
There are those that say to not give ultimatums or make demands, and to let him find his way in his own good time. My personal philosophy doesn't agree with that.
I think spouses have an obligation and responsibility to the person they married and the children they helped create. There is no gray area; either he's with his family or he's not. He either ditches her and re-commits, or he packs his bags. There is plenty of time after that decision to figure out what/who he wants to be when he grows up.
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Marriage doesn't come with a money-back guarantee.
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Debi
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The only problem is if she is a SAHM then doing those things for him is kind of common courtesy if he is having to pay all of the bills.
To the OP.....considering the situation you are in with not bringing in an income, yes i'd continue to do those things for now. You may get some type of spousal support if you end up living apart, but not until it's court ordered. If he moves out and takes his income with him you could end up homeless before getting to court. Not a chance I'd want to take.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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finz
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I think a major "discussion" is order. Do you both want to "keep up appearances" and have you do things for him and he keeps depositing his paycheck in the joint account ? Do either of you want to play "trial seperation" where you appoximate CS and SS and divide household expenses.
There are many ways you COULD do it, but how do each of you WANT to do this ?
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javajunkiee
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Yes, being a SAHM with no income puts her in a precarious position with him. If she ticks him off by not washing his underwear he could pick up his marbles and go play with someone else. Oh, wait. He's been playing with someone else.
I understand your POV Debi, and you're right, its a balancing act. But my attitude is that it should've been common courtesy for him to keep his **** in his pants.
If his feelings are hurt and he's put out (no pun intended) by having to take care of his own *personal* stuff? Too bad. For her to continue doing that type of thing for him because of courtesy or fear of losing his $$ in the household, just sounds *off* to me. If he bolts, she files and likely gets temp support and cs anyways. I would suggest she find employment though too. The more she can rely on herself the less she has to rely on him, and considering he's not a reliable sort of husband.....
I still think she takes care of her things, he takes care of his. At the least, they learn whats to come if they split, and best case perhaps it would be a wake up call for both on how much they need each other.
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Marriage doesn't come with a money-back guarantee.
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Yes_Dad
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You dont know if you can get over it when you yourself did it for years earlier in the marriage. Whats good for the goose..
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Debi
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What happens during the few months until she gets to court and gets that temp support? I'm not arguing your points. They are all very good but when people decide to do something out of anger it generally ends up hurting them in the long run. He would be ordered to pay at the ver least half of the bills in a temp order if he leaves. My point is that a temp order isn't going to happen in a week or probably even 2. It may take months to get to court so what happens until then ? I'm all about getting my ducks in a row BEFORE making decisions based on emotion. I'[d file paperwork for a temp order and at least get a court date before I start feeling like I have the upper hand. That said, you're right she shouldn't be doing stuff for him if they aren't going to work on their marriage. Let's not forget however that she did the same thing in the past that he's doing. While two wrongs don't make a right it does make her hands unclean also.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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javajunkiee
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Debi and YD, I agree with both of your points. Its very true, whats good for the goose is good for the gander. No argument there.
However, he stayed with her through her cheating. He could've walked back then. He made his choice, and *if* he's pulling that card "you did it why can't i?" years later, thats bs. Either he forgave her back then or he's been holding it in reserve as a get out of jail free card.
He's the one who's trying to find himself and can't decide whether he wants the marriage or not. Until he makes that decision, whether she wants to save it is secondary.
Should she cut him some slack due to her past actions? Yes. But keeping the status quo while hubby screws the mistress and is trying to find himself? Umm... no. But thats me. I would've already been to the marriage counselor and the lawyer to *at least* have an idea of what I would be facing if I were alone.
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Marriage doesn't come with a money-back guarantee.
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Ann1999
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Thank you Javajunkiee, Debi and Yes Dad for your replies. I know that becuase of what I did to him early in our marriage I can't judge him too harshly. It would be hypocritical. But, I did chose him. He didn't know about the affair so I was able to make that choice in my own time. I found out about his affair and made him end it. I tried to stay quiet and let the affair go on, hoping he'd end it on his own, but we got into a fight and I sprung it on him that I knew what was going on. i didn't want to be the one who ended it. I wanted it to be him. He made it seem like it was inevitable anyway, because there were red flags, but he wasn't sure if some of them were because he was married. Well, now he's separated and will hopefullly be able to find out what she's like. Given my past, I feel I have to be more understanding and I think even if I hadn't done what he's doing, I think i still would want him to explore his feelings with her, so that I would know that he really wants to be with me because our love is stronger, not just because he has to because of the kids or me forcing him to. I tried the forcing him to already and weeks later he was second guessing it, thinking of her and distancing himself from me again. I just don't know how long I can wait before I just say, "I want a divorce, you're obviously choosing her over us." There's also the point that when I did it, it was just him and I (no kids). He's not only hurting me, it's going to affect and hurt our kids as well.
I'm trying to distance myself and plan for what seems to be the inevitable, but it's hard. On some days, I'm fine and on others (most)I'm a wreck, depressed, worried, hurt, angry, sad and anxious. I am a SAHM. My kids are all young. The youngest I'm still breastfeeding. Getting a job would mean stopping the breastfeeding and putting the rest in full to partial daycare-something I DON'T want to do. It's all a real mess. I just don't know what I'm going to do. It's still new and we're trying to find our way through something that is very uncertain. Our main concern is for our children.
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finz
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I understand not wanting to put the kids in daycare, but being a SAHP is a luxury that only some couples can choose. Not being a couple anymore ruins that plan.
Getting a job means learning how to pump, not giving up breastfeeding
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Debi
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The youngest I'm still breastfeeding. Getting a job would mean stopping the breastfeeding
Not true. I work full time and am just weaning my 18mo old. Also keep in mind if you do divorce dad IS going to get parenting time. At the very least every other weekend so you will be away from your youngest at that time. Divorce will also mean getting a job. Your husband will have to pay CS if you are the CP, and he may have to pay SS. I don't know enough about your situation to determine if you'll get that or not, but none of it will be enough to support all of you very well and SS is usually (hopefully) temporary.
I don't think that letting him decide in this way is healthy. I think it's passive aggressive and I think you need to stand up and say "One of these relationships is over by the end of the day.....you decide or I'll decide for you". I'm not trying to slam you but you don't get brownie points for choosing him over your affair nor do you get them for cheating when you didn't have kids. He's not cheating on the kids either. He's cheating on you. Also the fact that he didn't know about your affair doesn't put you in a better light. It just means you were sneakier.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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Avaya
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@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Really. @@@@@@@@@@@@@@
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Eternity is too long to be wrong.
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Ann1999
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I'm letting him decide in this way for two reasons. #1 is because of the kids (we want to be in the same house with them, keep it as normal as possible until we decide to really divorce)and #2 is because I want the decision to be his. He already tried breaking up with her (when I found out about the affair), but he still had strong feelings for her and started back with her emotionally. He was still thinking about her. This time I want it to be because he choses to, not because I'm forcing him to. Otherwise, I'd always wonder if he wishes he was with her, is he going back to her? Is this what he really wants or was he pressured?
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javajunkiee
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Okay, using your approach, which I think is very brave by the way, lets look at the possible outcomes.
Say he decides on his own that the affair with her is over, he's still in love with you and is recommitting to the marriage. His doing all that? Will *not* erase your insecurities over the affair. Coming to that decision in his own time, without feeling any of the consequences of his actions, will also not give him any fear of having another affair. That sounds very punishing I'm sure, but what I'm getting at could be summed up in a simple analogy: You play with fire, you get burned. He's playing with fire, and isn't even feeling the heat. He's going along, living in the house, living with his wife, and still having his mistress on the side.
Even young children learn early that doing something wrong has consequences. Its how they learn not to do it again. Your husband? Is learning that he can bop his mistress, get caught, and all his wife will do is sit by while he makes up his mind whether to trade her in on a new model.
I hope, I *truly and sincerely* hope, that you get verrrrry lucky, and your marriage survives this and the two of you can work out your issues. That would be the best outcome possible. I just am having a hard time seeing, based on what you describe, where your husband has any incentive to change his behavior at all. I do see where he can drag out the pain you're in by taking his sweet time, and possibly set you up so that you lose alot more than your marriage.
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Marriage doesn't come with a money-back guarantee.
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Ann1999
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He's only living with me. We're in separate rooms and I've told him that I don't know If I'll be able to get over it. He doesn't have a guarantee that I'll want to recommit. I told him that the longer he takes to figure out what he wants the more damage it will cause, not only on the chance for our relationship to survive, but also on his with hers. I'm not sure what you mean by consequences, but believe me, it hasn't been all nicey nicey and understanding over here. We've had many discussions where he has been given a piece of my mind and a severe talking to. A lot has been discussed about both affairs (his, mine). What do you mean by setting me up to lose a lot more than your marriage?
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javajunkiee
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By setting you up I mean that the more time he has before the divorce, the more time he could have to change the outcome of the divorce. Things like playing father of the year where before he couldn't remember the kids names. Suddenly spending less/more money, removing paperwork from the house. Putting property in others names, etc, etc.
Things that, once accomplished, limit your ability to receive an equitable settlement.
Many a spouse has received the "I'm so confused, just give me time" line from their wife/husband, only to find out that what they were working on wasn't whether they wanted to keep the marriage, but how to get out of it with as much of everything as possible.
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Marriage doesn't come with a money-back guarantee.
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