ChrisW
recently joined
Reged: 04/28/09
Posts: 9
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Hi, my wife of 17 years (and mother of our 2 children) suddenly decided she wants a divorce. She will not discuss it with me and she all of a sudden started seeing guys that are 10 years younger than her and she says we have just grown apart, and that we are more like roommates. She has been going out to bars 3 times a week lateley, which is not normal for her. But when she gets drunk and comes home sometimes, we end up in bed together, and she tells me she loves me, but that that doesn't change anything. I recently found out she has a date this weekend, and when I asked her about it she got very angry with me. I think it may be a mid-life crisis, as she fits most of the symptoms that other web sites list. I would like to know if it's possible to help her get through this in any way, even if she won't discuss it with me. I would do anything for her, I don't care about the cheating, I just want to save our marriage. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Chris
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losingfaith
addict
Reged: 01/26/09
Posts: 650
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wow
That's huge that you could stand by her even in light of all that has been done.
I would suggest the two of you look into counseling but it's only going to work if she is open to the experience and more importantly if she will agree to it.
I know you say she fits the profile for “Female Mid-life Crisis”, if your assumption is correct maybe a doctor (MD.) could recommend some form of hormonal treatment.
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Standing above the crowd he had a voice that was strong and loud
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ChrisW
recently joined
Reged: 04/28/09
Posts: 9
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I would definitely be open to counseling, but I know she wouldn't do it. I have already mentioned it to her, but she basically thinks they're a bunch of quacks. And right now she says that she absolutely does not want to work on our marriage, that it is over, and there is no way she will change her mind. I'm hoping that might change in time, although I know better than to expect it, or that it could be years if it ever does happen. I just feel like I need to do something now, instead of just giving up, but I have no idea what I can do.
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javajunkiee
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/01/08
Posts: 3153
Loc: SC
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If she's not willing to attend counseling with you, or work on your marriage, put her to the curb. How dare she use you the way she is? I don't care if you are the worst husband in the world, your children do not deserve a mother who comes home drunk 3x a week. You do not deserve a wife who says she doesn't want you as a husband, wants to date around, gets TICKED at you for wanting an explanation from his WIFE, and then jumps into BED with you! Damn man, get mad! At the very least she's using you and disrespecting you, but at the worst, she could give you an STD.
Miss "We're-Just-Roommates" needs to be treated like you would any other drunken roommate. Put her and her empties at the curb. Maybe when she sobers up and realizes what she stands to lose she'll be more amenable to counseling.
I know thats harsh, but she's not facing any consequences for her behavior right now, so she has no incentive to change it.
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Marriage doesn't come with a money-back guarantee.
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ChrisW
recently joined
Reged: 04/28/09
Posts: 9
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To be honest, I did have a drinking problem myself but have quit since all of this started (well, in the process of quitting, I have slipped a couple times). I am trying to be a better person, not just for her, but also for me and the children. I know it won't happen over night. I'm not sure it will even matter to her in the end, but I don't think I could ever 'put her to the curb'. I'm just so scared of losing her forever.
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javajunkiee
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/01/08
Posts: 3153
Loc: SC
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I understand your fear about losing your spouse. You're probably having moments where you're willing to do or say whatever it takes to keep her with you and keep your family intact. Her bailing on the marriage has been a wake-up call of sorts.
The thing is, she already has a foot out the door. She has stated to you repeatedly that she's done, she's not interested, your marriage is over. Then she goes out and about and engages in the same behavior you've exhibited in the past(?).
While you've realized you have a problem, she apparently hasn't realized she has one. Your kids need both parents to be there and be sober. If she can't/won't be, YOU need to be. I would strongly suggest that instead of trying to work on your marriage, that you focus instead on staying sober, and being the best possible father you can be for your kids. That will take so much of your strength as it is; don't spread yourself so thin by trying to prop up a marriage your wife isn't interested in.
You may be scared to lose her, or just plain scared to be alone. I get that -- but the pain you're in now is 10x worse than the pain of letting go of her. Think about it. What do you really have of her right now?
Focus on you and focus on your kids. You will all be okay, and if she's meant to stay your wife, she'll come around.
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Marriage doesn't come with a money-back guarantee.
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ChrisW
recently joined
Reged: 04/28/09
Posts: 9
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Thanks javajunkiee, I think I needed someone to tell me that. I'm just not sure I know how to do it, I can't stop hoping she'll realize what a mistake she's making and how she's hurting her family. Too bad there isn't a switch you can just turn off. Maybe she has one, I'll have to ask her  . I have been focusing much more on the kids, I guess I need to think about myself a little too.
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javajunkiee
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/01/08
Posts: 3153
Loc: SC
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If you figure out where the switch is, do share with the board. I think all of us have wondered about that switch at some point or other.
Good luck Chris, and keep us updated on how you're doing.
-java
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Marriage doesn't come with a money-back guarantee.
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kate_spencer
newbie
Reged: 02/20/09
Posts: 26
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I actually admire you Chris for your huge love for your wife, even if she's hurting you and your children a lot. But it's just normal though, of course she's your wife and you love her that's why you married her.. and it's also normal in a relationship especially in marriage, to have a problem like this.
And for me, it's enough that you're still holding on trying to save your marriage.. even if she didn't agreed to counseling, you could actually benefit to it even if it's you alone to attend the counseling. By that, you're going to know to do with your wife.. I mean, with your marriage.
I hope it gets better Chris.. good luck!
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Save my marriage
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ChrisW
recently joined
Reged: 04/28/09
Posts: 9
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I'd like some advice on whether I made the right decision tonight or not. We had been planning on moving out of the house we're in as neither of us can afford it on our own, but we were going to wait until August so we could save up enough money (we each have our own income). But I told her tonight that I think I should move out in May, as I couldn't get over her while we're still around each other every day. She seemed quite upset about it, her business is not doing so great right now, and it's not the best time for her to be moving. I know I'm going to be lonely as hell, and I will really miss her not being around every day. I feel like I may have done the wrong thing. But I just don't know how else I could move on with my life. I can't handle sitting around here while she goes on her dates.
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