spiritedone
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 155
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I recently went back to IA to see my gs for his b-day. his parents are not married and have had a very stormy relationship, moving approx 8-10 times in the last 12 months, being evicted out of their apts many times, living with friends for brief periods of time, and my daughter not keeping a job, her bf has one however does not always make it to work. their relationship has involved domestic violence from both sides, an inability to pay their bills, having cars repossed,etc. all the while my gs has been in the middle of this mess. I and my SO have offered several times to my daughter to come and live with us, get her life on track and to help her provide for our gs till she could get on her feet and out of a terrible situation. she would not ever take us up on the offer, always stating she knew better, and could provide for her son. This weekend while i was there, it all hit the fan. my gs had earlier in the week gotten out of the hosp. with rsv. she had been staying at her dads house with her son because she has no phone, no car, and if her son needed to return to the hospital she and her bf would have no way of getting him there, she had also stated to her dad and myself she was ready to get out of her situation, so we were going to try to help her. In any case when i got to ia, my daughter brought her son over to great g-ma's house to see everyone, afterwards she wanted me to meet a friend of hers she was thinking of moving in with, she then returned to her apt with the excuse being she wanted her son to see his dad, the two of them proceeded to yell and throw items at each other, in front of their son and myself. i attempted to get her to leave, telling her that her son did not need to be exposed to this, she would not leave and they would not stop, so i took the car (not mine, her dads) and left with my gs. i dropped off gs with his great g-ma and returned for gs belongings (diaper bag etc) and hopefully my daughter. she reluctantly left with me. both myself and my mother spent the next couple of hours talking with her and offering ways to help her get out of the situation and her need to focus on her son. we thought when she left with her son in tow, she was returning to her fathers for the night. instead she returned to the apt, where later in the middle of the night at 130am i got a phone call to come and get her and the gs, she had left and walked out in the snow with my gs after her and her bf had fought-physically. the police were called, reports made etc. mind you this entire time my gs is still sick running a temp over 104, on neb treatments etc. they stayed at with me at great gmas. in the morning my daughter had an appt for DHS to acquire assistance to help in providing for her son. i offered to take her, however she was mad at me for telling her to get her [censored] together during the night and refused for me to take her. her son cont to not feel well and she wanted to take him to the dr, but would not let me take them either. i procedded to make contact with DHS and make out a report of abuse/neglect. i was fed up with my gs being in the middle of these two's circus of a so called life. the day ended with my gs being removed from the home, and placed with my sister (i couldn't have him because i live out of state). my gs will be made a CHINA child (child in need of assistance) and live with my sister. now both the bf and my daughter have 1 year to prove stability and the ability to care for their son, the DHS worker is putting in her report, that these two should not live together with the child, due to the violence. If either parent is unable to do this then my gs will need to placed into a permanent home and his parents rights will be terminated. myself and my SO want to have the gs with us.
This was a very difficult choice i made, i tried to help my daughter but she refused all offers of assistance and i could no longer watch my gs live with these two "parents" who have yet to provide a stable loving enviornment for him. has anyone else dealt with this.
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live today like it's your last, for tomorrow may not come.
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legalidiot
enthusiast
Reged: 05/06/05
Posts: 250
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You should punctuate, or carriage return !
I was going to read this post, but it hurts my eyes.
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Keep the relationship problems away from the kids
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spiritedone
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 155
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I'm sorry my post hurt your eyes.
basically my post says I turned my daughter and her bf in to DHS for improper care, and my gs was removed from the situation.
my gs was placed with my sister who lives in the same town/state as they do.
has anyone else been in this situation.
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live today like it's your last, for tomorrow may not come.
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legalidiot
enthusiast
Reged: 05/06/05
Posts: 250
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That post wasn't meant to be hurtful, I was just making a suggestion. If it is easy to read, more people will respond.
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Keep the relationship problems away from the kids
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legalidiot
enthusiast
Reged: 05/06/05
Posts: 250
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You did the right thing. I wouldn't give up on the daughter just yet. If anything, she'll realize how much she misses the gs, and begin fixing what is broken.
She has the best chance of getting the child back, you should try to stay close to her, and help her. If she decides NOT to get the child, she might just push for you to get custody.
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Keep the relationship problems away from the kids
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spiritedone
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 155
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Thus far my daughter has not made any positive steps this week. I have no way of communicating with her, no phone, no address. I have stayed in daily contact with my sister to know what is taking place.
If my gs needs to be placed into a permanent situation then my SO and I will petition the courts for custody. i spoke with my ex regarding this and he stated that he is fine with that, he would not fight me for custody.
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live today like it's your last, for tomorrow may not come.
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Cleo
newbie
Reged: 08/24/05
Posts: 42
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It seems as though you have done everything you should: you (and other family members) have tried talking things out with your daughter, you have offered her all kinds of support, and now that her refusal to heed any of this is putting her son at risk - physically and emotionally - you took the appropriate next step to protect his health and his future. For his sake and yours, I hope everything works out well.
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spiritedone
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 155
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Thank you Cleo and everyone else who has been supportive.
I talked with my daughter yesterday briefly. While she says she is not mad at me any longer and knows she was wrong, she still is worried and complains more about her and the bf interactions than she does speaking towards the efforts required to pull her act together for her son.
I am not sure just how to respond or how to be supportive of her to accomplish the goal of hopefully reuniting her with her son. She seems to want everyone else to "fix" the problem for her. I don't want to be manipulated by her any longer or played for a fool, and I want my gs in a loving environment.
any suggestions???
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live today like it's your last, for tomorrow may not come.
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Renee
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 4022
Loc: The Palmetto State
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She's young, and very self absorbed, which at the age it to be expected, but unfortunately your gs is affected by it. You could continue to encourage her to make changes in her life, point out to her she does NOT have to live the way she is, that she has options. I'm sure you've already done this and her response ihas been more about the BF than anything else.
Patience (an infinite amount of patience) and stubborness on your part where she is concerned is the only thing I can suggest. You ARE doing whats best for your gs, and he is lucky to have you. Stick to your guns and accept nothing less than her GROWING UP and acting like a responsible mother.
I hope things get better for you, and your daughter, soon...
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legalidiot
enthusiast
Reged: 05/06/05
Posts: 250
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I would try to find 10 posts on here of parents feelings on losing custody, and print them out (they shouldn't be hard to find). Then MAKE her sit and read them in front of you. Then tell her...I guess you want this to be you.
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Keep the relationship problems away from the kids
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spiritedone
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 155
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that is an excellent idea legalidiot, thank you.
i am trying to do the search now. fingers crossed hope it gets her thinking and DOING what she needs to do.
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live today like it's your last, for tomorrow may not come.
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legalidiot
enthusiast
Reged: 05/06/05
Posts: 250
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It's funny, when I first came on this board, I was a loving father, but I was soooo angry at my ex, that it clouded the issues. I was focused intently on "getting revenge" after all how could she do this ??? After reading the posts of fathers who are drug through the mill, just to see thier children, I realized that I should just move on with the divorce, and focus on my daughter.
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Keep the relationship problems away from the kids
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spiritedone
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 155
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It's easy to get caught up in emotions and anger is a very strong emotion. Good for you for figuring out what really is most important, the children.
It's too bad lots of people never get there. I was divorced about 10 years ago, and to this day my ex continues to be angry with me. Our children are grown,
he remarried 1 year after the divorce. To much wasted energy.
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live today like it's your last, for tomorrow may not come.
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Annie7676
old hand
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 862
Loc: NY
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You did the right thing. The focus should be on your GS and providing a stable and loving environment for him. Living in that type of environment is not healthy. Your daughter needs to get help and only she can do it AND want it...until she does the GS should be kept safe. Being exposed to that type of violence as a small child is not healthy. Don't feel bad and don't back down.
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lastchance
recently joined
Reged: 02/05/06
Posts: 4
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Oh yeah I agree you did the right thing. I just had to give my opinion on this. I have a cousin with a similar situation. My cousin had a son got married to the dad and then neglected the child for her own gain. The couple always fist fought. Well, I had the kid the first year he was born. Got him about 3 weeks old. I was 16 and the Mom was 18. I did not have legal rights I was just the acting mommy. So the placement of the child was a concern to all of my family. Only one person could afford to fight the system. She just happen to be the great grandma of the boy. With all the fighting and arguing over the boys safety no one's effort were enough to gain custody. So my grandmother being a sneaky B!^ch that she is. Kissed my cousins but had her over to dinner, gave her money, bought the baby all that he needed, offered day care at any time. She changed her whole personality for about two months. Did whatever it took to be near the boy. Finally one day after my cousin and her husband got drunk high whatever they started fighting. Ofcourse now she has her loving and understanding grandma to call for help. Well, my grandma had the papers ready for my cousin to sign. She picked her and her son up drove right home and had one of those talks I love you and your ruining your life. Please let me help you, Here sign this. It worked my cousin was high and she could have fought it but not having the boy for a few weeks gave her a new outlook. She could do whatever she wanted and didn't have to worry about her son. The father was more reluctant to sign rights over but after being threatened with court cost he just signed. The moral is sometime you have to do a little bad to be good. Now the boy is 7 knows his mommy is not such a good person. He understands why his great grandma has him. His mom well she currently in jail awaiting trial ( prison maybe three years). She has never gotten her life together. Some people just don't care.
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ahsmom
member
Reged: 02/20/06
Posts: 149
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It sounds like with the RSV and everything else they would know not to fight. I can't imagine the fear that environment would bring to a child. You did the right thing.
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tlescak
recently joined
Reged: 02/28/06
Posts: 5
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I think you did the right thing turning your daughter over to DHS. It breaks my heart to think of that poor little boy with a fever out in the cold, because mom & dad are boneheads. I wish more people would watch out for OUR children.
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bargranny
newbie
Reged: 02/12/07
Posts: 41
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Thank you for taking a stand. I am sorry for your daughter but regardless of your daughter or your son, maybe you should have spoke up sooner. I don't know why people keep thinking a person will change. My father was an abuser and he never changed. I kept my son away from any abuse and am now seeing the abuse repeated all over again with my grandson's mother. She is abusing the child, and I can't get anyone to listen. They seem to have the idea that a mother wouldn't hurt her children. Good luck to you, my advice tell your daughter if she wants your help and support to get her act together and prove to you she is straightening up, otherwise leave her be. A person will not change unless they truely want to change. Stay in touch with your sister, document all you do for the child and how much contact you have with him, even your phone calls, prepare now to file suit for custody of the child. It will get expensive.
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