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Reged: 06/01/09
Posts: 6
What to do? (whining I guess)
      #540811 - 06/01/09 11:34 PM

So here is the situation.

Married 10 years, together 12, I'm 35, she's 37. 1 son, 2 1/2 years old.

We've probably been intimate about 4 times in the past 12 months.

Wife is locked in the minutia of everyday life, e.g. "Tidying, housework", finds numerous reasons not to be intimate ("too late, too early, too tired, wrong time of month"). She hasn't initiated intimacy in the 12 years I've known her.

I feel she 'nags', I don't do enough, I often feels like she treats me like a child, "have you done X, where are the Y's - show me".

I've also always earned much more than she has but am constantly under pressure to earn more because she want's her 'dream house', or 'that car', but in the same bounds, she's intolerant of any particular demands my work or profession may have on my time. I commute over 4 hours a day to my job and have done so for 8 of the past 10 years.

No expected infidelity on either side, no other particular issues. I'm just basically fed up with nagging, harassment, pressure and lack of intimacy.

Personally, I can't take another 40 years of this. There has to be something more to life right? Or do I just take up golf and do my own thing?

Looking back over this, it seems like whining, but if life isn't about how you feel or perceive it to be, what is it about?

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Reged: 07/31/08
Posts: 2435
Re: What to do? (whining I guess) [Re: baldric]
      #540846 - 06/02/09 06:26 AM

You would be surprised at how similiar your story is to alot of others. It's a rut, and every relationship/marriage has them.

Have you explained how you felt to her, but in a manner that doesn't come off as placing blame or pointing fingers? People can be much more receptive when they don't feel attacked, so instead of using the word *you*, use *we* when discussing problems.

And what about counseling? Even if she opts out, you can still get alot out of it. Do you guys have a date night each week? I feel like this is important in every relationship. A night that the two of you can just go out and have a good time without the worries of taking care of this or that.... A movie, dinner, miniature golf, etc.

Love and Marriage is alot more than just about feelings and emotions. It's about commitment and hard work also. You have ups and downs, it's great when you're there thru the ups, but being able to be there for one another during the down times....well THAT is true love.

Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.

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Reged: 01/26/09
Posts: 650
Re: What to do? (whining I guess) [Re: johnson27]
      #540898 - 06/02/09 09:06 AM

Wow, 4 times in 12 months?
I honestly donít think I could deal with that. I donít think age has anything to do with it as, my wife and myself are both in the same age range as you and your wife and we have a fairly active sex life togetherÖ
Well we do now.

We have been going to marriage counseling and one of my complaints was that we had, at one point a decline in our sex life. With out going through all the things we disgust and the whole story of how the councilor came to the conclusion that she did and the answer to the problemÖ
Iíll just give you the answer.

I needed to help more around the house.
By me helping more then I was, it opened up a lot of free time and on some strange level, my wife even found it sexy (Go figure). 90% of the time we found ourselves finding ways to start flirting with one another during things like folding cloths.

Like johnson27 pointed out communication is key and talking to your wife about this (in a constructive manner) can do wonders. Our councilor also pointed out that more times then not itís simply the way we say things that can and often does come across the wrong way and that can lead to a huge communication gap.

And again like johnson27 pointed out She (the councilor) also recommended a date night. This has done wonders for us because we are able to get out and enjoy each others company as a couple with out the stress of our 2 year old.

Also this is just a little food for thoughtÖ

I brought my wife to a doctorís appointment last month and they had a magazine called womanís heath. I was board so I started thumbing through and came across an article that caught my attention. The writer said that sex is the glue that binds a marriage, and that this was not just a personal observation by the writer but medical doctors, science, and relationship experts back that statement up.
They said that it was reason that couples can have a whole range in differences of opinions and still make a relationship work. They pointed out that it helps keep stress levels down and how it can not only keep you feeling younger but also looking young.

I think a little lack of it is ok, but 4 times in a year???
Thatís not what I would call "making glue"

Best of luck to you and your wife I hope the 2 of you can find a way through this hard time.

Standing above the crowd he had a voice that was strong and loud

Edited by losingfaith (06/02/09 10:17 AM)

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Reged: 07/25/06
Posts: 1265
Loc: Oregon
Re: What to do? (whining I guess) [Re: baldric]
      #540922 - 06/02/09 09:49 AM

You are completely screwed ( Pun intended ). She has what she wants, and if you exit, she'll continue to have you paying for what she wants.

Ain't marriage great ? Hire a hit-man, it is your only chance....

"Anything free is worth what you pay for it..."
"Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get"

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Reged: 06/03/09
Posts: 54
Re: What to do? (whining I guess) [Re: baldric]
      #541435 - 06/03/09 11:32 AM

I am a woman and can completely understand both aspects of your issue. My husband complains about my nagging at the same token I would like to be intimate but do not receive it.
Some woman (I am not trying to make excuses but us woman do talk a lot about our issues) once they bear children do lose our sense of desire. They so make medication for this (I am not trying to imply she needs it either). We also have a tendency to not feel attractive once we have children especially if "the baby weight" is not gone.
The nagging comes with the species I am afraid to admit. Not that it is right but I have yet to meet a man that does not complain about it.
The advise I can give you..on a whim try buying her flowers, just coming home from work and helping with the house chores. Telling her she is beautiful and how you appreciate the things she does for you (I know you work a lot and drive a lot, but this is coming from a woman whose husband also drives 4 hours and is the sole income provider). Before you leave in the morning put a little note on her night stand, or in the bathroom next to her tooth brush which says you love her or miss her. It is the little things that make us woman feel beautiful and special. It sounds stupid or ridiculous but those little things mean more to us than just coming home and "trying to get it on". Ask her if she wants to take a nap and you will handle everything else. When she starts to feel wanted and special then she should be more receptive to your initiating intimacy.
As for the bigger and better house, etc. I can relate to that..I am the same way but know we can't afford it. There is nothing you can do other than to tell her you are trying and think she deserves it or whatever else you can think of. I came to terms with it when my husband and I sat down together to figure out how much it would set us back. When analyzing it and seeing it on paper we came to terms with doing without the house. My husband said he would go for the house but our lifestyle which we are accustom to would suffer, is it worth killing yourself working 40+ hrs a week to not enjoy the house? You have a nice house to bad you can't buy anything new to put in it or take the kids to McD's for a happy meal, to bad the kids can't join this and we can't take a vacation to Disney because we have a mortgage payment that we can barely afford. When we started looking at these points that is when I realized, yes I love that house but I also love being able to say "hey why don't we get pizza for diner or how about this summer we go here on vacation". Because honestly the kids only care about the roof over their heads, they don't care weather or not we have a marble floor or a wood floor in our foyer.
Hope this helps you.

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Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 926
Loc: NY
No not whining [Re: baldric]
      #542264 - 06/05/09 07:15 AM

the bigger house, earning more etc etc I can't buy into...unless you live in a really bad place now and realistically do need to improve your living style...but if you live in an average home now and she wants more and nags you for it...well thats not good and as a woman I feel its wrong...does she work outside the home? in todays economy why saddle yourself with something bigger and possibly more costly...especially if the financial burden falls primarily on you...

as for the lost intimacy, been there done that...and lack of intimacy is the DEATH OF A RELATIONSHIP...I can only compare my marriage where that was an issue to where I am today...and I would never go back

I agree with the poster below, make an effort even though you dont want to to reach her feminine side, notes, out to dinner, if there isn't enough time or whatever...YOU make the take care of the arrangements dont make her be the one to get the do it...take it out of her hands and surprise her...and if after doing all that it does not change...well then you got a problem don't you......

house work, jobs, kids, bills, cleaning...all take its toll on a marriage....those things can su c k the life right out of the relationship...the thing is to figure out how to keep the romance alive which will keep the intimacy going

a coworker was experiencing what you have was suggested she put their young child with relatives for the weekend book a getaway and do it....they did and they are back on track now and have decided they will do it once a month...

i wish you luck and hope the suggestions work...if you can't save the intimacy and you both just live there like roomates then that sounds dismal...buying a "better" house will not fix it and it will only make it worse
and if your wife is a SAHM then that will even more cloud the issues...

i do hope you can save the a woman who had this happen she needs a wake up call...

i may get bashed here but WE ARE ALL work, she works whether as SAHM or whatever....we can't forget each other in this process and when we do...well this is what happens..

have you told her how you really feel to make her see the reality as harsh as it may seem?

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Reged: 06/01/09
Posts: 6
Re: No not whining [Re: Annie7676]
      #542714 - 06/05/09 10:03 PM

Thanks for the suggestions/feedback folks.

I will ponder them

(excluding the hitman comment, given the amount of domestic violence in the world, that isn't even remotely humorous as a suggestion).

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Reged: 06/07/09
Posts: 6
Loc: MN
Re: No not whining [Re: baldric]
      #543130 - 06/07/09 04:41 PM

I empathize with your situation, in fact, I see myself in your comments. I appreciate most (not the hitman, of course) comments. Although, I think you may be beyond needing a date night or weekend to save your marriage. It is difficult to see how my marriage can keep going (not to mention growing) with the "glue." HE is willing to keep being miserable and not intimate. Go figure. I have been told that one person cannot save a marriage. I finally agree. If my efforts and willpower alone could save this, then it would be done by now. Good luck. If you figure a way to fix your marriage, please post again as I'm out out of ideas and have started to think of a way out.

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Reged: 08/15/07
Posts: 3
Re: What to do? (whining I guess) [Re: baldric]
      #543132 - 06/07/09 04:45 PM

Tell her exactly what you told us here. Only find a good time to do it. Stay relaxed and do not get upset.

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Reged: 06/05/09
Posts: 3
Re: What to do? (whining I guess) [Re: Lillian]
      #543870 - 06/09/09 12:38 AM

Same problem here. Are you sure she is not sleeping around on you?

I know thats what happened to me, similar story.

I was married for 2 years, after 2 years she wanted to move back home, so i built us a house, quit my job and we moved north. 6 months later i find out she is sleeping around, i am in a new town, no job, i know none here.

Sexually, same as you, she never wanted to .. was always something.

I would say start putting away money, cut back spending, and don't buy that house. If you buy the house she will keep it. also don't buy any new cars .. also more for her to take.

I would find out why she is like this, if anything like my ex wife ... she is only happy when new things come into her life. She became very material after we got married.

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