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paulb
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Reged: 06/15/09
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Loc: WA, USA
Separated and in Love with Twin Flame
      #545957 - 06/15/09 04:55 PM

I was reading memphisman1's post of "Separated and in Love with Childhood Sweetheart". My situation is very similar, except with a few significant twists...

I was married for 9 years, but I divorced 4 years ago and am now ready for another serious relationship. My ex-wife and I have two children - 11 and 9. After our first son was born, her life slowly became nothing but watching TV, staying on the internet all night long and then sleeping all day. If it wasn't for me, the kids would have eaten candy for breakfast 7 days a week. My ex-wife became addicted to AOL chat rooms (in combination with her smoking) and started meeting men online and eventually flying off to visit them in person. She swears that every affair was emotional only, but I've never believed that. I helped her to see a Psychiatrist, and he basically told her that she needed to grow up, and thought I should be seeing him for staying in a relationship with such an irresponsible woman.

Anyway, my ex's last emotional affair was the last straw for me too. She moved into her parentís house and she has custody of our children. She is on medication for epilepsy and the only reason she has the children is because I know her parents step in with care giving when she falls short (which is often). I see my children as often as I can (every 2 weeks) but it's difficult because I live in another city in another country now.

Near the end of April 2009, right out of the blue an old long-lost childhood sweetheart of mine found me on facebook. I always considered her my first love and soul mate -- more than that, I consider her my Twin Flame (google it). As we were catching up, it turned out that she had been through the same thing I have -- a very bad marriage of betrayal and mistrust with a very self-destructive partner that needed to "grow-up". We clicked instantly. She told me that several times throughout her marriage she tried to leave her husband, but could never just quite do it because of her children. I know that feeling because I stayed in my marriage far too long for the same reason. We also spoke of how our lives had gone in two separate directions and stated that if things were different we probably would have dated and even married and had children with each other.

I've always had a problem of moving way too fast in my relationships, and with her I made no exception. The first week of May 2009 of being united with her was like a whirl-wind. She moved out of her townhouse and into her own apartment, and separated from her husband. The month (May 2009) that followed was like a dream come true for both of us, with truly the most magical, better than any fictional storybook romance, of magnetically intense feelings of indescribable attractions on all levels (mental, emotional, physical, spiritual). We fell deeply in love.

The beginning of June however, reality set in. She became flooded with feelings of being lost and confused. She found herself trying to sort through all her feelings at once. She became disappointed in herself for allowing herself to ignore her intuition and rush into things so fast. When she's with me it was easy for her to lose sight of what she really should be doing. Only when she's alone is she able to think properly about everything (her children, mine, her marriage, her and I). She had so much anxiety about whether she was doing the right thing that she hadn't been able to feel all of these feelings because her energy had been transferred to us and our childhood feelings. She hadnít had time to rationally think about what it is that she truly wants because she had been completely wrapped up in a fantasy with me, and we weren't being realistic at all. Everything she felt was confirmed when her oldest son began to act up and she had to sit with him alone for a couple hours talking about how he felt, and he said ďMommy why is <INSERT MY NAME HERE> more important than me and <INSERT HIS BROTHER'S NAME HERE> ?Ē. Of course she told him that wasnít true, but he was right for thinking that because she hadnít given her children the one-on-one attention they deserved since her and I started talking.

Last week she experienced one the hardest of nights she ever had in a truly long time. It was the first night the children approached her about why her and her husband are not together, and it turned into a very long night of crying and reassuring, watching her youngest son weep about missing his father and not understanding why "Mommy and Daddy" wont be living together anymore, and that broke her that night. She watched her son fall asleep crying, and felt that they blamed her for every thing that has gone on. That night she truly was in a very dark place and was unsure how to deal with the situation. She knew she'd find clarity and be able to take this stuff on eventually, but for now she's searching.

She now knows that she has to leave the children out of this right now, meaning that she doesn't think it's appropriate for her and I to speak around them, because she believes it is really confusing them. She also doesn't think itís right for her to have a relationship with another man while her children are so young. She wants to live her life selflessly for them, and then she wants to find herself again, and she wants to do that alone. She now realizes that she has been leaning on me too much. She has been using me to help get her through all of this, and not doing it on her own. She contemplated how fast we moved and how we completely jumped past friendship to lovers, and she said that maybe that is what she needed at the time, but that she needs to refocus on herself, and she can't do that when she's in contact with me. She married very young, and never had the opportunity to really date as a single person, and she says that she also wants the opportunity to do that now so that she won't later have any regrets about never having done that. She's not looking for a serious relationship, only to go out to the bars and nightclubs as a single woman with her girlfriends sometimes and have some fun. And let whatever happens, happens -- without feeling guilty.

Two days ago we mutually thought it best if I stay completely out of her life and have no further contact with her until such time she thinks she's ready and contacts me. This is extremely painful for us both to say the least. For her because she has so much to deal with and work through. For me knowing that she might go on casual dates with other men for fun with the possibility of sex if she says there's a spark. She's not saying she WILL have sex with other men, but she just doesn't want to 100% rule out that chance like she says she'd have to if we were together.

All advice is welcomed and appreciated.


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Redlegg
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Re: Separated and in Love with Twin Flame [Re: paulb]
      #546002 - 06/16/09 06:21 AM

She's not looking for a serious relationship, only to go out to the bars and nightclubs as a single woman with her girlfriends sometimes and have some fun. And let whatever happens, happens -- without feeling guilty.


Let her do what she wants, never see her again. If what she is doing would cause guilt with you, you need no more. She is an adult, she can control herself , and if she wanted to be with you, she would. You are now officially the fallback position. Let her go


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paulb
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Reged: 06/15/09
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Re: Separated and in Love with Twin Flame [Re: Redlegg]
      #546083 - 06/16/09 11:39 AM

She loves me very much and does want to be with me, she just can't right now given the circumstances.

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Redlegg
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Re: Separated and in Love with Twin Flame [Re: paulb]
      #546109 - 06/16/09 12:48 PM

Yes, she does love you very much that is why she wants to go out to bars, and nightclubs as a single woman with her girlfriends and have some fun, without feeling guilty, whatever happens. Yes, she loves you very much, that is why she wants that. When she gets done, nothing better than circumstances that have changed, and her one true love waiting for her.

I am sorry for her to say that, and the possibility of sex, sorry. Think abotu you saying that to her. I love you, but right now I want to go to the clubs, and there is the possibility of me having sex with other women, but I really love you. Sorry, she wants what she wants, and it is not the same thing you want.


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love_above
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Reged: 05/08/09
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Re: Separated and in Love with Twin Flame [Re: Redlegg]
      #546256 - 06/17/09 08:05 AM

I would have to say that was a hard thing to swallow, because it was honest, I do believe that she loves you, but I also think she wants to live the single life, and not string you along, so please for your sake don't wait for her, because there might be someone that's right for you and you just might pass that person up waiting for this one. Take it from a mother and a divorced wife as well. I have also refallen in love with a wonderful man that I love and he loves me, but we remember how we met and it was on this chat line, we have been dating for 7 months, so far we are doing very well. I just want you to date too! Life is too short live it up!!!

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paulb
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Reged: 06/15/09
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Loc: WA, USA
Re: Separated and in Love with Twin Flame [Re: love_above]
      #546408 - 06/17/09 10:31 PM

Well folks it's over...

Yesterday she told me she loved me. After I told her that I feel as if her love for me has been diminishing over the past couple weeks, today I finally got her to admit that although she cares about me very much, she doesn't love me anymore like she used to. She also admitted to having been on dates with someone else. She also said today that she does not see us ever being together as a couple.

I really appreciated all the advice and support everyone gave here.

Thank you!


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shortmarriage
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Re: Separated and in Love with Twin Flame [Re: paulb]
      #546412 - 06/17/09 11:30 PM

I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

But, I must admit, that when I read your post, it's seemed that she was simply using you. I apologize. I know that sounds very harsh.

She is fresh out of a marriage, right? Not even divorced yet, just separated with kids? And immediately she's re-connected with you and in love?

I've been married 2 years, no kids, and he's holding up the divorce and I refuse to get involved with anyone seriously. That's me though. It takes time to heal and start a new relationship off in the right way (even if it's an old connection-BTDT). I just don't think it works out for either party in the long run, short term can be bliss though. I'm sorry, I know it hurts! Because you may be there, and she's not (even though she thought she was).

She was using you as a means to have her deal with you, while she's working through what she should- for herself and her kids. That was not fair to you and I think it's much better that you found out now rather than later.

I'm sorry, but when I first read your post, I thought she was stringing you along. Be glad that she cut you loose before more time, emotions, and money were invested.

You'll be better off. You don't want to start off the relationship being a doormat. Time to move on.


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paulb
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Reged: 06/15/09
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Loc: WA, USA
Re: Separated and in Love with Twin Flame [Re: shortmarriage]
      #546620 - 06/18/09 12:35 PM

Thank you very much for your sentiments, shortmarriage.

I have come to realize that I got involved in an "Exit Affair" with her (google it). Extremely poor decision on my part that I won't repeat. From now on I'll only be getting involved with a legally non-married, non-separated woman that's emotionally ready for a relationship.


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AloneInTheDark
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Re: Separated and in Love with Twin Flame [Re: paulb]
      #582802 - 09/29/09 10:12 AM

I watched a news show or maybe it was a news arcticle one time about the old flames finding each other after a lot of years apart did not work in most cases. After leaving their spouses even to get back with the old flames, most found that it was a mistake. That their was a reason they broke up in the first place and it really didnt change why. Basically the vast majority of old flames getting back together just did not work and a lot of those who left left their marriages for it even, realized they made a mistake that they couldnt undo.

--------------------
AloneInTheDark but life goes even without being a Dad any more.


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christine1
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Re: Separated and in Love with Twin Flame [Re: AloneInTheDark]
      #583502 - 09/30/09 12:11 PM

HI,

I am sorry for your situation, it is sad! She may love you but what she has been through is very traumatic. She needs time to find herself, etc. If I were you I would not get my hopes up for reuniting (sorry). You need to move forward.


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