justjaded
recently joined
Reged: 04/02/07
Posts: 20
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Ok Yes I am 34 going on 90 because I have been in a sexless marriage for 5 years first of all. Secondly, I am human and need love and not just a backrub!
That was putting it mildly but I feel this topic is so overlooked its just funny now. But in all actuality its killing this marriage. My husband is 14 years older than me and works like a dog for 8 months and then unemployed the rest of the time. I work from home so it makes the winter that much longer with him here all the time. I enjoy my time to mylself but when he does come home I want to feel wanted, appreciated and put bluntly get some action. I realize that having a son ( not by him) in the same house with thin walls its impossible for this to happen. (his words) but I feel I got ripped off from day one. I thought a marriage was to have an intimate relationship with your partner but I was wrong by a long shot. It has become a convienence financially. At this point, I am fed up and just a plain [censored], and he wonders why? We have no health insurance so therapy of any kind is out of the question right now, any other suggestions?
Frustrated to no end.
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johnson27
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 07/31/08
Posts: 2435
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What about counseling thru a church?
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Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
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justjaded
recently joined
Reged: 04/02/07
Posts: 20
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We do not belong or attend church and I doubt he would go for that. I am game for anything at this point. Thanks
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losingfaith
addict
Reged: 01/26/09
Posts: 650
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What about the father of the child, can’t he take son for a weekend so the 2 of you can spend some quality time together or do you have family that the child can spend a weekend with?
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Standing above the crowd he had a voice that was strong and loud
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justjaded
recently joined
Reged: 04/02/07
Posts: 20
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The father is in the picture every other weekend and Wed. I work those nights and he is sleeping when I get home. ( I just picked up another job outside of the house. Other than that he is with me all the time. Plus, can't you have sex while children are home or is that a no no- Because I had eight brothers and sisters in the house while growing up and they obiviously had it while we were home. Plus my son goes to sleep at 830. SO? Now what? If I bring the conversation up he changes the subject. I am resorting to writing him a letter today. What should I write.
Ahem- Dear Husband- I am writing because I am frustrated. Please hear me out!
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johnson27
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 07/31/08
Posts: 2435
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I think a letter is a great way to open the lines of communication. This way you can think about what you want to say before you say it. A letter leaves out possible perceived ugly gestures/tones. Also gives you a chance to word how you feel in a way that doesn't seem like he's being attacked. It's been my experience that ppl will respond much more willingly when they don't feel like they are being blamed or attacked. So instead of saying you do this, say this is how I feel when this happens or when this doesn't happen.
Also ask that the two of you get together to actually discuss this verbally after he's read the letter. When you do, allow him to speak without interrupting and try to be understanding of how he feels or where he's coming from also, because afterall that is what you are expecting him to do for you too.
I honestly don't know why it is he could be holding out, maybe the issues with a child being in the house are valid, maybe there is something going on with him physically that he is too embarrassed to share, maybe he feels disconnected if your jobs are keeping you away most of the time...I have no idea, but I do believe he should be honest with you about what's going on because thats the only way it's going to get worked out. And if the issue of the child being in the house is valid, then you guys should work together to come up with ways to have these *meetings* at other times when the child is not in the house. But it's going to take cooperation on not only your part but his too.
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Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
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justjaded
recently joined
Reged: 04/02/07
Posts: 20
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Ok this all sounds great but I feel like I have done this before and his response is he should go back on steroids. Well, thats how he got cancer in the first place in my opinion. (5ys recovered) He also states we have done the creams, the injections, and followups but erection is not the issue. Its his lack of interest, his attitude when I want if, him holding it over my head if we did do something or saying why would he want to since I am such a "B" or the child routine. I just think he doesn't care. Plus when it does happen ( maybe five times in five years) and never oral ever! I just think many things like he just used me to get away from his mothers house. We met in Jan, engaged in March and married in Nov,. It was way too fast now that I think about it. I did not know him and he did not know me and still he does not know what I like or what I want. But I know what he doesn't like. ME!
His first wife 20 years ago left him for a women and now I can see why. I know this is mean but its true. I could do the same if he doesn't step up to the plate.
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baldric
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Reged: 06/01/09
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It's pretty obvious at this point you are fairly wound up about this, and no wonder.
I agree, its not right for a married couple to lack intimacy. I posted a similar post on a similar problem a week or two back in regard to my own problems
Basically, I laid the 'this needs to change or I'm moving out of the bedroom and we'll see where it goes.'
That shocked her into a change, I remains to be seen if its a lasting difference, or that was the only issue we had.
The 'kid in the house' thing is could be some kind of excuse, but it could be some deep rooted fear/hang up, you won't know unless you ask and figure out a work around.
There are books you can get off Amazon on this topic, and a letter is a good way of raising it without the potential confrontation of verbal discussion.
Communication is key, you've got to get you point across and elicit his feelings in response. Are there relationship resources you can potentially access with little cost from govt or social welfare groups?
In Australia, we have Relationship Australia ( http://www.relationships.com.au/ ) which has some resources.
I know, as a male, I need to have things pried out of me.
Best of luck.
And if none of that works, get out. The next 40 years is a long time without sex and intimacy
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justjaded
recently joined
Reged: 04/02/07
Posts: 20
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Ok I wrote the letter and I should tell you what I said. I read it many times before he recieved it and I felt much better but now the cats out of the bag.
Letter:
Dear H-
I am writing to open the line of communication. First I want to tell you how I feel.
#1- FRUSTRATED
#2- ANGRY
#3- BITTER
#4- RESENTFUL
#5- UNATTRACTIVE
#6-SEXLESS
#7- UNAMUSED
#8-SPITEFULL
i AM 34 and in my prime and feel ripped off. I feel ripped off because I have to beg and bleep about sex. Do you realize you have not performed cunninglis in five years? If I told anyone that they would be like "F that. Thats a deal breaker, I am out". I have not I handled it with out. I feel angry because I need to write letters and act like a bleep. ( Well thats a good enough reason for me)
I am frustrated because we cannot satisfy each other emotionally or sexually and your answer is you will take illegal testosterone! or your snap back and say your suck a bleep. or "you smoke" or you cum too hard or the childs here or "Oh just roll over or " the dog is here" or anything else that breaks the deal or which ever excuse you come up with. I have given you everything a home, a meal everynight, a clean house, love and understanding and you have given me material things, but I am a simple girl who just wants love not gifts. I would rather live in a tent and get laid than have you hand me your paycheck every friday. I have other needs. I am sorry whatever your peroblem is but please admit your not attracted to me-PERIOD! You do not want me as a wife. Your want me for an escape from your family and I see that now. This is how I feel. I am tired of going to bed with just a backrub and going to sleep pissed off and resentful. I can not be in a sexless marriage. I can not live so deprived of love and intimacy. I can not keep holding out. I will eventually cheat on you. (BTW I am not a cheater either I would get divorced first). You need to step up and be a man. A man who keeps his wife happy and not with gifts or backrubs either.I am not being mean about it, just honest. This does not just go away when your done reading this. It needs to be fixed PRONTO! I am giving you a week to figure this out then I am deciding what needs to be done. I am serious! This has gone on long enough unfixed. I love sex and many ways so you better get busy making this work not just "Turn over". I will no longer beg or plead with you. I have said my peace, it all you now.
PS- The steriods are not allowed in my home nor accepted as a treatment option. You need to explain why you choose not to be intimate with me. Maybe its a childhood thing but I need to know.
Ok he reads the letter and says interesting letter! Do you want me to move out? I say no you need to fix this. He says I am embarresed enough. He then says your think I am not attracted to you? I said yup! He said so your going to have an affair in a week? I said I dont cheat. He said why do you stay with me and I say I don't know the answer to that. That was the conversation end of story. I go to bed pissed! The end.
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javajunkiee
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/01/08
Posts: 3158
Loc: SC
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You're understandably pissed, but jeez -- who the hell wants to *** somebody who is
#1- FRUSTRATED
#2- ANGRY
#3- BITTER
#4- RESENTFUL
#5- UNATTRACTIVE
#6-SEXLESS
#7- UNAMUSED
#8-SPITEFULL ?????
If a man handed YOU that letter would you drop your clothes in passion or obligation??? Or tell him to go jack off?
If he won't go to counseling, you should, and in the meantime buy a vibrator if you're that horny. With the approach you're taking he's probably going to get laid alright. He's going to find someone who makes him not feel like he's piece of dirt who only brings misery.
Personally, it sounds like there are bigger problems in your marriage, and the lack of sex is just a symptom. Does this man have ANY redeeming value to you? If not, then leave already. Your anger is only making BOTH of you more miserable.
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Marriage doesn't come with a money-back guarantee.
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justjaded
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Reged: 04/02/07
Posts: 20
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Well in reguards to javajunkies response, this was a slap in the face but obviously right on. There are definatly more problems in the marriage and maybe I am just making waves by giving him the letter but I thought I was supposed to write how I felt since the communication is nill. I may have gone overboard with finger pointing but I have a right to state my perspective and thought, so I thought. I have been in therapy on and off since I was young. He has not. I have tried the vibrator thing but thats not passion or love and I think I deserve more than that. As far as redeeming value. He is a good step father ( a little annoying about his authority but overall a better dad than my sons father). Hes a provider, he cleans, he does laundry, he takes care of the dog, goes to work everyday, he has a great body-works out everyday, what more could a girl ask for? How about feeling wanted, loved and appreciated? Your right I am angry and making us more miserable so I will ponder what your have said. He deserves someone who doesn't treat him like crap and so do I.
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johnson27
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 07/31/08
Posts: 2435
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Wow. You obviously didn't take my advice on how to word the letter. You feel that you are being treated wrong, but do you think by treating him wrong in return that you will get what you're looking for??? By speaking to him like that, regardless of what he has or hasn't done, you are only placing a bigger gap in your relationship with him.
The best way to turn a situation around is to start with yourself. You will get nowhere pointing fingers and placing blame if you don't look at what needs to be changed with yourself first. If someone approached you in the manner that you did him, how would you have responded??
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Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
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justjaded
recently joined
Reged: 04/02/07
Posts: 20
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Your all right! I do need to work on myself, alot. But so does he. I did order the book you mentioned and anxiously await reading it. I do want my relationship to work. Maybe, accepting the fact he battled cancer-alone. Maybe being more supportive with his issues. Maybe being nicer. Maybe asking him to write me a letter too about what I need to change. Because obviously he has a problem with me, right? I have alot to think about and I guess I owe him an appology. Thanks all for being brutally honest. The work beings with me I get it. I would love to see what your letters would have looked like though, I tend to go off on a tangent and obviously thats a problem.
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johnson27
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 07/31/08
Posts: 2435
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Maybe, accepting the fact he battled cancer-alone
----------> I'm not sure I understand this, why is there any acceptance for the fact he battled cancer alone? Was he diagnosed during your relationship/marriage and wanted to handle it alone? I'm sorry, I'm confused.
Maybe being more supportive with his issues.
---------> What are his issues?
Maybe asking him to write me a letter too about what I need to change. Because obviously he has a problem with me, right?
---------> Remember, this isn't about pointing out what each others faults are...this is about recognition of our own faults and feelings. For example, instead of saying I get frustrated and angry when *you* don't (fill in the blank), say....It makes me very sad when we don't (fill in the blank).
I would offer an apology, but go in not expecting an apology back. This can be a major problem in relationships, we all have ideas of what or how we think our spouse/SO should respond or react, and when they don't react the way *we* think they should we get upset.
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Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
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justjaded
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Posts: 20
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accepting the fact he battled cancer-alone
He did not tell anyone he was going through cancer, except another massage therapist and myself. (thats how I met him)
Having reprocussions from the chemo- infertile.
Pretending he never had cancer.
Those issues.
His issues besides not being able to provide children?
He is a biggot, socially retarded, unaccepting of ANY or my friends, NEGATIVE all the time, and constantly interfering with my child support that I am supposed to get and never do. He hates that I smoke yet he chews tobacco. He works for an idiot who does not provide health insurance and I think thats it besides the obvious.
I never expect an appology but some how he always does. Tonight is the first night I work a Friday night so lets see if he comes to visit which I told him to give me a few weeks before he "visits". I do not piss at his job btw. Boy am I miserable or what. Please God Help me!
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johnson27
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 07/31/08
Posts: 2435
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Were none of these issues addressed BEFORE you and him married??
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Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
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losingfaith
addict
Reged: 01/26/09
Posts: 650
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Sounds a bit far fetched
I don't buy it
It’s like tiring to read a book that is only giving you one half of one side of the story.
I could be wrong but something is a miss with all of this, I just can't put my finger on it.
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Standing above the crowd he had a voice that was strong and loud
Edited by losingfaith (06/26/09 02:18 PM)
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Yes_Dad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 08/23/08
Posts: 7406
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Quote:
accepting the fact he battled cancer-alone
He did not tell anyone he was going through cancer, except another massage therapist and myself. (thats how I met him)
Having reprocussions from the chemo- infertile.
Pretending he never had cancer.
Those issues.
His issues besides not being able to provide children?
He is a biggot, socially retarded, unaccepting of ANY or my friends, NEGATIVE all the time, and constantly interfering with my child support that I am supposed to get and never do. He hates that I smoke yet he chews tobacco. He works for an idiot who does not provide health insurance and I think thats it besides the obvious.
I never expect an appology but some how he always does. Tonight is the first night I work a Friday night so lets see if he comes to visit which I told him to give me a few weeks before he "visits". I do not piss at his job btw. Boy am I miserable or what. Please God Help me!
Were you a "couple" when he was battling cancer.
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DeeCan
veteran
Reged: 04/05/08
Posts: 1266
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If I can feel the frost coming off you here - just in reading, I can only imagine what your husband is feeling.
The man is 48 years old. While he's not old by no means, he's not exactly a Spring chicken anymore either. He IS going to run into some health issues and it seems he's already had some which are going to take it's toll on him physically.
Instead of focusing on what he's not doing, focus on the WHY. Is it because your so friggin' angry? Refocus and work on changing that attitude. Is it medical - possibly loss of testosterone (Andropause)? You don't need insurance for that - you can testosterone in OTC creams.
But I don't think ANYTHING will change until you calm down a bit and are willing to see past what's not going on to what possibly could be.
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Don't drink and park, accidents cause people.
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Yes_Dad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 08/23/08
Posts: 7406
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A sexless marriage simply means one partner has fallen out of love with the other.
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finz
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/17/08
Posts: 6495
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Let's start at the beginning......What made you fall in love with him ? Did your sex life change drastically after you got married or was it always this way ?
You don't sound like you like anything about him.......Do you really want to try to save this marriage ?
If you do want to save it, you might want to write another letter and have someone rread it before you give it to him. The purpose of writing your thoughts down is too edit what you are communicating to try to encourage your spouse to try to meet your needs.
I understand that you are feeling very frustrated and angry, but attacking him is not likely to ellicit his romantic feelings.
You can explain your feelings without attacking him. Use only "I" sentences. Try writing a letter where you don't say "you" at all. For example:
"I need to feel sexually appreciated to feel loved."
"I fantasize about having oral sex performed on me and I really miss not getting to experience that."
NOT:
"I need YOU to do xyz."
"What is wrong with YOU that YOU don't want to have sex more ?"
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justjaded
recently joined
Reged: 04/02/07
Posts: 20
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I do want to save my marriage! I fell in love with him for a couple of reasons. One he can make me laugh like no one else. Two, I believed he saved my life. I was a drug addict when I met him (bad ones too). He sort of knew that but not really. I have been clean for over five years! When we met also he was finishing chemotherapy and when he got a clean bill of health in March he took me to Florida and proposed on the way home (on the plane-the pilot told me to stand up and of course I said yes) We married in Nov. but through out that time, I wanted to do things differently in the relationship base it on something other than sex. Which I did very well. It was limited though to holidays and special times. Now years later, I feel deprived. Listen I am not perfect, I don't claim to be nor do I expect anyone to be especially my husband. I understand this takes work and I am willing to put in the hours. I am trying things differntly since all you have given me sound advise and yes the good news has arrived and we had some amazing sex the other night. Still no cunninglus but I am holding out. I am awaiting a book suggested. I am trying to be less B***tchy and we shall see what happens. I do love my husband and he has the most amazing eyes I have ever seen. Sometimes I look at him and think he is just too cute. But other times he just annoys the H out of me. I thank you for all the comments and will keep you updated on our progress. I am not willing to give up.
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javajunkiee
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/01/08
Posts: 3158
Loc: SC
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"But other times he just annoys the H out of me."
Probably every married person in the WORLD can identify with that, lmao! Heck, I can, and I'm not even married to my man.
Good luck jaded. I hope things work out for you and your H.
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Marriage doesn't come with a money-back guarantee.
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