lsutton
enthusiast
Reged: 08/15/06
Posts: 226
Loc: Indiana
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I read all these posts on here and I think about all the things people have to put up with in marriages, all the struggles they are going through to save them, all they are willing to do in order to make things better. Then I step back and look at mine. It's me! I don't understand why I just can't be happy with what I have. He is a good man, a good father. Yes he travels but that's just part of what he has to do in order to provide for his family. I have to figure out what it is in me that is always causing problems.
I read a quote today that made me step back and think. The hardest-learned lesson: that people have only their kind of love to give, not our kind. It's like I expect him to love me the way I love him. How do I know how he loves me? Maybe he is loving me the best he knows how. I get jealous so fast and am so envious of his time he gets to be away. I get frustrated that his sexual appetite is about zero which then makes me think he must have something else on the side. It's just a never ending circle or anger and fights.
I know the kind of man he is and I know that he would make some woman very happy, maybe just not me. There must be something wrong with me and I just wish I could figure it out. UGH! Stupid feelings!
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losingfaith
addict
Reged: 01/26/09
Posts: 650
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NO, not stupid at all. It's ok to feel like this.
I have always believed a truly sane person will always question themselves, their feelings and their motives from time to time.
I have much more on this but I have a meeting in 20 mins that I have to prepare for.
sit tight and in the immortal words of Arnold Schwarzenegger...
I'll Be Back
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Standing above the crowd he had a voice that was strong and loud
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losingfaith
addict
Reged: 01/26/09
Posts: 650
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Ok so I'm sorry about how long it took me to get back with you
As I said before it’s ok to feel doubtful but I honestly don’t think you should give up unless you feel that strongly about it. Basically in a nut shell I think you should do what ever it is that will make you happy in the end.
So if you feel that strongly about wanting out of your marriage then by all means you should not listen to me telling you not to give up. No one should live like a slave but please before you make that decision consider all the lives that this will affect and take some time to weigh the consequences against the action.
I do want to point out a few things...
...as far as the sex is concerned they make pills for that.
...as far as the lack of attention towards you that can be worked on.
Basically there is a fix for all of the problems; it's all up to the two of you in the end where you want this to go from here.
I truly hope the two of you don't end it but you guys have to do what you have to do I guess.
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Standing above the crowd he had a voice that was strong and loud
Edited by losingfaith (07/27/09 07:18 PM)
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lsutton
enthusiast
Reged: 08/15/06
Posts: 226
Loc: Indiana
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I don't want to give up to tell you the truth. I just can't figure out why I get so upset. I mean women have to deal with far much worse then me. I am always paranoid because he is traveling so much. I just wish my whole "unsure about things" attitude would change to a positive "I wanna fix this" attitude. I am truly trying but it's hard to explain. I don't want this to fail. Almost 16 years and 5 kids and we have accomplished so much. I just want to be able to enjoy life with him and it seems almost impossible.
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losingfaith
addict
Reged: 01/26/09
Posts: 650
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Well that's good because I was coming here today to re-post some things concerning this.
So, that said…
I sat last night thinking about all we have talked about, and maybe I was wrong in my first post to you about a month ago. I gave my opinion about how I thought you should not bring up the whole "he has a job that takes him away from us so much" thing to him simply because you said it has started many fights in the past. Well after putting more thought into it, maybe you should bring it up to him, if you feel that strongly about it.
If you do, may I suggest the two of you do it this time with out arguing? I say that because it’s important to keep in mind that sometimes simply by bring up certain things can and often do put people on the defensive right from the start; especially when asking about things that normally start arguments and things of this nature. I know that's easier said than done given your earlier response, so maybe this approach will help...
Try having a day that the two of you can spend some time together (maybe a lunch; or something of that nature). Try starting off the convocation with some light humor. By doing so, it should help not only to lighten the overall mood of things but it should also help keep the mood light. After the mood has been set don’t just dive into the issue (again something that could possibly put him on the defensive) but rather try to explain to him first what your intent is.
Basically I would start off by explaining that this is simply your feeling regarding this matter, and it would mean a lot to “you” if “he” would not only take them “seriously” but also “listen” and “help you to address this issue.” If it were me I would tell him how when he is gone “you” miss him dearly; I know the kids do too but remember this is about how the situation makes you feel not the kids. I personally don’t think you should make this about the kids because I don’t think it will help the situation if he feels like he is being given a guilt trip by you saying “the kid’s need you too,” trust me I’m sure he knows they miss him too. So like I said lets keep this about you and him. lay it all out for him and don’t push, but rather the two of you come to an agreement. A common ground if you will to address this problem.
Remember the goal here is to start rebuilding your relationship and hopefully by doing that it will remove the feeling of wanting to through in the towel.
Best of luck
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Standing above the crowd he had a voice that was strong and loud
Edited by losingfaith (07/31/09 09:25 AM)
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mom4life
enthusiast
Reged: 06/27/08
Posts: 364
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I did something with my husband trying to make him see what time he has left with his children. He works away a lot and even bids gangs to make even more money, that he would then just blow on whatever. Your husband does not sound like mine, so maybe on him it would work.
I got a glass bowl, like the kind you would put a fish in. I went and got marbles and for every weekend that he has left with his daughter (she is going into the 9th grade) I put in a marble. You will be shocked at how many marbles you have in that bowl. It kinda puts it into reality.
And as far as being happy, you have to be happy with yourself before anyone can be happy with you. And I know that is not easy to do, but you have to find out what makes you happy. You could also try the Love Book. It has really helped a lot of couples that I know. Its hard to do and there will be many times that you don't want to, but from all that have done it, if you stick it out your relationship will be renewed and in a better place.
I wish you luck.
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shadwman70
recently joined
Reged: 07/31/09
Posts: 6
Loc: Colorado
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I need help.....need to talk to someone....feel like I am choking to death....in actuality my marriage is choking to death,....and it is killing me....no one to talk to .....it is killing me......I love my wife and my daughter very much.....cant stand this
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mom4life
enthusiast
Reged: 06/27/08
Posts: 364
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Hi shadwman70,
I am sorry about your situation. It is tough to be able to save a marriage. Maybe you can try the things that I have listed above your post. You could also read a book called the Love Language. I know the authers last name is Chapman.
You might also want to find a counsler to talk to.
You also have to post a new thread by clicking on the button that says post. And it will start your own thread.
Good Luck!
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