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vyperprincesss
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Reged: 08/07/09
Posts: 2
despair
      #564508 - 08/07/09 03:44 PM

Hi Everyone, Well my problem is probably like most I am trying to hold on to a marriage. My problem is we fight only when I speak up about how I feel I will hold it in for a long time and take and take but then I finally say something and he goes into silent mode and I am not talking for a couple of days its months of it. then when I try to talk to him he is completely oblivious to what started the fight and then blames me and also says a totally different thing blaming it on my kids when it didnt even involve them. now he says I lost him and move on but I didnt do anything all i did was react on how he treated me and now he says i lost him I dont know what to do now. If I leave my dogs and everything would suffer. I cannot afford to leave either his income is the main support I work but only part time. I dont know what to do anymore

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javajunkiee
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Reged: 06/01/08
Posts: 3195
Loc: SC
Re: despair [Re: vyperprincesss]
      #564612 - 08/08/09 12:00 AM

Sorry you're having a hard time vyper. Have you and your husband tried marriage counseling?

FYI - You're apparently used to text msg typing -- on a forum you'll get more responses if you go old school. Type like you're writing a letter.

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Marriage doesn't come with a money-back guarantee.


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Really_Tired
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Reged: 07/29/09
Posts: 22
Re: despair [Re: javajunkiee]
      #565946 - 08/12/09 01:56 AM

"when I speak up about how I feel I will hold it in for a long time and take and take but then I finally say something and he goes into silent mode and I am not talking for a couple of days its months of it"

Quite honestly, don't hold it in. When it's an issue that is scale enough to bother you for that long if you keep it to yourself; it's obviously a significant issue. Take the time to asses how you feel about each situation and come to a resolution on how to effectively communicate it to him (in a timely manner). Don't weasle your way to a confrontation either. Generally, we men appreciate a more straight forward approach. Remember, the longer issues are swept under the rug in an effort to forgive and forget, the more resentment piles up.

Relationships can seem to be fairytale for the first couple years or so as many people try to ignore issues to not interrupt the "magic" that they have. Maybe cool for the first little while, but in time the lack of effective problem solving will create a tension that tends to outweight the love and intimacy.

I've heard people talk about loving someone vs. being in love with someone. My ex wife said to me "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." Is this any different than simply having a solid amount of love and intimacy together? Loving someone and still having that tingle from them? I'd say no. Successful relationships take real effective problemsolving to prosper. If most of your thoughts are being filled by the negativity of resentment from issues not dealt with, do you have emotional space to feel the "in-love"? No, but that doesn't mean it's gone. Just dormant.

Like Java said, marriage counseling can be a good idea because it provides a mediator who can help with solving issues unbiased and effectively.

Nothing is going to come back until the issues that put you two this far are understood and resolved. So try to change up your approach, don't bottle it up, present it in a calm manner, and things slowly work out. It's a long process, but it becomes habit and is well worth it.


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