nolonger
enthusiast
Reged: 09/15/08
Posts: 305
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According to my S7, dad said, "I don't give a F-ing shart about you. You can go run away, live with your mom. Whatever. I'm done with you!" all because my ex thought S7 had oreo cookies for breakfast.
What would you do? We are basically only using text and email. Me, to communicate about the kids. He to further abuse me while he communicates about the kids.
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Mom2Girls
addict
Reged: 06/14/05
Posts: 461
Loc: RI
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Hi,
Been down this road, unfortunatly sometimes grownups don't always do or say the right thing. You also can not control what goes on in your Ex's home, nor should you try to. It's MHO that by texting/emailing you may even make the situation worse. He was wrong to say what he did, he could have handled the situation much better. It is human to have a bad day every once in a while and lash out at the people we love. However when that lashing out becomes cronic, not an isolated slip up every once in a while; it is there that it crosses the line into verbal abuse.
My children suffered non stop verbal abuse, my ex never treated the kids bad, his second wife did, 24/7.
It's a difficult position to be in; having a child reporting back to you things that happened while on a visit, it doesn't matter if your a mom or a dad, as parents we never want to hear stuff like that. My advice is to leave your ex alone about it. Also be VERY careful how you talk about stuff that your S7 tells you. NEVER bad mouth your ex, no matter what, and temper your reactions with a relaxed and even tone to your son. You can only control what comes out of your own mouth, remember that, as simple a statment like that seems...ppl forget to all the time and in doing so you will only ADD to what your S has to deal with. Just hug him and say "I'm sorry" and sugest he cuddle with you and do an activity to help him forget.
Hopefully this is just a stage in your seperation/divorce that too shall pass...
M2G
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nolonger
enthusiast
Reged: 09/15/08
Posts: 305
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No wonder our society's children are having drug/alcohol/sex addictions...nobody holds anyone else to a higher standard of righteousness as evidence by 50 "reads" and 1 post saying to sit back and let it all happen.
"great" advice...NOT.
Meanwhile, my kids and I enjoyed one of the most peaceful, serene visits together enjoying playful family time at home during horrible end of summer weather.
All I can do is show them "my" standard of life and hopefully they'll enjoy what "should" be versus what "can" be if they let go of their own standards.
What a sick pitiful world in which we live. NO child should EVER have to hear that from a parent. NOT a single child should have society accept it, either.
We should all strive for better.
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Mom2Girls
addict
Reged: 06/14/05
Posts: 461
Loc: RI
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Nolonger...
Sorry to have waisted my time responding, sometimes though the right thing to do is not what we want to hear. Your talking to someone who has spent years (8) dealing with having had my own children subjected to not just verbal abuse. I want to wish you luck though, no matter how you decide to handle it, would have been nice to disagree without being nasty...PS I have sole legal custody with a restraining order perminently in place against the step parent who abused my kids...great advice? WALK THE HIGH ROAD...
M2G
:/
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nolonger
enthusiast
Reged: 09/15/08
Posts: 305
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M2G, I took my frustration out on you, sorry. I know the "right" thing to do is just what you said and just what I'm doing but the part that you took personally and maybe you should or shouldn't have, I don't know, is that the reason ppl like us have to sit back and leave the abusers alone is because the rest of society just wants to wash their hands of this treatment as it's "not their problem" and it's "not that bad". Truth is, the fall out for these kids IS drugs and promiscuity, and that, my friends IS society's problem in the end.
There's got to be a better way, legally. Spiritually, I do take the high road, and let me tell you, my faith is challenged every single time I have to bite my tongue and rehearse Jesus' words and try to live like He did. I feel sickened that this man has the ability to challenge me to NOT take the high road as I contemplate ways to STOP the abuse in a human way as the law won't/can't help me but in the end, I just remind myself that when all is said and done, God has my back (and my kids' back) and when we're all dead, my kids and I will be reunited in heaven WITHOUT their father who, I believe, will suffer greatly in Hell.
That's what gets me through the hardest of days.
Sorry to lash out at you, but I don't think I was all that harsh. Sometimes, the truth hurts when it's not what YOU want to hear.
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finz
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/17/08
Posts: 6453
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You were harsh.....most likely because forum members did not respond to your post so YOU did not hear what YOU wanted to hear.
You said, "No wonder our society's children are having drug/alcohol/sex addictions...nobody holds anyone else to a higher standard of righteousness as evidence by 50 "reads" and 1 post saying to sit back and let it all happen." That was blaming those of us who did not respond to your initial rantings for all d/a/s addictions. In your last post you narrow it down to just the kids who have experienced abuse (and in the case of your kids, that would be verbal abuse) who will have problems with drugs and promiscuity, but you still blame society for it.
Perhaps, instead of involking God to curse society for not doing enough, you could put the blame where it belongs.....on your abuser ex AND your poor choice for picking him to sire your kids. Think about what you could do to try to rectify this situation.
If you are going to be snippy to those who respond to you, as you were even in your 'apology' post, don't be surprised when people are reluctant to get involved with your issues. You haven't taken the high road here.
I wasn't sure how to respond to the original post here. I was a little thrown that a 7 yo knew what a shart was to repeat the word and that an adult would use the word. Obviously, talking to your son about polite conversation is needed. He needs to know that it is not okay for any adult to be speaking to a child in that manner. The problem is, if you want ex's language to change, you need to communicate with him about the inappropriateness of his words. It would also be an opportunity to get the ex's side of the story. As Mom (above) pointed out, sometimes kids will embellish to play one parent against the other. Either way, solutions seem to be dependent on getting the whole story and talking to the ex about it.
I understand that there are issues of verbal abuse towards you with your ex. I think the importance of discussing concerns about his language in front of the kids trumps your worries about increasing communication with him. I thought that you would not be open to hearing that based on your comments, "We are basically only using text and email. Me, to communicate about the kids. He to further abuse me while he communicates about the kids." Someone on here used to have the signature, "You have to love your kids more than you hate your ex." I think that applies here.
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nolonger
enthusiast
Reged: 09/15/08
Posts: 305
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Finz, you continue to place your unwanted opinions where I have personally and publicly expressed that they are unwelcome. For this, I think it's excusable that I respond to you this way:
You seem a bit psycho to me. It seems no wonder to me that you find yourself in a divorce forum years after your divorce when you seem (I don't know for certain because I ignore everything you write unless you write to me)to no longer have personal issues to work out such as I do with regards to my divorce. GET OVER YOURSELF. You have NO idea what the surrounding circumstances are and as usual, you are way off the mark (sounds like you have a lot in common with my ex).
I will leave it at that instead of tit-for-tat with you. Please refrain from responding to me again. Let the people on this forum who are directly involved speak for themselves. No one appointed you to be cyber ass.
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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If you read past the first couple of lines, you might have seen some wisdom in steps you could take. But you're going into attack mode now and slinging mud. You'll end up receiving no advice from anyone if you start down that path.
--------------------
Char Fox
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nolonger
enthusiast
Reged: 09/15/08
Posts: 305
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AH, I don't know if you are aware of my brief past on here with Finz. She's as bad as the other trolls on here, IMO. As far as the advice I was seeking, the responses I did get are so obvious and I admit I was offended that the responders didn't already think I thought of that and I am seeking advice more on the legal side of things.
For instance, during a series of e-mails, my ex mentioned he was upset that our kids have two parents who despise each other. My response to him was that if I were treated with common decency and could trust that when we tried to speak rationally to one another I would not be verbally attacked by him, we/the kids/everyone would be better off. His response? "Did your dad sexually abuse you because you're one sick chick!" So here it was we were trying to discuss an issue and there was absolutely nothing achieved.
Another example: I had 2 of the 4 kids on his day on a special outing. They asked to stay with me longer. Ex screamed to me on the phone, with the 2 children in his car,"Just because you couldn't find anyone to f*** this weekend doesn't mean I have to give you the kids!"
The two above exchanges happened Sunday and Thursday of last week. There has been no communication by me since but 11 texts from him in between.
So talking rationally with him does not exist.
I also take offense that it was suggested I parent better. If I wasn't at my wit's end trying to figure out how to parent better beyond "outside the box", I wouldn't desperately be here.
All it seems I get here, though, is "in the box" thinking to which I am frustrated by because that's how society is and why our laws don't protect against verbal abuse on ly physical abuse.
And, for the record, my children (ages 12,11,9,7) do NOT use drugs and are NOT sexually active. I am trying to preventative parent, not reactive parent.
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finz
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/17/08
Posts: 6453
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As I explained in my last post, I initially did not respond to your original post. I knew that you would not look kindly on my response as it would not have been what you wanted to hear.
I did respond when you called out the entire forum (and society as a whole) for the problems that you are having with your ex.
All that we have seen as a forum from you is whining about your ex. I am not defending him. He sounds like a creep. None of us can change that for you.
You have been told repeatedly (and not just by me) that you need to find a way to communicate and compromise with him.
If you believe that the best response that you could make to his comment about wanting better parental communication for the sake of the kids was,"My response to him was that if I were treated with common decency and could trust that when we tried to speak rationally to one another I would not be verbally attacked by him, we/the kids/everyone would be better off" then you are delusional.
With this long history of 'his' verbal abuse, you would think you would have learned to stop antagonizing the situation. You brag about how much you know about abuse and how much you have read on the subject, but you have shown no signs of learning how to let go of the past and try to find a different way of handing things.
NO ONE here cares how often he texts you. If you could stop whining about that and focus on what you can change, because you can't change him, then your posts wouldn't be challenged for their stupidity.
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