NHMomandSM
journeyman
Reged: 06/06/09
Posts: 89
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My stepdaughter's mom has enlisted. She is leaving in September for basic training and says she will be gone for 5 months without contact. After that she will be based somewhere at least 8-10 hrs away (she wants visits for vacations once she is based somewhere). My stepdaughter is only 6 and at this point goes to her mom's every weekend, during the summer it will be every other week.
Mom has not said anything to the child about it yet. I know it is far away (from a 6 yr old point of view) but we want her to be prepared. She only sees her mom on Fridays right now (since mom works 13 hr shifts on Sat and Sun) but in a couple weeks, she will start seeing her for a full week at a time, every other week for 2 months. Then all of the sudden her mom will be gone, and she will only see her half-sister once in a while (they live 1.5 hrs away, we will get together with the other dad, but we can't do it every week).
Does anyone have any suggestions on when to tell her(we are waiting to let mom tell her at this point)? And how to tell her? And then how to help her understand when she can't even call her mom? I am so beside myself that her mom can even do this to her, but to each his own I guess.
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7136
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I think that someone should ask mom when and how she's going to tell your SD so that she can have the support she needs to understand her mom's absence. Hopefully the people in her life will help her to see that what her mom is doing is a brave thing (especially in these times) and that her mom, while she won't be right there for her will be doing something to help protect the freedom of people all over the world. Maybe instead of wondering how she could do this TO her child it's time to be thankful that people from all walks of life do this for all of us and our children.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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NHMomandSM
journeyman
Reged: 06/06/09
Posts: 89
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Quote:
I think that someone should ask mom when and how she's going to tell your SD so that she can have the support she needs to understand her mom's absence. Hopefully the people in her life will help her to see that what her mom is doing is a brave thing (especially in these times) and that her mom, while she won't be right there for her will be doing something to help protect the freedom of people all over the world. Maybe instead of wondering how she could do this TO her child it's time to be thankful that people from all walks of life do this for all of us and our children.
Becoming a cook in the army is not brave. She will not be fighting for our country, chances are she will never leave the country. She is leaving her 6 yr old and her 2 yr old to chase after a guy that is joining with her.
I will never say this to the child, this is just my chance to vent for a second. We will encourage that her mom is doing what she thinks is best, and that no matter what her mom loves her and will still see her when she can.
I have plenty of family members fighting for our country in the army and the navy, I respect all of them and am very grateful for all of our troops service to our country. I don't want to give the wrong impression. It is just a sore spot with me that a mother that fought so hard for the past 5 yrs to try to keep this child away from her dad (without any good reason) is now giving up and running away IMO. I know the army is not easy, but IMO it is the easy way out for this specific person.
I just cannot understand, as a mother, how one can leave their children-especially without any plan in effect. At this point, it could be well over a year before she sees her daughter again, because she has yet to give dad a parenting plan outlining what she wants for visitation, and she plans on this going to court. Where we live, it takes a minimum of 3 months to get a court date, at which point she will be gone to basic training, so it will continue to be postponed until she can be here to attend a hearing, which could be a year or more. To me, what she is doing is irresponsible and immature. She claims to 'hate' me and not want me around her child, but I will be the only mom to this kid when she feels like her mom left her. I just cannot fathom the idea of it. I could never leave my son, or my stepdaughter, to follow some guy and do something like joining the army. It is just crazy from my mommy point of view. I really hope I am not offending anyone, it is hard to phrase it in typing, it is just how I feel about this one person enlisting, everyone has their reasons, and she really feels like this is right for her, but she has never once said anything about this being best for her daughter, only how it is what she WANTS to do. That is wrong to me.
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7136
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WEll maybe it is the only way she can see to better her life so that she CAN be a better mother down the road.
I can't imagine leaving my children either, but I don't think that anyone should judge anothers reasoning. As for her hating you, I doubt that's true. It's more likely that she's jealous and scared and immature. Hate is a pretty strong emotion to have for someone and it's usually more about the person that feels it than the one it's supposedly directed towards.
Again, I hope that your SD will have people who will explain the situation in a way that makes her proud of her mom rather than feeling abandoned. It's not about your feelings, your husbands feelings or even BM's feelings. It's about a 6 year old girl who should have a positive view of her mom (I'm not talking sainthood or anything) When she grows up if her mom is the selfish person you say then your SD will figure it out all on her own, and she will look up to her father and SM even more for never having pointed that out to her.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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NHMomandSM
journeyman
Reged: 06/06/09
Posts: 89
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Quote:
WEll maybe it is the only way she can see to better her life so that she CAN be a better mother down the road.
I can't imagine leaving my children either, but I don't think that anyone should judge anothers reasoning. As for her hating you, I doubt that's true. It's more likely that she's jealous and scared and immature. Hate is a pretty strong emotion to have for someone and it's usually more about the person that feels it than the one it's supposedly directed towards.
Again, I hope that your SD will have people who will explain the situation in a way that makes her proud of her mom rather than feeling abandoned. It's not about your feelings, your husbands feelings or even BM's feelings. It's about a 6 year old girl who should have a positive view of her mom (I'm not talking sainthood or anything) When she grows up if her mom is the selfish person you say then your SD will figure it out all on her own, and she will look up to her father and SM even more for never having pointed that out to her.
I completely agree with what you are saying. I don't understand moms reasons, and maybe I shouldn't question them, what makes me question them is the fact that she is basically leaving her daughter with a new mom while she pursues what she feels she wants to do. During the one conversation she has with dad about this, she did not mention the child at all except to point out that he has to give her visitation because it's her kid. Which he obviously would not deny visitation, but he is concerned about if it is best for his 6 yr old to be flying alone and only seeing her mom 4 times a yr.
We will tell SD why her mom has left, and that she is in the military, and she knows that it is important to be in the military and we will never put down her mom or make her feel that her mom abandoned her. We don't want her to feel that way, because that is just bad for her. I do think as she gets older, she will figure out on her own how her mother is and she will be able to form her own opinions of her. And I look forward to that day. Until then, I will love her as my own and make sure she is very well cared for while with us. I will look out for her best interests along with dad, and we will encourage a relationship with mom and hopefully raise a well rounded young lady!
Thank you for your advice, I think dad will ask mom when and how she plans on telling her. I think it may be helpful for the three of us to do it together, for SD to know that daddy and I will be there for her and we will help her call and write to mom, etc. I am sure it will work out, it is just stressful and I don't understand it.
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Really_Tired
recently joined
Reged: 07/29/09
Posts: 22
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"says she will be gone for 5 months without contact." This I don't understand. I enlisted in 2000 and still had phone communications at least once a week. Things have gotten remarkably smoother for enlistees since then. Even here in Iraq I still contact home once a day. It's not always convenient, but that isn't an issue. If it means walking a mile through the sandy air to wait in line at a morale call center; then you walk and wait in line. Children need contact from their parents.
"I will never say this to the child, this is just my chance to vent for a second. We will encourage that her mom is doing what she thinks is best, and that no matter what her mom loves her and will still see her when she can."
I feel exactly in tune with you. My wife is giving me custody when we divorce and heading back to her native country. A negative word of my son's mother will ever be spoken, though I wonder how she could walk out on her own son. In the end, it just comes down to loving a child enough to brace them for the hardest times.
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christine1
addict
Reged: 04/21/08
Posts: 439
Loc: Ma
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A negative word of my son's mother will ever be spoken, though I wonder how she could walk out on her own son. In the end, it just comes down to loving a child enough to brace them for the hardest times.
I couldn't agree more! I will never understand how people can just walk away from the children they bring into the world............It is there responsibility to care for them, be there for them, etc. Some people are just to selfish to think of anyone but themselves.
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cyber_green1
journeyman
Reged: 06/07/09
Posts: 83
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come on she is a hero and her mother. she must be trying to make the best choice. hopefully you have to have some faith, and dont act like joining the military even as a cook or some other job is an indignity in country or out. come on let the little girl have a hero, her mom who went to the military to give her little girl a better life with possiblities and hope. she can still talk to her on the phone, if oboma is president then anything is possible. i hope you dont make it sounds like her mom is never going to see or talk to her little girl again. I think its just rude that you dont know what to tell her. grow up and be a man and a father to the girl.
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just sorta rambling, dont take my word for it I'm mostly wrong.
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BeachBabeRN
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 01/16/06
Posts: 3032
Loc: VA for 21 years, NC forever!
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Uh, so she's going to be a cook in the Army. You THINK she will never leave the country. What, the troops in Iraq and Afghanistan gave up EATING? Or are they calling out for pizza?
Someone has to feed them, that's as honorable a job as any.
I do understand your concern about the children and perhaps her motives for joining aren't very honorable, given that she's chasing after some guy. She'll find out very quickly that they may not be STATIONED together, something she may not have considered. The Army, or any other armed service, doesn't CARE if they're stationed together, they're not MARRIED.
However, while she is IN the service, her children will receive free health care. Anyone considered that? If she has to pay child support, then it will be taken out of her pay, which is going to continue for at least four years.
I don't know about any other service's basic training, other than the Marine Corps. They are NOT allowed to call home during boot camp except at the discretion of the SDI. Those calls are like gold to the recruits and they don't get them often, not even when they're in boot camp for a major holiday like Christmas or Thanksgiving.
Maybe the Army permits calls, I don't know.
Although you disagree with the mom's reasoning, it is your obligation to paint the best picture of it -- and encourage a relationship with her mother. Hammer out a visitation schedule with her that you both can live with that doesn't involve a long expensive court battle. If you both AGREE on it, it will be rubber stamped through the court anyway.
Work WITH her and try not to judge. I live every day with the fear that at some point in time, my son, my first born will come home in a BOX. But the Corps is what he wanted and that's what he's doing.
While her mom is in boot camp, write to her. Send cards and drawings and whatever else will foster their relationship.
As far as telling the child that her mom is enlisting? I disagree that it should be the THREE of you, this is something that the three of THEM need to deal with. You're a stepmother. I know that you love this child, it shows. Perhaps the child will need someone OTHER than her natural parents to talk to -- encourage her to speak with you if she needs to or wants to and continue to be impartial and supportive of her mother.
Many people enlist for their own reasons. Regardless of what they are, they belong to the United States government for the terms of thier enlistment. They either play by the rules or they don't and they're dealt with.
Bring up the mother coming to see the child also -- the child doesn't always have to go where mom is, mom can come home and see her children also. You may not get a lot of notice but being flexible is in your best interest.
Take the child to her mom's boot camp graduation if there is one -- and there usually is. What a memory for that child to have!
Be generous, there's some rough road ahead.
BTW? To the individual that does his best while in Iraq to call his child once per day and states he will wind up with that child due to the mother returning to her own country?
Thank you for your service and your sacrifice. As the mom of a Marine, I know what your family's sacrifice is also and value that just as much. Thank you.
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