lostconfused72
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Reged: 09/22/09
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I am not sure what I am suppose to do anymore. I realize this is a divorce forum so I hope it's ok that I am trying to figure out if that's what I want to be doing. I am hoping to get perspectives from those that have gone through it, are going through it, or are thinking about it.
I have been married for 11 years and I don't think I love my husband anymore. The problem is we hae 4 kids and I stay home with them. I am worried about how it will impact them. I am also terrified that I will regret ending my marriage. I feel like my husband could care less about me. We hardly spend any time together, haven't had sex in about 6 months, and honestly the idea just turns my stomach. I am not attracted to him anymore. He really is a good guy, it's not that he treats me badly, or had been unfaithful. He just really doesn't treat me at all. He doesn't hug me or kiss me and never holds my hand. The only time he is ever affectionate is when he is trying to "get lucky". I don't even consider him my friend because I don't really confide in him about anything that's going on with me.
I think if I didn't have my kids to worry about I would have already left. We have been dealing with these problems for years. We talk about it, things get better for a few weeks, then it goes right back to the same old thing. I just think there has to be more to life than this.
At what point is it completely over? I just want to be happy. I don't want to regret leaving, but I also don't want to regret staying down the road.
Any advice, experiences, or help you can provide is greatly appreciated!
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losingfaith
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Reged: 01/26/09
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Sorry to here about your dilemma and yes; that's a hard place to be.
First I want to say that it is normal in situations like this to contemplate a divorce. We all need to feel like we are in our relationships not just apart of it and even sometimes like an outsider.
You kids will be affected by this but most do well as long as both parents can spend time as the parents, but sadly many don’t seam to understand that. Case in point if the child is going to the park for a field trip and the parents are invited its ok for both to attend and act civil towards one another; but in the vast majority of situations it’s one or the other because they can’t get along for even there children’s sakes.
Some kids will have a bit of resentment towards the situation that is more often then not stemming from separation anxiety and when that is observed I personally feel that the parents should really start to communicate and see if even for a time they can get along and remain doing thing together (ie. setting aside extra time) with that specific child until the transitional point is over come.
I can’t give you a woman’s perspective on this but I can offer some advice.
As far as the lack of attention aspect it happens to many men. I don't think it's intentional we just get comfortable or caught up in the day to day life; and then for some of us it is just pure selfishness. Ultimately we loose sight of what is important to keep our spouses happy and wanting to be in the marriage (ie romance, adventure, relational intimacy, ect, ect…).
As far as the sex thing, again most men believe it should be just given. Not that it is done to be rude but the thing to keep in mind here is that it’s a primal urge. While it ban be controlled it ultimately is what it is. I’m not getting on a religious tangent here but even the bible says that a wise woman will not refuse her husband; but men also need to realize that a women needs to feel comfortable enough to let that guard down so they will be venerable enough to want to have sex. The sad part about this is that even knowing this we still slip up from time to time.
It sounds to me like the flame has gone out but that’s not to say that it can be rekindled. I believe with some hard work from both of you this could be repaired, but the question at this point is how do the two of you feel about this.
Have you discussed the possibility of divorce with your husband?
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Standing above the crowd he had a voice that was strong and loud
Edited by losingfaith (09/23/09 11:43 AM)
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lostconfused72
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Thank you so much for your reply!! I have discussed everything with my husband. We have had ongoing problems for years. Same problems, efforts are made, things are better for a few weeks, then it goes back to the same thing. He knows we are on a lost shot effort here. I don't want to wake up in 10 years and wish I had gotten out so I could be happy. But I also don't want to wake up in 10 years and regret leaving. At this point I am staying just for the kids sake, which I don't think is necessarily the right answer, especially given he travels all week and is only home on the weekends. I am trying to explore all my options before I make such a huge decision. If it was just me I would have already left but I have my 4 kids to think about. My husband did tell me when we discussed this that he doesn't want to loose me and he's willing to make some changes (which I've heard before) but I am not sure I want to fight anymore. I have tried and tried and tried and held on to any crumb I could get, I just can't decide how much effort I want to put into it again. I'm not mad at him, I think we could be very agreeable towards each other if we do split, but I just am not sure at this moment what it is I want to do. I just want to be happy. To me, it would be easier to make that decision if there was a clear cut reason (infidelity, abuse) but there's just indifference.
I wish I had a crystal ball or a do over button so if I live to regret leaving or staying I could do things differently.
Thank you!!!!!!!
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losingfaith
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lol well a do over button would be a grate thing to have because then you really would have no regrets. Well none that you would have to live with anyway but that’s another story in it’s self.
Being able to see the future would be even better right?
The truth is it wouldn't
lol
Confused yet?
Well let me explain.
See most would think it would be but the thing about the future is that it is unset and can go in any number of directions so just because you could see it doesn't mean it would happen the way you saw it; simply because you would only be seeing only one possible outcome.
Again I’m not getting on a side track here but I would like you to do me a favor if you will.
Keep this in the back of your mind while you read this…
Just because it look like there are only two sides to the coin (the coin = your choices) imagine if you will that you flip that coin enough times and rather then falling on one side or the other...
on this day it lands on it’s edge.
Ok so getting back to the subject at hand.
I have friends that have been divorced and I myself have been in that spot and ultimately I have come to the conclusion that you will have regrets no matter what.
Honestly when it comes to divorce; it seams to be inevitable on all sides.
Let’s talk a little bit about the regrets I mentioned…
Some will say “I regret every moment of it and if I could do it over I would have never gotten involved in the first place”
Some will say “I have regrets because I could have done this or that differently”
Some will say “I didn’t realize I would regret it at that time but I do now”
Like I said, unfortunately regret is a part of it. Keep in mind you don’t have to dwell of regret but we can get to that later.
I’m sure you will have people that will line up around the corner that will tell you “I have never regretted anything I have done in life and would not chance a thing” lol they are in denial. We all have regrets because a mistake in it self is a regret. It is ultimately those mistakes/regrets that make us grow as people, and without them we will never understand what our limits are. Sometimes making a mistake = us finding out something new about our selves so that the next time we find ourselves in that situation we discover we can go even further then we were able to go in the first place.
The first thing I want to point out is that simply by recognizing that you could have regrets no matter what direction you go in, says a lot. It shows that you are wise enough to see that regardless of the decision made something will change in the end based on that decision.
I have to stop here for now. I really want to discuss this further and I promises I will get back to you. I'm just really busy today and as soon as I get home I will finish what I have started...
To be continued 
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Standing above the crowd he had a voice that was strong and loud
Edited by losingfaith (09/24/09 03:44 PM)
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lostconfused72
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I look forward to your continued story. I have a very easy life. I want for nothing financially. I get to stay at home with my kids. My husband isn't aweful to me, but I just think there has to be more happiness out there. I feel so completely disconnected to him. I have landed on the side of that coin and think, "hey I don't have it so bad, it could be worse". My easy life will come to a screeching halt, I will have to go back to work, and my kids will have a complete change of lifestyle, not just the obvious parents not together. How do I hold to when I feel like I am settling? I totally get your chaos theory. I have never in my life felt like anything is harder than decisions I am trying to make right now. There's good and bad to both sides I guess, I just don't want to choose the wrong side. It isn't just my life it's effects, I have my 4 kids, and even my husband that I am thinking about. I just want more out of life.
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losingfaith
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Posts: 630
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sorry I'll have to finish this later
had an emergency come up and I'm going to a clients office today for a meeting
I truly apologize
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Standing above the crowd he had a voice that was strong and loud
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losingfaith
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Reged: 01/26/09
Posts: 630
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ok so I was talking about regrets
the point that I was getting at is regrets happen
it's an unfortunate side affect of life
I personally feel that the worst of them comes form the times that we look back and wish we hadn’t made the choice that we did only to find out that it's too late to fix things or that the other person is not willing to try.
I'm regrettably in that spot now 
My wife walked out on me because I could not show trust.
Some husband I am right? I can see my mistakes and want to fix them but she will not give me a chance to address them.
But that isn’t to say that she is without fault because on her side she can not forgive, so in that right we are both equally guilty.
There is a bit more to it then just that but this is what is at the heart of it and that lead to arguments (many of them).
But the key here is the fact that even in spite of this, I still love her deeply. you see I have made a choice to love her regardless of my fears or the fact that she can't show forgiveness. I learned this from a book I read. It was recommended to me by the councilor we were seeing. It was called “The Love Dare”. It’s a good book. I have recommended it to many people and honestly if you are open to the experience I personally think it may just help rekindle that flame that has been lost. I'm not saying it's a guaranteed way to fix all of this but it's a start and a start is always worth a try.
Remember their is nothing that is ever lost that ultimately can't be re-found!
Rolling back the clock a bit to one of my former statements...
The reason I mad reference to the 3 sides to every coin is that while it may only look like you have two choices here you really have more then that and I would advice you to truly consider them before giving up. There are ways to address things like this.
A few questions…
Also do the two of you get out ever?
Watch movies, have a romantic dinner, go dancing, shoot pool, or spend any quality time to gather?
Have the two of you tried counseling?
Is he willing to go and address the issues?
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Standing above the crowd he had a voice that was strong and loud
Edited by losingfaith (09/25/09 07:38 PM)
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losingfaith
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Well first of all I don’t think a say at home mom has it easy regardless of the number of kids. Being with your kids can be a fantastic reward but can also drive someone nuts with out someone around to have an adult conversation with.
I saw first hand how hard it was for my wife especially with out a car. I don’t know about your situation but knew how each of our jobs were hard but ultimately I think that this was more then she could bare and in the end she decided to divorce me anyway even despite the fact that I had almost saved enough to get her that car. Unfortunately she will never know this now because she has left and isn't even seeking to me.
Another thing that was hard on her was the fact that we are both originally form Louisiana but live in Texas and have very few people to hang out with here. Needless to say this made her unhappy and her unhappiness was made even worse because the last couple we did make friends with, ended badly. He (the husband of the other couple) came on to my wife. The sad part is I kind of had a feeling about him from the start but didn’t want to say anything because we were all friends. Needless to say It was a rude awakening for me.
That disconnection you feel will come and go through all relationships especially if the romance and intimacy had faded, but it can be found again if you really want to. You just have to make that choice to do so. Remember some of us will fall in and out of the emotional side of love with our spouses over and over throughout a long term relationship but true love is not an emotion, it is a choice!!
One of the things I dislike about our society is that marriage is intended to be a life long commitment and takes work!! It doesn’t just happen for the vast majority of us, but because everyone just expects it to happen with out an effort; this ultimately leaves many with a feeling of unwillingness to even try…
The divorce rate has spieled out of control.
You asked “How do I hold on when I feel like I am settling?”
Get your husband on board and take control of it. Steer it in a different direction. The house doesn’t get clean by its self, does it?
Your kids don’t just behave, do they?
The answer is no we have to put forth the efforts to make things like that happen.
My question is...
if you have made a choice to put forth the effort to do theses things then why is it so hard to do the same for your marriage?
You said “I just want more out of life.”
So get more!! You mentioned that if this came to an end you would have to go back to work. Why not start there? If the hours will interrupt being home for your kids take a part time job or look into working from home.
If that doesn’t sound like something you would like to do take some dance lessons or something along that line.
I have been depressed the last few weeks after she left and I’m going to give you the same advice a friend gave me a week ago…
There is a whole world outside that door and it’s screaming for your attention!!
Maybe it's time to answer the door!
I truly hope you don't give up on him as my wife has done to me.
Take the dare…
It could change the outcome of everything
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Standing above the crowd he had a voice that was strong and loud
Edited by losingfaith (09/25/09 08:03 PM)
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lostconfused72
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Reged: 09/22/09
Posts: 8
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Thank you so much for giving me both of your perspectives. Especially from a male point of view. I have been fighting and screaming for attention for years. My husband travels 5 days a week, I handle the house, bills, kids, school stuff, I volunteer at lot and I am in the process of starting my master's degree. I have some great friends I get to see (though maybe not often enough), but he walks in the door, barely says hello and heads for the basement to watch tv, work, and play computer games. No projects ever get done around the house and he's emotionally void. He told me he loves me and doesn't want to lose me, but he also doesn't want to make any serious changes to make things work. He tells me "this is who you married". I have been fighting by myself for so long I'm just tired of fighting. I find myself daydreaming about moving, setting up a house for myself and my kids, and enjoying life.. going out with friends, seeing my parents more, the kids having friends around, dinners, dates, finding someone to do the everyday mundane things in life with, like raking leaves in the yard. My husband makes minimal effort to try to work things out. He did actually hug me a couple of times just because without trying to just have sex. I just feel weighed down in this life. I want to smile and I want someone to hold my hand. I want a partner and lover. I want a best friend. I know that most times in life love can be rekindled, but sometimes I think so much damage has been done that it's hard to feel love like that anymore. At what point is it over and you just need to move on? I'm by NO means saying I'm without fault. But my heart just isn't with him anymore. I want this gray fog that surrounds me to lift so I can try to be happy. Right now I truly am staying because of my kids and the financial security, but that's becoming a tiresome weight in itself. I am going to try to find a therapist, if nothing else for myself, and also get The Dare book to see if it changes anything. I'm going into it half-hearted, but I guess that's better than not trying at all....
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lostconfused72
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Reged: 09/22/09
Posts: 8
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I think I have finally figured out what the whole of the problem is. I'm am so unbelievably lonely. I am home alone with my kids all week, then I am home alone with someone else in the house on the weekends. I just don't exist. I'm a piece of furniture that gets passed by. He will never understand. Who's to say I will be noticed anymore if I divorce him. I never understood people who cheat. I always thought you should get out before you hurt someone, but I'm starting to understand. I just want to be loved and touched and noticed. And yes I have told him that. All I get is, "you know I'm not that type of person, this is who you married". I don't think it will ever get better. I love being a mom, but sometimes it would be nice to JUST be a wife, a woman. I can't even convey the depths of isolation I feel. I think it's lonelier to be in a house full of people who don't even notice you than to be in an empty house. Will the hurting ever stop???
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