Ditto
newbie
Reged: 04/11/06
Posts: 46
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I need some of your thoughts and advice please.
The situation is that I was happily married for 18 years to my first husband. He died. Five years later I married my second husband. I had no idea he was an a. I figured it out in the 3rd month of our marriage. By the 6th month of our marriage the verbal and physical abuses began. It took a year for the divorce to be finalized. In total we were married for 1-1/2 years. I swore that I wouldn't get married again. But I met my third husband and he is very religious and insisted that we had to be married. So, we got married. He was widowed less than a year when we first met and still grieving very heavily. As a side note, although he is not a, his dad, and sisters are.
His whole family was still trying to come to terms with the death of his wife. And, as is normal, they weren't really prepared to have him in a new relationship. What is also very normal is that men will tend to remarry very quickly after becoming widowed. It is their way of "fixing" the situation, while women will take longer to work through their emotions. I tried being patient... which is not one of my long suits, with everyone's concerns. I put up with rude comments from his late wife's family. They are slowly coming to terms with my existence.
One day, after we were engaged we told his sister. His sister professed delight. She, her husband, and her daughter came to my house for a BBQ over the summer. Her entire family was rude and obnoxious to me. His sister went home and wrote a 12 page poisonous letter telling her brother (my fiancee and now 3rd husband) that he didn't love his late wife if he could love me, that she didn't approve of me, that she didn't like me, and was basically very scathing of me, my religion, our relationship, and of the way he was grieving the loss of his wife. At the BBQ her adult daughter pulled a stunt, which is really too long to explain, but that upset us too.
We haven't spoken to his sister or her family in about a year. Suddenly, my husband claims that the niece who pulled the stunt sent him an IM telling him she loved him. He claims that he didn't respond.
Tonight he drank a bottle of wine by himself. When I asked him why, he told me because he wanted to. He knows I am very cautious about drunkeness as a result of the abuse I suffered from my second husband. When I told him that it bothered me and concerned me he told me he didn't care. He told me that if his drinking bothered me that much he would simply start hiding it from me.
When I told him I was concerned about having to deal with his niece and sister again, that I am feeling insecure because I didn't appreciate their treatment of me. He told me I need to see a therapist.
I'll tell you the truth. I want a husband who involves me in his life, who is concerned about my feelings, who respects me, and who does not pull this stupid silent treatment. I don't like feeling that my husband is sneaky. I certainly don't need another a in my life.
Does it sound like I am being unreasonable?
I am seriously debating the merits of marital counseling. I don't have much faith in it though since I have a husband who states he doesn't care about my concerns.
I also have been to al-anon and know all about detachment. I frankly don't want a relationship I have to detach from.
I am weighing my thoughts on divorce. Being single wasn't a great life either.
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javajunkiee
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/01/08
Posts: 1967
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Yes. Its you. Try looking at this from outside yourself - look at it from his pov.
I'm not trying to be mean, but really, you're willing to consider divorcing the man?
- Over a single bottle of wine?
- Over his defensive response to your questioning that single episode of drinking AND your drawing comparisons between him and an abusive ex-husband? You didn't have to verbalize you were doing that; he already knew it.
- Over what you consider to be his apparent lack of concern for your hurt feelings over his family's treatment of you?
Do you not recognize that he has cut off the family that, from your description, was a very close and integral part of his life because of you? They took issue with you and he CHOSE you.
I'm not saying that their reaction to a woman they just met was acceptable.
The bottomline however is that whether the reason was their intense dislike of you, or something incredibly trivial, the man put himself squarely in your corner. He made a painful choice to walkaway from his family. He's clearly hurting over that decision.
From his pov your reaction to that is it isn't enough? He has to prove he's not a drunk, not an abuser and that he takes your concerns and feelings to heart. He's been doing that, and the point where you cornered him on it (and don't kid yourself - he FELT cornered) he was probably burned out over the whole situation. When a person has reached the breaking point over something that they they care very deeply about, and that they figure they can't win for losing on, they'll react callously. They're going to "lose" anyways, so if they give up on it before they lose it, it hurts less.
You acknowledge that you feel insecure about his sister and niece, and when he responds with a rational solution, 'see a therapist' you take exception to that? Not the response you were looking for, right? You wanted to hear something that basically said he still chose you over them and would defend you to his family. He's BEEN DOING THAT. Every DAY that has gone by that he's cut those people off it screams to them that he's on your side. Now, maybe, just maybe, they've retracted their claws enough to reach out to him, and he feels disloyal to his wife by even saying "I love you" back to his niece. He's between a rock and a hard place and doesn't want you to beat him over the head with the rock.
Ditto, look, I know what I've said seems harsh and probably has you shaking your head and saying "but you don't KNOW...". You're right, I don't know everything about their treatment of you and your husbands relationship with you. I do think I have an understanding of your pov though. You've had two bad marriages, and you went into this marriage because you wanted to have one that worked. You're also very protective of yourself, and have a clear understanding of what you *won't* put up with in this marriage. You probably feel like you've wasted enough time in life and you're more apt to press the eject button on this marriage than waste anymore time.
The thing is, this marriage is not all about YOU. You have your needs and boundaries and so does your husband. It seems from your post that he lost site of those boundaries for awhile, and he's now reached the point that he's finding them again. He just hasn't found the courage to face you head on and lay them out.
I think you should take a breath and realize that he's entitled to have a relationship with the sister he's known all his life, and her daughter. Their issues with you? Are none of your business. They are also entitled to their opinion about you, right or wrong, and consider that every day he's out of their lives only proves to them that they're right about you. He can set his own boundaries with them - maybe they're at the point now where they'll listen to him (hence the 'love you' from the niece).
You and your husband have some serious communication issues. Marital counseling couldn't hurt at this point. Sometimes I think people who've been through the ringer with relationships get to a point where they've learned so much about their own boundaries and needs that they become blind to anyone elses. They unintentionally communicate with a proverbial baseball bat about what they need. No, you shouldnt have to deal with his families disrespect of you in your home. Your husband though shouldn't feel he has to choose between his wife and his family. If he does feel that way, at the very least you don't want him to think its YOU making him choose.
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