RenaissanceMom
recently joined
Reged: 10/18/09
Posts: 6
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My husband & I have been together for about 11 years- married for 8 & have a 4 year old child.
We've been having significant issues for over a year. Last summer, after seeing a therapist and attending marriage classes (The Third Option), I had made up my mind to end it. We then tried one last program (Retrouvaille) and that did wonders- we were back on track for quite a while, but now we're back to who we were before going.
Both Third Option & Retrouvaille are wonderful programs, both really help you communicate, but I think with us, it's just US. I have changed considerably over these years, and he hasn't- in fact, he's regressed into the person he always wanted to be, but afraid to admit it.
Here's one of the hard parts to decide what to do- he's a good guy, neither of us has cheated on the other, we get along fine.. I love him, but I'm not in love with him.
Am I just being selfish to want to get out of this marriage?
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Redlegg
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/05/06
Posts: 26804
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I love him, but I'm not in love with him.
Time to go. That line right there says it all.
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lostconfused72
recently joined
Reged: 09/22/09
Posts: 8
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I could have almost written this, except we have 4 kids. I have been to therapy, but it hasn't helped at all. He won't make time to go. I am not in love with my husband. He's a good guy. We have a very comfortable life, we have even worked out the divorce settlement agreement, but I can't seem to make that next step to do anything. I know I'm here for my kids and comfortable lifestyle, so why can't I move forward. I'm miserable, I know I want more. He won't ever be the person I really want him to be. It's not fair to him, but I just can't seem to motivate myself for the change. I worry about how he's going to survive without me handling everything. And I especially worry about my kids. I just feel so stuck.
You can't change someone's inherent personality and really its unfair to not let them have the opportunity for true happiness. I guess I'm just scared.
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Redlegg
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/05/06
Posts: 26804
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I guess he won't motivate himself to change to be the person you want him to be. He is who he is, you are who you are.
You do not want to be married to him. You are probably having fear of the unknown. You will find your way, but as long as you are not in love with him, there is no point in being married to him.
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RenaissanceMom
recently joined
Reged: 10/18/09
Posts: 6
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We are in exactly the same life. What is the biggest part holding you back?
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learning2
recently joined
Reged: 10/24/09
Posts: 2
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Love is a choice. Choose to focus on the good in him and you will fall in love with him again. A strong, happy marriage takes work, but it's the best place in the world to focus your effort. If he's a good guy, then cherish him, just as he his. Romance is rekindled when we look for the best in each other.
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pokey
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 07/16/09
Posts: 1786
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come on, suck it up butter cup. Marraige is good and bad, rich or poor. Too many people these says try to find the easy way out, Just run away. I just don't see how people can say "I love you but I'm not in love with you". That's a load of crap. people just get board of their lifestyle.
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I have to go to work. Too many people on welfare depend on me.
Edited by pokey (11/20/09 12:21 PM)
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Atlas
journeyman
Reged: 11/03/09
Posts: 80
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"Am I just being selfish to want to get out of this marriage?"
Considering you have a 4-year old child together? Absolutely. As far as I'm concerned, once a child is involved, the bar should be set far higher in terms of breaking up a marriage -- because you wouldn't just be leaving each other, but also breaking up a family. Can kids adapt to a broken home? Sure. Are they better off living that way if there are not serious physical and emotional issues between you right now? I personally don't think so.
I know women who did choose to break up their family over this same issue and now regret it because they had no idea how difficult it would be for their children. Take some serious consideration into this before you decide. You wouldn't just be breaking up a marriage, but also killing a family.
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pokey
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 07/16/09
Posts: 1786
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My kids (including a step son) are taking it really hard since my wife left. IMO any marraige can be saved, you just have to work at it. Too many people take the easy way out because it's just not as fun as it used to be.
Everyone pays thier bills because it a commitment and they don't want to ruin THEIR credit. Well this might come as a schock, but so is marraige.
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I have to go to work. Too many people on welfare depend on me.
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yodakhat
recently joined
Reged: 12/02/09
Posts: 1
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I know exactly how you feel. I am in the same boat and don't know what to do. Lately my husband and I fight constantly over the stupidest things. We have been married for 12 years, together 15, and although I want to go to a marriage counselor, he won't go and I don't know how to get him to go! I have a comfortable life, but I can't remember the last time I was truly happy. This past spring, he had met someone. Nothing happened, and he beats himself up over how badly it hurt me and I know he is truly sorry- I think he was just very confused... but in my mind, there must have been some underlying problem in our relationship for him to even consider looking elsewhere. Now all we do is fight. He goes to the gym everyday, takes his supplements, is very short-tempered and moody. He is a correctional officer at a maximum security prison, so I'm sure that has a lot to do with it. I'm truly starting to believe the end is coming very soon for us, especially since he won't seek outside help with me. We have two awesome kids (11 and 4) and I hate to split up our family, but I don't know what else to do!
P.S. I apologize if I just jumped onto your thread, RennaisanceMom.
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