Divorce Source: Do you think he can change?

Again Losingfaith, thanks for your reply.

The project was an 800 square foot hardwood deck. He consulted me on some of the design, but otherwise he planned it himself. I did help with the 10,000lbs of concrete it took for the support pilons (I helped to mix and pour all of it), the ballusters, some of the drilling, etc. We have 2 young boys, the youngest was only 2 1/2 this summer, and is a happy wanderer. So much of my time outside needs to be devoted to keeping an eye on him, or I'll find him in the middle of the highway.

So while I helped, it wasn't as much as he wanted. Keep in mind that he expected me to come home, feed the kids, clean the kitchen, then go outside and spend the rest of my time helping him, then put the kids to bed, then go back outside again to help him. On top of that, I had no idea what I was doing, yet he would yell at me if I did something wrong.

Then he talked about putting a gazebo up on one spot of the deck. I knew this was in the plans, but we had discussed how this would be phase 2, ie to be done next summer. Instead, he went ahead and started it even though the deck itself wasn't finished. I did some of the roofing for the gazebo. When he messed up the cuts for the second roof, I was expected to help him fix it.

He started installing deck lights, but didn't finish that. He wanted to put in a sound system, went out and purchased the items, and put that up. Although the section of the wall that was destroyed to get the wires into the house remains unfixed.

He decided to run electrical outlets for some of the sound system, and ended up shorting out part of the house. We were without electricity in the downstairs bathroom for 2 weeks until he got around to fixing it.

On top of that, he took over the entire garage for tools and equipment. Which was ok in the summer, but he refused to clean the garage, leaving inches of sawdust all over the place to be tracked into the house, and tools left all over the floor. We had purchased cabinets and tool chests, which sat empty as all the tools were in piles all over the floor. Everytime I tried to clean he called me stupid, because he wasn't done with the project, so it was a waste of time. I tried putting tools away, but he would get upset because then he couldn't find them. I wasn't allowed to move his piles.

So now nothing is finished. Not the deck, not the gazebo. He did manage to melt part of the siding off the house when he set fire to a pile of scrap wood though, not considering the wind blowing the fire towards the house.

Although it's tempting to say, well, it's just one project, it's not. This is sort of a poster child for our relationship. What he wants to do, his project of the day (and this isn't his first one) takes precendence over anything I need or want to do. He himself has admitted this. What he finds to be important trumps me, and if I don't want to do what he wants I'm not helping or supporting him. I'm stupid and dumb and what ever other names he called me if I can't do what he wants the way he wants it done or if I contradict him.

Once he's done with the project of the moment, he's DONE. The aquarium that we have built into the house is leaking, but he hasn't fixed it. The waterfall he built last summer stopped working, and he expected me to find the leaks and to fix it this summer (although he was upset to see me doing that instead of the deck).

So again, do I help him with his projects? Yes, I do. Do I step into his world, yes. But honestly, would you want to spend time in a toxic environment like that?