losingfaith
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Reged: 01/26/09
Posts: 630
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Sex will only lead to more emotional attachment and confusion in your head/heart and will only end up making things harder for you in the long run especial if this is in fact what he wants.
I honestly can’t tell you what is in his head, but like I said you should prepare yourself for the worst at this point based on the things he said.
You can only take things for face values at this point.
Do you know if he has filed yet? Have you been served?
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Standing above the crowd he had a voice that was strong and loud
Edited by losingfaith (11/03/09 04:04 PM)
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myheart
member
Reged: 05/21/09
Posts: 116
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I haven't checked this post thiking I am beyound saving marriage, so why bother to check this out. It is kind sad to see it doesn't matter what culture youare from, sometimes end results are same. SO my mother in-law was a center of breaking our marriage, she didn't live 5 miles away, she lived with us.
But I think my stbx used her and mine situation to be out of marriage. He said since his mom and i have some issues, he thinks he needs ot live with her separately and we need to sell our house or if I chose to live there, then after he moves out I should be paying for the mortgage, so basically he forced me to sell the house.
Then he said, lets live seaprately and keep the relationship, like your husband is doing and lets meet on weekends.
I told me very clearly, once we move to our own path, marriage is over, you don't sell your home break the family then claim to have relatioship. You made the biggest crime first, then why expect a reward in the end, nope.
Oh it hurt me so much, he chose mommy over me, he chose to break us, but couldn't understand my situation with her.
It is sad but that is reality, we all make our choices and we all have to live that. But don't ever lower yourself for his benefit. Marriage is biggest commitment, when he is not up to it, don't become his toy in the process.
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suzie71384
recently joined
Reged: 10/20/09
Posts: 11
Loc: Encino, CA
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Losingfaith... no he hasn't file yet. Today I feel like I've gotten to the point that I'm getting a little tired of begging and pleading for/after him. Deep down I feel like he's putting on this show to see how low I can get for him. I am preparing for the worst though, emotionally I'm stable now than a few wks ago.
I just wish he wasn't distancing himself deliberatly from me. He's listening to a lot of depressing and heartbreak songs, and he keeps thinking about the few bad incidents we've been through. And yet here I've gotten over all of those and I'm wanting to move forward with him. But I know that'll never happen because his mother doesn't let anything go. She beats it to death even years after it's been over. I can imagine what he's going through under their roof right now!
Myheart, I know exactly what you mean by "it hurt me so much, he chose mommy over me, he chose to break us, but couldn't understand my situation with her." They really DON'T understand the relationship btwn the mother-in-law & daughter-in-law. And it's so much easier for them to choose their mother's. I don't know about you but I have NEVER put him in the position to choose btwn me and his family. THEY on the other hand have and he's always chosen me but in the end he couldn't take the emotional abuse they were feeding him and so to get rid of that treatment from them, he had to cut me out of his life. Makes sense right?
I'm starting to see that maybe he wasn't ready for the marriage commitment, while I was and still am.
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losingfaith
addict
Reged: 01/26/09
Posts: 630
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Ok I want you to know first of all I'm right there with you on this
my wife is doing the same thing taking advice from all the wrong people
But the one thing I'm coming to understand is that you can't push
if you do you will mor then likely push in the wrong dirrection
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Standing above the crowd he had a voice that was strong and loud
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myheart
member
Reged: 05/21/09
Posts: 116
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I didn;t make him take side or even chose between us, I didn't even ask him to send her somewhere though he has more siblings locally, who don't want her. I just wanted him to understand me and our situation. I was naive, I thought as a married couple we need to understand each other.
Anyway, I begged first, but when I saw he is not going ot change his mind, I didn't lower myself, really found a place on my own and moved out as soon as house was sold.
I asked him to see the plac,e but he refused saying he doesn't have time, you know what a cold hearted and selfish person, who made decision to break a marriage, just becuase he didn't want to work, truly, didn't even care when he is going wiht mommy and takign care of her, didn't care where is wife is going to live, sorry, I am truly glad today after many months that I didn't beg more, or promised him that i will do everything he wanted, will keep mommy happy like my own mom, that I love you, i can't throw everything out, what we have.
He was so mean said oh so you want house, I said go and burn it down, when there is no respect to a marriage, house is jsut a building, nothing more than that.
Dear it hurts, still does when I think about the things he did the way he did with such a heartless way.
But I have never ever let him know once we moved away that I missed him, I try to move on with my daily work, kids, friends etc...
You truly don't want him, if he is not committed, otherwise you will lose yourself somewhere, like I did to keep the marriage going, and you will hate yourself in the end, becuase whoever wants to leave will leave sooner or later. He will find some or other reason to do so.
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suzie71384
recently joined
Reged: 10/20/09
Posts: 11
Loc: Encino, CA
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myheart... reading your post made me feel like i wrote it myself! he is being very cold with me, telling me he doesnt care that i have a migraine & didnt answer his call, telling me he doesnt care that my car lease is ending and i have to get another car, doesn't care that i have a relative dying.
I should share with ya'll what happened tonight. I should've read your posts BEFORE I did this... He called me sounding very upset over the rent (this is the first month I'm paying alone and I gave it a little late) and he was blowing up over it! I couldn't get over how much his yelling was hurting me, I didn't do anything intentionally! Since he's more understand when we're face-to-face, I decided to drive out to this parents house!
I parked outside, called him on his cell, no answer, I lost count how many times I called, I called his moms phone, no answer. When he did finally answer, I told him I didn't mean any harm, I don't want to fight but please come outside so we can talk. He really started to get mad because I had driven out there, and the worst part was I waited out there for an hour and a half, he stopped answering his phone, his parents turned off all the lights to the house as if to say "you're not welcome here" and he had a restriction notice put on his phone from accepting certain incoming calls, ie mine!
I don't know why I waited outside so long but I felt like I had to do to show myself that this is not the family I want to be with. My parents would NEVER, no matter how much they hated someone, make them sit outside and not invite them in to talk. I made it clear that I was there to talk and not fight. There was the stupid misunderstanding over the rent, so minut, and here he was blowing it out of proportion. I wanted so desperately to explain myself!
After a while, I gave up and went back home. I couldn't believe their behavior, his dad's a Pastor for crying out loud and yet they have no warmth in their hearts!
They forgot it was their son who spit in my face 3 wks ago at their family event, not the other way around. Yet I'm the villain.
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losingfaith
addict
Reged: 01/26/09
Posts: 630
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First thing I would like for you to do is stop contacting him or them.
They don't want contact with you and they have made that clear. It doesn't matter if you feel they should because the LAW is clear and cut on this
If they don’t want to speak to you if you keep this up they will file a restraining order and you will be made to look like a crazy woman...
Is that what you want?
Stop pushing the issue!!!
You are only going to make matters worse!!!
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Standing above the crowd he had a voice that was strong and loud
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suzie71384
recently joined
Reged: 10/20/09
Posts: 11
Loc: Encino, CA
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Yeah I totally agree. And no I don't want them to make me look like the crazy one because I'm not. And I know that's what they want. They want me to do something stupid so they can say "see we told you so".
It's gotten to the point of no return. ANYTHING I do at this point is the wrong thing so I'm just going to do NOTHING.
I don't even feel angry anymore. I feel nothing.
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myheart
member
Reged: 05/21/09
Posts: 116
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I know, as women we want to clear things up, want to make sure they understand we really didn't do intentionally, or we are good people, we are the one they loved.
But what I found out in a harder way, same man who chase me like crazy, forced me to marry him, wanted show off me to his rich friends and family as a trophy, suddenly was the one who was insulting me, showed every which way I don't care.
So I learned from the master. Now I am showing his own behaviour, I don't care, even I told him, any communication he needs to do with me should be to the point, to reduce any more communication.
I have become so immune ot his yelling, that when he tried last time, I was smiling on the other side of the phone, thinking yaaaaa, you truly don't know how to talk peroperly.
We all have our short comings. None of us are perfect. But again, if you value yourself as an human being, please don't do the following, whether he comes back or not:
Don't devalue your self.
DOn't call him or try to contact him.
Don't ask about him from anybody.
Join an hobby which you were not able to do while he was around.
Think about your life, like he is not going to be there.
Guess what it will heart, it will, but get hurt once, and grieve it to death, and just be done with that.
Getting hurt everyday is not acceptable.
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losingfaith
addict
Reged: 01/26/09
Posts: 630
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lol My heart all you are doing is fooling yourself playing a game
I'm not saying you don't make good points but you can love someone and still walk away
it doesn't make you any less of who or what you are
suz it's ok that you love this man but advice like this (faking how you feel) in the end it will only make you bitter because it will not be real and the sad part about that is you will only drag that bagage into the next relationship
just figure out a way to let him go honstly don't play games because if you you will live a lie and one thing I can tell you about a lie is you will only end up loosing yourself in that lie
lies are for cowards
don't lower yourself
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Standing above the crowd he had a voice that was strong and loud
Edited by losingfaith (11/06/09 12:20 AM)
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