Jawez
recently joined
Reged: 11/07/09
Posts: 4
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A long time friend informed me yesterday that my wife had slept with another man...even done things to him that she refuses to do to me. My wife claims that she met up with the guy, but there was only an awkward, mistake of a kiss, and it never went any farther than that. I want so badly to believe my wife...but the friend (who is female and claims my wife gave her all the details) has no real reason to lie to me. Who do I believe here?
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losingfaith
addict
Reged: 01/26/09
Posts: 630
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That's hard to say
I guess the real question is...
What do you believe?
If I were you I would ask myself does this woman have something to gain by telling you this
my first question is how long ago did this take place
what was the situation at home like
how long have the two of you been togather
and has there ever been cheating befor both befor and after the two of you were married
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Standing above the crowd he had a voice that was strong and loud
Edited by losingfaith (11/07/09 09:28 PM)
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Jawez
recently joined
Reged: 11/07/09
Posts: 4
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Thank you so much for the response.
I've put my wife through the wringer to make her prove that she's telling the truth...I made her call the guy on speaker phone and have him describe what happened...I even messaged the guy myself and appealed to the "man-to-man" concept to tell me the truth and that he had nothing to gain or lose by lying. In both instances he said that only the awkward kiss happened. I love my wife dearly. A huge part of me believes her. But there's history that confounds this. When I met her, she was married...it took her two or three months of us being together before she told her husband, who was deployed overseas at the time, as I am now. She's so insistent that the friend is lying and she's telling the truth.
In answer to your specific questions: this took place about a week or two ago. The situation at home has been strained, but we've both been trying hard to rectify that situation, though this deployment isn't helping that matter. We've been married almost four years and have a four year old child together. There has never been cheating after we married...there was some child-like cheating about four months after we started dating on my part...other than that, my wife has been 100% faithful.
At one point I thought the female friend had something to gain by telling me this...she at one point could have thought that I would want to be with her if my marriage ended, but she claims she has no interest in me. Beyond that, she's thought for a long time that my choice of wife wasn't the best for me.
I believe my wife. I just can't get that friend's words out of my head...I have to have everything out on the table now in order to be able to move on from this.
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Redlegg
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/05/06
Posts: 13460
Loc: Capital District, NY
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When I met her, she was married...it took her two or three months of us being together before she told her husband, who was deployed overseas at the time, as I am now. She's so insistent that the friend is lying and she's telling the truth.
Well, look back to when you were that guy. What would you have done, would you have come clean, or would you have told her husband at the time whatever she wanted you to tell him. There is no answer to this one, not one that will satisfy you. Considering your history as the other man, and her history with a spouse, you need to to either end the wondering and find a new friend and believe the wife, or you need to end the marriage. There is no way anyone here can tell you what to do, because you know best, you are there.
deja vu is a b*tch.
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Jawez
recently joined
Reged: 11/07/09
Posts: 4
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I know that I would have come clean if the husband would have approached me. I told her every day to tell her husband. As of now, I've cut off all communication with the friend. I can't move on with my marriage as long as she's in my life.
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Redlegg
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/05/06
Posts: 13460
Loc: Capital District, NY
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Then you have chosen. You cannot second guess it, it is time to move forward. Stay safe, return home, and make it work.
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Avaya
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 02/09/06
Posts: 7252
Loc: Arkansas
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Does your wife have a reason to lie to you? Why would you believe another person over the woman you pledged to spend your life with?
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"I did not come to bring peace on earth but to bring a sword." Matthew 10:34
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Jawez
recently joined
Reged: 11/07/09
Posts: 4
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That was my quandary...my wife has every reason to lie, because she's had a bad reputation with my military leadership and I would probably be able to get custody of our child if she cheated...and the friend, I thought, had no reason to lie as she had always been there for me, always been honest with me, and always been on my side. This friend and my wife were the two people that I trusted most in life. But, as an update, I've officially chosen to fix things with my marriage and cut all ties with the friend. We are both going to have to work hard, but I fully believe that everything is out on the table now, so we can work at moving on.
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losingfaith
addict
Reged: 01/26/09
Posts: 630
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As much as I don't want to reply to this post after reading that you were the other man I guess I should turn the other cheek and not judge.
If you love your wife then place faith in that fact.
I don't want to discourage you in anyway but I have to say this...
You have to keep in mind you got involved with someone that has done this before. (ie. with you)
Honestly did you think you think someone that has done this once before would not be willing to do it twice?
I know I said “If you love your wife then place faith in that fact” but I truly think you should consider the source when making that decision. Be careful who you place your love, trust, and faith in.
In a nutshell make sure that they are a person worthy of such gift.
I’m learning that the hard way with my wife right now. I guess in the end they heart wants what the heart wants and you can't change that but also keep this in mind...
(this is something I read in a book)
“The heart is the most deceitful of all and will always peruse that witch feels right for the moment so you have an obligation to lead your heart rather then follow it. The world tells you to follow your heart but if you are not leading it then someone or something else is.”
Just a little food for thought on the subject at hand...
It has been said that the very definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.
As to if it (your marriage) can be saved...
Yes it can but it's going to take work.
Get into some counseling and fast.
Best of luck...
Get home safe.
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Standing above the crowd he had a voice that was strong and loud
Edited by losingfaith (11/09/09 09:58 AM)
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Atlas
newbie
Reged: 11/03/09
Posts: 46
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Something to ponder - you say your friend has no reason to lie to you, but then mention that she's stated in the past that she feels that your wife was not good for you.
Maybe she has nothing to gain from you romantically, but being justified in being right can also make her biased enough to possibly skew the truth, or perpetrate an exaggerated rumor.
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