Four months ago I got married to a wonderful woman. The wedding was perfect and the day after we embarked on our honeymoon. A week later we came back to start our life together. We were so in love and the relationship had been 2 years of loving bliss.
Four months later I'm sitting on my couch. She left me three weeks ago and ever since I've been an emotional wreck. She says she doesn't love me anymore and she puts all the blame for the destruction of the marriage on me. I miss her so much but she refuses to try and work it out. She doesn't have a shred of emotion or love left for me.
At the start I was heavily addicted to World of Warcraft. I would play it day and night. I stayed up late every night playing. My wife had lived with me for a few months before the wedding but she never once complained about this.
About a month into our marriage she came to me with concerns. She wasn't sure what direction the marriage was headed due to my habits, not just WoW but also my heavy smoking and my poor diet. At first I was a little annoyed, I didn't want to make such drastic changes to the habits I had grown so comfortable with. Nevertheless, I obliged her requests. The next day I filled a prescription for Chantix to quit smoking, a week later I joined a gym and I began to cut down on the WoW. I stopped playing in the evenings to spend time with her and only played after she went to bed. I thought I had fixed the issues.
Apparently not. She began to complain about how I never went to bed as the same time as her. I realize now I should have absolutely done this but my response to her was "I'm not tired, I've always stayed up late."
"Well, sometimes I cry myself to sleep at night," she said. "If I'm going to bed alone, what's the point of me being here? I might as well be home in my own bed."
I didn't think it was so serious, but I was wrong. A few days after that initial discussion about my habits we took a drive out east from our apartment. My whole plan was to drive and see the sights with no destination. I thought it would be a great way to spend a nice afternoon, but on the drive back she became angry because I didn't have a better plan. "If we hadn't hit the ferry port you would have just kept on driving," she said angrily. It was that day that I began to feel something was wrong.
As the weeks went on I quit WoW on my own. I played other games at times to keep myself busy in the evenings but I began to notice that every time I tried to get close to her, she showed no interest in me. She didn't want to talk, or cuddle and she definitely stopped showing any interest in sex. I was confused and a bit hurt, I didn't know what was wrong.
I began to take notice of her habits, and then suspicion began to set in. She would go to the gym 3-4 times a week after work and spend lots of time with her parents and her sister. Most nights she wouldn't get home until 7 or 8 and her job closed every day at 5. She would spend the rest of the evening either chatting on Facebook or texting on her cellphone. According to her, it was always with her sister. One or two times while she was chatting I tried to cuddle up and she freaked out, accusing me of trying to sneak peaks at her computer screen. This confused me, why would she be so concerned? Was there something she was hiding?
We began to grow even more distant. We'd go out with friends to dinner and she wouldn't be social at all. She would text the entire evening, never looking up, never engaging anyone in conversation. Just texting constantly, grinning slyly. I began to wonder the worst: "Was she having an affair?"
Some time after that she went to a Yankees game on a Saturday. However, she stayed over her mother's the night before, went to the game the next day but didn't even return home until Sunday. "I went to see friends in Brooklyn," she said. She also freely disclosed that the person she went to the Yankee game with was a divorced male friend with 3 kids. Why would she even go to a baseball game and not take me along? "You don't like baseball, that's why," she said.
We began to talk about counseling, but we never got that far. A month ago we went to a movie and while there, I got into an argument with someone on line at the concession stand. That person had been fighting with the clerk behind the counter and I stepped in to defend the clerk, thereby making a scene. Apparently she'd been so embarrassed by my getting needlessly involved that she said if we'd taken her car she would have left me at the theater that moment and gone home. She chastised me about my attitude, said I had no respect for anyone and that she didn't want to have children with someone like that for fear I would teach our children to be like that. This really hurt, she had wanted children with me so very much for so very long and I was just finally starting to warm up to the idea.
The day after that, I lost my job of 10 years. I lost it because of the same attitude I exhibited at the theater, too. I got home, I complained about what happened, but she didn't try to comfort me at all. At 5 she said, "I have dinner with my parents, see you later." She didn't even think to invite me. So she leaves and a little while later I text her, asking to go.
"I'm sorry, you can't go, we have relatives coming," was her reply.
WHAT? I freaked out. Wasn't I relative? I asked what that meant and she said that was her mother's response. Still, I didn't understand what that was about. I was her husband, why wasn't I required to go? At that point, I made a terrible mistake. I accused her of lying and demanded to know where she really was going. The reason for me not being allowed to go was so ridiculous the only other possibility in my mind was that she wasn't with her parents but with another man. Later on I saw that Facebook comments on her wall from hours before I even got fired supported the dinner with parents plan.
The rest of the week we mostly argued and I got her to admit the following: "I just don't love you as much as I used to, I've been feeling it go away for a while now." I was confused as Hell. After quitting smoking, going to the gym and cutting down on video games I thought I was doing what she wanted, but she only turned her concerns to my attitude which was something that's not as easily changed as physical habits. Every argument didn't start out hostile either. All I tried to do was talk to her, to reason with her, but it would eventually devolve into arguing. That Friday, after another fight, she picked up and went to stay at her mother's for the night. The following day we had a public Facebook argument on my wall and she said she was coming over, according to her, "to get some of my things." I interpreted her words as she was coming to take everything.
But then I made a huge, fatal mistake. As she was on the way over, I told my parents who live upstairs (our apartment is in the basement) to not say anything or start trouble. My mother proceeds to tell me to make sure I get back the engagement ring because it was a family heirloom. Which it was. It belonged to my grandmother and I had it fitted with a new stone to propose to my wife. Without even thinking, as my wife was packing, I asked for it, and she flipped out. According to her, asking for the engagement ring back was me severing the ties and kicking her out! I understand the symbolism now but as the words came out of my mouth I didn't see it. I tried to explain this to her but she would hear nothing of it and wouldn't take it back. Instead of just taking some of her stuff, she packed up every last thing she had in the apartment and left, but not before I could sneak the ring into one of her bags without her knowing.
The next week was Hell. I tried to talk to her but she wouldn't listen. Finally I got her to agree to a meeting. Upon meeting she declared our marriage over and there was nothing that could be done to revive it. "I can't go back to someone who treated me that way," she said.
I asked how I treated her. Apparently all the while she felt ignored and second rate because of the video games, even after I quit WoW and played playstation to pass time. She said our sex life was too predictable and that I just cared more about the video games than her. I swore it wasn't true and tried to explain that she'd been pushing me away for weeks so I started to try less hard because I knew she wasn't interested, but that didn't matter.
"I never felt once like you even loved me," she said.
This broke my heart. It really did, because I do love her. I wanted to do everything for her, give her a happy life but the marriage was so young. There were things I still needed to learn about relationships. I was so certain I showed her love. I had changed so much about myself to suit her and was prepared to change more to keep her happy, but she just wasn't happy.
So, fast forward three weeks. I've tried to talk to her and profess my love for her, but nothing moves her. She doesn't miss me at all. She hangs out with her parents, her sister, watches football and goes to work. She doesn't miss me, she no longer loves me and she refuses to even think about trying again, all because of the ring incident. I tried to explain I didn't mean it the way she interpreted it but she doesn't care. She has her mind made up and no amount of pain she knows I'm going through can warm her heart. She plans to file for divorce and move on with her life without me, in spite of the love we shared for years, in spite of all the wonderful memories we shared. In the space of six to eight weeks she stopped loving me and wants nothing to do with me.
Is that even possible? I thought love was stronger than that. I thought that when two people loved each other they could overcome all adversity. I tried so hard to fix the marriage the last three weeks, but she doesn't want to try. She gave up on me in just three months and I am completely, utterly devastated. I feel like my life is truly over. I spend every minute of every day thinking about this, wondering what I could have done differently, trying to think of something to say to her that can convince her I always did love her and never meant to hurt her. I just cannot see my life going on without her in it.
I don't know what to do anymore. Her friends and family all now refuse to talk to me and I have no one on her side to turn to who might try and talk her into trying again. I can't force her to love me but she just doesn't want to try and I don't understand why. This was not how I learned love to be.
Please, someone help me.
What you had was lust -not love. Neither of you had love.
And, with some people, the wedding day is everything and they don't think about their life after the wedding.
Personally, get the dang divorce, you get counseling for your problems (immaturity being one of them) and return all the wedding gifts.
Sounds to me she's using the ring thing as an excuse. That way she can absolve herself of any guilt from being the one who wanted to break up the marriage in the first place.
Just be thankful you don't have any kids with this woman. Stop trying to get back with her and move on with your life. It will take awhile to get used to, but as time goes on it will get easier. And be sure to learn from your mistakes so you don't make them in your next relationship.
I’m making a huge assumption here but based on the fact that this fell apart so fast, the two of you must be young. Not that being young really means anything negative but it normally equates to rash and impulsive decisions. I say that because in reality 4 months is only a blink of an eye in the grand schema of things.
Atlas pointed out…
be sure to learn from your mistakes so you don't make them in your next relationship.
well I don't know if this one is going to end but if it does or doesn't he is 100% right
you have to learn from your mistakes. If not you will only repeat them over and over
I just want to point out a few of them that I noticed
Before I get started this is coming from a man. I’m not some jaded divorced woman bashing you just to make you feel bad and I’m not doing this to hurt your feelings but someone needs to point this out to you or you will continue to make the same mistake over and over and based on that assumption I just think you need a little bit of reality on this subject. Also I want you to know that in my first marriage I made many of the same mistakes so I speak from experienc.
In the end you can take it or leave it the choice is yours.
After reading your post I have noticed one pattern that has repeated itself over and over…
You make an awful lot of assumptions my friend.
First up you need to stop assuming
If you spell the word out it equals to…
Too make an “@SS” out of “U” and “ME”
You said in your post that you stopped playing WoW but then started playing other games in place of that (ie playstation games).
Replacing one parasite for another is not the answer. I refer to is as a “parasite” because that is exactly what it is. Anything that leaches time from your family (ie you and your wife) is a parasite.
What you should have done was started going to bed with you wife. Maybe she wanted to have sex, maybe she just wanted you by her side either way she was right even if you were not sleepy.
Another thing I want you to understand is that (especially for women) sex is not just a quickie and once it’s over “it’s off to play more games after she falls asleep”
Man you have to spend some quality time with her if not you are sending a selfish message and that will cause big problems. Love is about give and take and you need to learn that.
“In the span of 6 to 8 weeks she stopped loving me”
Well, I find that hard to believe even in spite what she says (if there was in fact love).
I’m not going to make the assumption like Buckeye did and say it was lust because I don’t know the two of you on a personal level
With that said; if you have not heard this from others then let me be the first to tell you that if she doesn’t feel love for you that fast, then she doesn’t know what love is and never felt it for you in the first place. I hate to be the one to say this but it is truth I assure you.
Basically what I’m saying is don’t make the ASSUMTION that she is not hurting too just because she is being cold and not speaking to you. I’m willing to bet that when you call her you speak about the problems rather then asking her how her day was and if there is anything you can do for her.
“I thought love was stronger than that. I thought that when two people loved each other they could overcome all adversity”
Well welcome to the real world because it takes more then just love to make a marriage work and while love is a huge part of it, it’s not the only one part of it. Also it is not so much just saying the words “I love you.” It’s about how you show that love. Actions speak Louder the words ever will.
“No amount of pain I am going through makes any difference”
Well then let this one be lesson #1 for you
Imagine how she felt when she found out the her prince was a game junkie
In reality it’s not much different from finding out that they are a drug junky and can be devastating
You can’t make her feel bad for you because you are hurting. Seriously no matter how hard you try it will never happen because she is not you and doesn’t feel things the way you do. That’s just life. As a matter of fact you will more then likely make yourself look pathetic in her eyes, not to mention why would you want someone to come back by way of pity? Pity is only a temporary feeling and it will fade. What you should want is for her to come back to you because she loves you.
“I spend every minute of every day thinking about this, wondering what I could have done differently, trying to think of something to say to her that can convince her I always did love her and never meant to hurt her. I just cannot see my life going on without her in it.”
Well, your life will go on with or without her just as if you decided to do something stupid like ending your life…
life would go on with out you. I say that in the deepest scene of the meaning because life does not revolve around you and you need to come to grips with that. You are simply apart of it and while you may want it to you must realize that a request like this is simply unrealistic.
You need to find some patients. Give it some time and stop pushing the issue. This will only make matters worse. You have to let her…
#1 miss you
#2 want to here what you have to say (that will come with time if she even wants to here it at all) and I can tell you that you can say a number of things but your actions will speak louder then you words
#3 show her you love her don’t just say it.
#4 SHOW her that you are changing don’t tell her one word about the things you are doing to change yourself because she will see it as you not making a true effort. Let her see this on her own and then let her come to the conclusions on her own. Remember you can’t demand anything.
I don’t know if any of the things I have told you will save this and you have to be willing to accept that if it ends but I can tell you that if you keep trying to do things the way you have been it will end for sure.
Standing above the crowd he had a voice that was strong and loud
Edited by losingfaith (11/19/09 12:37 PM)