obstin8
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Reged: 12/05/09
Posts: 4
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Divorce pending in a few days. She has two from a previous marriage. One out of the house already. Second one is living with someone else at this point. Only my daughter in the house. She told me for years "If anything happens to us, you will have to take her because I can't handle her."
Now that it has come down to the divorce, she has changed her mind. Only conclusion is that she wants the money. Talked to friends who say that she really is not paying any attention to her and is concentrating on her other two children (16 and 18) and leaving mine (11) basically alone most of the time.
I am wanting some feedback on paying her the child support, plus some, and let me take her to raise. Obviously at this point she wants the money, not necessarily the responsibility.
Has anyone heard of this, and if so, what the outcome could be. She has all the property, even mine, and this would leave her with being only concerned with her first two.
Have been the sole provider for a long time and now she has a job (first time in quite a while) and needs the money, so if i take my kid and she gets paid, what would she possibly have heart ache with?
No man haters please. Had enough of you already. Stay away and keep the keyboard yelling to yourself. Thanks. Have a nice day.
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Sherron
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/25/06
Posts: 20056
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Are you planning on having it written up like that in the decree, or will this be a verbal agreement?
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Debi
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Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7135
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You could offer a set number of years of SS (which would be tax deductible for you and CS is not) as long as you get custody. You'd pay CS for about 7 years so offer 5 years of SS at what ever CS would be.
On the other hand if you offered CS even if you have custody it is modifiable so after a year or so when the status quo has already been established you could have it dropped.
I say you offer what you think is best and if she takes the money and hands over custody then she isn't the best parent to raise your daughter anyway and you all win.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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obstin8
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Reged: 12/05/09
Posts: 4
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I would have it written in the decree. I am willing to pay for the next 7 years, whatever it takes, to get my daughter. I see what you are saying, Debi, about the extra for 5 years and deal from that.
Last time I talked to her, she said "I cant live on that amount of child support... er... she cant live on that amount." So, I am hoping her greed will outweigh her want.
I am willing to pay for her transportation to see her, all her clothing, medical, everything. I will give up tax rights and exemptions. Financially I am not concerned, I will figure that part out. I just know that there is a better life for her with me than her mom.
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Sherron
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Reged: 11/25/06
Posts: 20056
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"I would have it written in the decree. "
Odds are, a judge won't let you. It would amount to you "buying" your dd, doesn't look good. Debi's advice makes the most sense, buy her off with alimony. The results are the same, but it'll look more ethical and a judge would be more likely to sign off on it.
"Have been the sole provider for a long time and now she has a job (first time in quite a while) and needs the money"
Perfect set-up for alimony, you'll be the concerned ex-husband who just wants to make sure she can pay her bills until she gets re-established in the working world.
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Debi
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Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7135
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One other down side I see you you paying her CS and raising the child is that on paper it would be her who has custody not you. Any time she gets PO'd she could say she's keeping your daughter and there isn't much you can do because the papers would have to show she has custody to do what you're talking about.
Offering SS in exchange for custody would be a much safer alternative. If she doesn't want to go for that idea you could always say that if she fights for custody you'll be requesting that she keep an account of where all of the CS money goes due to her comments about "her" not being able to live on that amount of money. It's extreme and doesn't happen often but I do know a couple of people who have had that put in their decree. If she has to show the money is going toward your daughters care and not her lifestyle she may see SS and giving you custody as a much better alternative.
I completely understand what you're thinking and why. I just think you need to tweek this idea a bit before presenting it. I'm completely against SS for an able bodied person who is capeable of supporting themselves. I think it makes them a parasite, but in your case I think it's the lesser of two evils to offer it.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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obstin8
recently joined
Reged: 12/05/09
Posts: 4
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Sherron, Debi,
Thank you for your input. I appreciate your "getting" what I am trying to do. Good comments and what I am trying to do is present this here for you to help guide how to present this with the best possible chance for success.
You are absolutely right, Debi, didn't think about her getting upset and keeping her. I sure can see that happening.
Good idea on the accounting side. I read that earlier and had thought about that. Is there a time limit to SS, or would I need to specify that? She is able bodied and I had for years tried to get her to go to school for her degree. She always had some excuse as to why she could not. Parasite is exactly what it has been, so I am used to it and to keep my daughter I don't mind that continuing if I can keep her to raise and make sure her education does not suffer.
Another situation that I need some thought input on is that her youngest of the two from her previous marriage is still in the house (I think) and has, with her drama, caused the soon to be ex an inordinate amount of time to be spent on her. This has left mine to be put on the sideline and basically ignored. A common friend told me yesterday that my child told him that no one wants her because she is left alone all the time. This infuriated me and as a result brought this idea to bear. Question is, how do I present this portion as part of my want in relation to what is happening in the house?
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JennyLynn
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Reged: 07/14/05
Posts: 31656
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<<Odds are, a judge won't let you. It would amount to you "buying" your dd, doesn't look good. Debi's advice makes the most sense, buy her off with alimony. The results are the same, but it'll look more ethical and a judge would be more likely to sign off on it.
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That's not necessarily true - many judges don't see it that way at all, and will sign off on such an agreement. I know several people who have done something similar.
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JennyLynn
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/14/05
Posts: 31656
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<<You could offer a set number of years of SS (which would be tax deductible for you and CS is not) as long as you get custody. You'd pay CS for about 7 years so offer 5 years of SS at what ever CS would be.
On the other hand if you offered CS even if you have custody it is modifiable so after a year or so when the status quo has already been established you could have it dropped.
I say you offer what you think is best and if she takes the money and hands over custody then she isn't the best parent to raise your daughter anyway and you all win.
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I think this sounds like a great idea.
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Debi
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Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7135
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In regards to the drama in her home....tread lightly. I would phrase it something like this........"Would you mind me taking D for a little extra time? Its so quiet around here and it might work out well for all of us right now." If she's not receptive THEN tell her that from what you've heard there is a lot going on and your daughter is feeling invisible and that you think it might be in her best interest to spend a week or so with you until things calm down.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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