DoneWithBPD
recently joined
Reged: 12/29/09
Posts: 2
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Hi,
I left my husband almost two months ago after a LONG time of verbal abuse, rage/fits and finally my boys treating me the same as he was. We are living with family on the same street as him. Our marriage has been on the rocks for years. Our oldest son is high functioning autistic and husband has no clue about how much damage this will do. This son was out of control due to the unpredictability of his father.
Husband agreed to working through the divorce without a fight until he figured out I was serious about divorcing. So he got an ADAM (American Divorce Assoc. for Men) lawyer and is playing the victim. He filed 11/25/09; served me the Saturday 12/19 before Christmas and we're supposed to be in court 1/5/10 for the judge to decide where the kids will live.
Because I am a stay at home mom (three boys) - I have NO money. Even if I did, there wasn't enough "business days" for said lawyer to prepare.
So I go to court to face him and his lawyer. He has filed a motion claiming (like the children are property), that they need to be returned to our marital home (without me). He put several lies in there like, "both parents jointly care for the children." He hasn't been to the pediatrician, dentist, school meetings, sports and even trick or treating. He has gotten up with them for sickness or feeding when they were babies, MAYBE 10 times in almost 12 years. He spent very little time with them unless I had to go somewhere (rarely).
He has psychological issues (Borderline Personality Disorder) and regularily yelled/cursed at me in front of the boys. He was buddies with his sons and undermined much of the discipline I tried to use. I was in denial for the longest time - having the police out for our oldest son two times in one week woke me up.
I don't want the boys to grow up thinking it's okay to treat women like they are worthless. I want to work things out fairly without judges, but he's fighting while he claims to want to "work things out and stay married". I've been on this rollercoaster and believed him a number of other times that just ended with more damage to the kids.
Here are my questions: 1. Has anyone ever dealt with a lawyer who believes that women need to be punished during the divorce process? 2. What can I say to the judge since I'll be there without a lawyer?
I'm in Michigan where it is a no-fault 50/50 divorce and we've been married 16-1/2 years.
If you cannot reply with respect, please don't reply at all.
Thanks a bunch!
I have asked both his lawyer and him to do a mediation session with both refusing to do so.
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googledad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 12/31/05
Posts: 10207
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How old are the kids ?
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Careful. We don't want to learn from this.
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iwantjustice
recently joined
Reged: 12/30/09
Posts: 6
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The first thing I would do is to move you and the kids back into the family home and ask that he be ordered to leave on Tuesday. (unless there is some kind of domestic violence order in effect) You are at a severe disadvantage by not having the children in their own home. As hard as this would be for you to do, you MUST do it or he will get temporary custody of them. Your next step would be for temporary support and maintainance (sp) You will (should not) be punished for wanting out of the marriage. Judges understand your financial situation as a stay at home mom with no financial income of your own. Do you have any witnesses or any doctor records that can back up your claims of abuse? Some states don't recognize emotional/verbal abuse eventhough it can be the worst kind of abuse because no one can see the scars it leaves on you. Since you have a special needs child and you have been the primary caretaker all these years I personally don't think it makes any difference if your husband claims to have "jointly" cared for the children, if you are a stay at home mom and he works, there is no way it was equal care. Prepare your own affidavit and motion for what you want. Use your husbands as a guideline as to what it needs to look like. What you want is enough money to live on and pay the bills, so start adding it up. Good luck to you from SC
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DoneWithBPD
recently joined
Reged: 12/29/09
Posts: 2
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Thanks so much for the replies. The boys are 11 (12 in March), 9 and 7.
I'm scared to move back into the house, because he will cause a scene in front of the children and confuse/warp them (and not leave as he's promised to do in the past and didn't). Or, he'll think that I'm coming back to him and that'll confuse him and the kids as well.
I have friends that have seen some abuse, but most of it was behind closed doors and I kept it all together so no one would know.
I am working to get police records from the sheriffs office. They will be ready on or just before the court day.
Maybe I'm naive, but I was thinking that the judge wouldn't like pulling the kids from their stable environment to move back there with him?
We are using the same bank account at the time and neither of us has done anything hinky. He is so nice and friendly when we aren't living together. Typical I assume.
Anymore advice?
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j1197
recently joined
Reged: 12/30/09
Posts: 2
Loc: Michigan
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Ask for a public defender, you have the right to do that and they can ask for an recess/ postponement on the date, also try WOW it is an organization for women in your cituation I use one of their lawers, but ask for references and check them out with the B.A.R. association to make sure you are well suited to the lawer you are connected with. I don't reccomend going this alone, call the court, and ask for the public defender tommrow first thing, it will be better than nothing. Good luck also , do not take any extra money out of the account just take what you would normally use, that way it is a show of good faith, you can also counter sue for sole custody, talk with the friend of the court, remember they are just that the friend of the court, and will do what is in the best intrest of the child, not you or your spouce. Again best wishes from a fellow mom, keep true to yourself, don't talk out of turn in court, you will get your day too, I learned to stay calm, and let him make a fool of himself. Remember call right away for the public defender, they will hopefully beable to help.
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mommyof9
old hand
Reged: 10/04/08
Posts: 1176
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In what world can she get a public defender? Is she being charged with a crime? I was under the impression that this is just the hearing to establish temp orders until the divorce is finalized. Legal Aid in our county doesn't even assist in family court cases anymore... you either pay for an attorney or learn how to be one very quickly.
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Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.
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kbunk10
recently joined
Reged: 01/14/10
Posts: 20
Loc: Galesburg, IL
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legal aid honey.
look up legal aid or the american bar association, they'd be able to tell you. lawyer, there ya go.
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wife & mommy
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Miranda
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 20822
Loc: North of Mexico
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Quote:
legal aid honey.
look up legal aid or the american bar association, they'd be able to tell you. lawyer, there ya go.
Not every state offers this.
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13.1...because I am only half crazy!
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Maury
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 8146
Loc: This Asylum --->
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Most states have some form of non-profit that provides legal assistance to those with lower incomes or offers a sliding fee scale. they may or may not be called legal aid.
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