sadad
member
Reged: 01/01/10
Posts: 103
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I am in the middle of a heated divorce and will make this short as poss. I have two kids (10 and 12) that both have stated that they want to live with me due mostly to the horrible actions of their mother. They are actually scared of her. We are currently doing week to week with the kids and they do not like it. I have them in therapy and their therapists is starting to see the concerns. Anyway, she has now started to say that I physically abused her. This could not be farther from the truth. And here is my question... Could these false acusations hurt me??
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It takes a "special" person to cheat.
Once a cheater always a cheater!
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Miranda
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 20822
Loc: North of Mexico
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I am willing to bet that a large % of women cry abuse during a divorce proceeding. She has to prove it. Do you have an attorney. I know it is easy for me to tell you not to worry, but she will look worse in the end for lying about abuse.
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13.1...because I am only half crazy!
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Miranda
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 20822
Loc: North of Mexico
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Are you in San Antonio? I am there too if you are but I live in Guadalupe county.
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13.1...because I am only half crazy!
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sadad
member
Reged: 01/01/10
Posts: 103
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yes, I have an attorney. Its just sad for the kids!!! Looking back I know it was all planed by her. I basically caught her at a bar with another man. Had someone take pictures of them kissing. I showed up and did not lay a hand on her or him. If I was ever gonna be violent, it would have been then. She wanted me to move out of the house and for me to file. This way she could tell everyone that I left her and that I filed. Well, i did move out (should have never done that) but I did it to "work" on our marriage. Couldnt get her to go to cnsling, so I went alone. Kept catching her with him. So, I filed but I swung for the fence!!!! Adultery, mental anguish, I want the kids, the house, disproportionate share of the assests. I went into quite a bit of debt to save my business and I personally guaranteed it all. Her name is not on any of it!! She says that she had no idea about the debt,(false) and that I am a financial wreck and cant take care of the kids. BS! She has her own money, but my parents live close and help with the kids a lot. Her parents live even closer than mine, but have not seen the kids in years. I know I am right and in my heart think that i will come out on top for the kids. its just the unknown that kills me.
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It takes a "special" person to cheat.
Once a cheater always a cheater!
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sadad
member
Reged: 01/01/10
Posts: 103
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lol that freaked me out for a second!! Was thinking how the heck did they know that????
SADAD got it!!!!
Yes, san antonio
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It takes a "special" person to cheat.
Once a cheater always a cheater!
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Miranda
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 20822
Loc: North of Mexico
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Ha I did not see it at first, but then I saw "sa" and Texas. I figured it was here or San Angelo. Are you in Bexar county? I am surprised you all are doing a week on and a week off. That is relatively progessive and Texas is not a progessive state at all. Child support is a straight %, how are you all doing that?
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13.1...because I am only half crazy!
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sadad
member
Reged: 01/01/10
Posts: 103
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yes, bexar county. No temporary orders, no child support. My kids, especially my son, fear her and do not want to be with her. He is twelve and signed the form stating that he wants to live with me. Therapist has seen some signs and understands that they do not feel safe. My attny is off till mon and I know that my x is gonna file something on the 7th. I swear, she is crazy!!! Does not want me to go to the house to drop off the kids. She suggested a neutral area...Mcdonalds parking lot!! WTF??? I not exchanging my kids in a fast food parking lot!!!! I have an apt down the street from my house and had her bring them to me! If she files for temp orders, will she get the kids and make me pay cs? Or, can i beat her to the punch and get the therapist involved?
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It takes a "special" person to cheat.
Once a cheater always a cheater!
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Miranda
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 20822
Loc: North of Mexico
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Has no one filed for divorce yet? IF not, you need to get your lawyer to do it ASAP. Monday. YOU need to ask for custody. What is your lawyer doing?
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13.1...because I am only half crazy!
Edited by Miranda (01/01/10 11:29 PM)
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sadad
member
Reged: 01/01/10
Posts: 103
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Ok this may be a bit lengthy so let me appologize while I try to give you the "cliff notes".
I filed but I swung for the fence!!!! Adultery, mental anguish, I want the kids, the house, disproportionate share of the assests. I started off with one lawyer who told me that i would need 30 - 40k for a custody battle and that I would prob not get my kids. Well, i didnt go for that so I fired him and got a new one.
fastforward a bit.... My ex is now reaching for straws. She filed for a full discovery. I have spent more time getting bank statements, credit card bills, copies of checks, etc!! like I said above, I went into debt trying to save my business. I guess she was looking for things that I did wrong. She was looking for accounting errors suggesting that I stole money from the business.
She has not (and will not) find that because I didn't. Her lawyer wanted 5 years of quickbooks data - I gave her 10. She wanted specific items from different tax returns - I gave her 5 yrs of complete tax returns. When that started to go nowhere she is now saying that I abused her physically.
my new lawer has moved some things along!! Had a social study and it came back in my favor. I should have decision making authority, that they should live with me etc. The social worker found out that we were going to mediation and at the ninth hour right before he filed the report, he added that it would be an "option" for us to split time even with the kids. Well, in mediation, she latched on to that and we went nowhere.
I have offered to take ALL of the debt., less than half the equity in the house, but I want the kids on my terms..decision maker, live with me, she pays child support. She would have probably agreed to it all except the support. That is the reason she wants to half them. Then it would boil down to time and time = money! Money is where its at for her!!!!
She had a trust (I know, it just keeps getting better) and spends all this time looking up what "she" paid for and what the marital estate owes her personal estate. She has gotten as low as a tree in the yard, wall paper, property taxes that was paid for with those funds. (directly from that acccount. no comingle.) She spent that freely! I never had any input on "her" money!
She handled the "family" finances and basically spent everything that I could make. Savings were never discussed because of her trust.
Back to discovery, I didnt ask for the same from her, although I think that I might be entitled to 1/2 of any profit or interest that her money made while we were married, because its not about money to me!
I fear going to court because I keep hearing that Judges can do whatever they want no matter what evidence you have and since I am the father, I might already be at a disadvantage. Its like I am in a card game and my kids are the chips!!
She cheated on me....I filed for divorce....kids stated they want to live with me....social study in my favor....therapists sees the damage to kids....
Dang, its all in my favor but it seems to go nowhere. I fully believe that my lawyer is not "milking" me. She does a ton of stuff that she doesn't charge me for and allows me to make monthly payments. I do think that the ex's lawyer is milking the crap out of her!
are you a lawer? what do you know about bexar county? How the heck do I speed this BS up! what chance do I have in getting custody? What chance do I have in getting primary full sole custody? Does she really have a claim about me owing her money?
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It takes a "special" person to cheat.
Once a cheater always a cheater!
Edited by sadad (01/02/10 06:55 AM)
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sadad
member
Reged: 01/01/10
Posts: 103
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COME ON PEOPLE, ANY HELP OUT THERE????
ANY SUGGESTIONS???
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It takes a "special" person to cheat.
Once a cheater always a cheater!
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rocketgirl
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/24/04
Posts: 8562
Loc: On the beach in 14 years...
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Dude, calm down.. there is not a lot of traffic on here on the weekends...
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Lisa
Diplomacy - the art of telling someone to go to hell, and them looking forward to the trip.
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sadad
member
Reged: 01/01/10
Posts: 103
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I got ya! Sorry, its just all the unknown in this process that drives me crazy! I just want this to have some sort of direction towards some sort of conclusion because my kids are suffering daily. It is so true that they are the ones that are hurt the most in all of this.
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It takes a "special" person to cheat.
Once a cheater always a cheater!
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Miranda
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 20822
Loc: North of Mexico
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I don't know much about Bexar county courts, but I do know that the paper your 12 year old signed is very important. It seems you have a lot of things going for you. What does your lawyer say about going to court? I will say that lawyer do like you to mediate because it makes their job easier.
I would suggest you also register at dadsdivorce.com and talk to other men who have been in your situation.
The boards are dead on the weekends plus it is a holiday weekend at that.
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13.1...because I am only half crazy!
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sadad
member
Reged: 01/01/10
Posts: 103
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thanks again, I will check out the site you suggested. Our mediation was tuesday before christmas and we got nowhere. There has been no action since due to the holidays. My soon to be ex does not want me to drop off the kids at the house and has stated that she is filing something on the 7th to stop that. here is my fear...if what she is speaking of is temporary orders, can she get temp custody? and if so, will that make it a uphill battle for me? additionally, is a jury trial better if we get there?
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It takes a "special" person to cheat.
Once a cheater always a cheater!
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Miranda
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 20822
Loc: North of Mexico
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Personally I do not like jury trials. The judge should stick to state laws. She can file whatever she wants, but courts like status quo unless there is a real problem.
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13.1...because I am only half crazy!
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sadad
member
Reged: 01/01/10
Posts: 103
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i just hear horror stories of judges doing whatever they want.
can she get temp custody? and if so, will that make it a uphill battle for me?
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It takes a "special" person to cheat.
Once a cheater always a cheater!
Edited by sadad (01/02/10 11:12 AM)
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c_jane
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 04/06/07
Posts: 1752
Loc: In the Great State of Texas
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Judges can and DO do what they want. However, it is my personal experience in Texas that if you are a dad that files for custody you get it. In all my years of begging for data that does NOT support this (since '98), I have only found ONE case where this was NOT true.
Judges will bend over backwards for you so as to not be accused of gender bias. Your lawyer should be familiar with the judge when you are assigned a court. You should ask her.
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John Constantine: God's a kid with an ant farm.... He's not planning anything.
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BeckaLeigh
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/08/05
Posts: 6875
Loc: Texas
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Man, I am going to tell you now to get your butt to the courthouse BEFORE SHE DOES. If she gets custody, it is going to be an uphill battle all the way. Adultery is not an important factor in Texas, but it may help with the distribution of marital assets. NO WAY should you offer to take all the debt. Make it proportionate to your incomes.
Don't do a jury trial on custody unless you ABSOLUTELY have to!! My divorce was finalized in Comal County but my child support is out of Bexar County. My lawyer told me that if I took it to trial, on the off chance that my X didn't show his true assy self first, that both of us would be sunk. I don't know what she meant by that, I was in the middle of losing my mind by that time.
GET YOUR BUTT TO THE COURTHOUSE FIRST THING TOMORROW IF THEY ARE IN SESSION AND FILE FOR CUSTODY, EVEN IF YOU HAVE A LAWYER!! You are in for a big, costly battle if you have to fight to get them back from her. It took me 2 of the most miserable years of my life to get my kids back from my x and by then, he had my daughter hating me.
Good luck. Texas is getting better about dads. Comal County stuck with my x for a long time. Bexar County is pretty much either way, from what I have seen. The document your child signed could be very important, or the judge could throw it out and get pissed that you brought a child into it. I know, there is a good reason for it, but I have seen it happen.
I hope things turn out in the best interest of your kids. Mine suffered alot before I got them back but they have recovered from that. It is all the other damage their dad has done that I am dealing with now. I hope this helps somehow. It is about all I know at this second.
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I tried being normal once. Worst five minutes of my life.
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sadad
member
Reged: 01/01/10
Posts: 103
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I totally understand the losing your mind statement!! Sometimes it all seems like a really bad dream!
Look, I am fully aware that there are two sides to every story! I am also man enough to admit that I am not perfect. As far as I know, there has been only one perfect man to walk this earth!
I am also 100% aware that "life" goes on. Does her affair hurt? Yes!! Am I gonna do something "stupid" about it? Heck no!!! I wouldn't give her the satisfaction.
i have always been an involved father...
made them breakfast every day!
Took them to school everyday!
coached sports teams!
attended almost every single baseball, football, tennis, volleyball, dance etc etc etc!
This HAS to help me right?
What about grandparents??
my parents help out tremendously and have a great relationship with the kids. They pick them up from school when I can't. They go to EVERY game or dance or school function!!!
Hers are even closer than mine and have absolutely no relationship with the kids what so ever!!!
Will the judge consider this?
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It takes a "special" person to cheat.
Once a cheater always a cheater!
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BeckaLeigh
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/08/05
Posts: 6875
Loc: Texas
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Yes, family does help. The judge should consider this. Please remember that every case is different and whereas mine went south, your's could go east, north or west. It sounds like you are a good dad and if she is claiming abuse, it is most likely what she was told to do by someone. Or she knows she is going into a battle handicapped. I truly hope that you get what you ask for, just don't accept all the marital debt. She helped make it, she can help pay it. I know you want your kids, but there is no reason for you to do it ALL alone.
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I tried being normal once. Worst five minutes of my life.
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sadad
member
Reged: 01/01/10
Posts: 103
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I know that everyone says that their divorce is the worst and complicated ever but I think I have most of them beat!!
95% of the debt is business related with my name all over it. when I found out about the affair, I went into shock and disbelief and therefore, the business sufford even more. I threw out a few apps and got a job offer and took it and walked away from the business. Now, the business is under a corporation which we both own. To thicken the sludge, she has a business that is still running (not very profitable might i add) Also under the same corporation.
Back to the debt... Although the loan and credit cards are in the business, I had to personally guarantee them so most of the debt is going to "bleed over" to me anyway which will prob cause me to file bnkrptcy to protect myself. She claims that she did not know about the debt. (lie)
Look at it this way... if the business was worth 10 million do you think she would want her 5 million half?
You bet your a** she would!
But since it is worthless and has nothing but debt she wants to say thats all mine!
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It takes a "special" person to cheat.
Once a cheater always a cheater!
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BeckaLeigh
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/08/05
Posts: 6875
Loc: Texas
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Of course she is going to say it is all yours and find any way she can to stick it to you. It is marital debt, the judge should see that.
As for the worst divorce, we all think our's are worse than other's. They may well be. But, you have to find an outlet for your anger, frustration, betrayal, etc... a healthy outlet. It is good to come here and vent b/c most of us have been there, done that. Just take it one day at a time and as soon as court is in session, get your butt up there and file for custody!!!
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I tried being normal once. Worst five minutes of my life.
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Miranda
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 20822
Loc: North of Mexico
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No the debt is marital, it does not matter how it is titled. Half of it belongs to her. You need to ask for everything under the sun and ask her to pay half of the marital debt. Texas is a community property state, she cannot pick and choose what law she wants to follow.
You do not have a temp. order of any kind? You need to at least have a temp order, ordering the status quo of 50/50 physical placement until you go to trial or whatever.
I sat on airplane next to a woman from the West side and she and her husband were able to remove her step son from his mother via a jury trial. But there was soooo much evidence of abuse and neglect that they had it in the bag. If you do a jury trial and your ex drops crocodile tears and cries about abuse the jury could turn sympathetic to her. Judges have to follow laws and rules.
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13.1...because I am only half crazy!
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Miranda
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 20822
Loc: North of Mexico
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Why in the hell did she tell you she was going to file something on the 7th? Is she a moron? YOu need to get your lawyer to file something IMMEDIATELY Monday morning via fax to get some sort of temp order. I don't know how you have a lawyer and are paying someone and you don't have any sort of filings or temp orders.
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13.1...because I am only half crazy!
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Miranda
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 20822
Loc: North of Mexico
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Okay SAdad....I am going to break it down for you. Either you are a bad explainer of things (no offense) or you do not fully grasp what is going on legally.
You filed for divorce right? Your ex should have been served. She should have answered your motion. A court date should have been set. None of that has happened?
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13.1...because I am only half crazy!
Edited by Miranda (01/02/10 01:14 PM)
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sadad
member
Reged: 01/01/10
Posts: 103
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thanks again guys!!!!
planning to be at the courthouse mon am!
no temp orders at all. we have just agreed to mon to mon w the kids.
i think she is trying to use the "innocent spouse" about the debt.
any knowledge on that?
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It takes a "special" person to cheat.
Once a cheater always a cheater!
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BeckaLeigh
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/08/05
Posts: 6875
Loc: Texas
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All very good questions, Miranda. But, remember, when you are new to the divorce thing, it is easy to get/stay confused. If sadad has a lawyer, he doesn't seem to be doing much.
And IF the agreement is filed with the court for Monday to Monday, most likely, that won't change until the divorce is finalized, unless there are obvious signs of abuse.
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I tried being normal once. Worst five minutes of my life.
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BeckaLeigh
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/08/05
Posts: 6875
Loc: Texas
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It isn't going to work. Both companies were put under the corp, she knew what was going on. Ask your lawyer to try to file something before a female judge in SA. They tend to lean alot more towards dads usually.
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I tried being normal once. Worst five minutes of my life.
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sadad
member
Reged: 01/01/10
Posts: 103
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ok, I filed, she was served, she answered, no court date!
I changed lawyers about 3 months ago,
social study (took a while)
mediation
christmas break
We never did temp orders because we agreed on the week to week w the kids. It is just getting worse and worse!
Thats the way she is! actually told me that something was going to be filed! She is just so used to having things her way. Her way or the highway!
Well, not now!
I do want my kids to have a relationship with their mother but starting to wonder if she wants the same! Its almost like they are $$ signs for her!
She has her own money through a trust and she is trying to protect it.
Hey, I dont blame her for that, but I must protect myself!!
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It takes a "special" person to cheat.
Once a cheater always a cheater!
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sadad
member
Reged: 01/01/10
Posts: 103
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ok, something else...
if I file an emergency order for temp custody what happens from there?
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It takes a "special" person to cheat.
Once a cheater always a cheater!
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Miranda
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 20822
Loc: North of Mexico
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What is the emergency? There has to be one.
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13.1...because I am only half crazy!
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sadad
member
Reged: 01/01/10
Posts: 103
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I have both kids seeing a therapist that uses play therapy. My son has expressed safety concerns with figures that he placed during a session in a sand box.
He was asked to place figures on one side of his life before this "situatio". He placed the four of us at a table, us hunting, baseball, football, etc. On the other side he placed spiders, snakes, a dragon and a figure of him against the wall after his mom threw him against it.
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It takes a "special" person to cheat.
Once a cheater always a cheater!
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sadad
member
Reged: 01/01/10
Posts: 103
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so, is the safety of my kids through this event be considered an emergency??
The therapist took pictures and said that she would get involved.
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It takes a "special" person to cheat.
Once a cheater always a cheater!
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sadad
member
Reged: 01/01/10
Posts: 103
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OK, can anyone out there give me any input on the above??
I have had ENOUGH!!! Seems like its one thing after another! Man this process (divorce) stinks!!!
Is it really true that men usually lose in custody battles?
Even if your "loving" wife cheated on you?
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It takes a "special" person to cheat.
Once a cheater always a cheater!
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finz
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/17/08
Posts: 6453
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Your stbx cheating on you has nothing to do with your custody fight.
People are trying to give you input. We just don't know enough. It makes no sense that the kids' therapist is telling you that the kids are so afraid of your stbx that she can help you get custody, but she doesn't think a call to CPS is indicated.
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BeckaLeigh
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/08/05
Posts: 6875
Loc: Texas
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The cheating doesn't matter and you really have no grounds to file for an ex parte hearing. The therapist should have only told you that she was concerned. She should never have told you exactly what happened. That's breaking the confidentiality rule. And from what I have seen in SA, you won't be able to use her views in court unless she is willing to testify for you. You need to step back, calm down and realize that this divorce is going to take a while. I know that is hard to do, believe me, but it is a divorce. They aren't easy or usually quick when there are children involved.
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I tried being normal once. Worst five minutes of my life.
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c_jane
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 04/06/07
Posts: 1752
Loc: In the Great State of Texas
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My divorce/custody fight with Ex- was filed Sept. '97. We were finally in court right after T'giving '98. Relax. This will take a while.
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John Constantine: God's a kid with an ant farm.... He's not planning anything.
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CuriousGeorge
enthusiast
Reged: 01/15/09
Posts: 216
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I will tell you from personal experience, you need to get focused on something else. Stop fretting. You are weakening yourself mentally.
I did the same. I wanted it OVER! For me, I negotiated poorly and suffered even more than I had too for the next three years. Hindsight is 20/20.
Get in shape.
Train and run a marathon.
Build a house.
Anything - just realize this takes time and the more you want to accelerate the more power you give your STBX.
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You never know someone until you divorce them.
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sadad
member
Reged: 01/01/10
Posts: 103
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Thanks a ton guys! Really liked CuriousGeorge. You put it in a way that really hits me!!!
Got my running shoes on!
Thanks again!
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It takes a "special" person to cheat.
Once a cheater always a cheater!
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