Allan
recently joined
Reged: 01/07/10
Posts: 14
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I'm a newbie to this site... and to be honest I never thought I would be asking these questions until recently.. Long story short. Married 17 + yrs to my best friend from college. We have 3 children (13, 5, 2 yrs old). Last month I found out my wife was having an affair. She finally admitted it and said this has been going on for about 3 yrs. I found numerous e-mails and text messages afterwards. Now she has agreed to do to counseling, which I don't feel like she is really trying to save our marriage. She says that she doesn't want to get to be 50 yrs old and be a old witch.... to be honest I don't get it. We have a tight family, which me finding out about the affair blows me away... I'm still in shock. Now what to do... do I have a chance in Missouri to get custody of my children? She is a good Mom, but now I'm finding more out about her lieing and cheating with more than one man it scares me. We still get along great, hardly any arguements except this affair. We are still sleeping in the same bed, but obviously not having any sex.... Any help or ideas what to do or where to go???? please????
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sadad
member
Reged: 01/01/10
Posts: 103
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If she wants it to work, she will have to give it her all!
In other words, you cant make her!
If you have now found out that there were several affairs, I would run for the hills!
You have to ask yourself if you wouldnt have found out would she have EVER told you??
No matter what, DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOUSE!!!!
DO NOT LET HER TALK YOU INTO THAT!!!
DOCUMENT EVERYTHING ABOUT THE AFFAIRS!
You might need the proof later!
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It takes a "special" person to cheat.
Once a cheater always a cheater!
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Allan
recently joined
Reged: 01/07/10
Posts: 14
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Thanks for the response. I asked her if she would have ever told me and she said no, she would have taken it to the grave with her (very embarrased I feel).
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sadad
member
Reged: 01/01/10
Posts: 103
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Man, I think its time to ask some questions and they can't be answered with "I dont know"!
What does she want to do?
Is she still "involved" with some one?
What do you want to do?
do you want a divorce?
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It takes a "special" person to cheat.
Once a cheater always a cheater!
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sadad
member
Reged: 01/01/10
Posts: 103
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oh, by the way, a "best friend" would not have done that to you!
I do not intend to sound harsh, but I think you need step back and take a second look at the situation you are in!
It sounds to me that you might not be where you think you are!
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It takes a "special" person to cheat.
Once a cheater always a cheater!
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Allan
recently joined
Reged: 01/07/10
Posts: 14
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I do not want a divorce, mainly because of the kids and I still love her. She has not decided, says she has put this guy on hold. I don't know if I believe her. What I want.... if she can't leave this other man (which I feel she can't) then I want a divorce and the kids... but from what I have researched in Missouri, getting the kids will be very difficult. No matter how bad or careless she has acted... that is what scares me. The kids with her. She is the bread winner by about $5 k per yr.
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sadad
member
Reged: 01/01/10
Posts: 103
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man, if the divorce road is even a slight chance, then you need to talk to an attorney ASAP!!
What people do not understand is that you can do a lot before you actually file.
I do not know about Missouri laws, YOU NEED TO GET TO KNOW THEM.
Can you have a fault divorce?
Can you record some one?
Does an affair have an impact?
Child support?
Spousal support?
etc etc etc
Get her to move out in hopes to work on your marriage! She will prob go for it because she will see the freedom. This will make it seem as if she left you! I do not believe in tricking someone but what does she expect you to do?
NO MATTER WHAT, DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOUSE!!!!
what do you mean.."She has not decided, says she has put this guy on hold."
What the hell is on hold???
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It takes a "special" person to cheat.
Once a cheater always a cheater!
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Allan
recently joined
Reged: 01/07/10
Posts: 14
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Bad wording regarding putting the guy on hold. She actually said she would have no contact with him. Which I feel she has been speaking with him, but I have no proof. It's hard as hell to trust someone for over 17 yrs then this happens... But I will hold my ground with the house. We have another counseling session this week and I'll see what that brings. I appreciate your comments since this area is new to me. I have spoken with a attorney at work who has assisted me.
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sadad
member
Reged: 01/01/10
Posts: 103
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Hang in there man! I have been married 14yrs and the same happened to me!
It ain't easy!!
Remeber this..if it gets to divorce, DO NOT assume that it will be easy (especially whith kids involved).
ITS WAR and you have to do all you can to prepare and come out the other side in good shape.
Hope it does't get to that for ya!
My take is that if you caught her and you still have doubts, she has to understand that! She (and you) should have NO secrets! No locked cell phones, no solo emails etc.
Its gonna be hard for her to prove her loyalty and even harder for you to build your trust in her! Not saying that it cant be done, but rather just gonna take 100% FROM BOTH OF YOU!
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It takes a "special" person to cheat.
Once a cheater always a cheater!
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Allan
recently joined
Reged: 01/07/10
Posts: 14
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I appreciate your comments. It has helped. I know she is afraid to make this jump. She was very embarrassed that I found out. I asked her if she would have ever told me, including divorcing me and she said no. She knows if this other guy doesn't work out she has lost everything. I could care less about the other guy, I'm looking at the kids, financial aspect etc. I'm real tight with her family and parents. We'll see what happens, once again thanks.
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